Chapter 7

"and if you're in love then you are the lucky one. cause most of us are bitter over someone."

Junior Year: 20-21

Going back to Penn State three weeks ahead of schedule was the easiest decision Peeta Mellark has ever made in his twenty years of life. If Katniss wasn't in Panem, what was really there for him?

He had a handful of friends who were staying the duration of break. His family was there and the bakery was in need of some help. But when his coach had called him last week to ask him to come back, ask him to come in to help train the new freshman coming in, it hadn't taken much convincing at all.

All the football he had been playing in the weeks he'd been back was quite the distraction, not really giving him any time whatsoever to think about Katniss who was miles and miles away doing god-knows-what.

He had to admit, she was making more of an effort this time around; taking time to call him whenever she had time off, actually going back to Panem for a few days to see him towards the end of his visit. She always texted him when she woke up and when she went to bed.

Katniss was making up for the fact she left him hanging all summer.

He tried not to blame her. He really did.

...

There's bits and pieces in the school paper about Peetas possibility of having a shot in the NFL come next year; entering the draft before he's supposed to and actually making it, beating out some of the quarterbacks from all around the nation who had waited out their college careers.

His coaches agree. They don't advise him or tell him anything that will get them into trouble with the NCAA, but they hint to it, talk to him in private, make snide comments in the huddles or at the end of practices. They believe in him.

Everyone believes in him.

...

Peeta realizes his parents are struggling for money a few weeks into school. Of course, they don't say anything directly. But no one really speaks to Peeta directly much anymore.

"Cancer isn't cheap, Peeta," Rye tells him on the phone the day when Peeta finally finds the courage to ask. He knew that. But the Mellark's hadn't had to to pay a single dime for any type of college education. The business was always stable when the boys were growing up, their parents having a good lump some of money from their own personal funds as well.

They never wanted for anything. Not that they were really wanting now.

The thought puts a knot in Peeta's stomach. His parents who sent him money every month. He never had a worry about where the money was coming from until now.

Peeta would never ask his father about it. No man ever wanted to be questioned on wether or not they had money to spend but as he stares at the check in his hands, the one with more zeros than he really needs, he knows sooner or later he'll have to ask his father to stop sending them.

He has the money from his savings that he's never had to touch. Surely that has piled up. That should be able to hold him off for a few years if he needed it to. Until he could find a job.

A job...

...

"I wouldn't lie to you and say I've never given it any real thought."

Seated in the coaches office, Peeta's hands shake, producing an unhealthy amount of sweat as he waits for his coaches to talk, to make a move, to even look away from him. It seems they'd all been sitting in uncomfortable silence for hours but really, it had only been a couple of minutes. Peeta with his hands in his lap. His coaches with scowls on their faces.

"I'm 100% committed to making this season the best yet," Peeta repeats again. "I just want to take a good look at my options for the year after."

Still silence.

"I just-"

"Well, we can't say we didn't see this one coming, can we, John?"

...

When he wakes the next morning, it's with a sour taste in his mouth. Not just from falling asleep the night before without brushing his teeth but from the news he will have to tell his friends, his family.

Finnick and Thresh will be the firsts. Because they are here and, though he tries not to dwell on it too much, will be the only ones to really feel the direct impact of his decision.

Katniss next because she always seems to bring him peace, mellow out the sickness in his stomach and talk him through anything and everything. He has yet to tell her about his parents "issues" if that's what you could call them. It seemed silly to talk to her about money issues.

She would understand if anyone understood but then again, she wouldn't. Because the Mellark's weren't really struggling. Not in the sense that anything would be gone in a matter of days or rent would go unpaid. They were struggling in the sense that maybe the boys could go without three Christmas presents this year and maybe they'd have to skip the weekend down at their grandparents over Memorial Weekend. Rich kid struggling, that's all it was.

Who was he to be complaining about money to someone who had spent most of her life fighting for scraps of food? But the last thing Katniss was was judgmental.

The last people to tell would be the hardest people to tell.

His family.

His father will be heartbroken, Peeta is sure of it. His mother won't care, maybe the drugs make her that way, maybe the ice inside of her heart, Peeta didn't know. His brothers would be envious and that thought alone made him want to crawl into a ball and hide for the rest of his life.

He'd never meant to take his brothers dreams away from them. And he hadn't really even been the one to take them away; circumstance had.

But it would all be worth it when Peeta could pay off the house for his parents. Then the bakery. Then whatever the hell his brothers needed and whatever the hell Finnick and Thresh wanted and then he could buy Katniss the world.

Money wasn't everything, he knew that. But it was a lot.

...

It's at breakfast almost a week later that he brings it up, looking to his friends for support, not so much guidance. But as it turns out, that's what he gets.

"Don't be stupid, man," Thresh says, shoveling the little bit of oatmeal he has left into his mouth, shaking his head from side to side.

"You of all people," Finnick retorts, leaning back in his chair to get a good look at his friend. His best friend who for the first time in over fifteen years has truly surprised him. "I would've thought you would have been the one to ignore the money calling."

"Shut up, assholes," Peeta curses, throwing pieces of his toast at his friends. "My parents are kind of struggling for money right now and I-"

"Struggling for money? Is that why a check of almost four hundred dollars ended up in my hand just this afternoon," Finnick interrupts, rolling his eyes.

"Peeta, your parents aren't going to rely on you to pay for anything," Thresh says. "The thought probably makes your dad sick."

Peeta shakes his head. "You guys don't understand. That's what they think. When I'm able to take care of everything, they'll understand why I'm doing this."

"No, they won't," Finnick mummers. "Peeta, bud, I just really want you to think this one out. I think you've had better ideas."

"It's the NFL, Finn. It's the dream."

"But is it your dream?"

Boy, was that the question of the year.

...

Katniss yells at him for an hour when he mentions it, having the same reaction to his statement as his best friends did.

This plants the seed in his mind that, maybe, he wasn't making the right decision.

"Peeta, you've got a year left in college. You're telling me you don't want to finish?" She scolds. He can just imagine her now. Red faced and scowling.

"Katniss, c'mon. It's not like I'm dropping out. This is a once in-"

"I get that, Peeta. But you're going to be in your senior year of college! You've made it to the home stretch might as well push yourself!" He feels like he's being chastised, like a small child who needs direction in everything he does. But maybe he needed a little parental guidance and he wasn't getting too much of that from his actual parents at the time. So he listens.

"I don't want to let anyone down. I'm just not sure I'm helping anyone doing what I'm doing. I should be home, with my brothers, trying to figure this thing out with the rest of my family. Not here, still trying to live out some childish dream, you know?"

He can no longer harbor the guilt he's been holding on to for so long. Guilt about his brothers and dying mother and hurting father being so far away while he gets to live out his dreams, have fame and fortune. He's in no way leaving them behind but that's what it feels like.

"No one is asking you for anything, Peeta. You're putting this on yourself," she whispers. "All this pressure, all this panic, it's all from you. I think maybe you're afraid you're running out of options or maybe just worried that by this time next year, your family won't really be the same."

"You're worried my mom's gonna die and I'm going to feel guilty for not being there," Peeta deadpans. "Is that what you think? Because if it is, that's not what this is. This is me taking care of my family. This is for my family."

"But what about for you, Peeta? Who gets to do things for you?"

...

It's lying in bed, his phone pressed against his ear as he listens to Katniss's snores on the other end that he decides to wait it out. Because God had a way of working things out for the better, didn't he? And Peeta could wait a year. One year. One year left of being nobody but then again being somebody.

He had a year left to figure out what he wanted for him, not for anybody else. And the thought both terrified him and excited him.

...

"So Peeta, what was life like growing up for you? We know your parents owned a bakery and you have two older brothers but what else? What else really defines who you are now?"

It's the fourth interview he's done and the fourth time he's answered the question. All anybody wanted to know was about his goddamn childhood it seemed like. He couldn't get away from it no matter how hard he tried. And believe me, he'd tried.

But still, Peeta smiles and tries to look thoroughly interested in whatever the women is saying next. "You know, a lot defined the person I am now that I can't exactly pinpoint. I feel like a lot of people and a lot of things throughout your life pinpoint who you are now and I wish I could describe every one of them but we might be here all day, Janet, don't you think?"

She smiles, throwing her hair over her shoulder awkwardly. It wasn't the answer she was looking for but it was the only one she was going to get. Despite his growing popularity amongst media outlets, he still wanted to remain as poised and private as possible. He didn't want to make a skeptical out of himself, he didn't need to. He played football. That was all.

He concludes his interview with a friendly shake and a three second greeting the radio station will play on loop in between commercial breaks. When they stop the take, Janet heaves deeply, downing the remainder of her water bottle which didn't look too much like water anymore. "I'll tell you kid, I don't know what kind of speech consolers they give you guys here but you all sound like fucking robots, every single one of you."

