A New World Full of Strangers

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story are the property of Stephanie Meyer. I have borrowed them for my entertainment and (hopefully) your reading pleasure. I make no profit from their use.

Author's Note: I know that it has been a really long time since an update. But school is finally out for the summer (yay!) and I have more time to get back all my stories. It has been so long that you will probably want to go back and read the previous chapter.

The short summary is that Jacob, with some help from Edward, explained how he felt about his future up to this point. He was confused by his choices, especially the idea of becoming a "normal human" again. Carlisle told him that he didn't have to make up his mind right away. But now we will hear Renesmee's side of it. And she isn't willing to cut him the same slack.

Chapter 64: Where is My Jacob?

I guess that things are not really as scary with my Jacob as I had originally thought. I was positive that he was going to say that he had to decide if he was really my best friend anymore. But no, his choice is really whether or not he wants to be a wolf anymore and that is not the same thing. At least I don't think that it is. But there is something that's still bothering me.

When Jacob is finished answering Daddy's questions, I want to ask him questions of my own. I think that it will be easier now because no one else is really paying attention to us except Momma, Daddy, and Carlisle. I mean, why would they be?

"Can I ask some questions?" I ask Carlisle.

"Of course, Renesmee," he says. "This is really about you as much as it is about Jacob. But I hope that you understand now that all of Jacob's choices are not necessarily about you?"

"I think so," I answer, but I'm still not sure if what that means.

Then I look over at Daddy and he is smiling the way that he does when he thinks that everyone is about to be surprised by something that someone else will say. But he is also very alert, as if he is going to pounce on something that I'm going to say.

"Jacob," I say. "If you decide not to be a wolf anymore, does that mean that you won't be my Jacob anymore either?"

"Renesmee," says Daddy, pouncing right away. "I think that you are getting ahead of yourself."

"No, I'm not," I say. "If Jacob decides not to be a werewolf anymore, then someday he will die. I will never die. How much time would I have with him?"

"I don't think that it's a good idea to speculate about these things," says Carlisle.

"This isn't fair," I complain. "It doesn't sound like my Jacob is even thinking about me when he is deciding whether or not he wants to be a werewolf."

"Edward," says Jacob looking at Daddy like he is begging him for something.

"Jacob," says Daddy shaking his head. "This is a very logical question. And the explanation that we just gave her very neatly sidestepped this very issue. Renesmee has been bright enough to make the connection herself. She deserves an answer. And let's face it. At one time, this was the very same issue that almost came between Bella and me.

"It is virtually impossible (as Bella pointed out to me numerous times) to have a deep and fulfilling lifelong relationship with someone whose lifespan is a fraction of your own. As you know, my solution to the dilemma was pretty morbid. When Bella finally passed on of old age, I planned to do away with myself.

"Now that my daughter could potentially be faced with an identical situation in the future, I hate to consider the possibility that she might make that choice for herself. Your decision of what or who you wish to be, directly impacts her future. She is viewing your choice as one between immortality and mortality. And from her perspective, that tells her the length and possibility depth of you commitment to her. It is an issue that you should not ignore either."

Then Daddy looks at me like he is trying to make sure that what he just said is what I meant. So I nod. Momma starts to look worried again and Carlisle sighs. When I look around I realize that everyone is paying attention to us again.

"I, um, never looked at it that way," Jacob says uncomfortably. "I guess that's one of the big differences between you guys and me. As far as I know, the longest living wolf only lived for several generations. In fact, over the course of those generations he had three wives, two of whom died first of natural causes. The third wife committed suicide to save the tribe. After than happened, he disappeared and died."

"And he stopped phasing?" I ask.

"Yes, or rather, we think so," he admits. "He after he sat beside his dead wife in his wolf form, he left and was never seen again. The purpose of a wolf is to protect the tribe. Essentially, he was abandoning the tribe. But no one resented him for it because his choice was made out of enormous grief. He did not wish to live without his spirit wife. Today we would call her an imprint."

