TODAY, YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW
By Ilaria
TODAY
Caprae, 181AD, early autumn.
"Look, Mother, look!" Lucius' excited voice made Annia Aurelia Galeria Lucilla lower her eyes to the beach, just in time to see her son jump from a rock and dive gracefully into the water. A few seconds later his head resurfaced from the sea and he waved to his mother, a joyous grin on his face. Marcus Aurelius' daughter waved back, managing a smile with some effort. It should have been good to see her boy so cheerful and carefree, but she could not share his happiness, because she knew their lives were in great danger, even more now than when her brother had been alive.
Alive... only two mouths had passed since Commodus was killed in the Colosseum and the brief sense of peace and safety and relief that Lucilla had felt with his death had disappeared, taking away the only good thing left to her after that terrible day. The day she had lost the only man she ever loved...the day she had lost Maximus.
His death, and the last look in his eyes before he had closed them forever, had come to haunt her dreams many times, making her wake up in the darkness of her chamber with her face covered by tears and her heart full of regrets and guilt. Time and time again Lucilla had re-lived that night in Rome, asking herself if and how she could have changed the events. She remembered her visit in the Ludus Magnus and her conversation with Maximus. She remembered how soft his eyes had been, and how many years had passed since the last time he had looked at her that way. Gone had been the resentment. Gone had been the bitterness. Gone had been the hate she had seen when they had first met in the Colosseum cells. Only tenderness and care remained. And a bit of love, perhaps. Or at least it was what she chose to believe.
Then there had been that kiss, tender and achingly passionate- a kiss of forgiveness, of hope and, once again for her, of love. A kiss that made her leave the Ludus Magnus hoping that maybe, just maybe, there could still be a future for her and Maximus.
But, of course, her dream had lasted just the time it took her to return to the Palace, to Commodus- and to her betrayal.
Lucilla sighed and returned to the present to look at Lucius, who was now sitting on a rock, with his feet splashing in the water, the still warm September sun caressing his skin and strengthening his bones. She felt a bout of fear grip her heart as she wondered once again about what was going to happen to them. She did not really care about herself; she would gladly spend the rest of her life in exile on the island or in some other forsaken place if that would guarantee Lucius' safety. But unfortunately it was not so: to the eyes of the men fighting like mad dogs for the imperial throne, Lucius represented a great obstacle to their ambitions, because he was Marcus Aurelius' only heir, and the Roman populace had not forgotten the wise, old, late Caesar. Even Commodus' crazy reign of terror had not erased the memories of all the good things his father had done. Lucilla - and Senator Gracchus with her - had hoped to use that legacy to make the populace and the city's ruling class accept her father's last wishes, to transform the empire back to a republic, but it had not worked. The Praetorians had seized the power and sold the Purple to the highest bidder, former consul Helvius Pertinax, whose first move had been to send Lucilla and Lucius to Caprae. It had been said to the Roman populace they were gone on vacation to rest after the series of disgraces that had befallen their family, but Lucilla knew in reality they had been exiled, taken away from the public life, because they were too dangerous. They were still too popular with the mob to be eliminated but, as she had told to Commodus, people were fickle, and their memories short. An old proverb said, "out of sight, out of mind" and Lucilla was afraid it was exactly what Pertinax and the Praetorians were planning for her and Lucius.
Unbidden, a tear slid along her cheek and she hastily retreated from the marble balustrade she was leaning against, lest Lucius noticed her cry. She dried her eyes angrily and looked at the sea trying to distract herself. But it did not work. The blue-green colour of the water brought back memories of Maximus' aquamarine eyes and the softness of his voice when he had murmured his last words before dying: "Lucius is safe." Her son's safety had been Maximus' last gift to her. He had died to give her the freedom to mourn her father, and no longer live in a prison of fear. And now that she was once again living in terror and Rome was in the hands of corrupted men, his sacrifice seemed completely useless, the total waste of a good man's life. He had deserved so much more and she just hoped he could not see, from Elysium, what Rome had become now and how Quintus Aemilius Laetus, the Praetorian prefect, who had been so solicitous with his former commander in the Colosseum, had betrayed him another time.
"I am sorry, Maximus," Lucilla whispered, looking at the sky. "I am sorry, Father. I tried to follow your wishes, but I was not able to make them real. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please intercede with the gods, ask them to protect Lucius. He is innocent, he does not deserve to pay for my mistakes...please."
The sound of approaching steps brought Lucilla back to reality, and she quickly brushed her tears away, because she did not want to be seen - she could not be seen - showing weakness in public. A black-clad Praetorian stepped on the terrace during one of his rounds of inspection and looked at her, bowing his head in her direction. Lucilla replied to his gesture, feeling a flick of relief in her heart. The guard's bow had been full of deference, a sign that whatever was happening in the Urbe, she was still considered deign of the highest respect; a sign she had not yet become unimportant and ready to be eliminated. At least for the moment Lucius and she were safe.
But for how long?
Caprae, early winter 181ADThe room was silent but for the combined breaths of its occupants. There was tension in the air; as the spectators of the game, their eyes fixed on the latrunculi board, awaiting one of the players' next move. And when it came, it was met by a round of hand clapping.
"You win again, my lady." The man exclaimed, bowing to the woman sitting at the other side of the table, "You are the most gifted player I have ever met."
Lucilla smiled, her green eyes shining, "Thank you Publius, but you too are a brilliant player."
Lucius' tutor, an olive skinned, dark-haired man in his early forties, shook his head, "You are very kind, my lady, but I know the truth. I cannot compete with you."
"Publius is right, Mother, you are very good with this game, but why have you never told me you played?" There was a slight note of accusation in Lucius' voice.
Lucilla turned to look at him, feeling a bout of guilt grip her. Her son was right, she had never told him she played latrunculi, even knowing her boy loved the game. And the reason of it was in Rome she had never had enough time for playing a game that might last hours. She had always been too busy during Lucius' young life: there had been gatherings to organize, spectacles and receptions to attend, and a thousand other functions she had to perform as daughter of an emperor, wife to another and sister to a third. As her father before her, she had to put the Empire before everything else and Lucius had paid the price of it- until Commodus had committed the deed, had killed their father and suddenly everything had changed, opening her eyes, and showing her what truly mattered to her. With her brother's rise to the throne, the future of the empire had lost importance and her son had become the most important thing in her world, as the politician had given way to the mother. Oh, she had continued to take care of the state business, but with a different spirit and a different end: to protect her son, she had done everything, from plotting her brother's murder to betraying the only man she had ever loved.
And now that her son was once again in danger, Lucilla could only grieve about the lost opportunities, berating herself for not having spent enough time with her boy, for not having given him all the love he deserved when she had the occasion to do so. 'It seems the story of my life', she thought bitterly, 'to have not loved enough the people I cared for, taking them for granted, thinking there would always be enough time, until it was too late...'
"Did you hear me, Mother? Mother? Are you all right?" Lucius' voice called her back to the present.
Lucilla smiled self-consciously, "Yes, I am fine, just a bit tired. What were you saying?"
Lucius nodded and replied, "Publius and I were wondering about something..."
"Yes?" She eagerly said, thankful that Lucius seemed to have dropped his previous line of thought.
"Who taught you the game? I know grandfather did not play latrunculi and father was not very good at it...So who was your teacher?"
