Title: Problem Pets
Rating: PG
Characters: Wheeljack, Jazz, the Dinobots and a poor abused drone.
Pairings: Hinted Jazz/Prowl and Wheeljack/Ratchet
Summary: The Dinobots want a pet. Wheeljack decides to build them one. In hindsight, he shouldn't have...

Notes: Also published on AO3 in the story 'The Holding Pen' (chapter 8), in the 'Prompts and Bunnies' series, which regroups all miscellanous One Shots I wrote on Transformers since 2007-2008. Link here: /series/37151

From a bunny on the tf_bunny_farm: The Dinobots want a pet. Wheeljack decides to build them one.

Problem Pets

In hindsight, Wheeljack knew he shouldn't have been surprised. Still, he winced when he heard the familiar sound of metal bending and what might have been a scream of pain, though it was just a loud squeak.

Perhaps he shouldn't have added a vocalizer to his latest creation...

Grimlock's thunderous voice was heard in the background.

"You Slag don't squeeze kitty like that! You hurt him!"
"But him like it!"
"Him doesn't like! And let him Sludge handle the kitty! His turn now!"
"Not fair!"

It was not every day that one could see the Dinobots bickering like children for the privilege of stroking what, for the humans, would have been a cat.

Wheeljack barely conceled his amusement. Jazz, for his part, was watching the show with a grin.

"And another one will bite the dust…"

Wheeljack sighed.

"No surprise. They don't seem to understand that they mustn't squeeze them in their arms like that. At this rate, I will not be able to work on my newest invention for a while..."

The saboteur wouldn't tell him he was relieved. Him, and everybody else who had to pass in front or who lived next – well, not exactly next, but close enough to feel the vibrations caused by the usual explosion – to the engineer's workshop.

Not that they didn't like Wheeljack; he was a good friend and a wonderful mech. But nobody wanted to be caught in an explosion.

In a way, the newest obsession of the Dinobots was a blessing in disguise for the Ark's crew.

Instead of telling him the truth, Jazz patted him on the shoulder.

"You had a good idea. I mean, they wanted a pet; it wasn't as if we could make them change their minds. And Primus knows we tried..."

Wheeljack glared at him.

"No, Ratchet, Prowl, and Prime tried to talk them out of it. You... you just recorded everything," answered the scientist.
"Well, someone had to," shrugged Jazz. "And I'm glad I did; nobody would have believed me without proof if I had told them the Dinobots could sulk and pout better than Bluestreak and Bumblebee."

Wheeljack had to agree on this one.

"Yes... It scares me sometimes the way they can make Ratchet and I do anything they want..."
"Don't be so surprised; they're yours, after all. And everybody can see that," added Jazz.
"They don't look like me or Ratch..."
"No, but they roar exactly like him," smiled the saboteur.

Wheeljack chuckled. Now, he had heard a good deal of rumors about himself, Ratchet, and the Dinobots. Most of them were truly stupids and some others weren't so far from the truth. But even though he was greatly amused by them, he doubted Ratchet would be.

Scratch that, Ratchet wouldn't enjoying them at all and he'd be delighted in throwing his tools at whoever was doing the speaking

Thankfully for everyone, the medic didn't listen to gossip very often. But the few things he had overheard had made him furious

"Never let Ratchet hear you; you would never leave the Medbay alive," he warned Jazz with excessive seriousness.
"He still don't want to listen to anyone who tells him the five of them are just like him?" ansked the saboteur, smiling playfully.
"I think he never will if he has the chance."
"He's in denial."
"As I said, never let him hear that."

As they finished speaking, the Dinobots reminded them of their presence rather loudly.

"Here kitty, kitty!"
"You Snarl stop! Him afraid of you!"
"Him not!"
"Me Slag got him!"
"You Slag drop him now!"
"Him Wheeljack said not drop him!"

Jazz and Wheeljack exchanged a look as the five mechs began snarling at each others.

"It's a good thing you managed to finish the first one before they could raid a zoo like they had intended to. I don't think the humans or Prime would have liked..." started the saboteur.