"But you could never outlive me," I say. "No matter when you decided to stop phasing into your wolf form, you would die."

"You're oversimplifying this, Renesmee," Carlisle says. "And you're putting the cart before the horse."

"I'm not oversimplifying anything," I say petulantly. "I very clearly understand everything about not having to defend the tribe and wanting to be a normal human. But if you are a normal human, then you can't be my Jacob. You will die and I never will. I think that is very selfish of you."

"Renesmee!" Momma exclaims. "Now you are the one being selfish."

"No, I am not!" I contradict her. "My Jacob promised me that he would always be my best friend. He promised me that he would always be there to protect me from everything that could ever hurt me. And now he's changing his mind. He . . . lied."

"That's a little harsh, Renesmee," says Daddy.

I roll my eyes, but really all that I really want to cry. Why is anyone listening to me? Why are they all taking Jacob's side?

"Yeah, right," I say sarcastically. "Like you don't already know everything that he ever told me. I am not trying to be mean, I am just pointing out the facts."

But I know that I am being mean as much as Daddy does. He explained to me a long time ago that just because something is true or a fact, it doesn't mean that it can't hurt someone else. That's why he doesn't say everything that he hears in other people's thoughts. But right now I feel hurt. And it's not just my feelings that are hurt. It's something way down inside me.

I can't remember a time when my Jacob wasn't there. Well, okay, there was a short amount of time from when I was born to when he saw me when Auntie Rose was holding me. And the first thing that I remember him doing was asking Auntie Rose if he could hold me. And she said no. That gives me an idea of what to say next.

"Do you know my first memory of you?" I ask him.

"I'm not sure that you ever told me," he says.

Stupid wolf, I think feeling hurt all over again. I know that I told him at least once.

"Well, I did tell you and you forgot," I answer. "Auntie Rose was holding me because Daddy was trying to save Momma. And you came up behind us and were staring at me. Then you asked her if you could hold me."

"And I said no," Auntie Rose interrupts. "Because I was afraid that you would kill her. Remember? It was our first argument about Renesmee. Do you remember how we settled it?"

Daddy is looking at Jacob very hard. I know that means that he had forgotten, but now he remembers. And he doesn't want to have to answer Auntie Rose's question. Jacob looks helplessly at him.

"I'm not bailing you out this time, Jake," he says. "You are going to have to answer her question yourself. And I suggest that you do it quickly."

Everyone starts to stare at him. That is because Alice and Jasper remember it too because they were there. And I know that Auntie Rose told Emmett. Carlisle and Esme found out because they wanted to know why they were arguing when they returned to the house.

"You settled it, Renesmee," he finally admits. "Rosalie had to hand you over because you were reaching for me and squawking."

"Squawking nothing," Alice says. "She was hollering at the top of her little lungs. In fact if she were capable of saying your name at that point she probably would have. I can't believe that you really don't remember this."

"Well, I do now that you've jogged my memory," he says. "I guess werewolves have shorter memories than vampires."

"As long as we've jogged your memory, Jacob," says Auntie Rose sarcastically. "How did you explain the reason for her hollering? And if I recall correctly, you were rather smug about it when she started cooing when I gave her to you."

"I told you that it was because she was accepting my imprint," he says looking down at his feet. "And then I had to explain what an imprint was and you nearly ripped my head off. If Carlisle hadn't come in you probably would have."

"Definitely would have," she says tensely. "And if I had known seven years ago what would have been happening now, I would have. If you're not careful about what you say in the next ten minutes I still might."

"I'll help," Emmett says threateningly.

I feel a little guilty now for making them all mad. Auntie Rose has always been very protective of me. She's almost worse than Momma and Daddy. And Emmett never wants to see anyone in the family hurt. But Momma gives me a little squeeze to tell me that it's okay. Daddy looks over at me, and nods.

"I saved her life and probably yours as well," Jacob answers defensively. "Sam couldn't attack once he knew that I imprinted."

"We could have taken on Sam and the boys," Emmett says with his usual bravado. "That's no excuse. But now I want to hear what Renesmee has to say about it."