I shrug my shoulders. "I could say the same thing about you. Every radio personality and TV anchor asks me the same ten questions on repeat. We may sound like robots but I guess we just get used to the same questions."

Janet doesn't seem too offended and just flicks her wrist as if banishing the conversation. And that was fine because Peeta was tired and wanted to get back to his dorm to sleep before his math class.

Yes. Even Peeta Mellark still had to go to class.

...

Going to class during football season was a very, very hard thing to do.

Especially when you were having as good of a season as Peeta was under the Penn State program. They were back. The program was back and better than ever and it was all because of one blonde haired, blue eyed quarterback from the middle of nowhere.

Despite the tremendous amounts workouts and the tiredness he felt day in and day out, it was a struggle to ignore the stares around the room as he sat in the lecture hall or the way everyone would jump at the opportunity to work with him on group projects. It was overwhelming, suffocating, and he didn't enjoy it nearly as much as you would think.

So about a week ago, he just stopped going to class despite already his low attendance rate. Peeta had always enjoyed school but this was different. This wasn't what he was used to. Before, back home, he wasn't a zoo animal on display.

And he didn't need this. He was going to the NFL after graduation and, if that didn't work, he would go back home, work at the bakery, take it over and let his brothers do whatever the hell they want. He'd go back home to Katniss and they'd live happily ever after. To him, that was all that mattered.

It isn't a week later that he gets a call from his mother, angry about his report card that had just come in the mail. "Failing, Peeta? Failing? Who in the world is teaching you these things? You know better than to shame our family name by failing a class!"

"I didn't fail mom," Peeta whispers. He'd made sure of that. After all, the coming up game was an important one and the last thing Peeta wanted to do was have to sit out. "I passed, just not with a grade as high as you like. I'll do better next time."

"Damn right you will!"

She hangs up the phone.

...

In the last game before Thanksgiving break, Peeta throws ten touchdowns, a record high at Penn State.

He gets a plaque and everything.

...

Panem is frozen solid when his plane touches the ground, their plane loosing grip for half a second before resting atop the ice. It's beautiful. A winter wonderland a month too early but nevertheless spectacular. He missed home.

He's the first one off the plane, hauling ass to the baggage claim where he knows she'll be waiting, bags in hand, smile on her beautiful face. It's been four months since he's seen Katniss and the waiting has drove him to insanity. All he wants to do is sink into her and never leave.

Peeta ignore the stares he gets as he migrates to her. It's like he can sense her, feel her all around him. He knows she's close, he just knows it. A few people recognize him but not too many. He's ignored for the most part.

As he's coming down the escalator, Finnick on his heels, he sees her. Bundled between a Penn State hoodie which used to belong to him and a knitted hat Prim made her one year for Christmas. She's beautiful and flushed and tiny beneath all her winter gear, waving her arms excitedly as I make my decent down the steps. Annie is with her, looking just as excited.

She pulls him into her arms before the two have a moment to think. She presses Peeta into her warmth and he knows, despite everything, he is home.

Peeta listens to the beat of her heart and takes in the soft smell of her and feeling her dark hair slip through his fingers as he combs through it softly. Perfect. She is perfect. How could he have survived so long without her?

Her lips are on his without another moment to spare and they lose each other in the bask of the airport. Finnick gags and Annie mocks them but they don't care because it's been too long. "I love you," she whispers against his mouth. It's different, a different tone, but Peeta doesn't question it. "I missed you. Oh god, I missed you."

"This can wait, you guys," Thresh says loudly. No wonder he's bitter. Johanna is nowhere to be found. "I would really like to get my ass home and mack on my own girlfriend so let's get this thing going."

Katniss smiles up at Peeta, pushing hair from his face. She laces her fingers through his and together, they walk.

...

They go straight to Cato's house because the party he's having is said to be the best one yet or so they've heard. Everybody who's anybody in Panem or around it is invited, made to come out and drink their lives away like the gang used to do in high school. Peeta is, for the first time in a long time, really excited.

Being on such close watch at Penn, he can't really remember a time within the past three years that he's gotten drunk. At least, not the way he used to in high school in the basement of his childhood home. He can't remember the last time he's had anything more than the one beer they're allowed every three days.

So as he downs his third shot of tequila, he's feeling pretty buzzed. Finnick screams loudly next to him, Thresh hanging on his other side, Katniss watching with an amused smirk as she sits next to Madge Undersee, nursing a drink in her hand. I wink at her.

She slinks her way up Peetas' body, suddenly, pulling him away from his friends and the interesting game of beer pong happening, sprinting up the stairs to a separate room in the main part of Cato's house. She sits him on the bed, smoothing his hair back with her long fingers.

"I think you've had enough to drink tonight, Peeta, don't you?" She coos, moving to the buttons on his shirt and pulling them away one by one until he's left without one. Peeta smiles slightly. "Lay down."

Never being able to deny her anything, he does willingly, looking up at the patterned ceiling in Cato's guest room, wondering how on earth he ever got so lucky. Not just with sex either. But that was always a plus.

He hears zippers and the next thing he knows, he's free of his pants as well, lying all but naked atop the comforter. He cranes his neck to look at Katniss but can't find her. "Baby, come up, I wanna see you," he slurs. He hears her giggle.

"I like it down here and I think you do to," Katniss teases, outlining the shape of Peeta with her index finger. He stiffens under her touch and groans. He's missed this. Boy, oh boy, has he missed this. "Keep your hips still."

Peeta does as he's told and stiffens, waiting impatiently as he hears her own zipper and then some shuffling, all tell-tell signs he's about to be greeted with his favorite thing in the world: a naked Katniss. He closes his eyes and waits for it.

A second later he feels her tongue running up and down his shaft slowly, careful to hit all the spots that turn him to jelly. Peeta moans loudly and tangles his hand in her hair, pulling her closer as she fully takes him in, her cheeks hollowing. Perfect. She's perfect.

He starts to feel a pull in his belly another ten minutes in and has to pull her away. It's too much and as lovely as getting a blow job is, he has other plans for her now. It's been four months of nothing but his hand and he needs to inside Katniss tonight.

She doesn't look too upset and sits back on her heels, bare breast swinging in front of her as she does so, perfect in all walks of life. Peeta reaches behind him above his head, searching for his wallet, because even drunk he knows better than to skip the condom. They hadn't really talked about the pregnancy scare all that much but they'd both felt more comfortable using them again. He shakes his heads of the thoughts.

"Let me do it," Katniss purrs, licking up and down his chest, taking the foil packet from beneath his fingertips and scaling her fingernails over his exposed skin. Once the rubber is securely on, she rocks above him, a smile on her face, fire in her eyes. Peeta would never grow tired of this look.

They both groan in unison as she buries herself down on his cock, moaning loudly as he begins the slow motions, rocking his hips back and forth in the rhythm he knows she loves until her head is thrown back in ecstasy, crying out for more. More, more, more, she always wanted more and he would give it to her.

"Fuck, that feels good, Peeta," she moans, lifting her arms to propel herself down with more force. It did feel good. It felt great. But Peeta knew he was too drunk to respond the way he so desperately wanted to. So he focused on her. Swiveling his hips, rotating them in a way that had her screaming, pinching the nerves at the apex of her thighs. Three more thrust and she's shattered over the edge, panting against his chest as she tries to find herself again.

She starts to move her hips lazily but Peeta stops her with slow kisses on her neck. As good as it feels, tonight just isn't the night for him. If only he'd thought it out a little more and had opted out of the final shot of tequila. "It's okay, Katniss," he mutters, his eyes closing as her soft breaths wash over him. "I'm too drunk. I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't."

"I should have brought you up here earlier," she whispers. He can tell sleep is already edging her on as well. She's falling just as quickly as he is. "But you were having fun with your friends and I didn't want to pull you away from that."

"There's no one in this world I want to be with but you, Katniss." He wasn't sure he was just talking about friendship. No, he knew he wasn't talking just about friendship. Because there was no one made for him the way Katniss Everdeen was made for him, he was sure of it. He'd spend the rest of his life revolving around her.

She was his sun and he was nothing but a helpless moon.

...

He spends Thanksgiving in the hospital.

His mother has come down with a nasty cold, one she's not easily recovering from, so the whole family, dressed head to toe in scrubs and masks, is stuffed into the small room, chinese food passed around by the boys while his mother snacks quietly on her ice chips. It's the only thing she can stomach.

