(A/N: Okay, so, this is a new story I am working on. It's a pretty big difference from the other one I am writing right now. First of all, Arthur isn't even in this one, because he's dead. *SPOILER ALERT.* But also because it is in Merlin's point of view and it is a lot about gerif (Actually, it's all about gerif and moving on after someone dies.). Which honestly, I really wanted to write about because I have gone through a lot of grief as of late, I lost someone close to me so I really wanted to write about what I am and was going through. A lot of things Merlin goes through in this story are things I went through, twisted somewhat to match the story and Merlin the show. Which I do not own by the way. This story will be the first part of a 2 or 3 part series, so yeah. No Arthur yet, which is driving me crazy just a little bit because I love Arthur. (hence, my name and what not.) I feel the need to say that Arthur will be in the other parts, just so you know.~Le Writer Lady)

Part one of series: Love And What Comes With it

Title: What Comes After The End

Chapter 1

Love is a strange thing, stranger than how a dog looks chasing its tail, more irritating than poison ivy and more painful than a bee sting. It's not easy to get over someone, not when you have had feelings for this person for more than five years, but they love someone else and you just want this person to be happy. But what if this person, not only is in love with someone else, but is also dead too? Then what do you do?

Merlin wondered this, as he lay in his bed, eyes itchy and red from lack of sleep. Nothing had been the same since, how could it be the same? Nothing would be the same ever again.

It had been a full mouth, thirty days since Arthur had been in his arms and died there. It didn't seem real, Merlin could not possibly fathom this, it felt like just yesterday. He could still feel the man's weight in his arms. It couldn't be that long already.

Everyone had told him "It would get better," and "It will get easier." When? He wondered. When would the images of that pale face and the cold body leave his mind? When would he be able to sleep again? Without dreaming of him or seeing him? A more cleverer person had told him "The pain will always be there, it's how you choose to live your life afterward that makes the difference. Will you let Arthur's death weigh on you for the rest of your life or will you move on? Not just for yourself, but for Arthur, he wouldn't want to see you this way."

That was Gaius, and Merlin knew he was right. But he also knew Arthur wasn't here to see him move on, he was dead and really, why should Merlin care about what Arthur would want, if he wasn't even here to tell him about it? If he wasn't here to talk to or to call him an idiot anymore, why should Merlin care what Arthur would have wanted or what he doesn't want to see? Arthur couldn't see anything…

So Merlin laid there, tears welling in his eyes like they did every morning at this hour. A month ago, he might be getting up now; to go serve the king his breakfast, but what does he do now? He lies there, soaking his pillow with tears because it hurts to do anything else. He lies there, like he does every morning, because he doesn't know what else to do, his life had no meaning anymore. He lies there, because he is not willing to go and find anything else that makes his life meaningful.

He lies there, but he doesn't sleep, he can't sleep, because he's too scared to sleep. If he does, he's there, standing there, sitting there, and Merlin knows it's wrong, he's not meant to be here anymore. Sometimes when Merlin does sleep, he dreams it never happened, that everything; the war, the sword bathed in dragon's breath was never made, and life went on. Other times he dreams Arthur's back, he's somehow come back to life and he's there and back, and everything will be okay as long as he doesn't go away again. But it's wrong and it hurts more when Merlin wakes up. He remembers the dragon's words, he said Arthur would come back one day, he also had said Merlin could save him and he couldn't do that, could he? If Arthur did come back, it wouldn't be now anyway. Merlin wished it would be though, he wished more than he wished for anything, that Arthur would come striding into his room right now and tell him he was late with breakfast. And Merlin promised that if this could just happen, he wouldn't scream and blast him out of the room with a spell, he would believe it really was him and he could just…breathe again.

Just breathe, that's what some people had told him too; Gaius and Gwen and Percival, when Merlin had been crying, no…sobbing in front of them, "Just breathe," but, what for? He didn't want to breathe, he wanted to scream and cry and throw himself out of a window. Breathing would not help, nothing would help. Because no matter how much he wished for it, Arthur wasn't going to come through that door.

