Darkest before dawn

"If you're going through hell, keep going"
-Winston Churchill

…

Shepard closed the QEC with Admiral Hackett with nothing more than a "Yes Sir", thoughts swirling around his head as he pondered his recent conversation. The decision to attack Cerberus meant that this would be his last chance to wrap up any loose ends that needed doing.

Shepard thought to himself as he walked out of the War Room, his mood suddenly pensive I've never felt the need to tie up any distractions before, even during the Suicide Mission. I can't exactly earn the loyalty of myself. He chuckled to himself at that, earning some strange looks from the two guards at the conference room scanner.

…

As Shepard turned around the corner, he saw Traynor at her station, staring blankly at it, obviously deep in thought. He approached her intending to see what was on her mind.

"Oh! Commander, sorry, didn't see you there" She exclaimed, startled by his approach. Before she could think about it she snapped off a salute.

"At ease Specialist, I've told you before, I run a relaxed ship" Shepard said easily "I just came to see if you needed anything".

"Sorry, and…er…no" Traynor said hastily "Communications are at full capacity. All FTL-Comm channels available. Electronic interference locked down. Comms station is battle ready." She fired off rapidly, as if under inspection.

Something's bothering her then "Traynor, this isn't an inspection, and you knew that already." He said calmly "What's on your mind?"

She paused, a nervous look on her face "…Permission to speak freely sir…"

"Granted."

"I monitor communications to and from this ship, it's my job. While I don't know exactly what Admiral Hackett told you, other sources of data all point to one fact."

"Go on."

"That once we attack Cerberus, that's it. There's no going back. We will have tipped our hand, and shall have to press the advantage against the Reapers on Earth."

"And…?" Shepard had a feeling he knew where this was going.

Again, she hesitated, looking down at her feet. She took a breath, and mustered up the courage to speak "And I don't know if I will be coming back, or if we will win. For all I know these are my last moments to spare a thought to anything." Traynor felt as if she had un-corked something inside her, it all came gushing out "I haven't spoken to my sister in over five years, she is alive, checked. We didn't get on very well after I got a scholarship and she didn't." She paused.

"What I am trying to say is…" A vulnerable look crossed her face "If these are to be my last hours in this world, I want to patch things up with her. But I don't know if she will even want to think about talking to me. If we lose, that will be the one thing I regret the most... n-not that I am saying we will lose, Commander, I…er… just wanted to make sure."

Ahhh, I see the problem Shepard thought She needs to know that she can fly off into battle without regrets. She also needs to know that her passing won't cause any.

"The beauty of human nature is in its capacity to love family." Said Shepard "Your sister was jealous of your brains, correct?" Traynor nodded "Send her a message saying that this may be your last chance to talk, and that you regret the distance that came between you. Then ask her to call you so you can talk. She'll call you, and then you can patch things up." He stated, as if it was obvious.

"But how do you know she will?"

Shepard smiled "She's family Traynor."

Shepard turned round and walked to the elevator. He didn't need to hear her response to know what she was going to do. He hit the button for deck 1. She's family Traynor.

…

Family…

Shepard was sitting at his desk staring blankly at the fleet reports. Tali's shift in engineering didn't end for another half an hour, give Shepard time to brood. That conversation with Traynor had made him think. I haven't talked to Mom since that phone call after the Party and before that not since her tirade at me for not telling her I was alive when I was relieved of duty. Shepard chuckled at the memory.

Hannah had very nearly made him deaf in one ear once she received a confirmed report from the Alliance that he was alive and in custody. She doesn't even know about Tali yet, THAT will be an interesting conversation. He could picture it now, 'Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend?!', 'My boy has all grown up', 'You should write more, I worry'.

Yes, I should write to her while I have the chance.

