How to Cure Dragon Sickness

Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit characters, J.R.R. Tolkien does.

"I am FIRE! I am DEATH!" – Speaking

'Yeah…don't think we can win against a dragon…' – Thoughts

*SMACK!* – Actions

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Bilbo POV

Thorin has gone insane with the Dragon Sickness! He won't accept help from the elves of Mirkwood (or Greenwood as the woodland elves say…but forget about them). He won't accept help from the men of Laketown. And Dain from the Iron Hills is making him more suspicious of everyone! That money…grubbing…insert too explicit word for a hobbit to know here DWARF! GRAH! I should just yell at them with all the swears I picked up along the journey & see how they like it! Hmph…

…

*Pacing along the hall*

…

*Grabbing hair in frustration*

…

*Glaring at the wall*

…

"Bloody Thorin and his stupidity…*grumble grumble*…I should just hand over the Arkenstone I found to the elves and men for a bargaining chip…" Bilbo mutters aloud.

"Should I?" He questions himself before shaking his head, "Only a very stupid and naïve person who has a death sentence would do that…Pshhh…I'm not that person…"

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Cue everyone in the audience to stare at Bilbo with raised eyebrows

~.~

"So what am I to do…? That's IT!" Bilbo cheers and jumps up in happiness. 'Now I just need to talk to Bombur!'

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"Hey Bombur!" Bilbo calls to the round dwarf, "May I borrow your frying pan?"

"Sure, you going to make your mouthwatering hobbit food?" Bombur asks.

"Yeah…that's what I'm going to do," Bilbo smiles nervously before slipping away toward Thorin who's just further in the room talking to his nephews.

"Hey THORIN!" Bilbo yells behind the king.

*CLANG!*

As Thorin turns around Bilbo smacks Thorin in the face with the frying pan sending him into oblivion. Fili and Kili just stare at Bilbo with round eyes, as well as the dwarves around him.

Then Fili shakes himself before asking Bilbo with a bit of a peeved voice, "Why did you do that Bilbo?"

"To cure him of course," Bilbo replies with everyone just continuing to stare at him. "He's sick with the Dragon Sickness and I needed to cure him."

"But how does hitting him on the head with a frying pan cure him?!" Kili all but yells.

"I had a cousin who had sickness with always being a winner and very hateful to others who'd win or who he thought was going to steal his vegetables. He was a good respectable hobbit, but he changed something fierce. So one day I had enough and whacked him on the head with a frying pan and he was right as rain when he woke up," Bilbo explains to everyone and some dwarves edge away from him as if he were crazy.

Fili and Kili were about to argue about it but Thorin awoke.

"Uhh…My head…what happened?" Thorin questions as he slowly gets up from his place on the floor.

To see if Bilbo is right Fili asks with courage, "Uncle…what would you say if we needed help from the elves and men to defeat the Pale Orc's army?"

"I'd say let them help so we would have less deaths on our side. Why do you ask?" Thorin answers.

Then all as one, everyone just turns their head toward a smirking Bilbo and cringe when he swings the frying pan to his shoulder and starts whistling as he walks back to Bombur.

"Thanks for this Bombur," Bilbo smiles before walking away without a care in the world while Bombur stutters a 'welcome'.

As Bilbo exits the hall he says aloud, "Who knew frying pans were so useful!"

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A/N: Please leave reviews for me! I'd like to know what you guys think! Oh & I just wrote this very quickly 'cause it wouldn't leave my brain! So be nice or I will sick Bilbo on you!