The door did open then; Merlin looked up hopeful, but was disappointed to see the gray, long hair of Gaius walking in. What had he been thinking? Gaius looked at him with a disappointed shake of the head.

"Have you been up all night?" he asked. What a stupid question, Merlin thought, of course he had been up all night, he didn't sleep, he couldn't sleep. Gaius knew this. Instead of saying any of this though, Merlin just nodded. "Come on, get some breakfast."

Merlin nodded again, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He didn't feel tired, he felt numb. This would go on for awhile longer, before Merlin passed out somewhere and slept for a full two days. It's already happened once before. At least then, he will be too exhausted to dream.

The worst part of it all is when he wakes up and doesn't remember, and then all the memories come back again, and Merlin goes weeks without sleeping once more. He sits at the wooden table in Gaius' workshop, he is served some sort of sludge in a bowl, and Gaius sits across from him.

"The queen wants a word with you, if you're up for it," he explained, Merlin nodded. He didn't want to see Gwen, he didn't want to see anyone, but he would go anyway. "I think she wants to discuss future work for you."

"Or maybe she wants to kick me out of Camelot for letting her husband die…"he had said it, but he still felt a jerk in his gut, it still hurt too much to say. Arthur was dead.

"Gwen knows it is not your fault."

"Whose fault is it then? No one else was there…"

"You cannot blame yourself for Arthur's death, you tried to save him, everyone knows that you did," Gaius told him, giving him one of those fathering looks. "It was inevitable, the wound was too great."

"I could have done it," Merlin told him, pushing away his food, without eating a bite. "If I hadn't wasted so much time..."

"It wasn't meant to be."

Merlin shrugged, standing up then, heading toward the door.

"Will she be in her chambers?" he asked, and Gaius nodded. Merlin nodded in return and walked out. It was hard to walk down these halls and not think of all the times Arthur had stood over there and said this, or walked past Merlin there, or fought an imposer here. It was a good thing Gwen had moved her chambers, no longer sleeping in the same room she had with the king. It must have been just as painful for her to be in that room as it was for Merlin. It was hard for him to remember that other people were going through this too. That other people felt this hurt, he knew it of course and he felt bad, but it didn't help him deal his own grief and he had to do that first, before he could handle anyone else's.

He had always had Arthur there when someone died. When Will died, he still had Arthur, when his father died, he still had Arthur, when Freya and Lancelot died, he still had Arthur. But now, who did he have? He had Gaius, he had Gwen, he had Leon and Percival, but he couldn't deal with them now, it wasn't the same, they weren't Arthur.

He walked into the queen's champers and saw Leon standing next to her, by the window, as they both looked out. It was rather quiet, with no one talking. No one had noticed him there, so he cleared his throat.

"Oh, Merlin…I didn't expect you so soon," she smiled and Merlin shrugged. "Leon, we will continue this later, yes?" she asked, turning to the head knight, he nodded and bowed to her, before leaving the room. "Merlin, I wanted to talk to you about your work."

"I don't really have any work anymore..." he trailed off, laughing a little, but it was bitter and angry. She let out a huff, with a quick nod.

"That's exactly what I mean," she told him, walking over and touching his shoulder, he didn't really like it, but he didn't say anything because she was the queen and not Arthur and nothing was fun about her touching him. "It's been a month now and you haven't done anything, and I think you need something to keep you busy."

"I'm fine, I….I help Gaius" he lied, because he hadn't helped Gaius do anything at all, not in a month. She pushed him into a high-backed, red chair then.

"Lying to the queen is treason, Merlin, I trust you know that by now," she told him, sitting in a chair next to him.

"I may or may not know this…"

"Gaius and I have spoken and I know that all you do is lie in your bed, or if you do get up, you sit around, doing nothing," she told him. But he was more annoyed about the fact that she and Gaius had been talking about him, like he was a special case or something. "That is not like you, Merlin, and certainly not healthy!"

