Chapter Eighty

"I'm not a cynic, oh, today's just not my day

I've tried to spin it 'bout a thousand different ways

But from every angle, oh, the outlook is the same

I swear that I'm not a cynic

My glass just has no water in it today"

– I'm Not A Cynic [Alec Benjamin]

Getting up was a struggle on the best of days. Tony's head hurt and his body ached in weird ways. His magic felt more sluggish than usual and Tony frowned as he prodded at it. It practically rolled over and flashed its belly, unable to do anything else. That probably wasn't good.

'You're awake.'

Tony looked up. Bruce was sitting in an armchair by the bed, a cup of tea on the table between them.

'Bruce,' Tony said.

'Welcome home,' Bruce replied.

Tony felt his eyes well up. Fuck. Fuck.

'Tony?'

'I'm sorry,' Tony said. It came out a whisper, Tony's voice shaky. 'Fuck, Bruce, I'm so sorry.'

Bruce didn't say anything, but he clearly knew what Tony was talking about; his eyes were understanding, and Tony hated it.

'It's all my fault,' Tony said.

'Not everything,' Bruce retorted. 'I don't blame you for global warming.'

Tony laughed slightly and then sniffed. 'You were in there for two weeks.'

Bruce sobered ever so slightly. 'Yeah,' he agreed, 'I was.'

'It was my fault,' Tony repeated. Bruce said nothing this time. 'I was so caught up in myself… I know I'm a narcissist, but fuck.' He didn't know how to apologise properly; didn't know what he could say or do to make up for Bruce being caged like a damn animal for two weeks.

No, longer then that. He was in there for two weeks before Tony was caught. And fuck, how long had Tony been in there?

Bruce just remained silent, eyes on Tony and lips pursed.

'I've been a real shitty friend,' Tony said.

'Yeah, you have.' Tony blinked rapidly at the words and Bruce smiled. 'I'm not gonna pretend I wasn't… hurt, by you forgetting I existed. But I don't hate you, Tony.'

'You should,' Tony said, 'you all should.'

'All of us?'

Tony nodded. 'I mean fuck, Bruce, just look at Loki!' Bruce grimaced; he'd clearly seen Loki's sorry state while Tony was unconscious. 'I did that. I abandoned you and Loki and for what?'

'To stroke your own ego,' Bruce said.

Tony laughed and it sounded too wet to his ears. He felt a hand on his arm and jolted. Behind him Loki mumbled in his sleep.

'I don't hate you, Tony,' Bruce reiterated, squeezing his arm, 'and I know you'll make it up to me. Right now, I want you to get better.'

'I will,' Tony promised, 'and then I'll buy you whatever the fuck you want, okay? You're family, and-'

'Oh,' Bruce said. His eyes had widened, and Tony frowned.

'What?'

Lips twitching up ever so slightly, Bruce leaned back. 'Family, huh?'

Tony ran through his words again. Oh. Well then. 'Yeah,' he said. 'Family.' He glared at Bruce. 'Don't try to deny it, alright? I'll adopt you if I have to.'

Bruce snorted a laugh and pressed a hand to his mouth to try and smother it. 'I'm… older than… you,' he got out between the giggles.

Tony grinned. 'Don't make me adopt you, Bruce.'

'I'm glad that you two have made up,' Loki drawled from behind Tony, 'but I have no wish to be a father, and I'm currently trying to sleep.' His voice was hoarse, and Tony wanted to turn around and press kisses all over his face.

But despite his words Loki was sitting up, clearly awake and just a bit amused.

'How are you feeling?' he asked.

Tony melted at the soft tone he used. 'Yeah,' he mumbled, 'm'good.'

'Hungry?' Loki asked.

Tony wasn't, but Bruce cleared his throat and stood. 'You both need to eat something. I made stew.'

Loki was already on his feet, leaving a Loki-shaped hole in the bed behind Tony. Tony missed him immediately and made grabby hands as Loki rounded the bed. His hands were already cool, but Tony wrapped his fingers around them and gave Loki's knuckles a kiss.

