Disclaimer: I do not own American Idiot.

A/N: It is very important for you to know THIS IS IN WHATSERNAME'S POINT OF VIEW. I'm switching perspectives. So, like, Will's not talking to himself or anything crazy. Whatsername is now narrating.

So, this is it. Big bad Johnny's small crowded apartment. He said he has a roommate – not to me, to Will. He still isn't talking to me, really. But I didn't think he was talking to Will either. Anyway, he said he has a roommate, but he's out of town. So we get his bed. Johnny actually suggested that Will take the couch and let me have the bed to myself, but there's no way in hell Will would ever go for that. He likes having me close. I don't think Will is very good at being alone.

But, neither am I. No one is, really. But most people can fake it. Will can't, really. He just falls apart. Sometimes I'm really scared that I won't be able to fix him. Or that I won't want to. But I try not to think about it. I'm happy now, for the first time in so long. I'm over a year sober and I'm in a normal, steady relationship. I have good friends and I love what I do. Things are looking up, and there's no reason for me to look down.

Well, there is one reason, and I'm currently standing in his apartment. Will is already in bed, and I told him I was going to get a glass of water, not that he heard me. He was basically passed out, probably a combination of exhaustion and alcohol. But I just wanted to look around. I wondered if Johnny would ever take me here when we were together. He never even offered. I don't think it was me, though. He was so convinced that he hated it here. He didn't want to associate me with this place. And now I can see why. Everyone seems so stuck. Not that I think I'm any better than them, but I can see why Johnny didn't like it. Sometimes I think even Will hates it here, and he doesn't hate anything.

So, I'm standing at a bookshelf in the living room, no taller than I am. It's loaded with books and notebooks, and I can't be sure they're all Johnny's, but I pull one out anyway. Even though he scares me, I want to understand him. I got no closure out of our relationship. Just a bullshit note stuck to my bedroom door with a knife. I never knew his real feelings. He never said anything about them. And I deserve to know everything. I put up with a lot of shit and he went way too far.

I flip through the notebook, but nothing really catches my eye. I put it back and pull out another, still with no luck. What did I expect? A diary explaining his every thought about me? It was stupid. I'm about to call it a night when I open to a folded-up piece of paper shoved between the pages. I slowly unfold it, pressing out the creases.

It's a song, I think, by the style. My name is written in small letters in the top right corner, and I furrow my brows, studying it, wondering how it could be real. Then, I start to read. It's a beautiful song. I feel my eyes fill with tears. Why didn't he ever play me this song? I would have loved it. I loved him silently, because I thought he didn't love me at all, But here was the proof. I folded the paper back up quietly and stuffed it into my pocket on a sudden whim.

"Didn't your mom ever teach you not to steal?" Johnny's voice hits my ears, and I jump a little, turning around to find his face.

His arms are crossed and he's smirking slightly, watching me in a way that makes me want to cringe. I'm still scared of him. Every time I see him, the image of him pointing a knife at me flashes through me. I take an extra step back.

"Didn't your mom ever teach you how to treat a woman?" I retort. It's not the best thing I could have said, but it is true.

He sighs, walking closer to the bookshelf, to me.

"If you and Will are going to stay together, and you know I think you shouldn't, but I doubt you care about anything I have to say," He starts, watching me, "Then you and I are going to have to get along. Because even though Will kind of hates me right now, he's the best friend I've ever had. And we wouldn't let anyone get in between that, not even you."

"Wow, I'm so scared." I say evenly, but I am. Not of Will, of Johnny. He's so close to me. I take a deep breath, backing away. "I was just looking for something to read. Will's asleep already." I tell him, and immediately wish I hadn't. Will isn't awake to come between us, if something happens.

Johnny got really crazy there, near the end of things. He talked to himself a lot and then there was the time he pulled out a knife while we were in bed. And I loved him, and I wanted to fix him. But I couldn't. It was too hard. And sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is give up. Look at him now. He seems healthy. He has a job and his friends. I know I made the right decision letting him go. But it's still a hard one to face.

He's still hard to face. I loved him. He told me things about his life, his stepfather, his dreams… Things I don't think he's ever told anyone else. And then he took it all back.

"Do you want to watch some TV or something?" Johnny asks, smiling slightly.

I quickly shake my head. "No, that's okay. I'm tired." I lie, and I quickly turn around and go back to the room, closing the door tightly behind me.

I find Will passed out on the bed, laying on his stomach, but I snuggle into him anyway, and wonder what it would be like if I had come here with a different boy, years ago, as I slowly fall asleep.

Lips on lips. Hazel eyes digging deep within my soul. A touch, a caress.

He groans, low, lustful, the sound rumbles in my ears. A smile. A kiss.

Hips on hips. Slowly, at first. Then he speeds up, and I groan.

Music in the air, love in our hearts. He's cute. He's an idiot. A smile.

A guitar. A song. A life.

A knife. Shiny and sharp, pointing at me, pointing at him.