Lucilla smiled sadly, "A soldier. He used to say the game was good to exercise his strategy skills and he was the greatest player I ever met." She turned to look in her son's eyes and added, "It was Maximus. He taught me to play a long time ago, in Hispania."
"Oh." Lucius was clearly surprised by the revelation, but before he was able to formulate one of the many questions he wanted to ask, she rose to her feet and said, "We can talk more about this another day; now it is very late and it is time for all of us to go to bed."
Publius and her ancellae* imitated her, as Lucius did. Lucilla put an arm around her son's shoulders and murmured, "Get ready to sleep, I will shortly come to wish you good night."
The boy smiled and after kissing his mother's cheek, he walked away, followed by two maids.
Lucilla gestured to the rest of her servants that she wanted to stay alone, and after the door closed behind the last of the ancellae's back, she approached the window and looked outside into the darkness surrounding the villa, and let her mind return to a summer of many years before, when she was still a carefree girl, her heart full of dreams, thus trying to forget, at least for a while, the regrets, the guilt and the worry that were now her constant companions.... to return to hope.
*Female slaves/servants
YESTERDAY
Emerita Augusta, 170AD, early summer
Lucilla looked around the hall full of people, trying to locate her father; she had left his side for just few minutes to go to her bedroom and pick up a lighter palla because the evening was very hot, and at her return he had disappeared. It should have been easy to find him, since as Caesar, he was the only man in the room wearing a purple toga. But in all that confusion, in a house she still did not know well, with the guests assembled in groups to talk, servants moving between them with food and drinks and the musicians playing in the background, the task seemed much more complex.
"Can I help you in some way, my lady? You seem a bit lost," a deep, male voice enquired from behind her back. The seventeen year-old princess turned around, ready for a sharp reply to whoever had dared to presume she was in difficulty, but her words died on her lips when she met the most amazing pair of blue-green eyes she had ever seen. Those eyes, which were looking at her with a sincere desire to help and no hint of irony, belonged to a tribune laticlavius, who promptly bowed his head to her, "My lady."
"Tribune," she replied, noticing how he looked straight at her but without that arrogant attitude so common in young patricians. He was standing in front of her without pretence, without trying to impress her with his good looks, as it often happened, even if Lucilla was indeed very impressed by the handsome, dark haired and bearded unknown soldier. But who was he? Having been taught to never disclose her weaknesses, whatever they might be, the young woman did not voice her question but smiled at the soldier and said, "I am looking for my father, the emperor. Could you help me to find him?"
"My lady, I saw Caesar leave the room with the governor directed to the latter's tablinium. I can take you there, if you wish." The soldier's voice was deep, soft, almost silky, and Lucilla felt a shiver running down her spine, as she tried hard not to stare into his eyes. Why did he have such an effect on her? She was used to meeting young men in Rome, used to talking with them without losing her cool detachment, so what was different about him that made her forget what she wanted to say and lose herself in the blue of his irises? Lucilla mentally shook herself and answered, "That would be most pleasing, Tribune."
The young man nodded, bowed his head to her, before pointing to a corridor that opened in the wall near their right. "This way, please."
Followed by the princess' ancellae, they left the peristilium to enter the more private quarters of the governor's residence, Lucilla proceeding side by side with the soldier, a discreet distance between them. She did not use the trip to memorize the rooms' layout, but to study the young man' s profile, admiring his straight nose and strong jaw, silently wondering if his well-trimmed beard was as soft as it looked. Her father's voice brought her back to reality and Lucilla almost blushed as she realized how she was behaving and hoped the tribune did not see her staring. Getting rein of herself, Lucilla looked straight ahead, thus not noticing the look of fascination and approval her companion gave her.
They turned a last corner and ended up in another, smaller hall, where Lucilla's father, Caesar Marcus Aurelius, was busy talking with a couple of provincial eques. The sovereign immediately noticed his daughter and his eyes brightened, as he motioned her to come closer. Lucilla had always known she was her father's favourite child, and the obvious joy he had just shown, made her feel even happier to have been allowed to follow him in his round of inspection of the Iberian provinces, and to take the place of her mother, who was once again lying with child in Rome and could not travel along with her husband. However, she was stunned when the same look of approval he had just bestowed on her was also directed at her companion. The action surprised her very much and filled her with an even greater curiosity. Who was the young tribune? At that moment Caesar saluted the men he was speaking to and approached the young pair.
"My daughter, thank you for coming to my rescue!" he began, reaching out his hands to take the girl's, "Those men were trying to voice all the province problems as if today were the only occasion they have to do so, while instead they will have the next two months for complaining without hurry!" The emperor's eyes shone with frustration but also a hint of amusement.
Lucilla smiled at her father, she knew that for him there was nothing more important than the Empire and the well being of its inhabitants, but the two politicians had really worn him out very badly to cause such a reaction. "Peace, Father, they will learn soon enough there is a time for everything," she replied, quoting one of his favourite lines.
Marcus Aurelius answered her smile with one of his own, squeezed her hands in gratitude and then left her to concentrate on her companion, who bowed his head at once.
"Maximus, it is a pleasure to see you again," the older man said.
"You honour me, Caesar, by remembering me."
The Emperor waved his words away and looked at him from head to toe, "I am happy to see your leg healed well." Immediately Lucilla's green eyes dropped down to stare at the soldier's legs, finally noticing a scar marring the skin of his left knee: it disappeared beneath the hem of his wine-red tunic and the girl idly wondered where it ended. 'I would like to have a closer look at it,' she thought before resolutely stopping her musings and returning to look up, just in time to hear the tribune's reply.
"The surgeons did a wonderful job, Caesar, and Hispania's warm climate instead of the Germanian dampness did the rest."
"I am glad to hear it. Do you know the tribes on the border are still licking their wounds after the defeat you inflicted on them? This is the second summer they did not raid villages or attack forts."
"That's good news, Caesar, but I won't trust them to stay quiet for much longer. We bent them but we did not break them and they will return to attack." The tribune said with calm.
"I think exactly the same thing...That is one of the reasons I am so happy to see you back in good health: there is the possibility you might have to finish your tribunate in Germania Superior, because the general appointed there might need your experience." Marcus Aurelius' voice was almost apologetic, as if he was actually sorry he had to send the soldier back to the front, but the younger man simply nodded.
"Just issue the order, Caesar." He commented with seriousness.
Lucilla watched the conversation in fascination. It was evident her father knew the tribune - Maximus, what a rare and beautiful name! - very well and kept him in highest esteem. His voice was full of admiration, as the girl had rarely heard before, and his gaze betrayed a great fondness.... Lucilla realized with shock her father had never looked at her brother, Commodus, in the same way. It was also true her nine year-old sibling had given their father very few occasions to feel proud of him. As curious as she had never been, the princess was about to ask for a formal introduction, when another tribune stepped near them and, after getting Caesar's permission, approached his colleague and whispered something into his ear. Lucilla watched Maximus' tanned face turn pale, while Marcus Aurelius voiced the same question she wanted to ask, "What happened?"
"It seems a group of drunken men caused a brawl in a tavern and my manservant Cicero was caught in it. He-he was badly wounded in his face and the surgeon is not sure he will survive," the tribune's eyes were very sad, "The boy is asking for me. Caesar, may I have your leave to go to visit him?"
