Need You Now, a law and order: svu fanfic

I've been listening to Lady Antebellum's album Golden a lot lately and while a lot of their songs give me Bensidy feels, this is the first one I've turned into a story. Hope you like it. I'm also working on more chapters for my Christmas Blues story. Let me know if you want me to post them even though it's not Christmas time anymore. Please review and let me know what you think. And I do not own the lyrics to Need You Now (they belong to Lady Antebellum) or the characters (sadly they are Dick Wolf's).

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause,
I can't fight it anymore.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Olivia sat in the middle of the living room floor, tears streaming down her face, her body shuddering with the magnitude of her sobs. Every so often she would take a huge gasp of air before dissolving into another round of what felt like endless tears. She had been this way for at least an hour and there was no calming herself down. How could he have walked out like that? Did he really mean what he said? Olivia wasn't even sure if she had meant what she said. But nonetheless the words from their heated exchange kept playing over and over in her head as if they were on a continuous loop.

Brian entered their apartment as quietly as he could, gently closing the door behind him. It was almost midnight and he knew Olivia and their house guest were probably both already in bed for the night. Or at least he hoped they were. He wasn't up for another round of fake pleasantries with Amaro after the long day he'd had. He wasn't even sure he was up for the hostility he was sure to get from Olivia after he'd once again skipped out on their evening plans because of work.

At least she had her buddy Nick to keep her company, he thought with a cynical sneer. He immediately regretted the thought and gave his head a shake as if to rid it of the offending words. He might not trust Amaro but there was no way Olivia would ever be unfaithful to him and he knew it.

The sheer exhaustion of the day hanging on his shoulders, he shuffled down the short hallway from the entryway to the living area, stopping only briefly to shrug off his jacket and hang it on a hook. He was surprised to see a lamp turned on, illuminating the room. And instead of Nick's body sprawled out on their couch, Olivia was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, silently staring at him.

"Hey, babe," he said with a hesitant smile.

"Hey," she replied in a voice so soft he almost missed it.

"I'm surprised you waited up. I know it's late. I thought I'd be home earlier than this but then I got tied up finishing some paperwork."

Olivia just shrugged in response, her expression unreadable. Brian liked to pride himself on his ability to read her moods. To everyone else she was a bit of an enigma but after almost two years together he thought he had her pretty well figured out. Tonight though, the look on her face didn't display any of the emotions he expected her to be feeling-anger, hurt, sadness. Instead she almost appeared completely devoid of any feeling, which if he was honest with himself scared him more than the wrath of Olivia Benson.

When he realized he wasn't going to get any more of a response out of her he decided to try another tactic.

"I see our company finally went home," he continued nodding toward the pile of folded bedding sitting on the armchair. "It's about time."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she responded, a hint of fire creeping into her voice.

Not wanting to get into a fight with her, after they had barely had any time together the past few weeks, he decided to just drop it. "Nothing, it meant nothing. Just an observation." His hands were raised in mock surrender.

Deciding against pressing his luck with any further conversation, he headed toward the kitchen to get a glass of water before going to bed.

Olivia, however, was not ready to let it go. Her apathy from just seconds before was quickly replaced with a building fury. She got up from her spot on the couch and followed him into the kitchen. "No, really Brian. What did you mean? Are you implying that I should have left my friend and colleague sleep in his house where he was in danger of being shot at? Or maybe you're suggesting that you don't trust how I spent my time alone with him here?"

With his back to Olivia, Brian ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath before responding. "Liv, we're both tired. Let's not get into this now."

"Well when would you like to discuss it? You never get home before midnight anymore. If you even come home at all. Should we get out our calendars? Compare our days off. I think I might be free a week from Thursday from 5:15AM-5:25AM or maybe the following Tuesday from 10:00PM-10:15PM. Either of those times any good for you?" There was no disguising the anger in her voice at this point.

Brian slowly turned to face her, an incredulous look on his face. "You, the woman married to her job, are seriously going to complain to me about my long hours?" he spat back, the volume of his voice rising.

"Yeah, well at least when I'm at work you know what I'm doing. I'm not undercover doing God knows what," she retorted. "And I have the decency to call and tell you when I'm running late instead of leaving you sitting alone at the dinner table for hours."

"Oh sure, you call. But do you have any idea how many times you have stood me up because of a case or left me sitting alone at a restaurant because Amanda or your precious Nick found something that can't wait," he shouted. He had wanted to avoid this fight but now that Olivia had started it she was going to hear what he had to say.