Truthfully, he'd been avoiding his mother since returning home. The last thing Peeta wanted was to feel anything for her, not when she was so close to meeting her end. Rye and Wheaton had assured him she'd grown a heart or at least the ice surrounding it had melted some. And if that was true, he didn't want to be around for it.

As sad as it was, he liked his mother distant and cold. It made the whole ordeal a lot easier.

...

"You really didn't have to make us anything," Prim says for the millionth time, finishing off the last bit of cheese buns Peeta has brought by earlier in the morning. A warm smile crosses her features. "But I'm really fucking happy you did, Peeta."

"Primrose," Katniss calls loudly from her room. Peeta smiles and Prim laughs but when she comes bounding down the stairs two seconds later, their actions still and they look to her with wide eyes. "Don't undermine me in front of her, Peeta. She shouldn't be speaking like that to anyone!"

He blushes under her scrutiny but Prim only scoffs, rolling her eyes. "Jesus Christ, Katniss, it's Peeta. Not the Queen of England. I'm sure his precious little ears have heard a lot worse from you in the heat of the moment. I know I have."

With that she leaves the room, not looking back once as she softly closes her door at the top of the stairs. Katniss stands with her mouth wide open, hands on her hips, staring at Peeta almost comically as he tries to think of something to say. But instead he laughs because it's really fucking funny.

"I don't know what you find funny, Peeta! My sister - my little fucking sister - just made a reference to our sex life! Our sex life!" She screams, pulling at her hair and stomping around the living room.

Peeta huffs. "Oh c'mon, Katniss. She's in high school. She knows what sex is, let it be. I'm sure in a year or two, hell maybe sooner, she'll be entering her own in terms of-"

"Don't you dare say it. Don't you dare," Katniss says, rubbing her temples with the pads of her fingers. He's happy in this moment he escaped all this shit in terms of having a younger sibling. No need to worry about who they were shacking up with behind closed doors. Hell, his brothers bragged to him about it. But maybe it was a boy thing. "Do you think she's having sex? With Rory, I mean. Do you think I need to have a talk with her? We need to have a talk with her?"

"We? When did I get thrown into this?" Peeta asks, scowling. He looked at Prim like a sister but the last thing - the very last thing on this earth - he wanted to do was have to talk to her about sex. Especially sitting next to his girlfriend who also happened to be her sister.

"She loves you, Peeta!" She says, sitting next to him on the couch, occupying where Prim once sat. "She'll probably listen to you more than she'll listen to me. Because even though I'm twenty years old, I still have no idea what I'm talking about. You get how that is, don't you?"

He shrugs, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into the crook of his neck, entranced in the smell of her hair and the softness of her skin. "I think you should let her do what she wants and if she comes to you for advice, you give it to her," he whispers against her temple. "I get that your mom isn't around too much but she is your mom. Prim doesn't need you to take on that role, not at this point in her life. She needs a sister that'll be there for her and take her shopping and talk to her about boys but only when she's ready."

"But you don't understand," Katniss whispers, her voice heavy with emotion. Peeta pulls away to find her crying, pushing tears away with the palm of her hand. She always got this way talking about her mom. "My mom wasn't there for me, I'm not letting that happen to Prim. I get that she was sick and stuff with dad but still. She missed out on a very big part of my life, a part where I needed my mom, and I won't let that happen to Prim. She deserves more than that."

"It won't," he says. "Prim has so many people here that care about her. Nothing will ever happen. Not as long as my dad and brothers are here, I promise. She's a good kid, Katniss. Give her the chance to show you how good she can be. I promise you'll be amazed."

"You're gonna be a great dad one day, you know that, right?"

Peeta kisses her temple.

...

He gets the call at three the next day. Well, Finnick gets the call that is directed towards all of them and all Peeta knows how to do is blindly follow.

"Coach wants us back on campus tomorrow. Mandatory work out in the weight room, then weigh in, then a full pad practice," Finnick explains, his eyes glassy, lost. "Says he's sorry for the inconvenience on all of us but he needs us ready for the bowl game next week and we need to start preparing now. Says if we're not there, we sit."

The boys groan in unison, Cato and Marvel sitting on the soaked grass, looking up at them with lost expressions.

"They can't just do that, can they?" Thresh argues, already getting to his feet. "They can't give us one day to come back and expect us all to be there."

"It's a big program," Marvel says quietly, suddenly on the outside of everything. "If you're not there, there are fifty other boys ready to replace you. That's just how it works in the big leagues guys."

He was right, of course. Though no one said it, the only one who could really get away with not going back so soon was Peeta. But that was just because it'd be a pain to replace him and, without him, they surely wouldn't win.

"Plane tickets are going to cost my life savings, man," Thresh grunts. Finnick and Peeta eye him uncomfortably. Even with the full ride, the poor boy struggled for money in every aspect. A ticket bought this late would cost easily around five hundred dollars.

"We got you, man, don't worry," Finnick says, throwing an elbow into Peeta's side. He nods. Of course they got him. What were friends for.

"I don't need your charity, it's just a real fucking inconvenience, like they said," he snaps, turning away from his friends and trudging back up the hill towards their parked cars. No one follows him but awkwardly stand.

Peeta huffs and follows after sadly. He knows where he has to go.

...

He knocks on Katniss's window for three minutes before she finally answers, a mask on her face, her hair thrown back in a loose braid. She's wearing those tiny pajama shorts she favors, no bra under her tank top. Peeta gulps.

"Hey stud," she greets, leaning in to kiss him. "I wasn't expecting to see you today. To what do I owe the honor?" His hands clam and something in his face must give him away. Katniss leans into the doorway slowly, her face twisted in confusion. "Is everything okay, Peeta? Is it your mom? Is she-"

"I have to go," he whispers. She cocks an eyebrow. "I have to go back to Penn tomorrow. I can't stay the next ten days, they want us back now."

She gulps heavily, her eyes moving from his face to the floor to her hands and then back again. He knows just what she's feeling. He felt it all just this summer when she had been the one to leave him. Maybe this was karma. The bad kind of karma that just hurt both people. "How long have you known?"

"An hour, maybe," Peeta says. "I went to the house to pack my bag and then to the hospital to say goodbye to my family and then here. Finnick is picking me up from my house in about an hour or so. Football thing."

Katniss rolls her eyes mockingly, tears spewing from the corners, slipping down her face and crawling down her neck as she fights to keep them in check. But it's no use. Not now. Peeta takes a step towards her but she takes a step back. The front door closes behind him but he doesn't get the sense he's very welcome.

"Don't be mad, Katniss," he whispers. "This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my stupid fucking coaches who don't care about our personal lives only the football aspect of-"

"I've heard it all before, Peeta, thanks," she bites, turning her back to him and making her way up the stairs, her steps loud and so unlike her that he knows she's doing it on purpose. He takes a deep breath and follows her until heir both in her room, door shut behind them.

"Katniss, I don't know what you want me to say," he says, grabbing ahold of her arm to stop her from moving any further away. He doesn't know he'd be able to stomach it if she did. "I'm sorry."

He'd known she'd be upset but he hadn't known to what extent. Katniss wasn't a crier but she wasn't a screamer but she didn't hide all of her feelings inside of her. She was open with what she liked and what she hated but now, she was being so closed off, so far away. She was a million miles off and Peeta couldn't pull her to shore.

"This is just so frustrating," she says mostly herself.

"What is?" Peeta says, his anger slowly rising. "I get that it's frustrating, Katniss, but give it another three weeks and we'll both be back for Christmas break. Or are you planning on bailing out for that one to?"

"Don't do that, Peeta," she hisses, angry. Her arms cross over her chest as she comes face to face with him, breathing his air. Her anger only builds his own and before he knows it, he sees red. "Don't you dare guilt me for trying to work for something that I believe in when all you do-"

"You think this isn't what I want either?" Peeta yells over her. "I'm doing this all so we can have a good life when we come out of this. So you can buy all the land you want and shoot your goddamn arrows and put Prim through med school! I'm doing this so you and I can have a life after!"

The implications of his words set in on her a second to late and her eyes widen under his declaration. "Don't you dare make this sound like something I want!" Katniss challenges. "I love you, Peeta, but the last thing I ever remember saying was that I wanted to be your damn trophy wife! I can be successful all on my own and put Prim through med school all by my-"

"But you shouldn't have to, that's the point!" He snaps. "I'm not telling you you have to be anything. I'm just saying I'm willing to work for those things to make them available if and when you want them! And making them available means going back to school and doing whatever I need to do there!"

"I'm not mad at you for going off to school and having a great fucking life over there! If that's what you think I'm mad about, you're wrong!" She sighs deeply, pulling away and crossing the room, far away from him. The anger leaves him. It leaves her too. "I'm not even mad, Peeta. I'm just really frustrated."