"Of course, Son! You don't need to ask! Go at once! I will recommend the boy to the gods in my prayers, I remember how well he cared for you when you were wounded...he looked more like a friend than a servant."
"Indeed he is. One of my best friends." Maximus forced a smile before, with a last bow to Marcus Aurelius and Lucilla, he turned around and walked quickly away.
Father and daughter watched him disappear and then she asked, "What's his name? We didn't have time to introduce ourselves."
"He is Maximus Decimus Meridas, son of Marcus, former governor of Lusitania." Answered Marcus Aurelius.
"I don't think I have ever heard about him."
"I am not surprised, my daughter: Marcus left Rome almost 25 years ago and as far as I know, his son has never put a foot there."
"What? But he is a tribune laticlavius, a member of the senatorial class, how it is possible he should never have been in the Capital?" Lucilla was shocked, because what her father was saying was totally unheard of.
"It is the result of a series of unfortunate events. As I said before, Marcus Decimus Meridas became governor of Lusitania more than twenty years ago and travelled from Rome carrying his young wife with him and Maximus was born here, in this very house, the governor's residence. A couple of years later, Marcus' wife caught an illness that left her paralysed from her waist down. The doctors advised Marcus a travel to Rome might have killed her and thus he decided not to return to the Urbe after his office as governor ended, but to remain here in Spain and retire to private life. He and I had known each other in Rome - you can say we were friends - and I was not surprised by his decision, because he loved his wife very much. Anyway, he bought a large estate in a village near Emerita Augusta and settled down with his family, becoming a country gentleman and a provincial politician."
Lucilla nodded, "I see. He is not the first ex governor to decide to not return to the Capital, but I don't understand why he did not send his son to Rome to complete his studies. Everyone does so."
"I know, my daughter, and in fact Marcus wanted to send his son to Rome, he even enquired with me about the best schools. However, when Maximus was fourteen years old and almost ready to leave, Marcus was trampled on by a horse and he too remained crippled."
"Oh my gods!"
Marcus Aurelius nodded slowly at his daughter's exclamation. "With both his parents impaired, Maximus took the reins of the family's estates in Hispania and Italia and decided to not leave home, but to complete his education under the tutelage of tutors coming from Rome, the best ones Marcus could find. They did a wonderful job with the boy, even if I suspect his having to care for his parents and the family business contributed more to Maximus' formation than all the tutors' lessons added together." The emperor concluded, grinning like a proud father.
"What an interesting story," Lucilla commented, not just to say something, but because she was really intrigued and fascinated by the young soldier her father esteemed so much. "And then you met Maximus in Germania?"
"Yes, two years ago. In the last years, I had lost contact with Marcus and thus I was surprised to find Maximus serving his tribunate in Germania. He later explained to me that he had not been very happy to leave his parents alone, but that his father had insisted he did not renounce from his political career because of him and in the end Maximus agreed. And I am very happy he did so, because he is one of the most gifted tacticians and military leaders I have ever met. He is born to be a general and one day he will be one. Do you know he prevented the loss of two fortresses along the Danube-Rhine frontier by leading and coordinating their defences all alone?"
"How did he do it?"
"Well, we were in the aftermath of a bloody battle and the legions in Germany needed reinforcements, but the winter arrived sooner than predicted and by early October the roads had become impassable. Maximus' legion, the Felix III, had taken a terrible beating in the battle, resulting in the loss of its general and the other three tribunes laticlavi, so that Maximus, at only 21 years of age and during his first year of service found himself in command of a demoralized army, without enough men or supplies to protect the sector of the limes trusted in its care. Maximus split his men in two groups and took control of the two fortresses. He spent all winter travelling back and forth to keep the men's moral high and control the situation. He then invented a code based on the use of visual signals such as burning arrows to communicate with a fortress when he was in the other, which turned out to be when the barbarians, noticing the shortage of men guarding that sector of the border, decided to attack. They tried to break inside many times during that winter, without avail. Then, in the spring, they attacked once again, with a superior force. This time they were able to break inside the fort Maximus was in, and he was wounded, badly, to his leg. However he continued to lead and command his men, spurring them to resist, until I arrived with the reinforcements and the long awaited supplies." Marcus Aurelius looked into a distance, as if he was back in that time. "I don't think I have ever seen a group of such badly reduced legionaries. They were hungry, dirty, tired, but they moral was high and all because of Maximus. I was told some of them had wanted to desert when the situation had got so bad, but they stayed because they could not leave their leader alone. With his example and his unwavering confidence Rome would not have abandoned them, he had given the men hope and even veteran centurions agreed it was all because of a 21 year-old tribune if we still had our fortresses. Maximus on the other hand told me it was all because of his men." Caesar smiled and then sobered again, "The first time Maximus reported to me after the battle he practically fainted in my arms because of his leg wound. He was unconscious for three days. His men gave me all the reports I needed and the more I heard them talk of their young commander, the more I prayed the gods to spare him, because Rome needs people like him. And they listened to my prayers."
'And I am glad they did', thought Lucilla. What her father had just said had made her think Maximus was indeed a special man, with a terrific personality to match his handsome looks and she just hoped to be able to meet him again. 'Soon, preferably,' she mentally added, looking in the direction where he had gone, one of her hands idly playing with her chestnut hair.
*****
Ten days later Lucilla was summoned to the apartment her father occupied in the governor's residence. It consisted of only few rooms, a far cry from the giant imperial Palace on the Palatine Hill in Rome, but Caesar seemed to enjoy the reduced space, often claiming it offered less distractions and more opportunity to concentrate. As for Lucilla, she too liked her quarters, but the lack of social life was beginning to bore her, since she and her maidens had almost covered all the possible topics for conversation.
"Did you call me, Father?" the princess asked, as she stepped into the tablinium.
Marcus Aurelius raised his eyes from the desk and smiled at his comely daughter. "Yes, Lucilla, I called for you. I have a task for you."
The young woman's eyes shone with interest. "What kind of task, Father?"
Caesar rose from his chair and walked around the desk to stand near his daughter. "The city duumviri have arranged a play for this afternoon, but unfortunately I won't be able to attend because I have an already scheduled meeting with the judges of the imperial tribunal to listen to some petitions. So, I would like for you to go to the theatre in my place, to represent me."
Lucilla nodded with enthusiasm, "I will certainly go, Father."
Caesar grinned, "I was sure of it, in fact I have already arranged an escort for you. Tribune Maximus will come with you, as chief of your guards."
The girl's heart almost jumped out of her chest as she heard her father's words: Maximus was going with her! What wonderful news! In the last ten days she had seen just some glimpses of him, while he crossed the corridors of the governor's residence or inner yard, always with a purposeful stride that indicated business and great seriousness. Lucilla knew the tribune was serving as a secretary of the governor, to polish his administrative skills for his future offices as quaestor, aedilis and praetor, all the necessary steps of the 'course of honour' he needed to take to become worthy of the command of a legion, a task requiring military and political skills. She could not wait to meet him again, to really have a chance to talk with him and come to know him better. Suddenly, the boredom that had threatened her vacation time disappeared like snow under the sun as the girl kissed her father's cheek, before leaving the room with steps lighter than those of a dancer.
