CHAPTER 5 – If you love me, won't you let me know?

It was almost impossible, bordering on painful, to get used to silence. Shepard had gotten so used to flashing buttons and someone who wanted him to deal with something all the time, and private time was hard to find. He swirled a drink in a glass, staring at the amber liquid. He knew that Kaidan had wanted to go back to English Bay and get married. That was his dream. Shepard looked down at his bare ring finger. He had run out of excuses, and why not? Why not get married? Why not promise forever to the man he loved? Because Shepard knew that all he was good at was war. He was a horrible homemaker, he had never had a real home. Closing his eyes, he melted back into the chair. He had cheated death twice – and was more struggle really what he wanted? He and Kaidan had spent days just being in each other's company, and when Kaidan had found an abandoned apartment in San Antonio that was livable, they had gone there. There was no need for Shepard to stay at the hospital if he was not hooked up to machines. Now it was mainly a question of gaining weight and doing exercise to get some muscle mass back. He was just happy that Kaidan was here, that they made it against all odds. Shepard smiled to himself. He had missed Kaidan's presence. It always calmed him and gave him the extra kick he needed to push through things he thought were impossible. He had gone through a lot of crazy things to have a future with Kaidan. And now that it was here, he didn't know what to do with it. Or rather, maybe he did.

"John?" Kaidan rubbed his eyes, and sat up in the bed, scratching his side. "Something wrong?"

"Not at all," Shepard said, turning around in the chair, looking at Kaidan. "Go back to sleep."

Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes and groan. Wrapping the blanket around himself, he got out of bed, and came over to Shepard. "You only drink when you worry." He took the glass out of Shepard's hand and sniffed it. "Whiskey? Bad, huh?"

"It's all there was." Shepard said, pulling Kaidan down in his lap. "But you're right, I was thinking about something." He caressed Kaidan's cheek. "I know how you want to go home, and start some kind of family, just you and me. The thing is that I have to return to London."

"What?" Kaidan frowned, "Why? Haven't you done enough for humanity?"

"Shit Kaidan, I don't expect that you understand, but I -want- to return. I can't just sit on my ass and get old and fat. However appealing it might sound," Shepard said with a tiny smile, trying not to object to Kaidan brushing his hand away.

Kaidan sat in silent anger for a moment and then sighed and nodded. "All right, then we go to London."

Shepard reached up again and ran a thumb over Kaidan's lower lip. "No we're not," he said softly. "I am going alone."

"What?"

"You don't want to be in the army, you only ever joined the Normandy a second time because of me, you said so yourself," Shepard said. "I can't make you choose that life for yourself, just because of me." He pulled Kaidan down for a kiss. "What about all those things you dream of?"

"I don't care," Kaidan whispered back, with fierce determination.

Shepard gazed lovingly at Kaidan. "You talk in your sleep, you know that, right?"

"No?"

"Jimmy, huh?" Shepard said softly, not prepared for Kaidan, who literally jumped off his lap.

"Jesus…" Kaidan whispered, "It's not what you think, it's just…" He walked over to the kitchen unit and poured himself a drink too. Maybe it really was time to be honest? "I didn't know if you were gonna wake, none of us did… and it just happened." He sighed and took a deep sip of his drink. "I had planned to tell you eventually. I just thought it was a little much to lay on you when you just woke from a coma, and I know that James worried that you wouldn't trust him again."

"You don't have to apologize," Shepard said, studying Kaidan from the other end of the room. "Life is precious, I know."

Sitting in the car, driving from San Antonio back to San Bernardino, wondering if Shepard would have a good flight to England. This, this felt right, not just right because it was supposed to be right, but right down into the core of his soul. He had felt a sting of sadness as he had waved at Shepard when he had boarded the plane. Shepard was right, and Kaidan wasn't sure what was the biggest miracle, that he had survived the blast or that he woke up with a new insight. Maybe a couple of those politicians could do with a little near death experience, if you woke up from them as a changed man.

It was not that he didn't love Shepard, he always would. But he wanted something completely different with what was left of his time, and Kaidan would have followed him to London and would have been miserable. Strange as it seemed, it really didn't hurt to let him go, because they let each other go somehow. The realisation that the fantasy that they had, was something they had needed in a time of war, but now that there were no more battles to be fought, they had to find out what to do with themselves. Shepard wanted to rebuild London, and put in his effort where it was needed the most. And Kaidan just wanted to drink Mexican beer on the beach, camping out in the warm nights under the stars.

He wondered how he could ever explain it to James in a way that made sense, that he had been in love with an idea more than anything. He'd had a rock solid idea of how his life was going to pan out, and had been so firm in his belief, that he had not seen that the cards had changed. He had not dared to admit just how much he had fallen in love with James, because he couldn't let go of the thought of Shepard, and once Shepard was there, he had not wanted to admit it. He should have seen it when he felt more guilty over James' sacrifice than happy that Shepard was awake. Talk about pigheaded. He laughed at himself, turning up the radio, flooring the pedal, just wanting to get there faster.