I look over at Daddy nervously.

"Say what you feel, sweetheart," he says encouragingly. "Just try to stay focused on your points. You're doing well so far."

"Even when I was only a couple of hours old, I knew that you were my Jacob," I say taking a deep breath. "And when you were holding me, that's what you said. I understood every single word that you said to me. And I know that other babies can't do that."

I can feel my eyes tearing up.

"I trusted you because you said that I could trust you more than anyone else in the whole world," I say as the tears start to overflow. "You said that you would always be there as a big brother, a friend, a protector. You would be whatever I needed at the time. Now I need you to promise that you are going to be with me forever. I need you to tell me that you will always be my Jacob. Why can't you do that? Are you taking it back?

Jacob looks totally confused. He looks between Carlisle and Daddy. Carlisle looks a little sympathetic, but he knows that every word that I am saying is true. He has been trying to help Jacob avoid telling me just this very thing. But now he has to side with me.

"Jacob," Carlisle says kindly. "I can't run interference for you anymore. She has drawn a very logical syllogism. I'm sorry, Renesmee. I'm afraid that we underestimated your reasoning skills. We weren't trying to fool you. We were just trying to but some time to figure this out."

"Huh?" Jacob says as a couple of the others roll their eyes.

"What I mean is that Renesmee has created a paradigm that hypothesizes what you might call, if this then that," he says. "And she is right. If you choose to stop phasing so that you can live a normal human life, then that includes a normal human lifespan. Renesmee is an immortal, or at least we assume so.

"This means that you will live for a much shorter time than she will. She is correct in assuming that the choice to stop phasing means that you are essentially . . . denying the imprint. I don't know if you can, based on all previous evidence to the contrary. Her first question is valid. Did you lie when you promised that you would always be her Jacob?"

"No," he says. "I never said anything that I didn't mean. I always told her the truth, as I knew it. I guess that I didn't have a very good understanding of what that totally meant. You know, in terms of the whole immortality thing. There has never been anything like Renesmee and me before."

"Clearly," Auntie Rose comments sarcastically.

"Rosalie, this does not concern you," Carlisle says calmly.

"I'm sorry to disagree with you," Auntie Rose says. "But this conversation affects all of us. Renesmee is a part of this coven or family. What happens to one of us happens to all. We have accepted Jacob as a member of the family and we did so assuming that eventually he would be Renesmee's mate. It wasn't an easy thing for us to do, because technically speaking he is our enemy.

"But just as the wolves had to accept Renesmee as Jaocb's imprint, which I would argue they really haven't. We had to accept Jacob as her potential mate, which we have. And ironically enough, all of this stuff is coming up right at the point where we have completely accepted Jacob as a full family member. But with regard to their future together, Jacob has a choice that she does not. He can return to a fully human state. She will always be a hybrid, only half-human.

"Jacob does not fully live in the supernatural world. He exists as a shape shifter to protect his tribe from the dangers of the supernatural world. This means that he is able to cross between the two worlds. Renesmee, by virtue of what she is, will always being to the supernatural world. But this is more than an existential debate.

"Renesmee is a person with feelings that can be hurt very badly if he isn't careful about what he says and does. And I don't want to see her the same position that Edward tried to put himself in before Bella was turned. That is, live without your other half or die. If she would want to do away with herself at some point in her future, it would deeply affect all of us."

"I agree," Alice says. "Because this potential decision for her is based on Jacob's decision and she is hybrid, I can't predict what she will do."

"What if he decides?" Jasper asks. "Or maybe I should rephrase my question. Is there anyway to see around that? Can you see what the future would be for the rest of us, meaning would we be happy or miserable?"

Alice squints and looks off into space.

"At the moment I can't see anything in the long term for any of us," she finally says. "Whatever decisions that she would make in the future, based on the decision that he makes all of our futures disappear. But don't ask me why."

Daddy nods.