"So, what? I'm supposed to quit my job so I can stay home and be a dutiful girlfriend that's available for you 24/7? And while I'm at it why don't I get rid of all my male friends too?"

"Yeah Liv, that's exactly what I said," he replied with a sarcastic sneer.

"Screw you Brian," she replied in any icy voice, as she turned to leave the kitchen. She had plenty more to say to him but she needed a minute to cool down before she said something she would regret.

Brian, however, had had enough. "You know, I guess I should have listened to my own warning from all those years ago," he growled as he stormed past her.

"And what warning was that?" She grabbed his arm as he walked by momentarily halting him in his tracks.

"That as long as you have your job at SVU any relationship you have will never be anything more than an affair." As soon as the words left his lips he wished he could take them back. He had struck a nerve and he knew it. He braced himself for the yelling that was to come.

But she didn't yell. She didn't cry or throw things. She didn't even storm out of the room, slamming doors as she went. She just released his arm, looked at him with her piercing brown eyes and said in an eerily soft voice, "Get the hell out of here. Now. And don't come back. Ever."

Of course she shouldn't have said it. And of course she didn't mean it. She had just been so hurt. She had devoted almost 2 years of her life to him, far longer than any other guy had ever got from her. She had fallen in love with him. And most importantly she trusted him which was an even bigger step than love for Olivia. But he still thought she valued her job more than she loved him.

A fresh round of tears started to fall from Olivia's eyes. If only fate hadn't brought them back together when SVU was working that escort service case. She never would have reconnected with Brian, never would have fallen in love with him, and never would have had her heart shattered into a million pieces. Being alone and feeling nothing had to be preferable to the hurt and pain she was experiencing at this very moment.

But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that whether she had wanted him to or not Brian had been holding onto a piece of her heart for the past 15 years, which is probably part of the reason why she could never fully commit herself to another man. Well, that, and no other man understood her job the way Brian did.

The tears briefly stopped flowing as Olivia contemplated that last thought. Brian got it. He knew what she witnessed day in and day out. He knew all the horrible evils she dealt with. He even knew most of the sordid details from her encounter with Lewis. And not once did he run. Not until she threw him out, that is. All because she couldn't give him the same respect and understand the demands of his job. A job that she had pushed him into taking because she didn't want to see him burn himself out working nights as a uni at the Bronx Court House.

What have I done, she thought. Olivia stood from her spot on the floor and frantically started searching for her discarded cell phone. She finally saw it wedged between the couch cushions. Carefully stepping over broken picture frames, casualties of her rage after Brian had followed her orders and exited the apartment, she made her way to the couch and picked up her phone. Her finger hesitated over Brian's name for a moment before hitting dial. After the way she had spoken to him, she wouldn't blame him if he didn't answer.

But she had to give it a try. She'd spend the rest of her life wallowing in regret if she let him get away. So burying her feelings of fear and pride she quickly pushed the dial button and held her breath as she put the phone up to her ear. It immediately went to voice mail.

"Well that figures," she mumbled to herself.

Olivia tried three more times with the same results before giving up. Putting the phone back in the pocket of her hoodie, she collapsed onto the couch, a few more stray tears making their way down her cheeks. It was already 1:15 in the morning. Where could he be? It wasn't like he had an apartment of his own anymore.

Out of options, Olivia decided she should just try to get a little sleep and hopefully in the morning when he had had a chance to calm down a little he would come back. She couldn't sleep in their bed without him though, so instead she curled up on the sofa under a throw blanket and let her sobbing lull her to sleep.

Another shot of whiskey,
Can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Brian sat at a bar a few blocks away from their apartment nursing his fourth drink. Or was it his fifth? He couldn't be sure anymore. The bartender was starting to look a little fuzzy. But his racing thoughts were still as clear as ever. He slowly clenched and unclenched his fist as he thought back on the events that had caused him to flee his apartment and wind up sitting on a barstool next to a man who clearly should have been cut off three drinks ago. Every time he replayed her final words in his mind it was like a knife being plunged deeper and deeper into his heart. He knew he was far from innocent though; he had goaded her into it, pushing her to her breaking point.

"You know, I guess I should have listened to my own warning from all those years ago," he growled as he stormed past her.

"And what warning was that?" She grabbed his arm as he walked by momentarily halting him in his tracks.