"Life is hard," Peeta agrees without second thought. Katniss nods her head slowly. "I love you, okay? I don't mean to yell but it's just as frustrating for me as it is for you. I feel like you forget that sometimes and make me out to be the insensitive one."

"And I think you blame me," she whispers, finally looking at him. Her tears have dried. "I think you blame me for being so far away and I kind of blame myself too. I know you love me but I don't know if you love me enough."

Peeta shakes his head rapidly. "Don't ever say that, Katniss," he says confidently. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You're it for me."

She looks as if she wants to say more. But instead she reaches up on her toes and places her lips on his cheek, giving him one long lingering kiss.

She pulls away and walks into the bathroom she and Prim share, the lock alerting him that she is gone, closing herself off, at least for now.

Her lips burn on his cheek and, for some reason, he feels like it's a different kind of goodbye.

...

The car ride to the airport is a long one and as Finnick and Thresh chat excitedly about getting back to school, he sits numbly in the back, picking at his fingernails and watching Panem disappear into oblivion behind him.

Already, he misses it. In a way, it weakens him. He's ashamed of how hard it is for him to leave, how much anxiety he feels having to do it. He should be like his friends and be happy to see it go. He should be happy to escape.

He should be but he wasn't.

Because Katniss was there and nothing really mattered other than that simple fact.

...

Football lags on for hours and hours on end when Peeta returns back to college. It feels as if he doesn't have a moment to himself.

He wakes up, goes to breakfast, goes to the weight room, practices, goes to class, practices, goes to one more class (which he's failing), practices privately with one of the quarterback coaches, and then, finally, around midnight retires to his room only to wake up in six hours to do it again.

"I'm sure there is a rule against this much hard labor," Finnick groans, throwing his body down onto the coach and sinking into the couch cushions. He lets out a loud yelp, one of joy, and closes his eyes as he relishes in the feeling. Thresh and Peeta go to their individual rooms without another word.

Peeta's phone rings in his pockets, just as he's shrugging off his sweaty close and climbing into a pair of new ones. He doesn't take the time to check it. He doesn't have the energy to. He lets his head fall slowly onto the pillow and sleep takes him right under.

...

He tries to make time to call Katniss between his privates, always around four o'clock in the afternoon, sometimes five, never later than six. The conversations are short and sweet and lately strained but nevertheless, the both are trying to make the relationship work.

They were really, really trying. Wether they were succeeding, they couldn't say, not yet. The fight that happened over break never really settled, just went to being forgotten. Not forgotten but misplaced. Peeta didn't want to dwell on things she said when she was upset and she didn't want to listen to the promises he'd made when he was under the same influence.

But neither Peeta nor Katniss could deny the simple fact that things were different. They didn't laugh as long or as hard. The few texts they sent were nothing extraordinary. They hadn't made time in the past month for anything remotely intimate. Peeta had blamed it on his schedule and Katniss blamed being tired.

It seemed they'd turned into an old married couple at twenty years old.

...

They lose the championship game in the last second. A hail mary shot that cost Penn State their title.

Cameras follow Peeta into the locker room, reporters shouting at him from all angles. He keeps his head down and keeps moving in herds away from everyone around him.

He isn't sad about the loss, just disappointed. He'd given a lot physically and emotionally during the past weeks preparing and it was hard to say it had all been for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing, he knew that. He would make something out of this loss.

As he walks, the only common question he gets is about his return to the next season. In fact, as he walks off the field, the stadium of Penn State fans begin to chant, "One more year! One more year!"

They have nothing to worry about and just before he enters the locker room, he turns slowly to face all the cameras, a smile on his face as he says, "I can't wait to spend one more year here, with my brothers, preparing for our next go around at this championship. We will be back and we will be victorious. Thank you all."

...

"You know, there are worse things in this world than losing a football game. That isn't a reason to drink away your sorrows." He smiles, Prim's voice on the other end of the phone bringing him joy in a moment he really needs it. His team mates were too busy sulking to even notice him in the corner. He'd made the mistake of texting her back, telling her he was a little down about the loss and how he'd be spending his night in. She'd wasted no time calling.

"When you lose the championship, it is," Peeta answers, rubbing his temples. The stress of the day was really weighing him down and he just wanted to go to sleep. But his coach had recommended the team all spend time together so here they were. "I'm not too upset, Prim, just a little disappointed. I was hoping we'd win this thing and be on the top for next year but I mean."

"You got second place, Peeta!" She groans. He can envision her rolling her eyes, a spitting image of Katniss. Of Katniss who hadn't even bothered to call yet. "That counts for something."

Reciting his mother's words, he says, "Second is just the first loser." It's something that had stuck with him always. Mrs. Mellark has told Peeta this since he was young, just starting out in his first soccer league at four years old when they got second place in their league. From that day forward, he vowed never to be second and continued on his life that way. But today proved you can't always be on top.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," she whispers. "Worse things happen to people. There is no reason to sit wallowing in your own self pity for the rest of your days. Go on! Live while you're still young."

"High school has changed you, missy," Peeta jokes. Prim laughs too. "Have you talked to your sister? I called her about an hour ago and she didn't answer."

"The last I heard, she was working on some project for her english class and would be up all night doing that so she's probably still at it, just busy," Prim answers. "You know how Katniss can get. She's a tad bit obsessive so she's probably just concentrated on that."

That's what he would like to believe. It's just not something he's sure he can believe. As close as he and Prim were, Katniss was still her sister, her blood. There was loyalty there he couldn't understand, not even with his own brothers. Their upbringing had brought them to be much closer than anyone could imagine. There was no doubt in his mind Prim would lie for Katniss.

"Yeah, I get it," Peeta says but he can't hide the sadness in his voice. If Prim picks up on it, she doesn't say anything. "Anyway, Prim, I guess I should get going. You know, enjoy being with my team tonight. If you need anything, you'll call, right?"

"Of course," she says. He can hear her smile. "We'll be okay."

For some reason this comforts him in a way no one can understand. He can't stop his own smile. "Yeah, I guess we will, Prim."

"I love you, Peeta, okay?"

"Yeah, love you too, Prim. Get some rest."

...

Annie comes down to visit the week before they head back to Panem for Christmas break. Her small school got out a week earlier and Penn State was on the route home so versus spending a week by herself in their small hometown, she opted to spend it with Finnick, wallowing in each others company.

Peeta really loves Annie but come the second day of her stay, he wishes she'd just gone home. Being in such close quarters in the apartment left very little privacy and the things he heard during the night were enough to make anyone go crazy. But who was he to say anything? Two of his best friends were in love and what kind of monster would he be to deny them happiness and pleasure within their lives?

"Peeta," Finnick says, knocking on the side of his door, peeking his head in. Peeta lifts his own from underneath the covers, his eyes taking a moment to adjust. "We're going to dinner. Get dressed. We're leaving in half an hour."

He groans, slipping from beneath his covers and padding across the cold floor to his bathroom to change before emerging from his room, dressed and ready for whatever the night would bring them. Annie looks hesitant and Finnick chats on the phone. Peeta looks back and forth between the two. Whatever is happening, he hopes she feels a little more comfortable than she did the last time.

"You ready to party?" She jokes, bumping shoulders with him as they stroll through the apartment building, searching for their long lost cars. Peeta can't remember the last time he'd used his. "I'm almost dreading to see what kind of party he's planned tonight."

"He told you he planned a party?" He asks. He looks to Finnick who is shuffling through his keys, car door already open and waiting for Annie. He looks nervous.

"No but what else can I expect from Finnick?" She says. But she isn't mad about it. She smiles. This is the person she fell in love with, no matter how different he may be from her. She appreciates him for it, loves him for it. "I just hope it isn't anything too big. I know he wants me to have a good time and what not but I don't think he understands that I just want to be with him."

Peeta understood perfectly. That's all he wanted from Katniss. He'd be happy with that if he never got another thing for the rest of his life.

Annie stops their movements by placing a hand on his elbow, pulling him to a stop and turning to face him. Her eyes are stern, a lot like his mother's, but calm all the same. "Are you okay? I've been meaning to ask, just because Katniss has mentioned you guys haven't been speaking all that much. I don't know what that means but I hope, whatever it is, you guys are over it and looking to move on."

Looking to move on? Had Katniss been wanting to move on? If so, this was news to him. This was complete news to him. His expression gives something away but Annie quickly retraces her steps. "No, no, no! Not like that. I mean, move forward, you know? Get passed whatever the hell is between you guys right now. Did you fight? Did you-"

"I wouldn't really call it a fight but she was just upset when I had to leave, no big deal," Peeta interrupts, not caring to hear about Katniss all that much anymore and not in the mood to rehash their latest problems. It seemed all they fucking had these days were problems. "It's nothing, Annie. Just hard. I'm sure you can understand. Katniss can't come over here as much as she'd like and there is no way I could go over there with football and everything so it's hard to maintain a relationship."