"I can see what Alice is seeing, essentially nothing, which is odd," he says. "Because you would think that the decision that Renesmee would potentially make could make our futures positive or negative, but not blank. This is unusual, since Alice should at least see our futures flickering as Jacob and Renesmee run through their various options."

"Maybe it's because her decisions are based on his and he doesn't know what he will do?" Carlisle suggests.

"That's possible," says Alice. "I hate being blind, but perhaps because our futures are based on the sequential decisions of two blind spots, things that are just too uncertain for my future vision to hold."

"So where does that leave me?" I ask grumpily.

"Without instant gratification," Daddy says. "I'm sorry to put it this way, but we have only now helped Jacob to both frame his questions and give him the larger range ramifications of his eventual choices to consider. You are right, Renesmee. His choice at this point in his life will have profound effect upon both of your futures. But in the end, the choice must be his."

"So why doesn't he just make up his mind already?" I ask.

"I have made one decision," Jacob says suddenly. "I won't be returning to La Push. In fact, I'm going to call Sam when we get back and tell him that. It's not fair to keep him waiting to make his own future plans. After seeing what kind of a life I can make for myself off the reservation, I realize that I don't want to go back. And at least it takes me another step closer to my final decision."

"Will that impact your ability to phase?" Momma asks.

"No," he says. "But it will impact my compulsion to phase. If I no longer have the need to protect the tribe, it simply means that I have more of a choice about when I do it or even whether I do it. And because I have my anger completely under control, there is no chance that I could be infuriated enough to phase unintentionally."

"That's right," Daddy says. "If you were going to be taunted into phasing up here, it would have been by those punks in the street a while back. I don't think that Jasper really had to give you much help controlling your temper."

"I had to give Emmett more help," Jasper says. "He was pretty darn pissed off."

"Nobody disses my bro and gets away with it," Emmett says proudly. "But that same bro had better not diss my niece. I mean, dude, what part of 'always' don't you understand?"

"I'm starting to understand the time thing better too," Jacob says. "I guess that I really never thought too much about the time thing before. We just throw around words like always and forever like they're nothing. I mean we say that we will be friends forever all the time, but it means something different when you are an immortal."

Carlisle nods.

"I have not lived nearly as long as many vampires," he says. "But over three hundred and fifty years cannot compare with three lifespans. If I am not mistaken, you were referring to Taha Aki earlier. And he lived three 'old man's' lifespans. Correct me if I'm wrong, but would that be about two hundred and fifty years?"

"The legends aren't too specific about stuff like that, which is why they say 'lifespans' instead of years," Jacob says. "They didn't measure years the way that we do today, but that would be about right."

"Well, if you were to ask the Denali sisters about their perception of two hundred and fifty years," he says. "It would seem like a very short time. And because the modern world does not accept the same view of the supernatural world as your tribe does, like us you would be bound to a semi-nomadic existence."

"Doesn't that ever get boring?" Jacob asks.

"For you it would be less so," explains Daddy. "If you develop a career based on some kind of mechanics or technology, with your present state of age, you would need to alternate between working and going back to school to upgrade your skills. You are luckier than we are, because your career will evolve even if you don't age. We just keep going to school over and over again."

"That's why I told you that you were lucky," adds Jasper.

"Yeah, I guess I am," Jacob says thoughtfully. "But I guess that I'm still hung up on the wolf phasing thing to keep myself immortal. I feel like I can only handle one thing at a time. Phasing, well, it's just kind of uncomfortable."

"Is that all?" Emmett asks.

"I don't know," he says. "I really don't know. But how would you like to feel this enormous surge of heat and energy ripple through your boys, making you so large that you literally burst out of your clothes, and then turn into a huge dog?"

"Actually," Emmett says. "That sounds kind of cool."

"Only when you don't have to go through it," Jacob mutters.

This is getting me nowhere. I know that Carlisle said that this wasn't all about me, but I still feel like there's something else that he isn't talking about that's kind if important. And it is about me.

Daddy, please ask him if he still loves me. Ask him if he's still my Jacob?