*****
Lucilla rose to her feet and clapped her hands when the actors came out on the stage and bowed in front of the audience, and she saw Maximus do the same at her side. The play, a comedy by Plautus, had been very funny and well performed but, as far as the princess was concerned, not as entertaining as the tribune's company. In Rome, women and men sat in separate sectors of the theatre when attending a play, but this time an exception had been made for Caesar's daughter, and she had spent two wonderful hours sitting with the handsome tribune at her side, commenting the plot and the characters with him and discovering he had a dry and ready sense of humour. What a pity he showed it so little.
"Are you ready to go, my lady?" Maximus' voice intruded in her thoughts and she nodded.
"Yes, I am ready. But I don't want to return to the governor's residence just yet, it is such a wonderful afternoon I would like to visit the city."
"There is no problem, my lady, I am at your complete disposal. We can do everything you wish." The tribune smiled at her then offered her his elbow, which she shyly took, letting him guide her outside the theatre.
*****
They walked along the town streets for a long time, Lucilla always keeping her hand on the tribune's forearm. He was not wearing his uniform that day, but a white tunica and his senatorial toga with the purple hem and he looked even more attractive than in his leather cuirass. She felt a strange sensation originating from where her hand touched his skin and her heart began to race. Time and time again she had overheard her maids speaking of being in love with this or that servant or soldier, or she had talked about handsome young patricians with her friends, but never before, in her sheltered and controlled life, a man had caused her this reaction. Was she in love? She was not sure.... and perhaps it would have been better to forget such a thought.
"Are you all right, my lady?" The concern in Maximus' voice made her realize she had been silent and lost in her world for a long time and she squeezed his arm in reassurance.
"Yes, Maximus, I was just thinking."
"May I ask about what, my lady?" He turned to look at her, a slight smile on his lips.
"About what I have to do to convince you to stop calling me, "my lady," she lied. "My name is Lucilla."
"It would not be appropriate, my lady, you are Caesar's daughter."
"Well, if it is so, I think I might order you to call me by my name. What do you think?" She stopped walking to stare into his eyes.
"Are you going to do so? To order me around?" Maximus sustained her gaze.
"No, I don't want to give orders to you, but I would like for you to respect my request. Please call me Lucilla, at least when we are not in public. I would really love it."
The tribune did not reply for several seconds, but then he did, the grin that started from his lips to reach his eyes told her his answer even before he spoke.
"How can I not obey such a gracious request, Lucilla?"
The sound of his voice saying her name and the expression of his face were almost too much for the girl, who felt her knees buckle and she actually became light-headed. However, she recovered quickly and trying to distract herself, joked, "See? I've always said you can obtain everything with good manners." She cocked her eyebrow at him and Maximus replied to her with a hearty laugh, before they started to walk again.
*****
Half an hour later, while they were examining a wine vendor's stand in the market and Maximus was telling Lucilla how he was able to recognize the areas of origin of the various wines by the shape of the amphorae or the producers' marks on them, a centurion approached them waving his hand and calling aloud,"I finally found you, Meridas! I have something important to discuss with you."
The tribune turned his head to look at the newcomer and murmured, "I did not know I got lost."
Lucilla grinned as the other man stared, without understanding why they were laughing.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, it was only a joke. So Livius, what do you want to tell me that is so important to make you forget your manners?" Maximus gestured with his head to Lucilla.
The centurion looked at the richly dressed young woman, then at the group of Praetorians standing behind her and was quick to put two and two together.
"Oh my gods," he exclaimed, falling to his knees. "Please forgive me, domina, I am mortified."
Lucilla smiled and said, "It's all right, Livius. Please stand up."
The soldier obeyed and stood in silence in front of the princess and her companion, seeming to have lost his ability to speak, until Maximus coaxed him. "Well? What did you want to tell me?"
Livius blushed, darting a look at Caesar's daughter, before muttering, "It is not very important..."
"Instead it seemed so to me," commented Lucilla. "Please tell us, you made me very curious."
The centurion knew he could not ignore her request and thus said, "I was wondering when we can organize another game..."
Maximus grinned at once, "Aha, so you want a re-match!"
"I think you owe me one! I want a chance to win back my wine!"
"Of course, I will give you another chance, just don't cry if you lose again!"
"Tribune!" The centurion straightened in all his weight, embarrassed by his superior's comment in front of Caesar's daughter, but managed to keep his composure, not wanting to disgrace himself another time. "When can we arrange the match?"
"What about tomorrow evening? I am free."
"So am I."
"Then it is settled, we will have our game in the library of the governor's palace, as usual."
"All right." Livius nodded, then bowed deeply to Lucilla, saluted Maximus sharply and walked away.
As they watched the centurion disappear among the persons crowding the market area, the princess turned to the tribune, a confused expression on her face. "What is this about? What kind of game were you talking about?"
Maximus looked at her and while they began to walk again he explained to her, "We were speaking about latrunculi. Do you know about the game?"
"I have heard of it, but I never assisted to a game."
"It is a game of strategic ability played with pawns and a board. If you like, you might assist to tomorrow's game. It will be a re-match: Livius and I played last week. He considers himself the best player of the legion - and he is truly good - but last time he was badly beaten, losing the two amphorae of Falernian he had bet on his victory...and now he wants them back!" Maximus winked to her and Lucilla laughed in delight.
"Then I will certainly be present at the game! I won't miss it for anything in the world."
"Good! I am sure you will find it interesting. Centurion Livius is a very boisterous player and a very funny character, as you have seen."
Lucilla nodded absent-mindedly, already knowing, the next evening, all of her attention would not be reverted to Livius or the game but only to Maximus...
*****
Lucilla's previsions turned out to be right, at least in part. In fact, if it was true she gave all of her attention to Maximus, it was equally true she was fascinated by the game, to the point of wanting to learn to play it.
She voiced her desire aloud, just after Maximus beat Livius again and the centurion had left the room scorned.
"I think that would be a good idea, Lucilla," commented Marcus Aurelius, who had assisted at the last part of the game. "I have always wanted to learn, but when I was young I did not know anyone able to teach me, and when I found a teacher, I no longer had the time to practice. But you are lucky, my daughter, you now have the time to learn and I am sure Maximus will be happy to teach you to play."
"Of course, Caesar, it will be a pleasure." The tribune replied at once and Lucilla felt a shiver run along her spine, because her ears, which were becoming very attuned to Maximus' voice, had caught the note of enthusiasm in his tone. He was truly happy to spend time with her; he was not doing it because it was his duty and that consideration made her want to jump with joy. In her heart she was sure something special was happening between her and Maximus; it was developing slowly and she did not know where it might lead her, but she knew she did not want it to stop, not now- not ever.
******
The next day, after the end of the tribune's duty, Lucilla and Maximus found themselves once again in the library, sitting at a table across from each other, with a wooden board between them. They exchanged a smile before Maximus began his lesson, with a historical introduction about the origins of the latrunculi, which derived from a Greek game called Petteia, known since the time of the Trojan War. Then he started to explain the rules of the game.
"These are the pawns," he said pointing at the pieces set on the board, "As you can see there are two kinds of pieces: the mandrae, the simple ones, and the bellatores, also called milites, which are much more powerful. They both move along the board on straight lines, but following different rules...Lucilla, are you listening to me?"
