Hey all.

Not really a lot I can say about this story *shrug* I wrote it for no other purpose then for giggles. The story idea kind of blind sighted me a few weeks ago, prompting me to write up a quick outline. After that the entire story just seemed to kind of flow out. This is meant to be purely a crack story, mostly a series of funny, humorous scenes loosely linked together by a thin thread of plot. I must warn you, there will be a lot of OC's as this is based a fair way in the future.

*Scratches neck* So yeah, enjoy and as always constructive criticism is appreciated as it helps me improve my writing skills, reviews just give me warm fuzzy feelings and flaming is used to warm my toes in the depths of winter as I continue to write.

Cheers

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it.

WARNING: In case you missed the rating, there is copious amounts of swearing throughout this story so be warned.

Chapter One.

Kicking a clod of dirt a young girl walks through the forest muttering quietly to herself. It wasn't fair that she got roped into doing this because her older sister didn't feel like it. She gave another clod of dirt a particularly vicious kick, bloody typical Nara attitude. Sometimes she felt like the odd one out in the Nara clan, lacking the laidback and lax attitude prevalent in the rest of her family.

Thirteen year old Nara Shina took to the treetops with a sigh, she might as well get the inspection of her section over and done with so that she could report back and go meet her friend Ayame. She swept her gaze all around as she travelled over the branches taking note of all extra branches and other debris that had been shaken loose during the massive storm that blew through two days ago. Up ahead she spotted a tree that had been uprooted and was now lying on its side; that was something that needed to be reported. Shina jumped to the ground and went around to have a look at the root system. She looked down into the gaping hole with some curiosity. That was when she spotted something at the bottom that caught her attention. After a moment of consideration she jumped down for a closer look.

At the bottom Shina dug the dirt away and pulled out the object. Upon closer inspection she was fascinated to find that it was a desiccated arm. Now most young teenage girls wouldn't be caught dead handling a decapitated dried up arm but Shina wasn't most girls. As a medic in training she found the arm fascinating. What was it doing here? How did it get here? Oh! Maybe it was a murder victim? Hmmm, one way to find out. She focused for a moment to gather her chakra and push it in so that she could examine the inside of it. But as soon as she did that the fingers on the hand curled inward.

Now medic in training or not the last thing she expected to see was the hand make a fist, especially since she knew she didn't stimulate the nervous system. Her immediate reaction was to squeal like the thirteen year old girl she was and drop the arm.

Ok, she should definitely tell someone.

She jumped out of the hole and was about to bolt back to the house when something made her stop. Shina frowned as she slowly turned and looked back down at the arm that twitched every so often. Wasn't there an old story or something? She thought for a moment. Yes! A story about how her great-great grandfather had defeated an immortal shinobi and buried him somewhere on the grounds! But that couldn't be right, nobody could actually become immortal, it just wasn't medically possible. She picked up a stick and jumped back down into the hole. Crouching by the arm she poked at it a few times with the end of the stick, this seemed to annoy the arm which grasped at the air in an angry fashion.

Ideas and theories started to swirl around her mind as she watched the arm. What if there was a way to replicate this state of being? Even if it wasn't a true immortality jutsu, it was most certainly an advanced healing technique. Think of the kinds of lives she could save. But her face fell, if she told anyone about this then she would never get the opportunity to examine it. Shina stood up and dropped the stick. This would be the only chance she would ever get. She chewed her bottom lip for a moment as she hovered between the two possible courses of action to take. It didn't take her long to come to a decision. With her mind made up she kicked a bit of dirt over the arm and jumped out of the hole before racing off back to the village at top speed.

0o0o0o0

Slowly, so slowly, awareness crept over him as a warmth suffused his cold, dry body. But with the awareness of himself came also an awareness of his massive discomfit. Dirt filled his mouth and throat and crusted up his eyes. It was then that he felt something brushing the dirt from his face and he could faintly hear the sound of voices murmuring around him. He….he… he was going to kill that fucking Nara! He suddenly remembered how he came to be dirt encrusted and he was furious. It was that fury that made him snap his eyes open to see what had unearthed him. If he was really lucky then it would be someone he knew and he could get himself put back together and go pummel the little brat that did this to him. But in reality he expected nothing more than some curious and confused diggers.