…

The elevator doors opened for Tali. She was finally done in engineering, and feeling anxious. She had better things to do than stand at a console when this could be her final night. Her final chance to be with the man she loved, to feel his lips against hers, to lie there and listen to his heartbeat before it stopped…

Don't think like that She mentally smacked herself If anyone can get through this, He can. Besides, you would die to make sure of that…

The thoughts swirling around her head compounded to her already sombre mood as the door to the cabin opened. She looked around the cabin, bathed in a dim blue light from the aquarium and the light of the mass effect field coming down from the skylight. She saw Shepard with his feet up on a desk, his model of the SR-2 in one hand, a datapad in the other, staring contemplatively at the model. He turned at the sound of the cabin door opening and saw her; a warm, thoughtful look came into his emerald eyes.

"Hey." he greeted

"Hey."

He took his feet off the desk, and opened his arms for a hug. She gladly sat down on his oh-so-comfortable lap and embraced him. She turned, rested her faceplate against his forehead and sighed contentedly. He did the same. They stayed there for several seconds.

"How's engineering?" He asked

"Good, everything's running smoothly, and the crew are turning in for the night." She replied

After several seconds of just holding her Shepard said "I missed you today." He squeezed her then, and planted a kiss on her visor. Tali gladly reciprocated the embrace, a contented hum going through her body.

"I missed you too". Something was on his mind, she could tell. She would ask later but right now she wanted to take their minds off the stress of the war, and just spend a few moments alone together with nothing else mattering.

"Come on" She said as she pulled him over to the sofa on the level below. He put his model down, and took the datapad with him. As he sat down, he pulled Tali onto his lap. She gladly obliged, it was her favourite place to be. As Shepard wrapped his arms around her, she started running her fingers through his shortish-dark-hair. It was longer than a buzz-cut, but well above his eyes, Perfect for running her fingers through.

"What's this?" She asked, turning to the datapad in his hand.

"Hm… what, this?" he replied, distracted "Just a…loose end I was tying up while I get the chance, make sure I was focused when the time comes" he said vaguely

Tali took the datapad from his hand and started to read it. "This is a message to your mother Shepard." She said, her question implied in her tone.

"I haven't contacted my mother since the after the party at the Citadel" a small smile came onto his face, as did Tali's. It was a fond memory for both of them. "Go ahead, read it."

…

Mom

I'm sorry it's been awhile. As you can imagine, I have been busy with the War Effort and the Reapers We didn't really talk that much during the phone call, and I wanted to say a few things while I still have the chance.

I haven't told you a lot about what went on during the last three years. You've probably heard a lot from the press and the extra-net, but don't believe half of what they say. I'll tell you about what happened.

The beacon on Eden Prime still gives me nightmares from the visions it gave me. I saw an entire civilisation burn, and the horror of that has scarred my soul for the rest of my days. During the Saren Campaign I fought an endless army of soulless, merciless, machines. I spoke to Sovereign, and knew the face of evil watched as my visions gradually became reality. I even sacrificed one of my friends to try and stop Saren and the Reapers.

Then I died, I became a stranger to everything. I was revived by one of my most hated enemies, I saw people I once counted as friends become distrustful of me, and I seemed to be preparing for my own demise through the Omega-4 relay.

During this war I have seen more slaughter and destruction than 10,000 Elysiums. I saw the Homeworld of the human race burn, while I fled to beg at the feet of the people who denied my claims for years.

Yet, despite all that, I would do it again. The things I have done, the things I have seen, are some of the best experiences of my life. I have made a new family, both the old Normandy and the New, and they are some of the best people I have ever met. My best friend has stuck with me through the thick and thin, keeping me sane and making me laugh. We have helped each other out through some dark times, and I consider him my Brother.

But above all else, and something I have been meaning to tell you, there was another who stood by me. I have met the Woman I Love. Her name is Tali. She is a brilliantly intelligent and beautiful engineer. She has stood by me along with Garrus since day one. She is my closest friend, my confident, my partner, and I will love her till the day I die. I think you will like her.

I hope this reaches you, and makes you happy. I wish we could have talked face to face, but this will have to do.

Love

John

…

As Tali finished reading the message she was openly sobbing. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever read.