Tony stumbled as soon as he was standing, feet unable to hold up his own weight. But Loki was there, catching Tony easily and letting Tony lean against him. And Bruce was there too, giving Tony a pat on the shoulder before going to open the door.

Tony kissed Loki's chest. 'Love you,' he murmured.

'And I adore you,' Loki responded.

…

Clint's fingers curled into fists. He wasn't sure if he should scream or laugh. The rain had calmed, so that was something, he supposed. Clint reached up to wipe his face down. A fine mist spread out around him and Thor, and clouds still hung thick and heavy above them. The sign on Stark's Tower was beginning to look eerie in the haze.

'I can sense magic,' Clint muttered. He sounded incredulous to his own ears.

'Aye,' Thor said.

Clint nodded. 'Right. Of course, I can. Why not?'

'It is not usual,' Thor tried, as though that would make Clint feel better.

Clint stared at him. 'You fucking think?'

'Let me explain,' Thor said, and did so when Clint waved a hand at him, head still trying to process what Thor had told him. 'The mind stone connected you to Loki and to the Tesseract,' Thor said. 'I am not sure which stone has changed you, only that a change has occurred.'

'What change?' Clint asked. 'What the hell… humans can't sense magic.'

'Can't they?' Thor countered. 'Doctor Strange said he was capable of it.'

Clint's eyes narrowed. 'I'm not a fucking sorcerer, Thor!' he snapped. 'I'm just… I'm a fucking archer! I'm a marksman! I was hired to shoot things, not sense fucking magic.'

'I am sorry-'

'STOP APOLOGISING!' Clint shouted.

Thor pursed his lips at that, hands curling into fists and eyes wandering over Clint's face. Clint shook his head and scrubbed at his face again. His skin felt cool to the touch, but his head was beginning to hurt.

'Your head aches because you can sense magic,' Thor interrupted his thoughts. Clint sighed and gave up resisting; he reached up to massage his temples. 'Your mind can sense magic but doesn't understand what it is. Your mind trying to process what you can now sense is what ails you.'

'Well that's just great,' Clint mumbled.

Thor ignored the comment. He crossed the distance between them and reached out to gently grip Clint's shoulder. 'I am sorry,' he murmured. 'No Midgardian should be subjected to this. Your body is not equipped for this kind of talent. All it's doing is hurting you.'

'Can you make it stop?' Clint asked. His voice was a whisper, the words sounding weak and childlike. Clint swallowed against the well of emotion trying to break out.

'I can try,' Thor said. 'I will teach you everything I know, and we can hope that it is enough to shield you from the side effects. But I am not talented in magic, Clint. I am unsure if what I can teach you will help at all. I do not know if there will be more side effects as your ability to sense magic grows stronger.'

Clint just nodded, not trusting his voice. He was sure that he'd break down if he had to actually address Thor properly. Thankfully, Thor let him be. The demigod turned his back on Clint, let the agent compose himself to the best of his ability.

When Clint felt like he'd patched himself together, he crossed the roof to stand at Thor's side. Thor was staring at Stark Tower, eyes troubled and hands limp at his sides.

'What's stopping you from storming in there and taking them?' Clint asked.

Thor huffed a laugh; his face was clouded. 'Loki and Stark will be weak, that is true,' he admitted. 'But I cannot take them both on by myself. And they have Banner; Rhodes; Strange.' Thor shook his head. 'Stark broke the cuffs my father gave me for Loki. I will have to visit Asgard to retrieve more.'

'And they don't work on Stark,' Clint commented.

'They do not,' Thor agreed. 'Loki will teach Stark how to more effectively break them, I am sure. A new set will need to be crafted for Stark. And…'

He trailed off and Clint looked up at him. Thor's brow was furrowed, thoughts racing behind his blue eyes. It was a look that was becoming common place on Thor's once carefree face. What a team they made, Clint thought with a snort; the depressed so-called heroes.

'My father must be informed of Loki and Stark's status as bond-mates,' Thor finally finished. 'It changes everything.'