What he had never expected to see was half a dozen children peering down at his face, five of which squealed and recoiled when his eyes snapped open. The sixth one had her hand on his face and he could feel her chakra flow through him, clearing the dirt out of his ears, nose and throat. It also energised him to a certain degree. He looked around at the group, assessing them. First was the girl on his far left, she had a shock of unruly brown hair and dark coloured eyes. Running down each of her cheeks was a bright red inverted triangle. Standing next to her legs was a small black and white puppy. Next was a pair of identical twin boys with spiky dark red hair and bright blue eyes. Next to the twins was another boy that was quite obviously a Hyuuga, with dark blue grey hair and the distinct pale eyes. Standing next to the Hyuuga boy was a girl with black hair, dark eyes and a decidedly Uchiha cast to her face. Lastly was the girl that was closest to him, she had brown hair that was so dark that it was almost black and bright leaf green eyes. She was the only one in the group that didn't flinch when he opened his eyes and was also the one that fed him the chakra. There was something about her face though, he felt like he should know it but he just couldn't place it.

Overall the group couldn't have been older then thirteen or fourteen. The Uchiha girl was the first one to recover from the shock. She placed a hand on the shoulder of the girl that fed him chakra.

"Shina, he is creepy and gross. I think we should just bury his rotting butt back in the ground."

Shina looked up at her friend, "I can't Ayame. You have no idea the kind of valuable information I could get."

The girl with the puppy took a step forward, "Shina I have to agree with Ayame on this one." She poked at his head with the toe of her shoe as the puppy gave a growl, "Just rebury it." He made a weak grimace at her, how dare she fucking kick him!

"We should really tell the Hokage about this. I mean if you're right about his identity then he is very dangerous." The Hyuuga boy said.

"NO!" Shina jumped up, "If we tell the Hokage then he will just get the ANBU to take him away and I'll never get the chance to find out what it is that has kept him somewhat alive all this time. And you just know that they will never do that kind of research." She stomped her foot in annoyance.

"Maybe this is just one of those things that you should just leave alone." One of the twins said, "If you are right then he is an extremely dangerous S-Class criminal and we are noooooowhere skilled enough to take him."

"Speak for yourself." The girl with the dog muttered.

"What was that!" the first twin swung around to face her with clenched fists.

However before a fight could break out Ayame came between them.

"Kimi! Daiki! We don't have time for your stupidity."

It dawned on him at that precise moment that his entire future now hung in the hands of a group of children! They alone held the power to either grant him his freedom or bury his ass back under the dirt.

Fan-fucking-tastic. If he had his arms right at that moment he would have facepalmed.

"It will be fine, look what if I came up with a way to make him not dangerous. Something to contain him?" Shina looked around at her friends with a pleading look.

The second twin sighed and looked down at him, "I don't know, I kinda agree with Daiki. That," he pointed a finger at the head, "is nothing but bad news."

"Akira is right," Ayame said, "besides we don't know any techniques to restrain someone of his skill level. Hell, we don't even know if there are any jutsu's that can do that."

A thoughtful look came over Shina's face. The Hyuuga boy finally cracked a frown.

"No. Don't even think about it Shina." He said.

Shina shot him a look full of contrived innocence, "What?"

"What are you going on about Hiroshi?" Daiki asked.

Hiroshi pointed a finger at Shina, "She's thinking of making a new jutsu."

All eyes, including his, swung over to Shina. It only took a moment before she cracked beneath the weight of the stares.

"Oh, fine," Shina threw up her arms, "Yes I was thinking about it."

"Shiiina." Ayame whined, "You don't have the time to do that. Besides how the hell will you explain it to your Sensei?"

"It took you months to create the last one and the entire time you were tired and snappy and a general pain." Akira added with an eyeroll.

"But I can do this!" Shina spread her hands, "Besides I won't be starting from scratch on this one, because I can use one of my shadow jutsu's as a base." She was starting to get excited now.

His face screwed up in a silent growl, that's why she looked familiar! She was one of those fucking Nara! He screamed silently within in his own mind, all he wanted to do was scream abuse and obscenities at the little brats that surrounded him. But his vocal cords were still stiff and dry. He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling tired. Why was this happening to him? Surely his god must've abandoned him if his fate was now in the hands of a group of pre-pubescent teenagers. This just wasn't fair.

"NO!" Hiroshi yelled at Shina, "He is an S-Class, what if he can figure out how to break it."

Shina made a scoffing noise, "He won't. He's an idiot." She missed the head snapping his eyes back open to shoot daggers at her.

"You don't know that." Kimi snorted with folded arms.

"Yeah, he was in that Akatsuki group after all." Daiki added.

"Only 'cause he was immortal." Shina folded her own arms, "According to Great-great-grandpa's story his fighting style is predictable and limited."

Wait, great-great grandpa? How the hell long had he been buried for?

"Please guys." Shina sighed, "Help me with this."

Kimi relented first, "Fine, whatever. Just make sure the jutsu works properly before you use it on him."

The twins both nodded in consent. Ayame pursed her lips for a moment before rolling her eyes and muttering a small "fine". Hiroshi remained stiff and resistant.

"Hiroshi, please. You don't have to do anything all I'm asking is that you don't tell anyone yet."