A knife. A note. The end.

I dream of Johnny a lot more than I'd like to admit. I can't shake the memories from my head no matter what I do. I look over at Will, who's still asleep, breathing softly. The sound makes me happy. I want him to wake up, though. Tunny and Jillian are getting married this afternoon. I'm excited, which is weird, and Jillian wanted us to come over this morning and help them out with some things if we could.

I sigh, shaking my head. I don't want to get sucked into this small town. I love the city. I know it's where I belong. My boyfriend, on the other hand… This may just be the exact right place for him. Not that I'd ever bring that up. I want to be with him as long as I can be. I love him. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone in such an honest and pure way. I don't want to lose it yet.

But I know I'll have to eventually. He has a son, and Heather would never allow me to be anything more than Will's girlfriend to Elton. I couldn't stand aside, living in Jingletown, never getting to claim anything as my own. There are so many things I want that I couldn't have here. And I just don't know if Will is worth all those sacrifices.

If I stay with him for much longer, I know I'll start to think that he's worth anything. I'm already starting too. And it's going to get messy. Sometimes I think that I should end it, and I even try to say it out loud, but the second he looks me in the eyes, I can't. I love him too much. I give my love out to easily to everyone in my life, and it's almost impossible to ever take it back.

But, I remind myself, that's a strength, not a weakness. Love is not a weakness. As I watch Will's chest rise and fall, and a smile twitch on his lips, I know that to be absolutely true.

Johnny drives us to Tunny and Jillian's in his mom's car. Will and I sit in the back, and I feel compelled to stare at the empty passenger seat, wondering: if things had gone differently, would I be in that seat? Would Will be the unwanted third wheel? I sigh, shaking my head. Being around Johnny is a constant source of stress and what-ifs, and it's so much work. Another reason Will and I probably won't last together – shouldn't last together. Johnny will always be pushed between us, and I may never get over it. And that sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Johnny also decides to come inside with us, which makes me feel disappointed, but probably not as disappointed as Will is when he sees Heather and Alex inside, sitting at the table. Heather's holding Elton close, and I suddenly realize that I've missed him. Another sign things have gone too far.

"Can I hold him?" I ask Heather, and she raises her eyebrows, but hands him to me silently. I grin, watching his face, and begin talking to him softly as I sit down beside her. "He looks just like Will." I say, still amazed by it even though I've noticed it before. "And a lot like you, too. He's really perfect." I glance up, and I notice Alex leaning forward, watching me closely. I think he probably wants to change the subject to something related to him, but he's trying to think of the right way to do it. That makes me smile. As annoying as Alex is, you have to love his awful personality. It's really entertaining. I actually really like all of Will's friends, and I really hope they like me too. I've tried so hard to get them to. And I don't know why I care so much. I guess this is what love ends up doing to you.

I look at Will. I do love him. A lot. Stupidly so.

"Krystina!" Jillian says once she walks into the room. "Will you do my make-up for me?"

I smile slightly, nodding. I feel needed. I feel safe. I feel at home.

Shit.

The wedding is small, which surprises me, considering how many people they had over last night.

Will and Johnny stand by Tunny, while two of Jillian's friends are beside her. I sat down holding Elton, and he fell asleep almost immediately. Though Heather keeps glancing at me constantly, she doesn't protest. I like thinking that I'm giving her a break. She deserves one.

So, when I'm not looking down at Elton to make sure he's alright, I study Johnny and Will. They're so different, yet similar. And I love them both, but I can't look one of them in the eye. I don't know if that will ever get easier. But maybe that doesn't matter.

Will smiles at me, his eyes lifting. He smiles with his whole body, just because he saw me. I've never seen anyone throw themselves into love so quickly. Well, besides myself, maybe. And that scares me. Maybe we're so much alike that we'll never work out. Not that I want us to. Or, need us to, I guess. I don't want to be stuck in a small town. But I do want to be with Will. Maybe if I could change his mind on the city, I could let things happen on their own. We could end up really happy.

Even though Will's looked away, he's still grinning. I don't pay much attention to the wedding or what's being said. Just Will and Elton, back and forth, wondering what life would be like if I spent every day with them.

I think I'd like it.

That night – or the next morning, technically – when Will and I finally get in bed, I can't sleep. I lie awake, staring at the wall, and I wonder about Johnny. I wonder what that song sounds like, when he sings it out loud. I wonder if he ever tried to play it for me but got too scared to. I wonder why I can't stop thinking about him.

I get up, careful not to wake Will, who, by the light sounds of his snoring, just fell asleep. I kiss his forehead softly and walk into the living room. I find Johnny on the couch, staring at the wall. I sit beside him, staying silent. I had a thousand questions for him just a minute ago, but now it's like there's nothing to say.

He looks up at me, slowly, his eyes red, full of tears.

"I love you," He murmurs. I think he might be drunk.

"I know," I reply, and lay my head on his shoulder. "I know."