Keelah! , I love him! Tali was screaming inside her head And he loves me back!

She wanted to dance with joy and scream happily at the top of her lungs that he was Commander Shepard and SHE was the woman he loved. Instead she settled for throwing her arms around his neck and nearly squeezing the life out of him, all the while laughing with joy.

"Tali…need…air" She released his neck, still half-crying, half-laughing. Shepard laughed at her exuberance.

"Did you really mean that?" She inquired

Shepard paused, a serious look coming across his face, and looked Tali right in the eye so that she would have no doubt.

"I love you, Tali. With all my heart."

Tali's heart sang for joy. Her knees grew weak, and if she hadn't already been sitting on him she might have stumbled. Her stomach was doing flips and her insides felt like they had melted. She was as happy as she had ever been. Tali looked him in the eye, her love shining through her eyes so clearly that it couldn't have been clearer to Shepard if someone had stuck a sticker on her forehead saying 'Crazy in Love'

"I love you too Shepard. So much. Always have, always will."

The smile on Shepard's face would have given the Cheshire cat a run for its money, and he could see the grin through Tali's mask. She rested her visor on his forehead again in a 'quarian kiss'. They stayed that way for several minutes, content just to hold each other and stare into the other persons eyes, and let the rest of the world fade away.

Then a random, floating thought entered Tali's mind.

"KEEHLAH!" She exclaimed

"What?!" he responded, alarmed

"You didn't tell your mother about me before now?!" she asked franticly

"Didn't get the chance to" he replied nonchalantly

"Keelah, she's going to find out her only son has a girlfriend on the eve of battle." She started babbling and wringing her hands before he could say anything "She'll think that we've only come together as a stress release before the eve of battle."

"Tali-" he tried to interrupt

"She'll think that I am just some cheap hraa'xi that has capitalised on stress-"

"Tali-"

"- and that I only lust after your looks and fame" She paused and gasped, a horrified look on her face, and continued before he could stop her.

"She doesn't even know I'm quarian! Keelah! She's going to hate me and-"

"Tali STOP!" Shepard interrupted softly but forcefully.

She immediately became quiet. Shepard stilled her hands with his. He had seen her on the verge of tears, and decided to calm her down. In a calm voice he spoke.

"Tali, calm down. My mother has never been particularly hateful towards other races, if she didn't like someone who wasn't human, it was because she didn't like them as a person. She has always been an excellent judge of character." He could see his words were getting through but that she was still worried.

"As for my motives, I might not have seen her that often during my military career, but she knows me almost as well as you do. She knows I would not have entered into this lightly, and that I do not bandy around the word 'Love' like some meaningless trinket to give on a first date. I love you, she will know this, and she will love any person that had captured my heart."

Tali gazed upon his face, and saw only the truth there. The fear that had gripped her heart earlier faded away.

"I'm sorry, it's just… I want her to approve of me." She smiled sheepishly

"She will Tali." He reassured.

"Thank you, it means a lot me. I know how much you love her, the way you talk about her fondly. It would… hurt you as much as me if she didn't approve. I don't want to see in that much pain." She stroked his face sadly. He gave her a hug.

"It will be fine, my love." He murmured softly into the side of her helmet

Her insides did a jig and a shiver of pleasure went down her spin at those words. It was the most wonderful thing she had ever heard, and she didn't think she would ever tire of hearing it.

"I love you" she murmured

"I love you too. I will for the rest of my life."

That reminded her of what tonight was. Tonight was possibly her last chance to show him. To show him that she loved him so much it almost hurt. Her heart was swelling up with emotion. Sadness at the reminder, happiness from his declaration, nerves from the thought of meeting his mother. It all swirled around in a maelstrom inside her, threatening to consume her. So she did the only thing she could think of.

She removed her mask with a short hiss. She looked into his emerald eyes, so fascinating and beautiful to her, with his own maelstrom apparent in his own. He must have thought the same thing.

"Show me" she whispered

So he did, all into the night.

