Notes:

- Sorry for so many notes, but I promise there won't be any more (apart from the end notes) for the rest of this part of the fic (10 chapters). And the chapters get much longer after chapter 1.

- Slight Warning:I tried to tone down my usual amount of kink, but I just couldn't resist it completely. There is biting (and a bit of blood though on accident), Randall is a bit submissive and Lix is a bit dominant, though occasionally it's the opposite. Don't know how far I'll go with this.

- I don't like The Hour much, I only watched it for Lix/Randall (and some of the first season for Lix) so forgive me if anything is inaccurate. I literally kept falling asleep and still have not idea what any of the actual plots were (hence lack of Freddie) but as far as I know most of their past is speculation (I borrowed some ideas about their past from other fics.). For example, I'm not sure the ring necklace was ever explained. Also I know it was visible in a scene or two but let's either pretend Randall didn't see it or didn't notice it because I wrote part of this before going through the episodes to check. It still sort of makes some sense though, even if he did see it before.

- I know very little about how weddings and rings actually work/ed so let's assume Randall had no money and proposed with a wedding ring or something. Tried to make it make sense, but just in case it doesn't, bend reality so that it does, tell it to fuck off like I did when I deleted engagement rings from my brain. The thought didn't even occur to me until I'd already written half the thing.

- I have no idea how the news program or any of it actually works as I haven't been able to get through an entire episode but I assume their workday starts later in the day... or? somebody correct me. Minor things like this I can easily change.

- I don't have OCD but I do have AS and certain OCD tendencies. I'm not sure if adults with OCD have meltdowns or how those work (autistic ones seem very different), but I tried to imagine a situation where I'd do what Randall did because to me it was kind of weird that he stopped. I would have kept going and then after everything was as organized as I could make it I'd break down exhausted. So... yeah. Oh and though I think OCD to some extent or another has been noticed for centuries, I'm not sure what kind of treatment they had for it back in the day. But if it's hard finding a psychologist now... I can only imagine back then with their bizarre theories.

- Not one for song fics or mentioning songs or whatever to go with a fic, but since I listened to a whole bunch of stuff writing this and decided to name some of the chapter titles after lyrics, I'll be mentioning them briefly at the end of each chapter with a complete list + a few extra ones in the end notes. AO3 has links to the actual songs at the end.

Chapter 1

no one could have told you your body would fail you

Randall

Randall couldn't move for a moment. He couldn't breath.

"Died..." the word echoed in his mind. He'd already read it, but having Lix say it aloud was something else.

He could feel the gears in his head grinding, the pressure mounting to fix, to organize. The papers on the desk caught his eye. He knew what was going to happen. Any second now he'd stop being able to resist.

"Would you forgive me if I asked you to go." But Lix didn't move.

"I- I can't move."

His heart clenched. To see her like that. He couldn't take it, but even worse, she stayed, she'd see. He didn't think he could hold off anymore or take the embarrassment of giving in either.

The urge became a need. "Please. Please, I need you to-"

"No." The word was like dagger, piercing, sentencing him to his fate. Please. Please. Please. But he couldn't even say the words.

"No Randall, I won't go." She sat back and crossed her arms. His eyes pleaded with her. She could move. She could go.

"I won't. You just... Just do what you need to do."

He couldn't disobey. Even if in the back of his mind he still doubted she really meant it, that she really accepted all his quirks, he couldn't help himself. He started by straightening the few things that caught his eye, rearranging papers, sorting them, but he couldn't do it fast enough, well enough. He could not calm that need fast enough. Categories failed him and still, he couldn't stop.

He hated it. He clenched his jaw. Rage bubbled in his chest. Rage at the injustice of his daughter's death. Rage at how helpless he was against his strange compulsions. Rage that they had failed to calm him in his hour of need.

He started throwing things, pictures. Fuck them, fuck everything. He cleared sections of his desk with the sweep of a hand. He clenched the pristine white papers in his hand, savored the crinkle of the paper, then threw them against the wall. He tore and threw and destroyed until the outside resembled the inside.

He took one glance at the mess and broke down, resting his head against the wood. Sobs shook his frame. Why? Why? Why? Why was this happening? Why hadn't he stayed? Why hadn't he been more insistent?

Sophia would be alive and they would have been happy.

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him. He startled at the touch. He didn't want to be touched. He wanted to drown, to sleep, to shut off his mind. He wanted to run away, far far away from anything that could connect him to the real world, that could remind him of what had happened.

But he realized, it was just Lix. Her words from before had not been a lie, just simple acceptance. She would never have tried this before, comforting him when he was in one of his... rages, as she'd called them once. She would have just run away, leaving him to his devices until he'd calmed down.

He felt her hand cradle the back of his head. He reached up to grab it.

"Lix..." he whispered, turning to her. He felt her fingertips brush against his cheeks, then stroke down to his jaw.

He stood, now eye level with her. The ring hanging from her neck caught the light. He tugged on the chain. "You kept it." He looked at her eyes. "Why?" He wasn't just asking why she'd kept it, but why she'd acted like she hadn't. She seemed to get his meaning, because more tears slipped from her eyes.

Chapter Title from I Heard a Party by Gem Club

Edit: I just realized you couldn't see them in full here on FF so I've included them in the text.