Daddy looks back at me sympathetically. He knows what I've been thinking the whole time and what Jacob is avoiding.

"Jacob, please," Daddy says. "You still have not answered Renesmee's original question. Do you still love her with the same degree of love and devotion as you pledged to her the first time you saw her and imprinted?"

Thank you, Daddy.

Jacob is very quiet. I don't like this. How hard is it for him to just say yes? What is there for him to think about? Finally he looks up at me.

"I'm sorry, Renesmee," he says. "I am feeling conflicted, but it's not what you think. I love you more than anything else in the world. I left behind my tribe and my people for you. There is a very strong part of me that is drawn to follow you wherever you go. I don't see how that can ever change."

I take a huge sigh of relief. This is the Jacob that I have known all my life. This is my Jacob.

"I hear a 'but' coming," says Emmett ominously.

"I don't know if it's a but," Jacob says. "It's just that I've never really given too much thought to the whole immortality thing. And I guess that I am not sure anymore of what a normal human is."

"I don't think that there's any such thing," Momma says drily. "In my short human experience, it would be hard to classify anyone that I ever met as normal."

Daddy laughs.

"I've read tens of thousands of minds," he says. "And it kind of depends on how you define normal. Humans, like vampires, are very individual. And I have always found that the happiest humans aren't those that strive to be 'normal,' but rather, those that accept themselves as they are and be themselves."

"Wow, bro!" Emmett says. "That's deep!"

"Deep or not," Carlisle says. "It's logical. Identity is a very personal thing. If you try to carve it out of other people's expectations for you, than you can be very unhappy. Unless of course, it is in your nature to have the same expectations of yourself."

"I'm no philosophical genius," Jacob says. "But I kind of get that. I mean, I just broke free of the tribe's, not to mention my Dad's, expectations of me. And I feel like I'm only starting to discover my own expectations of me. But it's hard because I feel like I should be starting from a clean slate."

"As in denying your wolf-nature?" Daddy asks. "That's a mistake."

"Huh?" Emmett says. "I'm not getting it."

"That's because you have never been burdened by any of the complex things that Jacob has," Daddy explains. "From the moment that I was first able to read your thoughts, you have always accepted yourself as you are. That is your nature. The only thing that caused you anxiety when you were turned was what would happen to your family when you left. But that was mostly an expectation that you placed on yourself."

"Yeah, I guess so," he answers. "But you took care of that for me, bro. I'll never forget it."

"What did he take care of?" Jacob asks.

"You never heard the story?" Carlisle asks. "When Edward learned that Emmett had been the sole breadwinner for his family, he arranged to drop a large sum of money at their front door one night. Then he made sure that the family got it."

"I could hear the thoughts in that house," Daddy continues. "They were very upset because all the evidence was that Emmett had been killed by a grizzly. That was true, except that Rosalie had brought him to Carlisle to turn.

"They weren't worrying about how they would manage without him to provide for their needs. But they accepted his loss as one of the risks one takes when one relies on hunting for food. They were upset because they had lost their son and big brother, someone they loved very much."

"How did they feel when they found the money?" Jacob asks.

"Grateful," Daddy says smiling. "They didn't question its appearance. They simply looked at it as divine providence taking care of them. We checked on them from time to time, but there was never another need to intervene. They did well enough on their own."

"Whoever we are in our previous life, and this is the same for humans as well as vampires," says Carlisle. "Follows us through the various stages of our lives. Who we have been, shapes who we become. That is why I became a physician, because I have compassion for human suffering. But nobody ever moves from one, excuse the expression, phase of his life to the next by getting a clean slate."

"I did," Alice says. "And until I finally found out who I really was and where I came from, it always felt like there was something missing. Even though you are choosing to leave the Quileutes behind, at least you know what role they had in shaping your life. You can leave your wolf-nature behind, but I hate to tell. You have to realize what else you are leaving behind."

"Meaning my immortality?" Jacob asks.