'And you have to tell Fury,' Clint said. Thor's large shoulders drooped that little bit more. Clint nudged him ever so slightly. 'Don't worry, big guy,' he muttered, 'I'm not worth much but I'm on your side.'

The smile Thor gave him was blinding. Clint blinked against it. 'Thank you, my friend,' Thor said. 'And I will do everything within my power to help you.'

Right. Because Clint's brain could sense magic. Fucking great.

…

Tony struggled down the stairs and froze mid-step halfway across the living room. He turned to survey the floor-to-ceiling windows, stared through the glass at the black clouds that hung heavy in the sky. Bruce's view of the New York City skyline was hampered somewhat by the helipad overhead, but it was still quite a view. There was a niggle at the back of Tony's head, an itch he couldn't scratch.

'Tony?'

Tony snapped out of it and turned to smile at Loki. 'I'm fine,' he said, 'just missed the view.'

Loki didn't look completely convinced but let it go. Tony continued his pathetic shuffle into the kitchen. He firmly told himself to cut the crap and get his act together; he was gonna eat, he was gonna get better, and he was gonna slaughter every SHIELD agent for even daring to live on the same planet as him.

That resolve crumbled as soon as he stepped into the kitchen. His knees weakened but Loki caught him before he could fall flat on his face.

'Rhodey?'

The colonel was leaning against the counter, a mug of dark liquid held firmly between his hands. He shot up at their entrance and grinned widely. 'Hey, Tony.'

Loki sat Tony at the table. 'Banner, I know you're dying to scold me and my eating habits,' Loki said.

'Uh…' was Bruce's helpful contribution. Tony was mildly aware of Loki grabbing Bruce and dragging him from the room; how, he didn't know. They were behind him, and Tony's magic was a pathetic little thing, so how the fuck-

'How you feeling?'

Right. Rhodes. Here, in Bruce's kitchen.

'Fine,' Tony said. Rhodes could clearly tell that Tony was bullshitting but didn't call him on it. He sat in the seat opposite Tony and smiled at him.

'It's good to see you up,' Rhodes said, 'you scared the hell outta all of us, man.'

He did? Tony frowned. He… honestly had no idea what the fuck was going on. He felt something in his chest burn ever so slightly. His magic pulsed.

Rhodes glanced around the room, a frown on his face.

'How are you here?' Tony asked. Rhodes' attention snapped back to him. 'Loki's here,' Tony added.

'I'm aware,' Rhodes said. 'I know everything, Tony.'

'How?'

'Pepper,' Rhodes said.

Tony closed his eyes. That burn was a fire, now, and his magic seemed to have expanded as well.

'She told me SHIELD had caught you. You were working with Loki, you were killing SHIELD agents; you know, all your dirty little secrets.' He was smiling when Tony opened his eyes.

'And you believed her?' Tony said.

Rhodes tilted his head slightly, a frown forming. 'I didn't not believe her,' he tried. He sighed and leaned forward; hands clasped over the table. 'You've changed, Tone; anyone can see that. I knew there was something up with Logan.'

Tony jolted at that.

'Yeah,' Rhodes said at his reaction, 'I didn't know what was wrong with him, but I knew it was something. I've spent enough time in your orbit to know when people are bullshitting me. Every word outta Logan's mouth was bullshit. Well, except when he talked about how much he liked you.' He paused for a beat, fingers tapping against each other. 'So yeah, when Pepper called me, I gave it thought. Real thought. And then I came over to the Tower and found you gone and Logan looking like shit. I pulled a gun-'

Tony was on his feet in a second, a weight suddenly making the room feel too small. 'You shot him?!'

Rhodes tossed his hands up. 'The safety was on,' he said, 'and Loki kicked the crap outta me!'

The pressure disappeared and Tony sagged back into his seat, chest suddenly aching and mind spinning. 'Okay… okay.'

'He told me everything,' Rhodes continued, 'and I told him to shut his mouth and let me help.'

Tony's head jerked up.

'You're my best friend, Tony,' Rhodes said.