James had been at the base camp when a call came in. Puzzled, he put the supply crate down and looked at the name of the caller 'Major Kaidan Alenko, Earth' – He didn't know what was weirdest, that it still said what planet you hailed from, or that Kaidan would call him. Finally he pushed the accept call button, because what if it was important? What if something terrible had happened? "Alenko? Are you okay?" he asked, worried. And to his surprise Kaidan laughed on the other end.

"Never better," Kaidan said with a big smile. "I was thinking, you want one of these?" He held up a Mexican beer so James could see it.

"What?" James' eyebrows knitted in confusion. "I don't…"

"I couldn't get any Canadian ones." Kaidan shook his head in mock disappointment. "So are you gonna let me drink by myself?"

James just stood there with an open mouth and couldn't make head or tails of Kaidan. Until Kaidan turned 180, and James realised where he was. "Huntington Beach? What the… What are you doing there?" He calmed his excitement for a second, not really daring to believe it was what he thought it was. "Where's Shepard?"

"He should have landed in London about now," Kaidan said with a little smirk. "Get your ass down here soldier, before I drink all these beers myself."

James' face split in a shit-eating grin. "Yes Sir!" He saluted Kaidan's image before the link went dead. James just let the crates be crates, and sprinted out of the base camp, almost backing the Jeep into the fence as he drove out. A million thoughts were flying through his head. Why was Kaidan here? What the fuck was actually going on? He wanted to believe it was what it seemed, but he was just too afraid to. Thirty minutes later, James tumbled ungracefully out over the side of the Jeep, and landed on the boardwalk. He could see someone sitting down by the water's edge, and yelled, "Kaidan!"

Kaidan turned around and waved, "Hey!"

James wanted to be calm, but he couldn't, not just a little bit. Stumbling as he ran in the sand, he was panting hard as he made it to where Kaidan sat. Leaning forward, hands on his knees, he tried to catch his breath. "Beer," he managed to say.

Kaidan handed him a beer, and watched as James unceremoniously sat down in the sand.

"So…" James said, still a little out of breath, opening his beer.

"I had it all figured out on my drive here, but now I don't remember what it was I wanted to say." Kaidan laughed a little awkwardly. "So here goes nothing." He licked his lips. "I was – I am – Could you? – Oh…"

"I heard about your abilities as a diplomat, I just never believed them until now," James teased, pushing Kaidan's shoulder lightly.

Kaidan blushed, and leaned in against James. "I love you," he managed, not knowing how else to say what he really wanted to say.

James couldn't have been more surprised even if he had tried. "Come again?"

"I – "

"But I thought that…" James cut Kaidan off, trying to make sense of this.

Kaidan smiled happily. "So did I, but I was wrong." He reached up and rested his hand against James' cheek, which leaned into the touch. "I'm here to stay, if you want me to." He knew he could have said all that more eloquently, but as he studied James' puzzled and slightly guarded expression, they were the only words that came to him. Apparently James didn't need fancy words, either, because the smile that broke on his face could melt the sun.

"Seriously?"

Kaidan lifted a brow in amusement. "No, I just drove all the way here to tell you that I love you – just for shits and giggles. Of course I'm serious, you idiot."

James' smile wouldn't go down. He closed his eyes and placed a hand on top of Kaidan's on his cheek. "Guess I have to tell my new hot stripper roommate to move out," he chuckled.

"You better, unless you want me to blast him to tiny particles," Kaidan joined the chuckle, completely unprepared for when James pounced him, knocking over both their beers, too, letting them run out in the sand.

James pinned Kaidan down and kissed him softly. "Welcome home," he whispered.

Kaidan wrapped his arms around James' neck. "Guess I have to get used to beans and Mexican beer, huh?"

"Damn right."

"James?" Kaidan asked seriously, looking up at James' face above him. "What I did to you was cruel. Why are you forgiving me so fast?"

"You expected me to have a grudge or something?" James said softly. "I thought I told you, I understood your choice just fine."

"I wish you would have fought for it," Kaidan said half-jokingly.

James smiled. "What? You wanted me to deck out a crippled man in a hospital bed? That would have been pretty."

"Not like that, you moron." Kaidan laughed at the mental image and pushed James to the side, rolling them around so Kaidan was on top. "You were just really fast to just accept that I stepped on you, why was that?"

"Because I cannot compete with Shepard," James said bluntly.

"Well, you just did, and it's not him that I'm with now; it's you," Kaidan whispered with a little smirk, kissing the corner of James' lips.

"I'm not even gonna ask," James said.

"It's quite easy really. Apparently I talk in my sleep." Kaidan blushed and laughed a little. "And what I had to say about you was pretty steamy."

James sucked in his breath. "Really?"

"Really," Kaidan said with a knowing grin, pushing James' knees apart with his own, getting comfortable between his legs. There was no need for James to know the rest just now. All that mattered was that they were finally together, exactly where they belonged.

-fin-