Annie looks troubled and chews on her hot pink nails. "If it's so hard to maintain the relationship, is it really worth having?"

Peeta stares at her for a long while but before he can answer, Finnick is calling them back, telling them they need to go or they won't make the reservation. Annie gives him a sad smile and loops her arm through his own, pulling him along as they make their way to the car. "Let's go see what kind of surprise party we have in store for us tonight, Mellark."

...

Peeta knows something is wrong - that something is up - when Finnick forces, literally forces, them to get dessert. He knows something is even more wrong when he excuses himself to go to the bathroom for the fifth time.

Peeta follows after him without having to be told, feeling feminine in the moment but knowing his friend needs him. For what, he didn't know. But he leaves Thresh and Annie alone at the table.

When he walks into the bathroom, Finnick is pacing back and forth, his hands on his knees, looking like he's going to vomit at any moment. The other men in the bathroom look worried but make no move to approach. An older gentlemen recognizes the two boys and shakes their hands before taking their pictures. He leaves in a rush after that.

"Finnick, what the fuck is wrong?" Peeta asks when they are, at last, alone. Finnick looks up, his green eyes glossy. Was he drunk? Was he having a stroke? "Finn, look at me. You need to calm down. What is wrong with you right now?"

Without saying a word, he reaches into the pocket of his dress pants and pulls out a leather box. The type of box rings come in. His mouth opens like a fish out of water as he tries to find the right words to say. Nothing comes out.

"I decided some time last month that Annie was the one I wanted to marry," he explains, his hands shaking as he lifts the lid to expose it to Peeta. "Peeta, I really, really love her and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her. I told her parents when I went down for Thanksgiving and that's why they flew her out here early. I didn't tell you guys because I didn't even know for sure I could go through with it until now."

"Why now?" Peeta asks, a scowl on his face. He'd known the two were serious but this was a big step. A big, big step that he didn't know if he could make at twenty. He loved Katniss and wanted to be with her but, for now, that was enough.

"Because she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. And the way she smiles, Peeta, it sets me on fire. I know I'll never be able to love anyone after her. So why not? We're graduating next year. It's time to take the step we've been waiting for, right?"

Peeta can't keep the smile off of his face. He'd never seen this for Finnick, not so soon. But he knew he was ready for whatever marriage was. It wasn't like the two needed to marry tomorrow. They had time but then they didn't and Peeta knew what he meant.

"This is great, Finn," he whispers. He feels emotions rising through him and fights to keep them down. Finnick had enough of his own to run on without him adding to them. So he clapped him on his shoulder, smoothed down his ruffled dress shirt, and just smiled. "I love Annie and I think she will make a great counterpart."

"I'm terrified she'll say no, Peeta," he admits then, running his hands through his hair. "She doesn't like crowds and why in the hell I thought it would be a good idea to propose in the middle of this restaurant, I don't know."

Despite the truth to his words, Peeta pushes aside his worries. Because Annie loves Finnick and Finnick loves her and no matter where he drops to his knee, the answer will be yes, he knows it. "Go. Go get your girl."

With a shy smile, he shoves the ring back into the pocket of his slacks and pushes through the restroom door with a new found confidence. Peeta doesn't follow after him. He waits, fishing his phone from his pocket. No text from Katniss but he sends her one anyway, telling her what's happening before him. She will be happy for them.

He goes back into the dining room just as it happens. Thresh pulls back away from the table, camera phone in hand, following every move with a smile on his face and fist in the air. Finnick sits on his knee, ring in hand, looking at Annie who sits with a hand over her mouth and a smile on her face.

The restaurant is quiet and for a moment, it's the two of them. Just the two of them and Peeta has never seen two people look so in love. Something pulls at his heart strings, reminding him that one day he will be in this spot, looking at the love of his life, the women he will marry, placing a diamond ring on her finger and promising her forever. Promising Katniss forever.

He'd never given serious thought to proposing until now. Peeta was sure he wasn't ready for marriage at the exact moment but within the next two years he would be. If everything went to plan, he'd be in the NFL, a good paying job, a nice home somewhere where he and Katniss could settle. They'd be man and wife, forever joined by the promise of love, just the two of them if that's what she wanted. It wasn't what he wanted per se but it would do. Because that's love. Sacrifices and compromise.

Annie says yes. They hug and kiss and spin and the restaurant applauds. Peeta envelops Annie is a big hug and, awkwardly, does the same to Finnick who pats his back in triumph.

All is well for the Odiar's.

...

The day they come home for Christmas break, the Cresta's throw Finnick and Annie an engagement party that must have been weeks in the works.

People from all walks of life stroll through the house, congratulating the two, toasting the two, ravishing the two in gifts Peeta didn't even know were given. They dine on the finest foods and laugh loudly at adult humor which no one finds funny and listen to hours on end of marriage advice from people who aren't even happy in their own marriages.

Katniss never shows though she promised she would. Well, she hadn't promised Peeta directly but she had promised Annie. She wasn't talking too much to Peeta these days. Stress is what she relates it to. Stress and the pile up of work she's getting from college. He's trying his best to believe her.

"Who would have ever thought we'd see this fucking day so soon, huh," Marvel says, downing his champagne and instantly reaching for another. Mrs. Cresta sends the boys dirty looks but makes no move to stop them. In two months time, they'd all be of age. No use in putting a stop to it now. "Finnick-fucking-Odiar."

"The boy fell in love," Cato responds, shrugging his shoulders. Peeta eyes him carefully. Rumor has it he and Glimmer have been seeing each other. He wouldn't be surprised. "I think it's nice, actually. Annie is the only girl I think he's ever been interested in. And now look. He's marrying the girl."

"It doesn't make you feel old though," Marvel asks. "I feel like we're all growing up so fast. I feel like I should be ready to settle down and start a family and do all this post-college cliche shit but I don't feel the least bit ready for any of it. The thought of spending the rest of my life with someone repulses me. Literally repulses me."

"It's because none of you assholes have ever been in love," Peeta mumbles, both annoyed by the banter of his friends and by his girlfriends absence. "You can't understand wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone because you've never loved anyone. When you do, you'll figure out why it's so important. Don't rush it. It'll come."

Everyone looks uneasy but nods his way.

"Well you're the next chip to fall, aren't you Peeta?"

...

In a moment of anger and desperation he decided he couldn't wait another minute to see Katniss. On his way home, half way up his street, he turns his car around without a second thought and speeds towards the Everdeen home, eyes on the road but driving in auto pilot.

His hands shake on the wheel, his eyes blurry, his breathing uneven. he doesn't know what he'll say to her but he knows whatever it is, it won't be good. She hadn't treated him fairly, why couldn't he do the same? He deserved nothing in the world more than to be mad at her, at least in this moment. Or for however many moments may come.

Her car is parked in the driveway when he pulls up, the room in her light on and behind it, he can see her shadows moving to and from. She had a habit of pacing when she was nervous. What was she nervous about?

Peeta doesn't bother knocking but instead, reaches for the key underneath the mat where he knows it will be. Maybe this is an invasion of privacy but he will be forgiven. Katniss herself had told him where it was in the first place.

Prim sits on the couch, watching TV when he walks in. Her eyes dart over her shoulder quickly, then snap back to meet him when she realizes it's not Ms. Everdeen who's strolled through the door. Her mouth hangs open as she fights for something to say but there is nothing to say and he's halfway up the stairs by the time she gets the notion to call out to him.

Expecting Katniss to be alone, Peeta doesn't bother knocking before pushing open her door, closing it behind him in one swoop. But she isn't alone. Gale Hawthorne sits on her bed, legs folded over one another while she stands in the middle of her room, looking like she'd just been hit by lightening. She stares at Peeta wide eyed, her mouth hanging open, her hands beginning to shake as she registers what the scene in front of her must look like.

Peeta feels nausea creep up on him as his eyes land on Gale. He doesn't look guilty or ashamed to be sitting where he is. Amused is more of the word he'd used. A smug smile on his face that reminds Peeta of all the bad. Was this why all his calls had gone straight to voicemail? Was she spending her time with Gale?

"Peeta," Katniss starts, her voice soft, tears running over her cheeks in soft waves. Peeta forgets about Gale entirely for one moment, turning his head a fraction of an inch to look at Katniss. Her eyes were so grey, so sultry and beautiful. Insistent. Her plump lips were pressed in a thin line, lost to the world as she fought to gain control of her emotions again. A blush fell over her entire body. The body Peeta had grown to know so well.