Wheeljack shook his head, still watching the Dinobots playing with their new 'kitty'. Swoop, who had finally managed to calm everybody down and have a turn with the 'kitty', was holding him close to his chest, nuzzling his face against the drone.

"I know. Truthfully, I couldn't do it alone the first time around. I was lucky Perceptor wanted to help..."
"How did he take the termination of the first one?" inquired Jazz with interest.

Perceptor hadn't complained so far. But the red scientist rarely complained about anything anyway. Wheeljack shrugged.

"Not too badly; we were expecting problems sooner or later. The Dinobots play rough, everybody knows that. Still, no matter how many times I tell them the kitty drones aren't strong enough to survive their games, they don't listen. Either that or they keep forgetting."
"Well, they are beginning to grasp the concept," pointed out the saboteur. "This one has lasted for almost three days straight, without needing repairs. Or at least, not serious ones…"

Wheeljack nodded as he watched the Dinobots playing with the latest drone he had created for them, something which looked vaguely like a tiger. He almost pitied the poor thing.

"You could have constructed a kitty for each of them," he heard Jazz say.
"I thought about that, but Red Alert said 'no'. He doesn't want 'more security hazards running free around the Ark'. And besides, if I did, Ratchet would have four more drones to repair every day."

And that was very accurate.

Even though the giant mechs were trying to be gentle – not their speciality, unfortunately – they weren't exactly careful enough.

In less than two weeks, almost twenty 'pets' had been scrapped. But to be fair, in the last week, only six had departed for a better world. There was progress, but it came far too slowly for his comfort.

Still, the Dinobots learned from their mistakes. Now, they knew trying to throw the pets at each other was a bad idea. And Swoop had learned not to fly with them in his grasp because if he accidentaly dropped them, they wouldn't survive the encounter with the ground.

"Hopefully, they will keep it that way; Ratchet was ready to put an end to the pets' miseries himself," said the engineer. "Of course, I can understand why; I mean, if they barged into my lab every two or three cycles because their 'kitty' didn't want to move anymore and they wanted him repaired, I would try to get rid of the problem altogether too," he added.

Jazz nodded.

"How did you manage to soothe him anyway?"

Everybody had noticed a dinstinct improvement in the medic's mood these last few days, and a bet was running on exactly what Wheeljack had done to achieve it.

Wheeljack's optics brightened.

"That, my dear friend, is a private matter, and I doubt you want to know."
"Ah, come on Wheeljack..." started Jazz.
"Do I ask you details about you and Prowl's relationship?" asked sternly the engineer.

Jazz froze. Were Ratchet and Wheeljack a...? Had they...? Perhaps he didn't want to know so badly after all...

"...Ok, I will not ask again."
"Good."

There was silence for a few minutes, until Jazz began speaking again.

"You could always 'borrow' Steeljaw or Ramhorn…Granted, they wouldn't be happy, but they would survive much longer than your drones…"
"I thought about that, but Blaster would probably kill me if I dared," answered Wheeljack with all the seriousness he could muster.

It was really hard for him to not laught as he imagined Ramhorn or Steeljaw trying to escape the Dinobots' attention.

"And anyway, they don't even want to leave Blaster's side since Grimlock glanced at them the other day when he first said he wanted a pet."
"Man, that's hard."
"I know. I think Blaster wants them to see Smokescreen for therapy."
"Well, if they don't want to, you could alway give them one of Soundwave's pests next time we capture one of them. I'm sure they wouldn't mind a bird for a pet," jocked Jazz.

Wheeljack shook his head, amused.

"That would be too cruel."
"For the Dinobots or for the Cassettes?" added Jazz playfully.

The engineer watched the Dinobots play around. Or rather, he watched as the Dinobots stopped playing to gather around the now still drone. Grimlock poked him softly. No reaction.

"Him kitty doesn't move anymore!"
"Him hurt again?"
"Wheeljack! Him kitty doesn't work anymore!"

Wheeljack sighed as he started to approach the giant mechs to take a closer look at the drone.

"Truthfully? I wonder..."

End