Her words hit Brian like a slap across the cheek. He paused for a moment, unsure of whether Olivia had actually meant what she said. But when no other words came from her lips and she continued to glare at him, he realized she wasn't going to take it back.

He opened his mouth as if to say something but changed his mind. Instead he reached for her in an effort to pull her into his embrace but she took a small step back before his fingers could reach her shoulders. The same steely gaze he had seen pasted on her face minutes before when he entered the apartment returned as she raised her arm and pointed him in the direction of the door, still refusing to utter another word.

Realizing he had lost this battle, and quite possibly the war as well, Brian made his way to the door stopping to grab his coat along the way. When he reached the door, he turned one last time to look at Olivia but her head was down, unwilling to make eye contact. So Brian did the only thing that he could think of that might make him feel a little better: he slammed the apartment down and headed down the block to the bar.

So here he sat, almost an hour later, trying his hardest to get drunk and just forget all about her. But he knew that wasn't possible. He spent 13 years trying to get over Olivia the first time she dumped him. One night of drinking was not going to get her out of his system.

Just then the front door of the bar opened and Brian felt a blast of cold air. He anxiously turned to see who was entering, hoping Olivia had come to her senses and had come looking for him. They had met up here after work a couple of times right after they first started dating. He usually got there first and he always loved how all the men in the bar would turn and look at the gorgeous brunette as she entered only to be disappointed when they realized she was with him. Tonight though, the brunette that entered was not Olivia.

Brian let out a sigh and took another big swallow of his drink. What was he doing here? He should be at home curled up in bed holding Olivia in his arms. This had all just been a huge misunderstanding. He didn't mean any of the stuff he said. Sure he was frustrated with how things had been going recently, but that wasn't Olivia's fault. If anyone was to blame, it was him. As excited as he was about having his detective's shield back, he knew him being at IAB was going to become an issue for the two of him. And he should have been making more of an effort to balance his professional life and personal life.

If the past year and a half had taught him anything, it was that he could live without his detective's shield, but he couldn't live without Olivia. All of a sudden Brian knew he couldn't give up without a fight. He knew he needed to at least try one more time to patch things up with her. If he didn't he would spend the rest of his life living with the "what ifs". He made that mistake once, fifteen years ago; he was not going to make it again.

Brian slipped his phone out of his pocket, as quickly as his alcohol impaired motor skills would allow him. But when he went to dial Olivia's number he realized that sitting deep in this hole-in-the-wall bar he had no service. He attempted to stand up from his bar stool, to go make his call closer to the door, but he got no further than the next bar stool before the room started to sway. Apparently he'd had more to drink than he thought he did.

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, he returned to his bar stool and ordered a glass of water. It was probably a good idea to sober up before he talked to her anyway.

An hour later, Brian's head was clear and he was once again in complete control of his extremities. He paid his tab just before last call and made his way out into the cold New York City night. It had started to snow while he was inside and there was already a layer of white coating the streets and sidewalks. Rather than wait for a cab, Brian just pulled his coat tighter around his body and took off walking in the direction of their apartment.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call,
But I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Back at their apartment, Brian paused outside the door. Once again he pulled his phone from his pocket but before he could swipe his finger across the screen bringing the device to life he changed his mind and slipped it back in his pocket. Maybe this was a bad idea, coming back. She had told him she never wanted to see him again. He was about to turn to leave when he felt his phone vibrate against his hip and heard a small electronic ping. Certain that it was just Tucker calling him back into work, he started making his way down the long hallway toward the elevator as he retrieved his phone from his pocket. But what he saw on the screen was not a message from his boss but four missed calls from Olivia.

Four missed calls? How had that happened? Sure the bar was kind of noisy but he would have felt the vibrations in his pocket. Then he remembered, the one time he had pulled his phone out and thought about calling Olivia to apologize, he hadn't had any service. He was surprised that she had even called one time, after she had thrown him out. Maybe she was ready to apologize too.

Instantly another thought crossed his mind, what if something was wrong and that was why she was calling. He would never forgive himself if something had happened to her while he was gone.

Brian hurriedly fumbled in his pocket to retrieve his key. It took him three tries to get it inserted in the keyhole correctly. And when he was finally able to open the door, the sight in front of him was not at all what he was expecting.

The entryway was littered with shattered glass and puddles of water. If he looked closely at the walls, they were splattered with water as well. This did nothing to alleviate his fears. Carefully stepping over the debris, he made his way down the hallway for the second time in just a few hours, hoping he wouldn't encounter any more unpleasant surprises.

