Co-written with Mereo Flere (part 3).

Part 1: Archer is an idiot

He knew he had to get serious. Lancer's red glare was deathly cold even as the air seemed to seethe with dread. If he made one mistake here, it'd be over in an instant. That wasn't different from any other battle he'd fought in, of course, but he couldn't rely on his melee fighting style. He didn't have time to try anything ranged either.

No choice, he had to unleash his ultimate attack.

Noble Phantasm? No, it was much, much more than that...

"Okay, here I come, Lancer!" Archer grinned as he felt power quiver up his arm. His weapon materialized in his hand, and in the same instant he cocked it with a sharp click and fired.

His weapon didn't fire with a loud bang, like he was certain his opponent and Master assumed it would from a glance, but with a breeze of wind, a stumble of feet, a somersault, and so much more. That unique sound was accompanied by a sharp whoosh of air as his projectile arced, and smacked right into his enemy's face.

"Bull's eye!" Archer crowed, feeling smug as his opponent fell to the ground—dead, of course.

The abruptness of the battle's end, before Lancer had even finished prepping his own ultimate attack, left a sudden lurch as his Master, as well as a hidden watcher, stood in shock. The pause lasted only a handful of seconds, which Archer enjoyed to the fullest.

"What was THAT?" Rin exploded as she slowly began to realize that, yes, that actually happened.

"I beat our enemy, as you can see," Archer said as he gestured towards Lancer's prone body, which hadn't quite started to dissipate in a shower of golden dust yet.

"Uh huh," Rin stomped over to Lancer's corpse and jabbed a finger at the object still sticking to his face. "And HOW did you kill him with this?"

The object in question was, of course, a pair of panties.

"It was a panty shot, Rin." Archer looked at her condescendingly. "Man's worst foe, yet greatest joy.

"I'm sure Lancer died with a smile on his face... and blood leaking from his nose."

Sure enough, Rin pulled away the blue and white striped panties and, to her disgust, found Lancer's corpse had a grin even as the blood from his nose began to dry.

"This is ridiculous." Rin ground her teeth. "You... you two were having an epic battle and everything! I couldn't even see how fast you were going at times! You can't KILL someone with a panty shot, that's just fucking ludicrous!"

Archer shrugged as Lancer's body finally began to melt into dust. "It worked, didn't it?"

"No, this did NOT happen." Rin held her head as pain began to pulse through her skull from trying to wrap her mind around the stupid concept. "I'm going to pretend this didn't happen, Archer. And you are never, EVER going to use that... that gun thing again, okay?"

"But—"

"NEVER. AGAIN." Rin felt a rush of power course through her arm as her second command spell took hold over Archer. She didn't even regret it.

Part 2: Archer is also an idiot

It had been a tough battle. In all honesty, Archer was sure he couldn't win conventionally, not with his ultimate attack sealed. They'd gotten pretty lucky, being able to team up with Shirou and Saber kept the brunt of many battles from forcing him into actually needing to go all out in order to gain victory, but that luck had finally run out with this new enemy.

Berserker, Caster, Rider... they were all like gnats compared to the powerhouse that was Gilgamesh. He couldn't expect any help from Saber, she was too worn down, and neither Shirou nor Rin had any hope of being more than a target for distraction at best. It was all on him, Archer knew.

But he could still win. It was gamble, but he could most definitely win. Against any other opponent, he wouldn't even consider it, but against Gilgamesh... it was possible.

"So, King of Heroes..." Archer kept a casual tone despite his weariness. "I hear you're quite the connoisseur of wines."

"Hmph!" Gilgamesh sniffed with disdain. "What of it, mongrel? Hoping to beg for a taste before I snuff out your worthless life?"

"Oh, no, no..." Archer shook his head carefully, not taking his eyes off Gilgamesh, but still giving a small measure of deride. "I was just wondering if you could actually handle a real man's drink."

"Archer, what are you DOING?" Rin hissed as she clutched her arm tightly, trying to stem her blood-loss. Shirou stayed motionless, his swords ready while standing over Saber's near comatose body.

"A... real man's drink...?" Gilgamesh scoffed, not even offended, just bemused. "I hope you do not speak of that poorly crafted garbage known as beer."

"Oh, of course not," Archer nodded his head in agreement with Gilgamesh's dismissal. "I'm not even talking about whiskey, bourbon or any those others. I'm talking about a drink so good, only the bravest of men, the most kingly of beings, can even hope to live after consuming from its glory.

"Interested in testing your mettle?" Archer tilted his head to the side challengingly.

He was.

Of course, the new challenge required a new venue. Thankfully, they weren't too far from a closed bar, which they broke into, and Archer quickly fixed his drink. He had been working on perfecting it for quite some time, so he had high hopes of his victory.

Setting down a bottle he'd crafted, Archer placed two shot glasses in front of his foe and let Gilgamesh pick whichever he wanted.

The rules were simple.

"Whoever is let standing is the winner."

"Hmph," Gilgamesh gave a snort, less mocking and more amused—as if his opponent had any hope of victory.

"Archer, what are you planning...!?" Rin gave another hiss, starting to get angry at her Servant continually ignoring her. She had long since bandaged her wounds, but the fact that she was still so close to the man who'd nearly impaled and bisected her left her on edge.

"Tohsaka just... let him do this." Shirou placed his hand on her shoulder, shooting a glance at the still catatonic Saber. "At the very least, it gives us some time."