"How do you know it's not like me? Maybe I like sitting around, I couldn't do that before…I never sat around, well now I get to, maybe it makes me happy?" he barked. "And who needs to be heathy anyway?"

"Merlin…" she said, in a strict-tone. She would make a great mother one day, Merlin thought. "It is not good for you to be sitting there and lingering in what you cannot change, I know you are still hurting, so am I, but we have got to move on."

"I don't really fancy it!"

"Merlin…"

"No, Gwen, I'm sorry, I just don't care," he told her. "I don't care about working; or finding something to do, I don't care if it's not healthy, I don't care if it's not good for me!" he began to shout. "I don't care about anything anymore!"

"That's not true, you know it's not."

"It is, Gwen, it really and honestly is true, I don't care about anything anymore," he told her, closing his eyes. "I'm tired, Gwen, I'm just so tired."

"Gaius has told me how you are not sleeping," Gwen said. But she didn't seem to get it, her husband was dead, she should get it.

"Not like that, Gwen" he told her, sighing.

"I don't understand…"

"No one does," he sighed again. "I know it's been a month and I should get back to work and do everything you are doing, but I can't...I just can't."

"It must be harder for, after all, you were there," she stated, dabbing the corner of her eyes with a silk clothe. "I wish I could have been there in your place."

"No," Merlin said, because it might have been the worst moment of his life but it was his and even though it would haunt him, he wouldn't give it to anyone else, ever. It was the last moment he would have with Arthur and it might hurt, and hurt forever, but still, it was his. "You shouldn't wish for that."

"I…I never got to say-"

"Maybe its best you didn't," he shrugged. "You don't have to remember him like that; you got all the good things. The strong, brave, and charming king."

"I suppose you are right," Gwen smiled, thinking of her late husband. But Merlin just wanted to be sick. It made his stomach tighten to talk about Arthur, Gaius said it is best to talk about him, not to hold it in and Merlin does talk sometimes, like now, but he doesn't like to. He only pretends, so he doesn't have to listen to anyone tell him he should.

"I should get going, I'm sure you are very busy," Merlin told her, then. Watching as the queen dabbed her eyes on the silk clothe again.

"Don't you dare," she told him, latching on to his hand with her soft one. "I know you are still hurting, but when you do sart to care again, I want you to know…there is a spot on the council waiting for you."

"On the council?" Merlin asked, Merlin was a servant, not a advisor. He wasn't meant to sit at the round table, he was meant to stand behind it. He was the man behind it all, the one that helped the kingdom silently. And he liked it that way.

"Yes, I'm not sure if you are aware of this, while you've been holed up in your room, not caring," the queen gave him a small, playful smile. "But I have been working tirelessly on trying to free magic, that was what Leon and I were speaking about, just before you came in."

"Magic?" he asked. "Why?"

"Because of you, obviously," she smiled proudly this time, petting his hand with a soft finger. "You deserve to be free after all you have done for this land."

"I haven't done anything…" he trailed off, shrugging. He didn't know confessing himself a sorcerer, while he cried to her about letting her husband die would lead to this.

"Merlin," she chuckled. "You have saved all of our lives more than once."

"I don't…" he huffed, shaking his hand.

"You cannot change my mind, nothing will change it now," she told him. "It will take time, but when magic is finally free in Camelot I want you to be my advisor for magic, you would know more than anyone else."

"I don't really, honestly," he told her. "You should make Gaius your advisor."

"Gaius is much too old, and he already had his work he is devoted to, I want you," she said, suddenly grabbing both of his hands in hers. "This is what Arthur would have wanted, I know it in my heart, he would do the same."

He couldn't take it, it was all too overwhelming, tears welled in his itchy eyes then, and leaked down his cheekbones. Would this be what Arthur would do? He would never know, because Arthur is dead…