*ahem* hello welcome back fellow socially-deprived twats. Jk yall probably have more of a social life than I do . I have like three friends. Shout out to Davie, Gunner and Cow. Aight listen up: this chapter will be more enjoyable for you if you have listened to the song lose yourself by Eminem. If you haven't then I suggest you do before reading this. Don't ask why. Also I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes cuz im typing this on my tablet cuz my COMPUTER CAN SMD
Enjoy bb~
"Matt! I came back just like I promised I would!"
Gilbert awoke to the sound of someone knocking on a door. That better not be one of his friends. Today is the day he is supposed to ask Matt out on that fluffy date he promised the readers. If that is one of his friends there's no way Matt is going to agree. He had the whole date planned: he will take Matt to a French restaurant and charm him with all the French he knows (je suis un sexy garçon ;D) then they'll go up a mountain or some shit and do stereotypical cute couple stuff and then they'll go home and bang. Fuck yes.
Gilbert starts going downstairs, a little nervous to see who would be standing at the door. It's...
Not one of his friends thank the Lord. It is a man with dreadlocks. Gilbert likes dreadlocks. He's always wanted to feel dreadlocks. Maybe he should get dreadlocks. Nah.
Gilbert is an idiot and doesn't hear what Matt and Bob Marley wannabe are talking about but since it's necessary to the story you can hear.
"Uh, Carlos, I never really thought I'd see you again... Ever." Matt says.
"I promised I'd come back didn't I? Now we can get married like we always wanted!"
Matthew twitches, "Listen, when you were getting ready to jump the border and I promised we would get married if you ever returned I wasn't really thinking. We were young and reckless. I thought it was true love but it isn't..."
Carlos's face suddenly became very dark and scary like in anime when the innocent character turns out to be not-so-innocent and you're just like wtf, "I thought it was true love," Carlos says. Oh fuck yandere alert RUN.
Meanwhile Gilbert is thinking to himself.
Hmmmm I guess I'll just ask Matt out on the date right now. That guy won't care plus the more the merrier?
NO GILBERT YOU IDIOT is what you're thinking.
"Matt," Gilbert calls from the top of the staircase. Carlos and Matthew both look up. Matthew visibly starts stressing, "Will you go on a date with me today?"
Matthew face palms. Carlos... Carlos calmly exits? Oh.
Calmly is what you think but once he's outside he gets ready to call 1800-HELLA-FRIDGE.
Aight let's move on to somethin' more exciting. Toris is mad asf. So mad that he can only speak in Eminem rap lyrics. Which is a problem 'cuz the only Eminem song he knows is Lose Yourself.
"I'm like a snail I've got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot," he raps.
"He's basically saying we need to figure out what to do before we get put in jail or shot by that American bitch-stealer," says Edswag. Ravias cry. Ravias always cry. Ravias never not cry. Ravias cry because he doesn't have a swag name like Edswag, Ivan Bruh or Toris. Ravias is now Ravia$ so that he'll stop crying. Ravia$ now cry tears of happiness because narrator-senpai finally noticed him. Oh for fucks sake.
"How about we hire Matthias and his assassin gang to get them for us?" Asks Ivan Bruh. Edswag gets an automatic boner 'cuz he has always wanted to be part of that assassin group. Ravia$ is still crying.
"Wait who is Ravia$?" asks Edswag.
"Me" said Ravia$.
"Oh"
"About my idea..." Said Ivan Bruh. Ivan Bruh should've been the leader of this gang cuz' he's smarter and bigger than Toris. Plus he listens to real rap like Nicki Minaj and God aka Kanye West. He also listens to Blood on the Dance Floor but he doesn't like to talk about that. Anyway, Toris got the gang because Feliks got blackmail against Ivan Bruh. That's why Toris wants Felix back, 'cuz he don't want no Russian to take over. When Ivan Bruh saw the blackmail he fell into so much despair he became Super High School Level Despair know as (DANGAN RONPA SPOILUHRS) Junko Enoshima. Then he got bored of watching high schoolers kill each other and his boobs made his back hurt so he became Ivan Bruh and joined the gang again.
"You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a life time yo," raps Toris.
"He basically means we should do it ourselves because we can't afford to mess up," says Edswag.
"We have a larger chance of messing up if we do it," murmurs Ivan Bruh. Ravia$ still cry. Narrator is annoyed with the crying so she turns him back to Ravias. Ravias cry. OH MY GOD JUST STOP.
"I think we should just go after them," says Edswag. I though you were smart Edswag. Smh
"And hope we don't lose it," says Toris.
"What he means is-"
"It's obvious what he means. It's self explanatory" says Ivan Bruh. So they get ready to leave. There palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on there sweaters already, moms spaghetti. They're nervous but on the surface they look calm and ready to-
"Shut up narrator-senpai," says Ravias.
"Who's Narrator-senpai," asks everyone else.
RAVIAS I'M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT. And then I kill Ravias cuz he's annoying as fuck. Suck my dick Ravias. Ravias cry. No wait he can't cuz he's DEAD.
Now that the gang is short one member they decided to call 1800-HELLA-FRIDGE.
"I'm sorry we're already booked. We got a call this morning." is the response they get.
I wonder who is gonna be assassinated is what everyone in the gang is thinking.
Oh shit Gilbert, Matthew RUN is what you're thinking ;)
Meanwhile Alfred's palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, moms spaghetti because he drank some bad water in Mexico and now he's sick asf and not sick in the cool way sick in the ewwww 'stop puking or I'm gonna puke too' kinda way.