Hiroshi sighed, all the fight leaving him, "Alright, I won't say anything for now."

Shina gave a wide grin, "Thanks guys. First thing first, we need to dig up the rest of him."

He couldn't believe it. He was actually going to be free! Maybe these brats could be of use after all. His happy mood lasted right up until Shina picked his head up and dumped him in an old dirty sack. He was sooooo going to slowly slaughter each and every one of these kids as soon as he was put back together.

0o0o0o0

An hour later the group had managed to find all of the dried up pieces of his body that they could. Shina put all the rest of the pieces in a separate sack to the head then led the group on the long route through the Nara property to the old abandoned lab that she had claimed for her own to practise her medical jutsu's. The old labs had been abandoned when newer more modern labs were built a couple of years ago. When she had started her medic training she had begged her parents to allow her to have one of the old labs for herself. They had been resistant at first, but after her mother had come home to find a fish flopping around her kitchen with Shina chasing it around she had promptly arranged for Shina to have one.

This meant that Shina now had the perfect private place to store the desiccated ninja that her and her friends were now carting around in sacks. When they arrived, Shina quickly fished the key out of her pocket and unlocked the door, ushering the others inside first before slipping in last and locking the door behind her. She motioned for Akira and Daiki to drop the sack full of body parts on an empty steel bench whilst she placed the one with the head next to it.

"This place stinks." Kimi said covering her nose with her hand, her puppy gave a whine in agreement.

"Sorry." Shina said absently as she carefully pulled the head out.

"He looks kind of pissed off." Daiki said with an exaggerated look of deep thought, "What do you think dear brother?"

Akira affected a similar manner to his twin, "I must agree. He does look quite angry."

"It would appear he is trying to froth at the mouth." Daiki observed as he leaned in closer.

"You're right." Akira also leaned in. "Do you think it's possible for him to have an aneurysm?"

"Ooooh, let's try."

Ayame smacked both the twins on the back of the head, "Not a good idea to tease an S-Class criminal." She said.

The twins just snickered as Shina finished filling a glass tank with water. She just gave a small shake of her head as she went rummaging through a cupboard pulling various jars with powders and liquids down. Grabbing a bowl from another cupboard she started to dump various amounts of the jar contents in before rolling up her sleeves and hand mixing the ingredients together.

"Ew." Ayame stated looking over her shoulder at the goopy semi-solid gunk that had been made.

Shina just grinned as she picked up a handful of the goop and held it out the Ayame. Ayame instantly shrunk away from it.

"Don't you dare!" she growled as she went to hide behind Kimi with Hiroshi. Kimi just rolled her eyes, so what if they got a little goop on them. It would do them both a world of good to get dirty more often.

Shina just laughed before dropping the goop into the tank. She then called chakra to her arm before stirring it in.

Akira sidled up the bowl with the rest of the goop, "Heeey, Shina, can we have the rest of this?"

"No, I need it."

"You sure?" Daiki peered into the bowl.

"Yes!" she slapped both their hands away from the bowl before walking over and carefully picking up the head. She pushed some more chakra into the head before speaking to him. "I'm going to put you in the water now and leave you till tomorrow morning. This will rehydrate you and the stuff I put in will give your cells vital energy and nutrients. I suggest you try and get some sleep."

The head just narrowed his eyes and glared at her, so with a slight shrug she gently placed him in the tank. Once in the rest of the group crowded around to peer at him in the tank. Daiki tapped on the tank.

"Check it out. He's like a little pet fishie. Maybe we could rename him Goldy."

Akira and Kimi snickered as the head in the tank shot a look of pure loathing at Daiki. Ayame rolled her eyes.

"Come on, I gotta put the rest of the body in the big tank." Shina said standing up.

It took five minutes to fill up the big tank, after which Akira and Daiki gleefully put the rest of the goop into the water as Shina stirred it in with her chakra covered arm. As Kimi and Shina dropped the rest of the body parts in the water, Akira and Daiki chased Ayame and Hiroshi around the lab trying to wipe the goop residue on their hands off on the dirt phobic Uchiha and the clean freak Hyuuga.

There was a squeal of outrage as the twins managed to corner and goop Ayame.

"Alright, we're done here for now." Shina said, trying to hide her smile at Ayame's fate.

With a growl Ayame chased the twins out the door followed close behind by Kimi and her ninken Gin. Shina went to chase after them so that she could make sure Ayame didn't kill the boys but she was stopped. Hiroshi had his hand around her upper arm.

"Please promise me you will be careful with this." He said concerned.

Shina patted his hand, "Don't worry about it. I promise I'll be careful about this. Now come on, we have training with Sensei soon and I need to make sure Ayame doesn't kill Akira."

With that they walked out and locked the door.