'What?' was all Tony could come up with.

'You think I was gonna leave you with SHIELD?'

'I… what?!' None of this made sense. Rhodes couldn't be here; he couldn't be sitting here, cool as a cucumber, apparently completely okay with what Tony was doing… with what Tony had become.

Tony's gaze flicked back up and he surveyed Rhodes carefully.

Rhodes shifted in his seat. 'Guess I gotta get used to that,' he said. Tony cocked his head. 'That look,' Rhodes muttered, 'like I said; you've changed.'

'I'm well aware of that,' Tony said, 'which makes me wonder why you're here.'

Rhodes frowned. 'You're my best friend,' he repeated.

'I'm a monster,' Tony retorted, 'don't delude yourself into thinking I'm anything else, James.' Rhodes swallowed at the use of his first name, Adam's apple bobbing and jaw twitching. 'There's a million ways I coulda gone about getting revenge on SHIELD.'

Nodding slowly, Rhodes asked, 'So why didn't you? Why decide to kill them all?'

Tony leaned back slowly. His chest was uncomfortably tight, but he was beginning to realise what it was. His own magic wasn't currently capable of reacting; Tony didn't have the strength to do anything with his magic.

But Loki? Loki had plenty of magic. Tony could practically taste it, even without Loki by his side. Tony had to get a hold of himself or he was going to snap and destroy something.

An image of Rhodes pressed up against a wall by the sheer force of Tony's will slipped into Tony's mind. Tony shook it free.

'Tone?'

'I was gonna drag their asses through every court in this country,' Tony said, 'that was the original plan; drag SHIELD through the mud and rip their entire fucking organisation apart. Then maybe I'd go after the Avengers; make sure none of them had anything left for retirement. I was gonna make sure the world hated them.

'It was all gonna be legal,' Tony continued, a laugh in his voice, 'I still thought I was a good guy, you know? Thought I'd be happy just legally killing SHIELD. But… I just kept getting angrier.'

Rhodes cleared his throat.

'I was so fucking… furious,' Tony growled. He felt a new heat sweep through him; it made his skin prickle and his skin feel too tight. 'How dare they steal from me,' he said, 'how dare they think they can touch my stuff. You know better than anyone, Rhodes; nobody wants Tony. They want the genius. The money. The technology. Not me.'

Rhodes nodded; there was understanding in his eyes.

'And SHIELD's the same; Romanov, Rogers, Fury.' Tony spat each of their names. Beneath his hand the table vibrated. 'They think they're better me. They think they have any right to my stuff. Every day I woke up from dreams of their blood on my hands. I tried to ignore it; pretended I wasn't a second away from fucking snapping… but then Loki turned up.'

Rhodes was silent, eyes on Tony as he spoke.

'Loki does… whatever the fuck he wants,' Tony said with a smile. 'Have you ever actually watched him, Rhodes?' He paused, waiting for a response.

Rhodes blinked rapidly. 'Uh…' He cleared his throat. 'Yeah,' he finally said, 'we've studied him-'

'Not studied,' Tony interrupted, 'have you ever just sat and watched Loki fight?' When Rhodes shook his head, Tony grinned. 'He's fucking amazing. Pure, utter chaos, but controlled chaos. Loki does whatever the hell he wants.' Tony shrugged a shoulder and started tracing patterns on the tabletop. 'I wanted to do that,' he murmured. 'It slipped into my waking thoughts during that fight. What if I just… killed SHIELD?'

He remembered it like it was yesterday; the first thought slipping in, taboo and against everything Tony had strived so hard to pretend to be. Heroes didn't think about killing people. They didn't feel a shiver of pleasure go down their spines at just the thought of killing a former comrade. They didn't dream of blood and death and flesh giving way beneath their hands.

'I couldn't stop it,' Tony whispered. 'Once I thought about it, it was all I could think about it. I went out of my way to watch old footage of Loki killing people. He was good at covering his tracks, you know? But we have footage and-'

Tony stopped, breath catching in his throat. He grinned and knew it was dark, knew that it was unsettling because Rhodes was shifting, clearly uncomfortable.