"Yes, yes, I am listening, I was just trying to picture the moves you described to me," the princess said quickly, not wanting to betray she had been daydreaming, lulled by Maximus' warm voice and fascinated by the view of his big, strong hands moving gracefully along the board, almost caressing the wooden little pieces, making her wonder how they would feel like on her skin. The thought made her blush, and she pushed it resolutely away, returning her focus to the latrunculi. However, a stifled giggle behind her back alerted Lucilla that her maids, present in the room for decency's sake, had not been fooled by her words; luckily Maximus seemed to believe her because, after throwing a confused look at her ancellae, he began to talk again. This time Lucilla forced herself to concentrate on the game, but it was not easy, not easy at all.
*****
The lessons continued in the following days and under Maximus' tutelage, Lucilla's skills with the latrunculi improved quickly. She loved the game because it was not a mere matter of luck as the dice, but instead it required using the brain to create a plan of action while trying to surmise your opponent's moves. The young woman liked to test herself in that way, but she was aware the greatest part of her enjoyment came from the fact she was spending time with Maximus. The latrunculi were usually played in silence, to allow maximum concentration, but the tribune and the princess often talked during their games, such as to teach the girl to think and elaborate moves and counter moves even in distracting situations, and those conversations were the moments she treasured most. They spoke of everything, from their childhood to their favourite books, from their tutors to their pet animals. Lucilla was fascinated by the obvious love Maximus nurtured for his home in Trujillo, love which transpired in his vivid descriptions of gently rolling hills, of wheat fields waving in the wind, of a pink stoned villa surrounded by cypresses, making the girl wish to visit the place one day. On the other hand, he was captured by her tales about Rome, and by the descriptions of the many temples, large forums and basilicas, and of the mighty Colosseum, even if he was sickened by the whole concept of the gladiatorial games. Lucilla tended to agree with him - she hated the spectacles, preferring instead the horse races in the Circus Maximus and she promised herself to take Maximus there, when he would settle down in Rome to begin his political career; she was sure he would have appreciated the races.
*****
Soon the "lessons" with Maximus became the centre of Lucilla's life. She knew she had fallen in love with the ruggedly handsome soldier and she was always counting the time until she could see him again or spent hours on the terrace of her room, daydreaming or talking about him with her maids; especially with the dark haired Illyrian girl who was her best friend.
Delia, that was the ancella's name, was a bit older than Lucilla, and much more expert than the younger girl about the things that occurred between women and men. The princess had been always curious about the subject, as it was normal for a young woman of her age, but now her interest became much more urgent and intense and her questions became very pointed. That day she asked Delia if there was some safe way to avoid pregnancy, the maid knew something potentially dangerous was boiling in the pot, and that her mistress' innocent interest for the very manly tribune that was teaching her to play latrunculi had become something much more serious. It was a shock for her and thus she tried to bring Lucilla back to reason, and away from certain thoughts.
"My lady," she said, her voice betraying all of her shock, "Why are you asking such a question? You cannot really think of giving yourself to that soldier!"
"Why not?" Lucilla replied, feigning a certainty she was far from feeling. "I love him and I want him to be my first man, if it will be possible."
"I won't allow it. I cannot allow it!" Delia almost cried, but her mistress walked near her, and taking her hands in her own, she said, "But you will let me, because you know this might be the only chance I have to know real love. You know it is highly unlikely I will find it in Lucius Verus' bed, a man old enough to be my father and interested only in the sons I will give to him..."
"I know, Lucilla, I know." The maid squeezed Lucilla's hands, "And you are right, I cannot deny you this. But you must promise me to be very careful and not to take any risk..." Delia stared hard at the other girl's eyes, forgetting for a while all the class barriers to become only a woman concerned for her friend's well being.
"I will be very careful, don't worry." Lucilla commented reassuringly, then her face saddened and took a wishful expression as she added softly, "After all, these might as well remain only dreams, as far as Maximus is concerned...He has never shown interest in me. Oh, I do not doubt he likes me as a friend and latrunculi opponent, but as for the rest..." her voice died and she lowered her eyes, to hide her pain.
Delia's fingers sneaked under her chin and when their gazes met again, the black-haired girl murmured with conviction, "He is in love with you, Lucilla, I am sure of it. He is trying to control his feelings, but his eyes betray him when he looks at you every time he thinks you cannot notice him. It is just a matter of time, trust me, and this makes even more urgent you learn some things you really need to know. Now wait here, I have something to show you in my room."
Lucilla watched Delia disappear from her chamber, her heart in turmoil because of her friend's words, all the while praying to the gods to make Maximus give her a signal very soon.
And the gods listened to her prayer.
*****
It happened two days later, during their daily lesson. Maximus had just ended his explanation to Lucilla of a special move he had invented and, to be sure she had really mastered how it was done, he instructed her to repeat it. Lucilla fixed the position of her pawns on the board and then raised her arm, ready to move one of her bellatores. However, a sudden doubt struck her so she stopped with her hand in mid-air, as she reconsidered the situation. She did not know how much time she spent that way, but when she finally acted, it happened at the same moment Maximus had decided to come to her rescue and show her the appropriate piece she had to move. The result was he closed his hand over hers, as they both reached for the same bellator.
Precisely in the moment his warm, calloused fingers posed over hers, Lucilla felt a bout of energy shaking her, as strong as lightning, originating from the point where their skin touched. Shocked, she raised her head to look at Maximus, to see if he too felt the same sensation, and almost jumped as she met his gaze. He was staring at her as he had never done before, with an intensity that was almost scary, making Lucilla feel as if she were naked in front of him, her body shivering with anxiety- and desire. His pupils were dilated and his breath was heavy and hurried, as he seemed to devour her face, her neck, and her breasts with his gaze. The tension between them was almost a living entity, as Lucilla waited mesmerized for his next move, her heart pounding in her chest, as time seemed to stop and the other occupants of the room ceased to exist. Maximus continued to brand her skin, until he suddenly blinked and shook his head, as if he was waking up from a trance-like state. He looked away from her and the action broke the spell, as they both lowered their heads to stare at their still joined hands and quickly retracted their arms. After a long pause, Maximus cleared his throat and asked, "Do you want to play another game, Lucilla?" his voice did not sound steady as usual and Lucilla noticed his hands were shaking, just as her own.
"No," she replied slowly, knowing very well there was no way she could concentrate on the latrunculi after what had just happened. "Let's conclude our lesson for today."
"As you wish. And now, if you would excuse me, I have something to do...." And before the young woman was able to say a single word, Maximus rose on his feet and almost rushed out of the room, leaving her behind, alone, confused and excited.
*****
Later that night, lying in her bed, Lucilla closed her eyes for what seemed to be the hundredth time, but once again, as soon as she did it, the image of Maximus' burning gaze returned to enflame her, making her skin grow hot, causing a strange, tingling sensation to her breasts and lower regions. She felt the almost irresistible pull to touch herself there, imagining it was not her fingers, but Maximus' calloused ones but got ahold of herself, and rose from the bed, to open the window shutters, walking outside on the terrace, hoping the cool air would help to calm her nerves.
She had just got used to the scarce light coming from the moon, when she saw a shape move in the porch of the villa, in front of her position. Her heart almost jumped out of her chest as she recognized Maximus' sturdy frame and bearded face. He was leaning against a column and was looking at the sky, and the moonlight made his blue eyes shine so much Lucilla noticed it though she was very far from him.