The person standing before him looked like the girl he loved. She just didn't act too much like her anymore.

"Peeta," she starts again, moving towards him slowly like he was a wounded animal. He flinches, snaking away from her touch and cowering into the shelter of her corner. He felt weak, like a coward, but on the verge of tears, he wanted to be away from Gale.

Gale. No, he didn't want to be away from Gale, he wanted to beat the living shit out of Gale. He wanted him half way across the world, far from his view and far from his girlfriend. But was that even what he could call her anymore?

Without another word, Peeta turns on his heel, his dinner threatening to make a reappearance on the carpet of the Everdeen home, breaking the door handle on Katniss's door as he fights his way out. He throws the piece of brass to the corner.

Prim stands outside the door, ear pressed against the wood, listening but there is no need. There is nothing to say. There is not a thing in this world to say, not right now. Peeta runs down the stairs as fast as his legs can take him. As soon as he feels the cold winter air hit him, he falls to his knees, not able to carry himself any further.

Be a man, he chants to himself. Be a fucking man, Peeta. Be a man. Be a man and walk away with your fucking dignity.

"Peeta!" Katniss yells after him. He can see her shadow getting closer and closer to him and can't will himself to get off the ground, not yet. A cold hand touches his shoulder but he yanks it away. She gasps. "Peeta, are you okay?"

"Get the fuck away from me!" He yells without warning, getting to his feet and moving away from her. He turns around to face her, his eyes staring down at her small frame with all the hate and anger he can muster. "Go with Gale, Katniss, I'm sure he's getting pretty lonely in there."

"I don't know what you're insinuating, Peeta, but whatever it is, I'm sure you're gladly mistaken," she seethes. Was she mad? What the fuck did she have to be mad about?

"You don't get to be mad right now," Peeta says. "You don't get to be mad! I get to be mad! I get to be mad that I just found my fucking girlfriend with her fucking ex-boyfriend! My girlfriend who doesn't even have the decency to pick up the fucking phone and tell me she isn't going to meet me at our best friends engagement party. Or to ask me how my day was. Or to say she got my gifts. Or to thank me for the flowers. My girlfriend who seems to have forgotten I even fucking exist!"

There is nothing Katniss can say to defend herself so she stays quiet, tears rolling down her face, arms crossed uncomfortably. It's all she can do in the moment.

"If that's what you want, Katniss, go fucking get it, how about that?" Peeta snaps, turning around, hands in his pockets, making his way down the driveway, back to his parked car where it sits. He feels the tears coming and wants to get far away before that happens. The last thing he needs is to have a public breakdown.

"Hey," Katniss calls after him. He keeps moving quickly. "Hey! Hey!" Her hand wraps around his elbow and pulls him to a stop before he can get too far. He doesn't turn to face her. Rather keeps his eyes on the ground and traces patterns with his feet. Anything to distract him from the tugging in his heart. "You don't get to walk away in fights."

"But you do? Great logic," he says sarcastically. He, once again, pushes her hands away. "How about you don't fucking touch me, thanks." He's never been so hurtful but he can't find it within himself to care. He'd never been so hurt. Just a few hours ago, he was thinking of marrying this girl. Sure he didn't know the full story but he didn't need to. He saw all he needed to see.

"That's not fair, Peeta, and you know it," she whispers. "Can we go inside and talk about this or maybe to a coffee shop or maybe-"

"There is nothing to talk about," Peeta says. "There is nothing to talk about. But before I go, let me ask you this, are you cheating on me? Is that what this is? Have you been MIA for the past month because you're guilty? Because you're fucking sleeping with-"

"We never slept together, Peeta, don't be-"

"You never slept together," Peeta calls out sarcastically. "You never slept together but what? But what, huh? It was just a kiss? It's just emotional cheating? He's your boyfriend when I'm away, is that it?"

"He came over to talk! That's it! You haven't been the easiest person to talk to in these past weeks and he's been there for me. Believe it or not, he's a very good friend of mine. We did nothing but talk, ever, I swear."

"Well that's more than I'm getting, I'll tell you that," he snaps. Katniss's eyes widen as if he'd hit her. "Why can't you talk to me? Why am I not the person you want to talk to?"

"Because I can't talk to you about these things!"

"About what things?!"

"About the fact that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore!"

There is a moment of silence and Peeta is sure the Earth stood still. Not just for a moment but for a lifetime as he saw his world as he knew it crumble before him in a heap. A heap of broken glass that, no matter how good of glue you had, could never, ever be put back together.

His heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach and, at last, his dinner makes an appearance on the grass. He heaves until everything is released and then some more and then, finally, he sinks to his knees over his vomit and waits for more to come. He doesn't try to hide his tears as they slink down his face.

A part of him knew this was coming but it makes it no easier.

He doesn't ask for an explanation but she offers one anyway. "I don't fit into your life anymore. I think we've been trying to find a place for me for awhile now and I don't think there is one. And as much as I love you and you love me, is there really reason to continuously fight for something that may be unattainable, at least for right now?"

It isn't what he wants to hear but she's right. They are spinning in a million different directions but not one goes with each other. They were the same once but different now and maybe that's why high school romances aren't supposed to last.

"I'm not saying we won't end up together one day," she whispers, coming down to the ground with him, tangling a hand through his hair and wiping away his silent tears. "I'm just saying that right now, you need to do what's best for you and I will do what's best for me. The rest will come and when it does, I'll be waiting for you at the finish line, okay?"

Words fail him so Peeta just nods.

...

He doesn't know how he ends up at Finnick's, honestly, but before he knows it, he's crawling on his hands and knees through their freshly watered grass, snow starting to fall over him. It's beautiful, a fairytale really. He hates it.

Mrs. Odiar finds him, sitting on the front porch, debating wether to knock or not, a cup of tea in her hands. She looks scared but when she speaks, her voice is calming. "Peeta, what are you doing here? Are you hurt?"

He turns to her slowly, his eyes rimmed with red, his hair disheveled. He can't imagine what he must look like now in the state he's in. It was stupid, he realizes now, to drive. He couldn't be trusted.

"It's not your mother, is it?" She asks again. Behind her, Finnick's dad peeks his head around the corner, bat in hand. Peeta shakes his head. "Honey, what's a matter? You need to come inside, your lips are blue."

He steps without words into the warm comfort of the house. He doesn't move, just stands. Mrs. Odiar nearly runs up the stairs, calling for Finnick. His sister peeks her head out of her room but upon finding Peeta retreats back. She's always had a silly crush.

Finnick comes bounding down the stairs moments later, wrapped in an old Penn State sweatshirt, rubbing his eyes of sleep. "What's up?" He asks, assessing Peeta all over. Before he can say anything else, Peeta crumples to the floor again, his body wracking with sobs that he can no longer control. He doesn't care too much that he has an audience.

"Peeta," Finnick calls out concerned, rushing to his friends side, pushing his hands away from his face and using his hands to bring some warmth back into his body. "Talk to me, man, what's wrong?"

Peeta just shakes his head away, not wanting to say the words aloud. Because if he said them it made it real. It wasn't real and he was trying to convince himself of it. It was a dream, no, a nightmare and any moment he'd wake up and be freed from the trouble, he knew. Katniss surely hadn't just broken up with him. That was unimaginable.

But it wasn't. And she had. She'd left him.

...

Mrs. Odiar calls his dad some time later, knowing he is no position to drive. Wheaton and Rye come, having to hoist Peeta up by his arms and almost carry him out to the awaiting car.

Peeta watches from the backseat as they exchange words with Finnick. At some point, Peeta had finally been stable enough to mutter the words; explain in some detail what had happened. Finnick had looked physically sick as well. His brothers turn to look at him through the window and he adverts his eyes. He doesn't want to see the pity, he wants to run from it. He wants to run from this place.

They get back in the car five minutes later, weirdly quiet as they drive through the streets of Panem. Peeta closes his eyes. "Peeta," Wheaton whispers after awhile, turning to look at him.

"What?" He croaks, his voice hoarse from all the crying.

"You're not... You're not going to do anything stupid now, are you?" He asks tentatively. "Cause I know it sucks right now but you're gonna be okay. Don't do anything crazy."

As much as he loved Katniss and as much physical pain as this brought him, the thought of hurting himself never had crossed his mind. Too many people depended on him. "Don't worry," he whispers. "I'm not going to do anything."

The Mellark boys are quiet again. When they arrive back at the house, Mr. Mellark is waiting up for them, coffee in hand, reading the newspaper quietly. He stands when they walk up. Peeta is proud he mustered the strength to walk on his own. He didn't want to subject his father to that.

"You okay, son?" His father asks, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Peeta remains motionless. "Go upstairs and take a shower and we can talk about it in the morning, okay?"