"And not just that," Alice nods. "And that is why Renesmee does have a right to know how much you are taking your future with her into your choice. In this case, saying that you love her more than anything in the world isn't enough. You are being called upon to prove it. If you leave behind your wolf self, you leave behind your immortality. And in leaving that behind, you are leaving Renesmee, if not today, then at some point in the future."

"Yes," Carlisle says. "And I'm afraid that I was too ready to not try and pressure you into making a snap decision. However, as you search your soul for what you really want in life, you need to take her anxiety into account. Like it or not, this is not just about your happiness. It's about hers as well."

"I can see that now," Jacob says. "I'm sorry, Renesmee. I didn't mean to make you so unhappy. I'm still confused as hell, but that's because I love you so much and I'm trying to square the rest of my life with that. But at least you know that my choice isn't between you and the tribe anymore. I'm just trying to figure out the rest."

"He really is," Daddy says nodding. "But I think that he now has a much clearer idea of what he needs to think about. Is that right, Jacob?"

"Yeah, it is," he says.

We are all silent as the fire crackles low in front of us. I notice that while we have been talking, the sun has set. I know that it's colder, but I just don't feel it. The sky is clear and the stars are twinkling at me. The Big Dipper is completely over my head. Suddenly, I hear a crash and see sparks flying away from the fire. Emmett grins because I am startled.

"Sorry, kid," he says, as he steps back from where he just dumped another pile of wood. "But the fire was getting too low."

"You're not sorry," Daddy says amiably.

"Tattletale," Emmett grumbles, but he's really not mad.

"Why don't we walk further out into the dark?" Daddy says to Momma and me. "I saw in the paper earlier that we are due for some northern lights tonight."

One of the coolest things about living in the Yukon (other than the weather) is that on the same page as the weather forecast, there is a forecast for the northern lights based on the sun spot activity. We have already seen them a couple of times. It's one of the advantages of living in a place with low population density, less ground light pollution.

Daddy, Momma, and I walk away from the campsite at human speed. I can't see nearly as well as they can in the dark, but I trust them not to let me trip. When we are far enough away that there is no light and we can't be heard, we sit down on the ground. Once again, it's probably cold but I don't notice it. We are quiet for a long time before we see a flicker of green near the edge of the western horizon.

It's difficult to describe the northern lights to someone that has only see pictures. A photograph simply captures a brief second in time, but the lights never stop moving. They almost seem like a fire, but they are more translucent and seem to shift from side to side.

"Look!" I say pointing up. "There's some pink!"

"It's going to be a great show tonight," Daddy says. "Look how broadly they cover the sky!"

"Fantastic!" Momma says.

I know that they are keeping their comments to a minimum for my sake. Their vampire eyes can capture much more of the lights than mine can. I heard Momma talking to Daddy once when we were in Alaska visiting about how much more spectacular they were in real life than in pictures. He explained that that was because of the limitations of the human camera, as well as human eyes. Human eyes could see the movement, but not the full spectrum.

I don't know how long we sat there looking up, because all of the sudden, I was awake and lying in my sleeping bag in my tent. I must have fallen asleep while we were watching and they carried me back. On the other side of the canvas, I can hear Jacob snoring, or sawing logs as Daddy calls it. I can hear voices murmuring nearby, but I can't catch the words.

I think about the long day that I had yesterday and how much I learned about Jacob. I'm feeling confused about a lot of things myself. When we're out here, away from the humans, things feel a lot different. When I'm playing my human role, I feel very different than I do now. I don't feel like such a little girl when it's just the family and I.

I'm glad that Jacob has decided not to go back to La Push. But mostly I'm glad because it's for his own sake and not just mine. In the back of my mind, I was always scared that if he picked me over the Quileutes that someday he would regret it. It just seems weird that he wouldn't want to be immortal. I mean, I've never even considered what it would be like not to be immortal. It's just a part of who I am. I don't have a choice.

But Jacob does, I guess. I have a feeling that he's not telling me everything. I can't tell if that's bad or good. All I can do is take comfort in the fact that he loves me just as much as he ever did. Because if he does, then it don't see how he could ever leave me.