Chapter One

Bella

School was over, college was over, and I was finally using my education designing websites for businesses. It wasn't my first choice of career but post Cullen it was the best I could handle. My life was divided in two parts, Pre Cullen and Post Cullen. They had changed me so completely I was like two different people. The Pre Cullen Bella was an awkward, quiet, but reasonably comfortable human, with desires and aspirations like most young women. I wanted a job in journalism, I loved reading and writing and though I was shy I enjoyed observing people. I wanted a home and a family, a normal one not like my own where I was the adult to my mother's child. Where there were two parents together providing a stable home for any children they might have. The Post Cullen Bella was another creature entirely. She knew that there were more than humans inhabiting this world, dangerous creatures that could not only kill you but steal your heart and leave an empty shell. She steered clear of people, not wanting to run into any more monsters. She kept to herself, had few friends and preferred her own company. Books don't deceive you or crush you so I stuck to their safety.

I know both Charlie and Renee grieved for the death of the old Bella but self-preservation made me change, I couldn't bear the pain of being deserted again but I could live and I would. If I gave up, which was my first inclination, then the Cullens would have won and there was enough of the old Bella left to find that unacceptable. Which is not to say that the past didn't seep through in the small hours when everything was dark and quiet. They crept into my dreams, their pale beautiful faces, their voices like liquid honey, all of them. The breathtakingly beautiful Rose and her comic giant Emmett who had made me laugh. Carlisle's quiet presence, Esme's smile and warm heart. Alice's bubbly personality and bouncy eagerness for everything, Jaspers brooding silences, and of course Edward. When his face floated to the front I woke up, every time. I wouldn't let him back in my heart or my mind, he was gone and it was over but every time I closed my eyes to sleep they came again, forever refusing to allow me to banish them completely.

When I pulled myself together and finished school with a struggle Charlie was proud and Renee relieved. I could at least find a place in the world, a job and hopefully find someone to take Edwards place in my heart. What they failed to understand was that Edward hadn't left an empty space in my heart waiting to be filled again, he had taken my heart with him leaving a block of ice in its place. There was no space for another, there never would be, and that was just fine with me. The cold feeling in my chest reminded me how destructive love could be, a warning there constantly and it kept me safe with its whispered message,

"Don't do it Bella. That way lies pain and misery. Turn away now before it happens again",

And I listened to it, every time. I moved away from Forks with its memories and its problems, mainly Jake, and found a job miles from the rain and the clouds but also miles from the Quileutes, Charlie, and Renee, virgin territory, San Antonio, Texas.

I found a small studio apartment not far from work so I didn't need a car which was just as well because money was tight especially at first, although Charlie paid the first three months rent for me and Renee and Phil sent me a cheque which paid my utilities and food shop for the first few months too. It was strange moving away from everything and everyone I had ever known but I knew in my mind it was the right thing to do. I needed a fresh start away from any memories. I could make new acquaintances, friends I would be very careful about, like Charlie I was happy enough with my own company. I had my books and I had started to write some poetry, not good but it satisfied me. Music I was very wary of, it reminded me too much of Edward except for Country and I listened to that when the place seemed especially quiet, usually when my nightmares woke me in the night, then it was a welcome distraction but classical music made me feel physically sick.

My job was in a small web design company where there were just the four of us but we were pretty busy most of the time and some of the businesses we designed for were interesting in themselves. The other three employees were Sam, who was my age, tall, dark, and handsome, but life partner of Mike, another of my colleagues. The two of them were great fun and of course non threatening to me so we got along well enough. The other employee was a female a few years older than the rest of us, short, dumpy, but very pretty, and with a good sense of humour. She took me under her wing when she found out I had no family or friends in Texas and although it took me some time to come to trust her we got on very well and it ended up with me often spending the weekend with her family on the coast. She had worn me down over a few months and once I met the family they took me in as an extra member, like a long lost daughter because apart from Lisa they had four boys. Two were older than me and the other two, Jake and Nathan, were twins of 11. The only time I ever really relaxed were when I was with Lisa's family at their rambling house near the ocean. I knew them and felt comfortable there with never any surprises. There were never any sudden guests or strangers for me to avoid or worry about.

I had no other friends and after a few months the letters that Jake had sent angling for an invitation stopped. Charlie had offered to fly down but I put him off as I did Renee and Phil who really couldn't afford it in any case. I wanted this to be my refuge, somewhere that I and I alone inhabited, I never invited anyone back here except Lisa and she knew how I felt because we usually met up in a bar or at her apartment which wasn't far from mine but much larger. I had stopped over a few times after we'd drunk a little too much wine but I preferred to sleep at home. Trying to explain away my nightmares was difficult without mentioning the Cullens and I'd rather have root canal than bring them into my new life, they were nothing to me, they belonged to the before Bella and she was welcome to them, or at least I kidded myself that was the case. My life consisted of work, meals, food shopping, reading, and an occasional treat, a visit to the theatre or cinema but it always felt odd going alone they were the sort of outings that were mainly couple oriented so I missed quite a few plays I would have liked to see. Shakespeare was out now, too many memories of school therefore Edward and Wuthering Heights just made me feel melancholy so I had to find new authors although I couldn't bear to part with Jane Eyre. I kept that particular book for weekends when I knew I would be alone, that way I could cry and no one would ever know.