He follows without complaint.

...

Peeta spends the New Year alone, ignoring all of his friends requests to get out, enjoy the world, party while they were still young. In fact, his phone had died almost three days ago and he hadn't bothered to recharge it yet. Besides, without Katniss to call, who did he really care to talk to?

He hadn't seen her or heard from her since Christmas. Word has it she's going back to Texas early. At least, that's what Finnick says.

There is no one to kiss at midnight.

...

Campus is crowded when the boys finally return from their long stay at home. It takes them a good thirty minutes to get to their apartment, having to navigate through all the traffic. People are both moving in and moving out but the three boys remain. At least till next year when Annie moves down to live with Finnick prior to the wedding. Then they'll be forced to relocate or find another roommate.

Things had been awkward between Finnick and Peeta. Finnick was at the happiest in his life while Peeta was at the lowest and neither really knew how to address it. Peeta was happy for Finnick and Finnick felt for Peeta. That was that and they let the silence speak for them.

"Let's go to the party tonight," Thresh says for the tenth time. "Or to dinner and a movie or something! I'm sick and tired of wallowing in self despair. We need to get back out there."

"There's no we," Peeta snaps. "There's a me. Just a me. You two both have counterparts, I don't. You mean me. You mean to say that I need to get up off my ass and stop being so depressed. I wish it was that fucking easy, Thresh, but it's not. And I don't need everyone pushing me to do things I'm not ready for."

Thresh rolls his eyes. "You're so dramatic, Peeta. It fucking sucks, I get it! But we can't spend the rest of the fucking year stuck here not being apart of society. I'm sorry to tell you but relationships end. Marriages end. Life ends! You're not the only one who has gone through something like this you know. I broke up with Johanna but did I sit around on my ass all day and let life pass me by? No."

"You didn't get dumped, Thresh," he mumbles, saying the words still sending a sharp shooting pain right through him. Dumped. At first the word didn't seem right but after a while, Peeta concluded it fit perfectly. Katniss Everdeen had fucking dumped him.

"And you didn't either," he says. "Look, you fell down. Now get your ass back up."

...

It's three weeks later when he's finally ready to go back out.

The frat party they go to is cliche, beer pong and kegs and girls with cat ears on their heads. Girls from all walks of life dance and sing around him, doing their best to seduce the school's quarterback. He ignores them all and nurses one beer all night, sitting in the corner, away from the madness, enjoying the stillness and quiet and secludedness of it all.

He jumps when I hand wraps around his knee, perfectly manicured fingernails digging into his muscular thigh. He pulls away on instinct even though he doesn't have a reason to anymore. "Hey stranger," Madison purrs in his ear.

He shudders away from her, the beer on her breath and smell of her perfume not mixing nicely. "Hey," he says simply. The couch doesn't let him move far but close enough. He sinks into the cushions, eyes scanning for Finnick or Thresh or anybody fucking else.

"I haven't seen you around too much lately," she says, running hand through her hair. "I was starting to think you forgot about me but, lets be honest, who could really do that."

How anybody could find this girl attractive, he didn't know. "Yeah, well, you know, life has been pretty busy lately. I've just been trying to take that as it comes and haven't really had the time for any of the other stuff. I'm sure you understand that."

"Well I'm definitely not a college quarterback, that's for sure, but yeah, I get it. Must be hard having the weight of the world on your shoulders the way you do. I can't imagine the stress you must be under." She moves closer, her hands wrapping around his shoulders. Instead of relaxing, he tenses. "I think you just need the right girl to unwind you. I mean, what's better than that?"

"Stop," Peeta says sternly but, even so, it's not enough to make her go away. She only pouts for a moment. "Look, Katniss and I are on a break right now and I'm really not okay with it." He runs a hand through his hair, looking crazed and feeling hot. "I don't even know why I came. I should go. I need to go."

He stands to leave but Madison pulls him back, surprisingly strong for such a small girl. She runs a hand through his hair the way Katniss used to do. Except it's not Katniss and it's all too much. He moves away again. "Peeta, don't go," she calls. "You look like you need to talk so talk."

It's the first words she's said to him with no innuendo in them. When he looks at her, he gets the feeling she's actually concerned or at least she cares somewhat. So he talks to her. He talks to her and two beers later, he's finally calmed down enough to sink into her touch.

"I think she made a very big mistake," Madison says when he's finally done. "But I think it says a lot about what you thought of the relationship if you didn't fight her too hard on it. Maybe you knew it was over before she said the words, you just didn't want to be the one to do it."

Peeta shakes his head. "It's not over. I'm not ready for it to be over, it's not. We've been together almost six years. It can't just be over because of one stupid-"

But before he can finish his rant her lips are on his. Peeta lets her kiss him for a minute, too stunned to make a move. But also feeling like he's getting Katniss back in a way. This is what she gets for leaving him. This is what she gets.

He closes his eyes and tries to get used to the feeling. Her lips are bigger than Katniss's, much rounder, and it's awkward and sloppy and they can't find a rhythm that works for them. They aren't in sync, they're the opposite. It's too much. It's way too much. He shoves her shoulders away, standing and wiping his lips with the back of his hand, red lipstick staining his pale skin. He feels sick.

"Peeta!" Madison calls, following behind him as he makes a beeline for the door."Peeta, don't go! Peeta!"

"I don't like you Madison," he screams, turning on his heel to face her. She flinches. "I don't like you, okay? I love Katniss."

"If you really loved Katniss that much, I'm not sure you would've been kissing me," she snaps, crossing her arms over her chest. Peeta gets the feeling she's not the kind of girl guys usually say no to.

"Yeah, maybe you're right," Peeta mumbles just to get rid of her. He turns again and starts jogging slowly, just enough to put space between the two of them. He escapes from the party with no problems.

In the comfort of his own car, he cries.

...

"I can't fucking do this anymore," Peeta snaps, pulling at his hair, placing his head flat on the table as people behind him whisper and point and take pictures.

He'd thought he'd be up for lunch at a small cafe on campus with his friends, the first day in months that it hasn't snowed and the sun has mad an appearance. But sitting outside had been a bad idea and the boys hadn't had a moment to themselves since they sat down.

"It's the price that comes with the territory," Thresh explains, shrugging his shoulders. "It's not too bad if you learn to just ignore it, Peeta."

"I've been ignoring it for what feels like ten fucking hours and it's starting to bother me," he seethes, not bothering to pick his head up. If he had to sign one more autograph or smile for one more picture... He loved football but he could do without this.

As soon as he lifts his head of the table, a round of cameras click in his face, momentarily blinding him. Then he snaps. "We're trying to fucking eat! Can you wait until we've finished before you start invading our privacy? Thanks!"

The group of preteen boys and girls jump, pushing their electronic devices under the table and hiding them from view, looking uncomfortable and scared. If Peeta had known they were so young, he may have reframed from yelling so loud.

"Peeta, you better calm the fuck down," Finnick snaps, lowering his voice to a vicious whisper, coming nose to nose with Peeta. "If coach finds out you're fucking talking to kids like that, you will be benched for the rest of the season. The last thing you need is for your career to end before it even starts so cut that shit out and put a fucking smile on your face. Those people are paying your bills, you know."

With that, he gets up and leaves, placing a hundred dollar bill in the waitress's hand and calling for his car. Thresh sighs and follows him a few seconds later, taking pictures with the group of kids and signing every piece of skin he can.

Peeta gets up a few minutes later, walking over to their table and graciously paying for the whole meal. They all stand speechless. "Sorry about earlier. Long week," he explains. They all apologize but he is hearing none of it. "Stay in school kids."

...

Finnick, Thresh, Annie, and Johanna take him to the strip club for Valentine's Day. Despite the fact that they should really be spending the holiday together, at a nice restaurant or hotel, they have no complaints about taking him to get his fill. Peeta is the one who's weary about going.

"I don't really want to," he says on the ride over there. "You guys just drop me off here and I'll take a cab home or something. Go to dinner, have sex, be normal couples! I don't need you guys to babysit me. I'll be okay."

Peeta says the words but he knows they are not the truth. It was his first Valentine's Day in years without Katniss. There was no one to call. No one to love. Not today. Not ever again as far as he was concerned.

"It'll be fun, Peeta," Annie assures him, tugging him along, her hand in his, as she literally pulls him through the doors of the club. It smells like lost hopes and dreams and the farthest thing from fun he'd ever experienced.

A couple drinks in, it gets no better. Maybe it gets worse. The music gets louder, the girls figures get more distorted, his vision gets foggier. It can't be later than ten when he's finally ready to leave, shrugging on his coat and calling a cab without alerting his friends. They did seem to be having fun.