'What is he doing there?' She asked herself. 'Is he unable to sleep like me? Is he too thinking about what happened this afternoon?' There was only one way to know, to ask him directly. Without making any noise, Lucilla left the terrace, donned her slippers and exited her room, slipping quickly down the stairs, afraid Maximus might go away. But he was still there when she stepped into the porch, and she slowed down her pace, wanting him to have plenty of time to notice her arrival.
He saw her at once and his eyes widened in disbelief as he took in her presence.
"Lucilla, what-what are you doing here?" he stammered, as his gaze swept over her to make sure she was really standing in front of him wearing only a white, almost translucent night-gown.
"I saw you from my terrace and I wanted to ask if you are all right." The young woman said, she too realizing Maximus had dressed very quickly, because he only was wearing a white linen tunic, without any belt or sandals.
"Thanks for you concern. I am fine, just having some problems falling asleep. Nothing to be worried about." Maximus forced a smile, "And now it is better for you to return to your room."
"Are you unable to sleep because of what happened this afternoon?" Lucilla asked without any half measures and even in the scarce light she saw Maximus pale as his face tensed.
"No," he replied, with a strangled voice.
"You are lying," she said with certainty and a note of triumph, before stepping nearer to him. Maximus tried to back away, but the column blocked him. "What are you afraid of?" she murmured, raising her trembling hand to caress his cheek.
"Lucilla, stop this." Maximus ordered in his best commanding tone, but it had little effect on the girl, who continued to touch his face, even brushing his lips with her fingers. "Stop this," he said again, and this time his voice was unsteady, as she noticed he was shaking, his hands clenched to fists.
"You don't want me to stop," she replied, in a sultry voice she barely recognized as her own. She had never felt as bold or daring as she was feeling in that moment, as if another person had taken hold of her body. "You want me to continue.... You want me. Don't try to deny it..."
"I won't," Maximus finally capitulated, raising his own hand to block hers, bringing it to his lips and kissing it with ardour, before resolutely pushing it away. "But what I want does not matter here, because I cannot have it."
"But I want to give it to you!"
"Lucilla…"
"I love you Maximus, I've loved you for a long time and, and I want to make love with you." Lucilla looked pleadingly into his eyes.
Maximus smiled sadly at her, reaching out his hand to caress her cheek with his index finger. "I too love you Lucilla, I started to love you from the first time I saw you, but it is not enough. What you ask from me is something only your husband can give to you, and I cannot dishonour you in this way, as much as I burn for you."
Lucilla's heart cried at the naked love and honesty in his eyes and made desperate by her longing, she made her last move, "But who says you cannot become my husband?"
"What?" he almost choked out.
"You are a senator's son coming from an impeccable family and my father is friends with yours, not to mention that he considers you a hero and one of his best military leaders. You are on the brink of a brilliant political career...you have everything you need to become my husband." Lucilla knew she was lying and that Maximus had no chance to marry her because she was already engaged, but she was too desperate to have him, to know how it felt to become a woman with him, as if her whole life depended on it. "I have no doubts my father will approve our match."
Lucilla watched as his resolve began to crumble and he asked seriously, "Are you sure of it?" He stared at her, trying to read her thoughts, but she was able to conceal the truth from him.
"Yes, my love, I know my father well. He will agree, trust me."
"I trust you...." With a groan of need, Maximus let go of all of his restrain, and wrapped her in his arms, slamming her against his chest, pressing her hips against his already aroused flesh, and claiming her lips for a passionate kiss.
Lucilla almost choked when he coaxed her lips apart and slipped his tongue into her mouth and she stiffened in his arms and tried to back away from him.
"What's wrong?" he asked, not understanding until he stared at her fearful eyes and he realized her previous bold attitude was only a facade. Everything was completely new for Lucilla and he had stormed over her like the waves of the tempestuous sea crashing on the shore.
"Oh my gods," he whispered, "Forgive me, my love, I did not want to scare you." He took a couple of long, deep breaths to calm himself, then, smiling, he reached out a hand to take hers. "Come with me, my Lucilla, I will go slowly from now on...I promise."
Lucilla nodded, trusting his words and replying to his smile then led him into the house and up to her room.
*****
Once they were inside the bedchamber, and the door was bolted behind their backs, they looked at each other with nervousness, until Lucilla turned to Maximus and asked with a smile, "Now what?"
Her innocent query broke the tension and he stepped nearer to her, gathering her in a gentle embrace. "We will start from the basics," he murmured into her ear, before kissing her neck, cheeks, eyelids and finally her mouth. With great tenderness, he taught her lips first to part to accept his tongue and then to match and imitate his moves.
Lucilla learned quickly and, lost in pleasure, she soon grabbed his head to deepen the contact and their kisses turned wildly passionate. Then, in a sudden move that took her breath away, Maximus bent down and swept her in his arms, carrying her to the bed and posing her in its centre. "We will be more comfortable here."
Lucilla nodded and knelt on the mattress, kicking away her slippers as Maximus sat in front of her. Slowly, languidly, his hands rose to caress her through the light fabric of her nightgown. She could see sweat pearls on his brow and she idly wondered about the extent of his self-control. The caresses continued for a long time, as Maximus' hands and fingers became bolder, brushing the dress away to sneak beneath it. When he cupped her breasts, toying with her hard nipples, Lucilla let out a loud moan, causing Maximus to smile with satisfaction, "That feels good, doesn't it?"
She was barely able to nod.
"But that gown is getting in the way...let's remove it."
Once again she replied with a nod, raising her arms over her head to assist him. And then she was naked in front of Maximus for the first time, but she felt no shame, no embarrassment, because it felt natural, right.
"You are beautiful," he murmured in a voice thick with desire, loving her with his gaze. "More beautiful than Venus herself."
She smiled at his compliment and reclined back on the pillows. "Come to me," she whispered, watching with half closed eyes as he undressed in front of her. Just like her, he wore no loincloth, and the beauty of his hard, male body slammed against her senses....
THIS PART HAD BEEN EDITED FOR IT CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEX. If you wish to read it, please e-mail me at this address: [email protected] I will be happy to send it to you.
When she regained her awareness, she found herself wrapped in Maximus' arms, her head on his chest, his heartbeat and whispered words of love lulling her to sleep. She had barely the time to raise her head, give him a soft kiss and a murmured "I love you" before Morpheus came to visit her and she left with him for the land of dreams, where, she was sure, Maximus would be there to meet her.
*****
The following weeks were the happiest of Lucilla's life, as her affair with Maximus developed and grew in intensity. During the days they behaved as nothing had changed between them, playing latrunculi, going outside for rides escorted by her Praetorians or going to visit Emerita Augusta. But during the nights, with the favour of darkness and Delia's complicity, the lovers met in Lucilla's room, to give free rein to their youthful passion. Maximus turned to be everything she had dreamed for: gentle, tender, and ardent. During the day he looked always so serious, but when he was alone with her, he transformed in a carefree young man, always ready to laugh, joke or play with her, even starting a cushions battle during an especially wild night. But he was also very willing to listen to her, to her dreams, her fears, and her concerns about Commodus and his sometimes-immoral behaviour.
"Don't worry," he once whispered, hugging her tightly, "I will help you with him, when we are married…our future will be shed of preoccupations, I promise you." Lucilla had squeezed his back in reply, but her heart had cried.