Gilgamesh looked at the tiny shot glass with disdain as Archer filled it with only a few inches of strange liquid. Holding it up, Gilgamesh had to admit the texture of the drink was impressive. It was unlike anything he'd seen, a true kaleidoscope of colors; it shifted from night black to blood-red to pure white and more as the dim light of the bar hit it. Gilgamesh held it up to his nose, detecting a whiff of... something. It was a familiar aroma, a thought provoking one, but he could not place it.

Now truly interested, Gilgamesh glanced back up at Archer, who also had his shot glass held between his fingers.

"Well, bottom's up." Archer smirked challengingly, and then chugged the shot in a single gulp.

Not to be outdone, Gilgamesh quickly followed suit, feeling a hint of annoyance that the mongrel consumed his glass first. That annoyance faded away completely as Gilgamesh immediately slumped over, dead.

"Wait, what?" Rin, who had been watching the scene with gripping trepidation, suddenly felt a feeling of déjà vu.

"Huh," Shirou grunted as he blinked, surprised at their easy victory. He then glanced at Archer, who was still quite alive, in confusion "I don't get it, how'd you poison him?"

"Oh, it was the drink. Too much of a good thing can kill you, is all. And I've built up an immunity." Archer smile as he picked up the bottle and sloshed it around with a fond look on his face.

"Archer... that drink..." Rin's glare was like the arctic as noticed that Gilgamesh was bleeding heavily from his nose.

"Yes, it's liquidized panties, Rin." Archer nodded with a smug look. "You only said I couldn't use the gun, and while I only recently perfected this variation, the problem was actually getting someone to drink it.

"Thankfully, Gilgamesh took me up on my challenge."

"Archer... never again..."

"But—"

"NEVER... AGAIN!" Rin felt the power of her third and final command spell course through her and felt only elation—she never wanted to see something so stupid again in her entire life.

Part 3: Emiya is an idiot

If Archer was being honest, he had always believed that Assassin would be the simplest servant to defeat. With Caster out of the picture, all he could do was stand at the gate until he ran out of prana and died. However... with the Holy Grail awakening at the mountain temple, the four of them had had no choice but to confront him.

It was then, Archer realized, that he had grossly underestimated the swordsman. Even Saber's holy blade had been no match for him; the holy light from Excalibur had simply been parried away as though it had been an ordinary swing of her sword, and despite working together Saber and Archer could not best the man in close combat. Saber had even taken a near fatal blow in the short exchange, and could barely stand on her feet right now.

"Is that all you have?" Assassin said with a disappointed frown, staring down at the defeated King of Knights.

Saber grit her teeth, ready to answer Assassin's provocation with another duel. However...

"Enough," Archer said, placing a hand on this shoulder. "You can't beat him."

It was blunt and it was cruel - but it was also the truth.

Still...

"Then what do you expect us to do? We need to go, before that thing fully awakens!"

Archer furrowed his brows. She was right, of course; they couldn't afford to waste any more time here. "Just leave it to me," he said grimly, as he called out his bow.

"Long ranged attacks won't work," his master said, sounding as though she had already lost hope. "If Excalibur couldn't do it, what can you expect to do?"

"Don't worry," Archer said with a smile. "I still have that."

"That?" Rin looked up at him, a puzzled expression on her face. Then, with a gasp of realization, she glared at him. "I thought I commanded you to never use that again!"

"You sealed the gun," Archer cooly pointed out. "You never sealed my bow."

And... most importantly, she was all out of command seals. Even as she shouted at him about how stupid his idea was, how it couldn't possibly work for a second time, he ignored her and summoned a pair of striped panties in his empty hand. Pulling back the bowstring, he pointed his weapon at Assassin and fired.

He didn't miss. Even though it was no arrow, even though it tossed and turned in the air, his aim remained true... hitting Assassin's face as softly as a feather floating on a gentle breeze. The enemy hadn't even tried to dodge... but then again, who would?

Nobody who would dare think of themselves as a man.

There was a tense moment as everybody waited to see the outcome of the attack - to see whether or not the telltale signs of a bloody nose would appear.

They didn't. Instead, Archer had to watch in horror as his panties slid into Assassin's mouth, pulled into his teeth as though it were some sort of snack. Then, a moment after it disappeared completely from sight, Assassin smiled - licking his lips.

"Delicious."

"See!" Rin said, finally vindicated. "I told you it wouldn't work! Not everybody is as big an idiot as you!"

Archer's eyes widened. Assassin was... immune? "Impossible!"

"No, it's not impossible," Shirou said behind him, a determined tone in his voice. "In fact, I can finally understand why he's so strong. I now know the source of his power."

Archer turned around - and there, standing beside Rin, was Shirou holding a bow identical to his own. Unlike Archer, he had a proper arrow - though, to Archer's eyes, it didn't seem to have any special properties, save for the forked head.

"What are you doing?" Archer tried to ask - but before he could finish Shirou released his bowstring, sending the arrow flying past Archer's ear.

Behind him, a pained cry came from Assassin. When Archer turned to look what happened, he saw a rip in Assassin's clothing at the hip - though there was no sign of any injury in his body. It was only when Assassin's body disappeared that Archer saw the arrow hidden behind him - and the pair of panties that had been caught in its prongs.

"It seems you still have a lot to learn, Archer," Shirou said with a smile.

For once, Archer smiled back at him. "It seems I do."

As the present and future shook hands with one another neither of them noticed the lone figure already running up the stairs ahead of them. They did, however, hear the angry scream of a frustrated school girl, the two words that would damn the world.

"NEVER AGAIN!"

Even as everything was engulfed in fire and chaos, Rin was still convinced that it had been totally worth it.