When he reached the living room, he once again found Olivia on the sofa. This time, however, she was curled up in a ball, fast asleep, tear stains evident on her exposed cheek. The floor of this room contained more broken glass. If he had to guess he'd say they were the remains of the picture frames that used to be displayed throughout the apartment, based on the empty spots on the shelves and walls.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he took his jacket off and threw it over the back of the chair. He was just about to sit down in the chair and wait until she woke up, not wanting to disturb her sleep, when she twitched forcefully and let out a heart-wrenching scream.

In a second he was at her side, sitting on the edge of the couch and rubbing her back. "It's okay, Liv. I'm here," he murmured soothingly.

When she felt his soft touch, her eyes immediately popped open. Having been in the middle of a nightmare, it took her a few seconds to orient herself to her surrounding. But as soon as she realized where she was, she sat up on the couch and dove into Brian's waiting arms, burying her face in his chest.

"I'm sorry Brian. I'm so, so sorry," she cried, the tears quickly soaking through his shirt. "I never should have said…. I didn't mean…. I thought I'd never see you…. I'm sorry Bri. I really am." She had so much she wanted to say to him but her words kept getting swallowed up in her sobs.

"Liv, it's alright. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere," he reassured her. Reaching around her, he grabbed a tissue off the coffee table and gently dabbed at the tears coming from her eyes. "Just take a few deep breaths. And we'll talk once you've calmed down. I have stuff I need to say too. But I promise you, I'm not leaving." He placed a quick kiss on the side of her head before pulling her a little closer to him.

After a few minutes of Brian rubbing her back and whispering soothing words in her ears, Olivia's violent sobs finally subsided to just an occasional sniffle. Brian handed her another tissue and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose before settling back into the crook of his arm and looking up into his hazel eyes. "Okay, I think I'm ready to talk now," she said meekly.

"Olivia I am so incredibly sorry," Brian started.

"No, Brian. I'm the one who should be apologizing," Olivia interrupted him.

Brian put a single finger up to her lips. "Shhh. You'll have your turn babe. Just let me finish first."

Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but changed her mind and nodded for him to continue.

"Liv, babe, I am sorry for everything. For my absence over the past couple months-both physically and emotionally. For the words I said to you tonight. For pushing you until you broke. For leaving and not fighting for us. If I could take it all back I would. I know that SVU is important to you. But I also know that you weren't lying to me when you told me you'd changed. You have changed. There was a time when Olivia Benson wouldn't have let anything come before work. And don't get me wrong, you're still passionate about what you do, which is one of the things I love about you. But I know that I'm your top priority now, just like you're my top priority. I know you probably haven't felt that way lately and that's all my fault. I'm so sorry Liv. I should have told Tucker he could shove it when he offered me the IAB job but I just wanted desperately to prove I was good enough for you so I took it. And I kind of feel like I'm rambling now, so I hope this is making sense," he said with a small chuckle. "Just know that the most important thing is I love you more than anything Olivia and I am going to try harder to be a good boyfriend, the type of boyfriend you deserve. And I promise I am never, ever going to leave you again."

When he felt he had said everything he needed to he leaned forward and placed a small kiss on her lips. Breaking the kiss he gave her a small smile and said, "Your turn."

Olivia shifted in her seat a little so she was sitting eye level with Brian before she began. "Okay, first of all, where did you ever get the idea that you weren't good enough for me?"

"Oh come on Liv, everyone knows it. Elliot knew it. Nick knows it. The rest of them probably think it too, they're just too polite to say anything to my face," Brian responded with a sigh.

Now it was Olivia's turn to silence him. "Hey, it's my turn now. You had your turn," she scolded with a chuckle. She immediately became serious again before continuing though. "Who cares what they think Bri?"

She could see that he was on the verge of interrupting again so she quickly forged ahead with what she had to say, not giving him a moment to break in. "I certainly don't care. Elliot never had my best interests at heart. Honestly, him leaving was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me the freedom to be me without constantly feeling like every decision I made was being judged. And as far as Nick is concerned, unfortunately the two of you got off on the wrong foot and because of a series of bad circumstances have never really been able to mend fences. So that's why he doesn't approve of you. But again, I really don't care what he thinks. He's my partner but the only time his opinion matters is when it has to do with a case. And don't try to tell me you have a tainted past, because my past isn't exactly angelic either. So don't you ever feel like you're not good enough for me. I fell in love with you because of the smart, funny, compassionate, protective, loving man that you are, not because of where you work or how much money you have. Not to mention you are pretty sexy," she added, trying to get a smile out of him. "You do believe me right?"