Our future...There could not be any future for them, at least not as Maximus intended it, as husband and wife. But she hoped to be able to convince him to remain her lover, when he would arrive in Rome for his political career, in spite of her marriage with Lucius Verus. However, something kept telling her that might be impossible, that Maximus was too honourable to willingly cheat on one of his Caesars, and thus she kept on postponing the day she would have to tell him the whole truth.
Maximus would have wanted to speak with her father and ask for her hand at once, but Lucilla managed to stop him, explaining him Marcus Aurelius would have preferred for them not to rush, to take time to ponder their decision, and not to be too impetuous with such an important matter. Her words convinced Maximus to wait, but the young woman knew it would not be for much longer.
But all the knots sooner or later come to the comb, and Lucius Verus' sudden arrival destroyed Lucilla's happiness in only few hours.
*****
It was early afternoon, and Lucilla was getting ready for her latrunculi practice time with Maximus, when the door was slammed open and her lover burst into her room.
Lucilla and her maids jumped on their feet, and almost backed away from the fury emanating from his persona.
"Get out!" he roared to the ancellae, who turned to look at their mistress with fearful eyes.
"Do as he commands," she said, and they obeyed.
Maximus waited till the door closed behind them, then crossed the room in few strides and growled, "Why did you not tell me you are already promised to Lucius Verus?"
"What?" her breath left her in a rush, "Who told you that?" She asked, wanting to deny his words.
"Don't try to say it is not true, because I heard it from him in person."
"Lucius is here?"
"He has just arrived, wanting to spend some time in leisure with his wife-to-be, before they all leave for Rome. I think these were his very words. I was in your father's office when he arrived - we were talking about Germania - and the Co-Emperor's enthusiasm was so high he did not bother about my presence." Maximus' voice dripped venom.
Lucilla felt tears spring from her eyes as she lowered them, "You are right, Maximus, I lied to you."
"I already know it. But why did you do so?"
"Because you would not have allowed yourself to be with me if I had told you the truth." She said, looking into his eyes.
"Of course I would not have done it! I cannot believe you played with me, making me think there was a future for us-"
"I did not play with you! I love you Maximus! And I wanted you. I wanted to know true love before I have to do my duty to Rome and my father." She said, pleading him to understand her with her gaze.
"And what about my duty to Rome and your father? What would he think of me if he knew I dishonoured his daughter? Would he believe I did it only because you led me to believe I could become your husband?" He shouted back sarcastically.
"Yes, Maximus, I would believe you, because you are the most honourable man I have ever known, and I am well aware you would not have touched my daughter in any other circumstance." Marcus Aurelius' voice calmly cut the air, and both lovers turned around to see Caesar standing on the threshold, Lucilla's scared maids peeking from behind his back.
"Father!"
"Caesar!"
The youngsters spoke in unison, their voices betraying their shock.
Marcus Aurelius advanced into the room, raising his hand to silence further talks. "I saw your agitation while you were in my office, Maximus, and I saw you getting pale when my adoptive brother spoke of his imminent wedding with Lucilla. My instinct told me something was wrong and I decided to follow you."
"Caesar-" the tribune began again, only to be silenced once more.
"Shh, Maximus," the emperor said quietly. "Go to my office and wait for me; I will arrive directly."
"As you command, Caesar."
Maximus threw a last glance at Lucilla, a mixture of rage, affection and fear that was going to be the last time he saw her, then walked away.
Once he was gone, Lucilla stared at the closed door for a long time, before turning to her father, begging, "Please father, don't punish him! He indulged in my wish because he thought he would be allowed to marry me...I made him believe so."
"I know that, daughter, I know. But you are lucky Lucius does not." He sighed deeply, raking his fingers through his silver-streaked chestnut hair. "Now I must go to speak with Maximus. I must decide what to do. I will return later." He left with a final nod, leaving behind a shocked, worried girl who could not believe her happiness had so quickly and unexpectedly come to an end. A girl who was now beginning to realize how dangerous lies could be, and how it was not possible to control the events or make them go as she wished.
*****
Two hours later Caesar returned to visit his daughter, noticing at once her swollen and reddened eyes.
"I told Lucius you are not feeling well," he began softly, "this should guarantee you a few days of quiet, to regain your composure."
"Thank you, Father." Lucilla smiled weakly.
There was a moment of silence, before Marcus Aurelius, reading his daughter's anxious gaze, broke it.
"Maximus is gone, Lucilla."
"Gone? And where?" she whispered, her eyes widening.
"I sent him home for a brief leave, before he departs for Germania."
"I understand." she commented, her mind already thinking how to contact him at his farm, how to send him a letter and try to explain her actions to him. She had wanted to do it in person, but this would have to do...
"Don't even think about it, Lucilla." Marcus Aurelius' stern voice intruded her mind. "You won't send any letter to Maximus, nor you will try to contact him in any way. There won't be any more meetings between you. You have played with him enough, it is time to break up this affair, and a clean cut is the best thing for everyone involved."
"But Father...I need to explain to him...I need…"
"No, Lucilla. You should have thought about what could happen before you lied to Maximus. You were wrong and now you will pay for it. You will return to Italia to help your mother with your soon to- be-born sibling and to prepare for your wedding with Lucius. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Father." Lucilla lowered her head.
"Good." Marcus Aurelius began to walk away but suddenly stopped and added, "I was forgetting something. To avoid possible temptations, I will arrange for Maximus to continue his course of honour away from Rome, but here in Hispania, covering the equivalent offices in Emerita Augusta."
"What? Why are you punishing him? I told you it was my fault!" Lucilla's green eyes blazed.
"If I know him well, I doubt Maximus will consider it a punishment. I think he will prefer to stay here, near his family, instead of travelling all the way to Rome."
"But he will never become the great general you think he deserves to be, if he does not serve in Rome and makes his name well known to the politicians!"
"That won't be necessary, I will take care of it. You see, Lucilla, I want to protect both of you from temptations and possible scandals that would really ruin your lives, but I also want to protect Maximus from our corrupted political class. I have the feeling that one day I might need a honest and honourable man on whom I can rely without hesitation." Lucilla nodded, not really convinced by his words, but knowing she had no choice. Her father was a good-natured man, but he was inflexible when he had taken a decision.
Silence fell again and Marcus Aurelius left the room, leaving his daughter alone with her broken heart and shattered dreams.
TODAY
Lucilla blinked and stared at the sea in front of her, trying to stop the flood of memories before they reached their unavoidable conclusion, but it was too late and thus she returned once again to the past, to almost nine months after she had last seen Maximus in Hispania. To the day she had given birth to a baby girl, officially come to the world only seven months after her marriage with Lucius Verus. But Lucilla, Delia and probably Marcus Aurelius too, had known the truth, that Annia Lucilla the Younger was indeed Maximus' daughter, the living proof the sponges the maid had instructed Lucilla to use had not worked as well as they were supposed to.
For five, wonderful months, little Annia had been the joy of Lucilla's life, until a sudden fever had taken her away, almost at the same time when news had reached the empress that Maximus had been married to a girl from Emerita Augusta. The knowledge theirs was a union dictated by true affection and not by politics, had hammered home the last nail in the coffin of Lucilla's love for the handsome Spaniard and she had finally realized she had lost him- forever.
