The piercing wail of the rebel alarm wakes me from my sleep and a guard bursts through the door. He's not Aspen, and I'm relieved. Guilty that I'm relieved, but still relieved. After my near elimination a week ago and my choice to stay, he has held me at an icy distance and isn't guarding my door so I rarely see him. If I do, it's for less than a few seconds. He must be wondering why I haven't left the Selection when I kept insisting that I don't love Maxon. He's probably angry, betrayed. I'm not looking forward to explaining my feelings about Maxon to him. So I'm relieved.

"Lady America," the guard says. "You must get to a safe room!" It must be around midnight; the sky outside is pitch black. Thankfully, I'm already in my nightgown so I slip on a pair of flats and hurry out the door. The shouts of guards and rebels already rings through the palace and gunshots are fired. Although I've been through these millions of times, my heartbeat still quickens and my hands become clammy every single time. Looking around, I see Maxon, appearing exhausted, running down the hall with a frantic Kriss next to him. Jealousy surges through me at the sight, even though they're paying almost no attention to each other.

Calm down. Don't get mad. Thinking these words in my head, I join them. I think I see relief in Maxon's eyes when he notices me but he merely nods at me and my heart sinks. We make it to the safe room, along with Celeste and Elise, who caught up with us later. We all sit down.

Celeste sits next to Kriss on one side while I sit beside Elise opposite to them. The royal family sits together, but Maxonstarts talking to the Elite. Except me, of course. He goes to Kriss and they act like they're already married. It makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry my heart out, but scream at someone at the same time. They chat and occasionally laugh at something that happened last night on their date or the latest palace gossip.

And I guess this is expected. After all, Maxon has pretty much been shunning me ever since our little heart-to-heart about trust when he let me stay in the palace. I haven't gone on a single date with him this week while all the other girls have practically been soaking him up.

After half an hour, Maxon finally moves to Celeste. She, being Celeste, immediately flashes him a seductive smile and grabs his hand a bit roughly. I roll my eyes. That girl is disgusting in every way. She drapes herself on top of him and immediately starts a conversation. I can only imagine what it's about.

When I made my shocking appearance the morning after my 'elimination', Celeste looked like she wanted to scream and rip me to shreds. I could literally see gears in her head as she devised a plan to get me eliminated. Again. Quite scary, if you ask me. She composed herself, though, and proceeded to eat. But I noticed the King glaring at my back the whole meal and took any chance to call me out for every tiny flaw. My bent back, eating too quick, not talking. I replied as politely as I could. Celeste smirked smugly, as if reminding herself that I wouldn't be here for too long. I kept eating. It happened again and again. The King would heartlessly belittle me, Celeste would smirk, and I would try to calm my temper. It's gotten to the point where it isn't just discouraging, but annoying. Maxon does nothing to stop him.

Twenty minutes later, Maxon walks over to Elise and sits down. I long for him to sit next to me so I can tease him and make him laugh and just talk. I get the feeling Elise won't be staying long though. There's no romantic connection between them and I don't think she has been much help in the war.

Their converse is much shorter than Kriss' or Celeste's. It's only 10 minutes or so. After having a short, internal debate in his head, it seems, Maxon slowly heads towards me. I feel hope flutter in my chest, a feeling that has been foreign these few days. He sits down next to me, but doesn't attempt to start a conversation. I don't either. Who knows what kind of things we'd say? Things that should be kept private, that's for sure.

So we just sit in an uncomfortable silence while Celeste smirks and Kriss fights off a pleased smile. I don't know how long we sit. It could be two minutes, it could be two hours.

But we just sit there. I feel an urge to run away from to my room, pulling his hand with me and kiss him…

Finally, after an eternity, a guard comes to inform us that the rebels are gone. Maxon stands up and walks over to the guard, taking the door from him. As I pass him, I discreetly pull my ear. He shakes his head and I just want to scream and tear my hair out.

He has meetings. Or the King wants to talk to him. I work on convincing myself of this. But I can't. I just can't. If he really wanted to see me, he could've just nodded and then sneak into my room later on or something, right? Why doesn't he want to see me?

Months I do. I start to make my way back to my room, almost like a robot. I go through the motions but they have no meaning. Why do I care if he doesn't see me so much? I know I want him to choose me to be the do I really love him?

I reach my room and plop down on my bed without taking off my shoes. I can't seem to find sleep again. I just lie awake repeating, Do I love Maxon? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I'm just too confused over Aspen,Maxon, the Selection, my whole life, really.

I wish I could play some piano. I haven't played it in a long time. Too long. But I would wake everyone up. I just want some quiet time to think, but I can't focus in my tiny room. Then, I feel my feet bringing me somewhere. I reach the palace doors leading to the garden. The garden! Almost feeling giddy, I leap out into the garden and skip to the bench. But I see another dark figure sitting there. It's…

"Maxon!"