Other than that things are going pretty rad for him and Feliks. The managed to escape the swag gang which is yay. But they are unaware that they're still hunting them down and that Gil and Matt are soooooo screwed. More screwed than the time Alfred's mom walked in on him masturbating to Gerard Way's face on his computer. She said she was unimpressed he was jacking off to him rather than Andy Biersack like wtf.
Back in Canada Matt's palms are spaghetti, knees weak, arms spaghetti there's spaghetti on his spaghetti already, moms spaghetti. He's nervous but on the surface he looks calm and spaghetti to drop spaghetti but he keeps on spaghetting what he-
"Narrator please," Matt interrupts me.
Fuck off Matt or I'll kill you off like Ravias but I won't because then people will cry like Ravias ugh.
"I dare you to take a chance and do it" Matt says to me.
I took a chance on your mom last weekend and she enjoyed it.
"Oh shit," says Gilbert. Thanks Gilbert ;)
";)" Gilbert says.
"What"
What.
Okay I'll stop breaking the fourth wall I'm sorry.
"I think we gotta postpone the date for a bit, sorry Gil," Matt says.
"Sorry readers," says Gilbert.
"What"
"So who was that?" Gilbert still isn't sure who the Bob Marley wannabe guy is.
"My ex-boyfriend. We were dating but he had to flee the country cuz his dad was an illegal drug trafficker and that caused a lot of problems. When he was jumping the border I promised that we'd get married if he ever came back but I guess now he knows that's not gonna happen. But he seemed chill with it though," Matthew, no. Assumptions are bad.
"K" says Gilbert.
"Anyway I thought aboot it and I am gonna call 1800-HELLA - FRIDGE," Matt says. So he does. The slutty Icelandic one is the one who picks up.
"Oh sorry we're like all booked cuz some guy named Carlos asked us to kill two guys for a good price," pause, "fuck I wasn't supposed to say that," then he hung up.
"Gilbert, I think Carlos hired the assassins to assassinate us because I won't marry him," Matt assumes. Stop assuming things Matthew.
"I thought you said he was chill with it!?1?1!?1" exclaims Gil.
"I learned a valuable lesson today," preaches Matt, "don't make assumptions and friendship is magic."
"Slay," says Gilbert.
I feel like this chapter is lacking something... Oh! Some online action.
PeterLovesPrussians: Lauren didn't like the cosplay :( she screamed when she saw us then I got sent to the office
G_Beilschmidt: this isn't the kind of online action I wanted
PeterLovesPrussians: What
G_Beilschmidt: What
LaurenTheRock:Helloooooo
G_Beilschmidt: Um
Gilbert recognized that username from somewhere what was it... Oh ya...
LaurenTheRock: You're probably wondering who I am
G_Beilschmidt: No not rly
LaurenTheRock: I'm the one who caused this while mess
Oh okay. Maybe he does want to know
G_Beilschmidt: You're the reason matt and I are gonna be killed?
LaurenTheRock: Mmmmhmmm~
LaurenTheRock: But u don't know who I am :p
Actually I do Gilbert thinks but he won't tell her that. She probably doesn't know that Peter has been taking to him. Fucking assumptions.
G_Beilschmidt: You're right I don't. I don't quite understand what u mean by 'im the one who caused this whole mess.' how did u manage to cause it?
LaurenTheRock:I'm the one who got u and Matt together
G_Beilschmidt: Wtf how I'm pretty sure I did that myself
LaurenTheRock: I hacked into your ig account and caused you to follow matt
Oh that's actually makes sense. Gilbert doesn't really recall ever actually following Matt...
G_Beilschmidt: Okaayy... But how did u know I'd dm him?
LaurenTheRock: Hmmmm call it luck
G_Beilschmidt: Luck?
LaurenTheRock: I'm a strong believer in my own luck. Kinda like Nagito Komaeda from Dangan Ronpa 2
G_Beilschmidt: Oh I love that game. And Nagito
LaurenTheRock: Same
LaurenTheRock: ANYWAY I was also the one who helped Carlos escape Cuba and come to Canada
G_Beilschmidt: Oh
LaurenTheRock: I can't say I expected Alfred and Feliks to hook up tho
G_Beilschmidt: No one expected that
G_Beilschmidt: Oh and one more question: why did you do this in the first place?
LaurenTheRock: For the yaois
G_Beilschmidt: Right, okay, u need help
LaurenTheRock: No I just need faster wifi
LaurenTheRock: I gtg but remember: you're fucked. The only way out of this is for you to come to me and prove to me yourself that you are worth of the title King of Yaoi
G_Beilschmidt: Mhm and how do I do that?
LaurenTheRock: You must show me your yaoi hands
G_Beilschmidt: I just looked up yaoi hands wtf is that even possible?
LaurenTheRock: Anything is possible ;)
LaurenTheRock: Friendly reminder that you have no idea who I am or where I live
Actually, Gilbert thinks, I do
G_Beilschmidt: Hey peeeeeeter. Where does Lauren live?
BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT INTENSE PLOT TWIST
LOL thanks for reading. There's probably only one or two more chapters til this is finished. I dunno if I'm happy or sad about that
If u understood any of the references this chapter let me know and we can start planning the wedding (o3o)
So long and goodnight, so looooooong and goodniiight