Caprae, early January 182.
"When can we go home, mother?" Lucius asked, raising his head from the scroll he was reading. "It is so boring here in the winter, and I miss my friends." He looked wishfully out of the window, to the grey sky and pouring rain, imagining he was seeing Rome's monuments and temples.
"Soon, Lucius, we will return home soon." His mother replied, trying to soothe him.
"You told me so last month, but we are still here." The boy complained, pulling a face.
"It does not depend on me, but on the new emperor. He sent us here and only he can allow us to return to Rome." She tried to make him understand.
"Then I guess he does not want us there..." Lucius looked at his mother interrogatively.
"I am afraid it is so." Lucilla capitulated, knowing she could not avoid the truth forever.
"Is it because of what Uncle did?" her son asked with the typical innocence of children. "Is Caesar afraid we will do the same?"
"Yes, I think it might be so," she replied to keep him quiet, even if she knew it were not their ties with Commodus but those with the still beloved Marcus Aurelius that really scared Pertinax.
The boy nodded, then his eyes assumed a far away look. "I used to like Uncle, he was always gentle with me."
"I know, Lucius, but your uncle was also very ill...his madness was destroying all the good in him and he had to be eliminated. Do you understand?" Lucilla caressed her son's silky hair, and putting an arm on his shoulders, pressed him against her side.
"I understand, Mother. I've seen how his presence made you tense and worried. I am just sad it had to finish so badly, both for Uncle and Maximus. Do you know that tomorrow it will be six months since the day of their duel?"
"Really?" Lucilla was surprised she had lost her sense of time.
"Yes." Lucius was silent for a while, then he suddenly asked, "Who do you think took away Maximus' body?"
"How do you know about it?" his mother whispered, her throat constricted.
"I overhead one of the guards telling it to Senator Gracchus the morning after the duel."
"I see." Lucilla looked briefly out of the window, noticing that the rain was falling slower than before and went on, "I don't know who took Maximus' body. We searched for him, but we had no luck. I suppose his fellow gladiator friends took him away. Perhaps they wanted to bury him in some secret place or with a special ritual."
Lucius nodded, satisfied with the explanation and then his face lit up when he saw the rain had stopped falling.
"Look mother! The weather has improved! May I go out for a while?"
"Of course, but put your cape on and be careful not to walk too near the edge of the cliffs, the terrain is slippery."
"I know, Mother, I know!" Lucius rolled his eyes upon hearing her usual recommendation and after a quick kiss on her cheek, he stormed out of the room.
Lucilla watched him go, before turning to look at the other occupant of the room.
"Please go with him, Delia. He has so much energy stored away I am afraid he might exaggerate in his play."
"I shall do so. But- Are you all right, domina?" asked her long time servant and companion.
"Yes I am, my friend. It's just that every time I think I have come to terms with Maximus' death, something happens to make me realize how wrong I am." Lucilla's green eyes suddenly filled with tears. "Why did they have to take him away? Why did they not leave me even the chance to cry at his tomb? Why do the gods keep on punishing me?"
"They are not punishing you, Lucilla, but the ways of the gods are often mysterious and we can only follow them. However, I am sure they will soon return to smile at you, my lady."
Lucilla forced a smile. "I hope so my friend, I hope so."
Delia squeezed her shoulder in silent support and went away, leaving her mistress alone with her thoughts.
*****
It was a dark late January afternoon and once again rain was pouring on the island, while the stormy sea threatened to impede any kind of contact with the continent for several days.
Lucilla was in her room, carefully writing a letter directed at Senator Gracchus, her only trusted friend and ally in Rome. The old politician kept her informed about the situation in the Urbe and cared for the administration of her personal estates and money. She had given him the task to purchase a big piece of land in some remote area of the empire, with the hope Lucius and she might be allowed to settle there, and she now wanted to know if her friend had been able to do as she had asked. Since their letters were probably read by the Praetorians on the island or by Pertinax' men, Lucilla and Gracchus had resorted to use a code they had invented to communicate during Commodus' reign and a lot of time was required to compose a letter in that way.
Suddenly the door was thrown open and Delia appeared on the threshold, one hand pressed to her mouth. Her sudden appearance - despite their long friendship she had never abused her familiarity - her pale face and hurried breath were more than enough to worry Lucilla to the bones and she rose to her feet at once, almost knocking over her chair.
"What's going on, Delia? Did something happen to Lucius?"
Delia shook her head slowly, but the tears streaming down her cheeks did nothing to reassure Lucilla, who crossed the room till she was face to face with the other woman and took her hands in her own, they were chilly and they were trembling. Marcus Aurelius' daughter felt a shiver of premonition run along her spine, before she calmly said, "What happened?"
The maid, her speech broken by tears, began to speak, "I just overhead a conversation between the guards. They said Pertinax had been killed because he was not able to pay the promised money to the Praetorians; Didius Julianus is the new emperor and he- he..." Delia's voice died.
"He what, Delia? What my friend?"
"He...Oh, my lady! He had decided to have you and Lucius executed. He thinks you are too dangerous."
Lucilla listened to her death sentence with an almost unreal calm, as if she had always known it was going to end that way, and now that it had happened, she felt almost relief. But of course it was not so, because she was not alone. Her son, her sweet innocent son had been sentenced to die with her. He, a poor nine year-old boy who had never done anything bad in his whole life. Almost without being aware of it, Lucilla slid to the floor, her body wracked by sobs. With a cry Delia knelt and wrapped her friend in her arms, as they both abandoned themselves to pain.
Lucilla did not know how much time she had spent on the pavement, but after a while her sobs subsided and she regained her self-control. Brushing away her tears, she smiled sadly at Delia and whispered, "So, it seems the gods have decided what they want to do with me..."
The ancella shook her head and said, "I am so sorry, Lucilla. I prayed to the gods to spare you, but it was not enough."
"Shh, Delia, it is not your fault. Now we need to get hold of ourselves. I don't want for Lucius to see me this way. I - I don't want to ruin..." 'his last days', she was not able to complete aloud.
Delia swallowed hard and whispered, "In my...in my room there is a vial- it is poison. It is quick and it is painless. If you…"
"No Delia," Lucilla shook her head, "I thank you, but I won't escape my destiny. I want to look in my executioner's face when he strangles me. As for Lucius...I hope to be able to convince Julianus my son does not pose a threat to him...And I already know I wouldn't be able to harm him in any way...I would not be able to look into his eyes and see them close forever. It happened already once and I cannot bear to assist to it again."
"Then I will do it. I am sure they will let me come with you...I will put Lucius to sleep for eternity if your request of grace is denied by Caesar...What do you think?"
Lucilla was barely able to nod. It seemed so unreal to be there, planning her son's death as if it was a normal matter, but it was tragically true. She took several deep breaths, then asked, "Do you know when it will happen?"
"The Praetorians said they are expecting the Prefect's arrival from Rome. He will escort you back to the Capital, and he should be here when the sea calms down."
The former empress nodded, "Good, then we will do our best to be ready to receive Prefect Quintus with all the honours befitting a master traitor," she said sarcastically, rising to her feet and helping Delia to do the same. "Thank you my friend. For everything." She whispered, before rearranging her hair in some kind of order and marching out of the room to prepare for her appointment with destiny.