AN: Hey again! Finals are finished, I'm working, and life is feeling amazingly grown up. How crazy is that? But enough about me... (for now) [bonus points if you know what I just quoted ;)]

Here is another depressing chapter of this depressing story. I'm currently feeling bummed that there hasn't been more Deeks in our weekly episodes. WE WERE PROMISED MORE DEEKS THIS SEASON! So, this is what came out of that :)

Please enjoy, and know that I am working on another chapter for Hey Baby. It is NOT done yet. It won't be for a while, probably. Also, know that I will be posting a new hiatus story set back in season 5, the Afghanistan story. Here's a teaser:

"How do you think Kensi would react if Deeks had died in Afghanistan while rescuing her?"

Keep an eye out for that... I'll start posting chapters after the season finale. That said, leave a review for this chapter? Please and thanks!

Blessings,

bookdiva

That sound he makes.

When she hears it through Michelle's coms, Kensi has to remind herself over and over that he didn't really just die.

He's not dead yet.

They were fake bullets. Made out of rubber.

Fake bullets don't kill you.

She tries hard not to remember the time she'd been hit by a fake bullet during a training exercise and how bad that had hurt.

And she'd been completely healthy. No broken bones. Not tortured to within an inch of her life.

Oh god.

The thought hits her like a ton of bricks.

What if he had internal damage? What if the bullet exasperated it, and he really was dead? She left him there to die.

She killed him.

Her mind immediately began to churn up images of her, a gun pointed to her partner's head, pulling the trigger. The life blood—that she'd already seen more of than she had ever wanted to in a lifetime—pouring out of him. The life fading away from his eyes.

Never to twinkle again mischievously. Never to look deeply into her eyes and call bull shit. Never to meet hers in silent understanding and support. Never to smile or smirk or laugh again.

She tortures herself for what felt like hours but was really only minutes, until Granger finally gave the all clear. She slams the car into gear and hits the gas. As the car jerks forward, Kensi heard the sound of sirens.

An ambulance. One for Sam and one for Deeks. Because he still needs an ambulance. Because he is NOT dead.

She jumps out of the car before it comes to a stop, even though she's the one driving. She's racing towards the door before she even registers her actions, and her hands are shaking as she picks the lock again.

Granger's words don't register in her addled mind. All she sees is Deeks, still strapped down to the chair where she left him.

She left him.

This time, however, there is a hell of a lot more blood. His entire front is soaked in it. The construction lights shining directly on him make sure that she has a perfect view of exactly how bad his beautiful face is. He's not moving, and for a brief moment, she believes he's really gone.

He's gone.

It's her fault.

She knows there is no way she will recover.

All of this is going through her mind while she's trying to unstrap the thick leather buckles from his wrists. Her hands are shaking even worse, and around the same time she manages them, a paramedic pushes her aside.

The strange man shines a light into Deeks's mouth, and if she thought his external injuries were bad, nothing in her life has prepared her for the brief glimpse she gets of his internal injuries.

"Yeah, he's got multiple dental trauma," the EMT says firmly. Deeks's only response is a glob of blood that slips out of his mouth. "Possible fractured mandible. He's gonna need an oral surgeon."

Kensi's eyes dart from his eyes to his mouth to his chest to the scrape on his cheek and back to his eyes. She doesn't know where to look. Every new focal point seems to be worse than the last.

"Deeks!" Sam's voice cuts through Kensi's single-minded focus on her partner, and she watches as his eyes focus on the space behind her. "Did you give up Michelle?"

"No."

It's only one word, but it makes Kensi want to strangle Sam and cry, all at the same time. The rage and sadness war within her, but Sam continues anyway.

"Was Siderov playing her just now?" he demands again.

Kensi's eyes focus back in on her partner just in time to see his eyes glaze over.

"I didn't give her up…" he says, his words slightly slurred with the effort it takes to form them and the pain they caused him. "I didn't give her up…"

"And then his head slumps forward, and the paramedic is shouting again.

"He's lost consciousness!" he calls out to his team. "Priority 1, get him out of here. Now!"

In the shuffle of chaos, Kensi is pushed to the side. All she can do is stand there, watching as they lift Deeks's limp, lifeless body onto a stretcher and rush him to the ambulance.

She stands there, rooted to the spot and unable to move until her partner vanishes from her sight and out the door. Immediately, she races after him. She ignores Granger's command and Sam's words as he too gets carted out to an ambulance—something about making sure Deeks is okay—and she just runs.

She's too late. Deeks's ambulance has already left, but she knows where they're going. She jumps into the car, turns on the police lights, and speeds in the direction of the hospital.

The entire drive there, her mind is filled with so many thoughts, it might as well be blank. She doesn't really remember driving to the hospital, but suddenly, she's pulled up to the emergency room, just as the ambulance's back doors open. She jumps out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition and the door ajar.

Kensi is by his side before he's fully lowered carefully out of the ambulance, and she has just enough presence of mind to flash her badge and send her scariest glare at the one medical professional who looks like he might say something.

Her badge gets her in, no questions. They're preceded by Sam and followed by Granger, but it all passes unnoticed by Kensi. The hallway becomes too narrow, and the EMTs push ahead of her. When she rounds the corner into the trauma room, a man in a white coat is counting down.

The pained grown Deeks lets out as the pain forces him back into consciousness tears her heart apart for the millionth time that day.

The man in the white coat moves up towards Deeks's head, cutting off Kensi's view.

"I'm Dr. Garcia," he says firmly. "I need to look inside your mouth."

"Nahhh…" comes Deeks's garbled reply.

"Detective!" the doctor shouts, and Kensi can no longer take it. "I need you to open your mouth."

Kensi is already pushing her way to his side when he pushes the doctor away. She steps up by his head, pushes the doctor and everyone away, and grasps his hand tightly. He doesn't return the pressure. He doesn't look her way.

"Deeks, you've got to listen to the doctor," she says, choking back her emotions.

The first time she found him, he had looked at her like she was his salvation. There had been slight hope in his beautiful, pain-filled eyes. Now, he turns his head away from her voice. He flinches slightly when she speaks.

Kensi has become almost familiar with the feeling of her heart shattering. The last few hours have been excruciating. But when he refuses to look at her, something deeper inside her breaks with unexplainable pain and then goes numb.

"Deeks!" she calls again, but again she gets no response. He starts to roll his head around, as if he is almost considering letting her in again, and a bubble of hope pops up in her chest. "Deeks…" she whispers, tightening her already too tight grip on his hand.

"C'mon Agent Blye," Granger steps in, reminding her of who she's supposed to be. "We've got work to do."

It's enough to snap her frazzled emotions back to auto pilot, and she releases her partner's hand, steps away, and follows Granger out of the room.

And with every step, Kensi is screaming inside. Fern withers away, drowned in regrets.