'Good guys don't get off on that,' Tony said. He stared Rhodes down, eyes bright. 'And I really get off on it.'

'I see,' Rhodes managed to say.

Tony's grin sharpened. He pressed his palm flat against the table and it went still beneath his skin. 'It was downhill from there,' he said. 'It wasn't enough to destroy SHIELD. I had to kill them.'

'All of them?'

'Every. Single. One,' Tony said, each word punctuated. 'Every guard, every agent, every fucking techie sitting in some base somewhere. I will kill each one of them before I go after Fury.'

'Why?' Rhodes asked. 'I get that you want revenge, Tony. But why all of them?'

'It's not about the agents, Rhodes,' Tony said, 'it's about what they represent. How can I set an example if I let some of them go?'

Rhodes gulped. 'No one will mess with you after this, huh? Is that it?' Tony just smiled. 'And you're showing Fury and his bosses what you're capable of,' Rhodes continued. 'Showing them exactly what you're going to do to them.'

'Exactly,' Tony said. 'It's not enough to cut the head off the empire; you have to pull it down brick by brick.' He stopped to shrug a shoulder. 'Besides, I'm having fun. Running around, hunting them down, it's just so damn entertaining. And what do they matter? At the end of the day, Rhodes; I just don't care.'

'Yeah,' Rhodes said. He looked sad. 'I got that.'

'You still my friend?' Tony asked, head cocked. 'Still my best buddy, huh?'

Rhodes snorted. 'You think I'm gonna run now?'

Tony paused at that. It didn't sound like Rhodes was lying. But the Avengers had proven that Tony wasn't the best judge of character when it came to the people closest to him.

'You want me to believe that you're okay with this?' Tony demanded. 'I'm a monster, Rhodes.'

'You always have been,' Rhodes said, his tone simple. Like it was a fact. 'You think I didn't see this coming, Tony? You've always been like this. You were just lying to yourself.'

Tony blinked. 'You said I've changed.'

'You're not hiding who you are,' Rhodes retorted. 'You're not trying to hold back anymore. You're not pretending to be Captain America.'

'But-'

'You never cared,' Rhodes cut in. 'You didn't build Iron Man to make up for all the people your weapons killed, Tony. You did it to punish the people who stole from you. I've always known what you are. You're not the kind of monster to go out and slaughter every person on the street. But you're not a hero.'

'I flew a nuke into a worm hole to save this fucking city,' Tony growled. He didn't know why he was arguing; why he wanted Rhodes to get up and leave. So he could be proven right? So he could know without a doubt that those closest to him didn't really love him?

''Cause it's your city,' Rhodes said, 'and how dare anyone else think they can take it away from you.'

Tony stared at him. His heart thudded heavily in his chest and his fingertips tingled with stolen power.

Rhodes smiled. 'You lied to yourself, Tony,' he said, 'but you can't lie to me. I know who you are. I remember you drinking yourself into a near coma when you were fifteen. I put you to bed and promised myself I'd have your back. You're family. That doesn't change because you're taking over the world.'

'Thought you were gonna kick my ass if I did?' Tony said.

Rhodes burst into laughter at that. 'Shit, I forgot about that,' he said. 'Damn, Romanov never hid her true feelings, huh?'

'Not when it came to me, no,' Tony said. 'So…'

'Family,' Rhodes reiterated. 'Nothing's changing that, Tony.'

'You can't be okay with this,' Tony argued.

'I'm not,' Rhodes said. His tone was absolutely honest. 'I don't approve of any of this. But I don't have to like it to have your back, Tony. I won't kill anyone for you, but you'd better believe that I'll manipulate the media for you. You're not going to prison on my watch.'

Tony breathed out heavily. 'This isn't happening,' he muttered.

Rhodes shrugged a shoulder. 'Believe what you want,' he said, 'but you're family, Tony. Family.'

Tony just started at him 'Might take me a while to believe it,' he admitted.

Rhodey smiled. 'I've got the time,' he said.