…

…the flames consuming the child and the took no notice, a serene smile plastered onto his face…

Shepard awoke with a start. He reached to his left, looking for Tali. He saw her clicking her mask into place with a small hiss. She turned, the concern in her luminescent eyes plain as day.

"Hey." she said

"Hey" he replied, sitting up wearing nothing but skivvies. He turned away, rested his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands, and for all the world looked like a man who dreamt of Devils.

"How's your reaction?" he asked

"None. I've completely adapted to you, no reaction at all." She replied

"That's great." He said, genuinely but obviously preoccupied

Tali got to the point "What's bothering you? You seem preoccupied when I greeted you earlier." She said, concern bleeding from her voice.

"I'm fine Tali, don't worry" he lied

"Don't even try lying to me mister." She said curtly "I know you better than anyone else. Please, don't shut me out. Talk to me. It pains me to see you like this."

He sighed, paused, gathering his thoughts, and trying to construct his doubts and worries into a coherent form. He began slowly.

"In the past 6 months, we have done more to unite the galaxy than anyone else in the past 10,000 years. We cured the geneophage, and got the Turians and the Krogan to ally themselves together. We flew into the Perseus Veil without being shot down for the first time in 300 years, and within six hours of stepping on Rannoch, we made peace between the Quarians and the Geth. The Rachni, a race believed extinct and universally hated, have made amends and have integrated into galactic society, because of us." Tali heard how he used 'we' instead of 'I'. A mannerism that was just so, quintessentially, Him, that it made her smile. It was one of the things she loved about him.

"We got the Batarians to play nice and help Humanity for the first time since we entered the galactic stage. We got the 3 merc groups to unify under Omega, which is now helping Citadel space, Omega of all places! Hell, we even discovered a race more ancient than the Reapers, and we got them to help as well. We have done so much…" He fell silent, once again gathering his thoughts. Tali had a hunch as to the nature of his demons.

"You don't know if it will be enough." she said in a reassuring voice. "You've assembled the largest military force in history of the galaxy, making the history books practically once a week. You're doing the right thing, John, I know you are."

"I know, but we have lost so much already. I have watched friends die, because they believed in me, and that their sacrifice would be worth it, that it would mean something. Legion, on Rannoch, in his final moments, achieved individuality, and gave it up so his race could help against the Reapers. Mordin went to his death with a smile on his face on Tuchanka. Thane gave his life for someone he had never met, in order to stop a puppet of the Reapers. Hell, Ashley died so we could live to stop one Reaper. We have lost so much…" he trailed off.

"- you don't know if what's left will be worth it. I know, and whenever I feel that way, I reach for you." Tali stated simply, her belief, her love, in Shepard expressed so effectively in that statement.

Shepard smiled, that simple reassurance, that simple statement warmed his heart thoroughly. Her belief in him gave him the strength to move mountains. He turned to her, and laid a hand on her cheek.

"Thank you. I love you, so much." He gave her a kiss on the visor and stood up, ready to take on the world. She smiled under her visor I have no doubt now she thought he is ready for anything, and will win this for us.

"Whenever you need me."

…

A/N: PLEASE READ BELOW, I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY

Gentlemen and Gentleladys, that concludes my First FanFic

This story serves two purposes:

One, it is my testing the water of fanfiction, and I hope to gauge the quality of my writing on the responses I get.

Two, It is a prelude to an idea of a story I have had for a while, and I am hoping in any reviews that you can tell me whether you would want to see that. It would be a full-length, Tali-Shepard focused story.

I request that if you find this awful, and you must criticize it, that you can be helpful about it, and perhaps give a few suggestions as to improving it. Reviews such 'Too rushed' and 'Not great' are equally as unhelpful as 'GAAAAAAYYYYY' and 'u suc, WTF u doin on fan1c, lololololol, fight me irl'.

Thank you for reading my story. I bid you all, good day *doffs non-existent hat

The Gentlemen Without a Hat