Brian just nodded, unsure of his voice, as tears welled at the corners of his eyes.

She took his hand in hers and gave it a small squeeze before continuing. "Now it's my turn to apologize. I'm I so sorry for everything I said Bri. I never should have thrown you out. I was just so hurt that you still thought SVU meant more to me than you do. You're my life Bri. You have to know that. Sure I love what I do, helping victims, but I am in love with you. I guess I've been doing a pretty crappy job of showing you lately, giving you grief about your long hours when I am just as guilty of staying at the precinct longer than I should. I had just sort of gotten used to you being here when I got home from work, kissing me when I walked in the door, and sitting down to eat dinner with me. I never had that before we moved in together and it felt really nice. And then when it stopped I missed it a lot."

She paused for a moment. "God, I sound so needy, don't I?" she muttered, looking down at her hands.

Brian lifted her chin up with his finger until he was looking deep into her eyes. Still not trusting his voice, he just shook his head ever so slightly as if to indicate he didn't agree with her. That, coupled with the loving look she saw in his eyes, was enough encouragement for her to continue.

"Anyway, but instead of talking to you about it, I just let the frustration build up until I blew up at you and that was wrong. So I really am sorry for the way I handled things and the words I said. Can you ever forgive me?" By this point tears were threatening to fall from Olivia's eyes again.

"I already have," Brian said in a soft voice as he gathered her in his arms.

The two lovers sat wrapped in one another's arms for several moments, neither one wanting to move. The tears were now spilling down Olivia's face again, as she lay with her cheek against Brian's chest, just listening to the sound of his beating heart-a pleasant reminder that he was still here. That they had weathered the storm and come out the other side.

A few stray tears had made their way out of Brian's eyes as well, which he absent-mindedly wiped away with the back of his hand before running his fingers through Olivia's short dark hair. After another couple minutes, Brian finally broke the silence. "What do you say we move this to the bedroom?"

"I don't think I have the energy for make-up sex tonight Bri," Olivia murmured into his shirt.

"That's okay Liv. I'm pretty exhausted too. I just thought our bed might be a little more comfortable than the couch."

He slowly stood up before offering his outstretched hand to Olivia. She gratefully took his hand in hers and allowed him to pull her up. Together they carefully navigated around the broken glass on their way to their bedroom.

"Do I even want to know what happened here after I left?" he asked her with a smirk.

Olivia blushed slightly before responding. "Let's just say I was a little upset. I may have thrown your glass of water at the door after you slammed it. And when that didn't make me feel any better, I may have also thrown every picture of the two of us against the wall."

"Did it help?"

"No, not even a little."

"I'm glad you threw things."

"Just how much did you have to drink at the bar?" Olivia asked, giving him a puzzled look.

"I can't exactly remember, but that's beside the point. I am completely sober now. I just…well, when I left you weren't really displaying any emotion. I was absolutely furious. But you, you didn't look hurt, angry, sad…just apathetic. So I was starting to wonder how much I really meant to you if breaking up with me didn't even seem to faze you. But if you got angry and threw stuff after I left, it means you still care."

Olivia stopped walking and turned to face him. "Of course I still care. I guess I just thought it would hurt less if I emotionally detached myself from the situation. But it turns out I was wrong. It still hurt like hell."

"Well it's over now," he told her. "And I promise to never let things get this out of hand again. The next time I'm upset about something I'll talk it out with you instead of just keeping in inside and letting it get to the point where we blow up at each other."

"Me too," she agreed. "I don't ever want to feel that way again."

Brian wrapped his arm around Olivia's waist and they continued down the hall and into their bedroom where they both stripped down to their underwear and climbed into bed. Brian pulled the covers up over them and gathered Olivia into his embrace.

As they lay there in the dark he whispered into her ear, "How about we both take a sick day tomorrow? Spend the whole day together, just you and me? Have a little make-up sex? Clean up the mess in the living room. Buy some new picture frames. Go out to a fancy dinner. Come home and have a little more sex?"

"I say that sounds absolutely perfect," Olivia responded with a smile as she relaxed into her boyfriend's loving embrace and closed her eyes.

Brian planted one more kiss on the back of her head before closing his eyes as well. It had been a rough night, but they had made it through to the other side, stronger than they were before and they would both sleep well tonight.