This is a crackfic. All grammar mistakes are mine. Whoops. There will be some mild swearing (only two so far...) and general craziness. But it is a TV show about a cannibalistic serial killer, so I assume you're fairly mature, so on with the show! Enjoy. (Insert your preferred happy emoticon here)

FBI academy instructor Will Graham finished class and was surprised to see a vaguely familiar person enter his emptying classroom.

"Hey, Will Graham, it's Jack Crawford," he announced. "So there's this serial killer up in Minnesota, and I want to catch him."

Will nodded. "Right."

"So, you know that thing you do that helps you catch serial killers but makes you extremely unstable?" Jack asked.

"Yeah..." Will said suspiciously.

"You want to go do it?"

"...Fuck..." Will said. "I guess so, but only if you pay me in stray dogs."

Jack nodded. "We were gonna pay you in layers of gum, but that sounds cheaper."

Alana Bloom and Jack Crawford walked down the paths of the FBI academy.

"So... do you want to sleep with Graham or what?" Jack finally asked, giving in to curiosity.

"Jack!" said Alana, looking deeply offended. "I'm his friend... who also kind maybe want to screw him."

"Mmm..." Jack said sagely.

"So, he's going back into the field, huh?" Alana brooded.

"Mmm..." Jack further said, his tone wise and inattentive.

"Jack, don't let him go batshit crazy and start murdering people, okay?"

"Lol, no, of course not, he'll stay completely sane and stable," Jack promised. "Know any psychiatrists for unstable FBI teachers turned special agents on a completely and totally, without a doubt, unrelated note, Alana?"

Alana looked thoughtful.

"Hmm... well I do know someone who might work. Dr. Hannibal Lecter."

"His name rhymes with cannibal," observed Jack intelligently.

Alana frowned suddenly.

"Weren't you white in the Silence of the Lambs?" she asked curiously.

"Uh..."

Hannibal watched Franklyn sob with clinical detachment.

"Please doctor," he choked out.

Hannibal waited a few seconds, reveling in Franklyn's sorrow before reluctantly handing him a box of tissues. He blew his nose obnoxiously, then set the dirtied tissue on the glass table.

Hannibal promptly decided to murder Franklyn.

"I hate being this neurotic," Franklyn sobbed.

"I hate America's fascist anti-cannibalism laws, but you don't hear me complaining," Hannibal muttered.

"What?" Franklyn asked.

"What?" Hannibal asked.

They continued the session.

Jack Crawford was waiting outside. As Franklyn emerged from his session Jack immediately shook his hand.

"Doctor Cannib- I mean Hannibal Lecter, Jack Crawford, FB- Wait... you're far too fat to be a psychiatrist!"

"Weren't you white in the Silence of the Lambs?" asked Franklyn, confused.

"I'm Canni- HANNIBAL Lecter," interrupted Hannibal, interrupting the two as he emerged from his office.

"Right, shoo," Jack said to Franklyn, who left, still confused.

"Do you have an appointment?" asked Hannibal, straightening his already straight suit.

"THIS is my appointment!" exclaimed Jack, displaying his FBI badge, all but shoving it down Hannibal's throat.

"Ah. Before you arrest me I'd like to point out that it'll be very difficult for you to arrest a DEAD MAN!" Hannibal yelled, running for the door.

"Wait! We just need your help with an agent!" Jack called.

"Oh," Hannibal said, clearing his throat, embarrassed. "So this isn't about me being the Chesapeake Ripper?"

"What?" asked Jack.

"What? Come right in," Hannibal said.

"What lovely drawings," Jack remarked to Hannibal as the two walked over to his desk.

"Don't look at the one below it," Hannibal told him.

Jack nodded. "Of course not. It definitely doesn't implicate you as the Chesapeake Ripper, right, because that would be a problem."

"This one is of my boarding school in France," Hannibal interrupted loudly, covering up the other drawing quickly.

"Oh, you're French?" asked Jack.

"No, I'm Lithuanian."

Jack frowned. "You have a Danish accent."

Hannibal shrugged. "Have you ever heard a Lithuanian accent?"

Jack made a face.

"That's what I thought," Hannibal said.

Jack cleared his throat. "Um, so I've got this guy named Will Graham, and he's really unstable, so I was wondering if you could maybe help me make him even more unstable- I mean help him. Help him."

"Can I eat him when we're done?" Hannibal asked.

"What?" asked Jack.

"I'd love to."

"Well, since I automatically trust you implicitly for no reason at all, let's go!" Jack exclaimed.

Hannibal wondered if Jack Crawford was stupid.

Reviews are greatly appreciated. More to come soon. Bon apetite!

SmaugWearsaScarf