He slinks through the crowds of people, his drunk body not being completely in control as he moves to and fro. No one does anything though. They are no different than him. He recognizes a few guys from campus, not many. They all seem to be in the same boat. Broken hearted on Valentine's day, looking for nothing more than a distraction.

Peeta had been distract enough and, now, he just wanted to go home and cry.

He's exiting the building when from the corner of his eye, he sees a strip of dark brown hair, the oddest shade, braided slightly down the girls back, swoosh by him. It's quick and his alcohol soaked mind isn't really sure what he saw, just that he saw something. That he saw her.

Without thinking, he follows the girl in the braid. It was Katniss, no doubt. The color of her hair, olive skin, slim figure. Katniss. It all screamed Katniss. Had she come for him? Had his friends known she would come? Is that why they'd all been so persistent on getting him here?

When she is within arm distance, Peeta wraps a hand around her thin arm, her skin cold but warm in a way. A diamond bracelet around her wrist. One much more expensive than anything Katniss would ever wear.

And when the girl turns around, her eyes are blue. So blue they could match Peeta's but so far away from the grey ones he was expecting. He breathes a deep sigh. He wasn't sure what he was expecting and he wasn't sure why it'd felt as if someone had dropped a brick on his chest.

"Can I help you with something, honey?" Her accent's too strong, too much. Peeta shakes his head and drops her hand, turning the other way quickly and bounding through the front doors of the club, the cold air hitting him. He doesn't care. He keeps walking.

He finds his phone in his pocket and dials the only number he knows, the only person in this world he wants to talk to - needs to talk to. And it rings and rings and rings but no answer. Silence.

"Hi, you've reached Katniss. Sorry I'm not in right now. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!" She sounds happy. Happier than he'd heard her in awhile. But it wasn't her he had to remind himself. Just a machine. He waits until the beep.

"Hey," Peeta whispers shakily, his voice failing him in sure a dire moment. He wishes he could be strong. He wishes he knew how. "Hey. Let me start off by telling you, I'm quite drunk right now but besides the point, it's Valentine's Day and I really fucking miss you. I really, really miss you."

He waits for a reply but then remembers he isn't getting one. The fact that he's talking to no one, at least right now, gives him the strength to continue without pause. "I just wanted to tell you that, I guess. That I miss you. And love you. And care for you. Always, Katniss. I don't know how to stop."

His voice breaks and he struggles to contain the tears he's been holding back all night. It's no use and they flow without warning down his cheeks, staining his shirt. He fights them back the best he can but it's no use. The flood gates have been opened, all the pain from the past few weeks finally making work of them. There was no stopping now.

"You broke my heart, Katniss," he cries, falling to the floor in a heap, a mess. "You broke my heart but I can forgive you. I can forgive you."

The machine cuts him off just in time. Before he knows it, Finnick and Thresh are hauling him off in the back of the car, Johanna and Annie stroking his hair as he cries.

...

A week later, his father calls to give him the bad news. The news they all knew was coming but hoped they could prolong, at least for another year or two.

The chemo wasn't working anymore, not the way they'd hoped. Mrs. Mellark wasn't responding to the chemicals being pumped through her. The cancer was coming back and, this time, it looked like it would be for good.

Peeta had expected it, truthfully, just by the way she'd been at Christmas. So distant and tired, worn down by the weight of the world. She hurt in more ways than she could count and at this point, Peeta knew she was ready to go. He couldn't blame her, really. Cancer took so much out of you and she didn't have much more to give.

"She wants to come home, Peeta," his father tells him, his voice shaking. "She wants to come home to you boys and live her life there. She doesn't want the hospital anymore."

Peeta packs his bags as soon as he hangs up the phone.

...

His mother is fragile and weak and can barely sit up on her own when she makes it home. Hospice comes everyday to make sure she eats and to give her the medicines and prepare the family for the next step in the process. The dying step.

Mrs. Mellark's blonde hair was gone, stripped from her head, as were her eyebrows and eyelashes, all body hair. Her skin was purple in some spots, yellow in others, her fingernails protruding, jagged and rough but painted the bright red they always were.

She sleep a lot during the day. Doesn't sleep at all during the night. She says the pain is too much and no matter what steps they try to take, what they do to make her more comfortable, she cannot find peace in the moment. Mr. Mellark says she's scared of going alone. But she's isn't alone. She has her sons.

...

Peeta's friends come in one by one as the days roll by and college semesters end for the summer. His mother doesn't see any of them but they don't come for her. Despite how sad her fate is, she will always be Mrs. Mellark to them.

"You doing okay, man?" Thom asks as they sit on his lawn, beers in hand. Over the course of the weeks he'd been at home, he'd turned twenty-one as had Katniss. He'd called for her birthday but never got a response.

"Fine, I guess," Peeta whispers. Guilt pricked at him. He was more distraught over the absence of Katniss than his dying mother. His priorities were obviously in the right place. "Just tired."

"I'm sure," Marvel says. "Are you guys gonna be okay? Without your mom?"

Peeta nods his head slowly. "She hasn't been around too much in the past couple of years so, I suppose it'll be like that just that there's no one to yell at me about greeting customers with flour in my hair." It's not a joke but the boys laugh.

They sit in silence for the rest of the hour until Marvel's phone rings. He looks to Thom who looks to Cato who looks to Peeta before moving to his feet, bidding goodbye to his friend and promising to call tomorrow.

"Where are you guys going? I thought you'd want to get drunk with me," Peeta asks, moving to his feet to follow them to their cars. They don't stop for him, driving away without another word. He watches their tail lights disappear. And so he is alone.

He hears soft footsteps coming from his right, tentative and slow but there. Thinking it's no one but his brothers, he turns in the direction he came from. Well if his friends didn't want to drink with him, he had no problem getting drunk himself.

"Peeta," the voice calls after him, hesitant. The voice he'd been waiting to hear.

Katniss stands before him, her arms awkwardly crossed over on another. She looks different. Her hair shorter, her skin tanner, some of the muscle her body once held gone. But beautiful none the less. So, so beautiful.

"Katniss," Peeta says, her name coming out like a plea. Like if he doesn't say it fast enough, she'll be gone forever. "Katniss."

He takes no steps for her and she takes none towards him. They just look at each other, the stress of the break up weighing heavily on their features. The emptiness of living life without the other sitting on their shoulders.

How desperately he wanted to just touch her in the most innocent ways. He wanted to smell the flowers in her hair, the sweet scent of her perfume. He wanted her lips, soft and inviting, one more time. But he was granted none of that and perhaps that is what hurt most of all.

"i didn't know you were coming back," Peeta says when he's finally found the courage.

"Well, neither did I really," she whispers shyly. "I'm sorry about your mom, Peeta. I hadn't known things were getting so bad with her."

"And if you had would you have stayed?" His voice is almost angry but not quite. Katniss visibly flinches, not expecting the sting of his words. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I didn't mean to be so-"

"Don't apologize," she interrupts. "I deserve it, Peeta. Please don't apologize."

They are silent for another moment. "Peeta," she whispers. He looks up at her. "I love you. I do."

Words that used to bring him so much joy now bring him to the precipice of tears. He fights them back. He'd spent too many on her.

"I was stupid." He notices now her own tears, streaming heavily down her face as she covers her mouth to hold in her sobs. This triggers his own and he knows there is no point in holding back. Not when he's been open with her for so long.

Peeta doesn't waste another moment before wrapping her in his arms. She sighs and falls into his touch, listening to his labored breaths and soft pants. They were intimate but in a completely different way.

"Peeta, I don't want to be apart anymore. I love you," she cries. "God, I love you. I love you so much."

"I don't want to be with anyone else, ever, Katniss," he whispers back, nestling her hair. "Never. Just you. Forever and ever and ever."

"Don't be stupid, Peeta," she laughs. "I'm just a girl."

"But you're my girl."

...

When they lay together, after, he knows his world has been restored in the most important way. His mother may be dying, his family crumbling beneath the seams, and that within itself was bad enough.

But he couldn't do it without Katniss. Without her laugh and her smile and her warm arms to hold him in the night.

His father had always told him, "You'll know you truly love someone when the world is going to pieces but you still feel whole."

And that was how she made him feel.

So sorry about the wait on this one but I have some really exciting news! I'm writing a book. I got the first round down, having a few of my friends and family read so I can send it off! I'm so excited and humbled by the experience. In the mess of it all, I tried to find some time to write about my favorite fictional couple :)

Hope it was pleasant. Leave me a review, let me know how it was.

Please feel free to read some of my other, newer stories and tell me what you think about those too! Let me know what your favorite line from this chapter was. One more chapter after this :(

Thanks.

B