HI! Hi!

Re: Review Request from Ange and Neo's Hostile Takeover.

Okay. I had to laugh... Ganondorf can only make ugly children. He's not exactly Mister Handsome, himself. lol.
I really like the premise of this story. It can be a bit harder dealing with less attractive children; it's sad but true. Cute kids will always get more attention, less likely to get yelled at for doing something stupid, and it will always be a problem even as they grow up and they want jobs.

Statistics show that more than ninety percent of bosses will choose the best looking applicant overly a well-established ugly person for a position - no matter the gender. Anyways, I like the way you characterize Link... he knows the child is ugly, has reactions to some of the ugliness, but it isn't constantly on his mind... he can grow to care much for the child.

I also enjoyed the subtlety of the romance between Link and Zelda; they are only friends and you show that but you only slightly hint to how much Link cares about her by the fact that when he says that he would help her out, there is no question from Zelda that suggests that she doubts him and then later, she calls him and trusts him enough to have child watched by him. It shows explicit trust.

None of that may be romantic, but it's a good place to establish their relationship.

You have strong diction and voice in your writing that reminds me of Michael Connelly's writing (The Lincoln Lawyer writer) though I think that it would really help to improve your writing by working on transitioning from scene to scene.

I think you did an excellent job. Can't wait to read more.

Nitpicks:

Who's (your) friend? - you used the wrong wrong originally.

Or (comma) at least (comma) her grimace disappears.

Until Next Time,
Neo

I really like the detail of the phone "thrown" between Link's ear and shoulder - that's concise and clever writing. Elisa continues to be adorable about "Yink" though maybe he should be a little more guarded about emotional turns of phrase like "sweetheart"? Mom may have mixed feelings about that one.

I suspected the ex might stage a grand reappearance :-( Ganondorf swooping in to reclaim Elisa does raise some extremely confusing (for me anyway) questions, though. I thought he and Zelda were over almost as soon as they began, years before, so his suddenly muscling in jealously about "his family" makes no sense to me, especially since he made it clear not long before that he wanted nothing to do with Elisa. The other major thing is he basically kidnaps Elisa. Apart from the dubious legality of all that, Zelda's initial refusal to contest that in court makes me not think much of her at all as a mother, and I'm not sure that's what you intended. She has a clear case (custody is usually given to the mother, Elisa wants to stay with her mother, joint custody exists) and "he'll win because his lawyers are really good"was vague and didn't really work as an argument for me. Poor Elisa :-(

xx

Ah, the drama heats up fast here. The whole sequence from Link's arrival at Zelda's to Ganandorf leaving with Elisa is great. I like the quick details to characterize Ganandorf: his car is likely decent (though Link doesn't know makes and models, evidently), but there's "garbage piled up in the backseat"; his "dark red eyes" are ominous, but "tan skin" is usually the sign of an "alpha" male and the fact "he grips my hand harder than necessary" is true macho rivalry. Link is the perfect underdog hero- -the unassuming, accommodating man who, when pushed, is going to come back strong and heroic. His embarrassment at admitting he's the babysitter is sweet. This shows Link knows the risks of the situation: [His voice is low and deadly, and it makes me want to agree to anything he says.] And this shows Link's not going to fold: [But he can't get away with intimidating me like that.] Ganondorf is "slightly amused" and "gloating" (typical bully!) but Link is sensitive to Elisa's feelings and needs and unselfishly helps her accept the necessity of going with her father.

That Link knows the law is surprising yet in character for this particular version of the Zelda universe hero. The little details of his gentlemanly nature are still there such as his letting Zelda sit down and wait while he gets and brings both their orders. It's interesting that while Link saw Ganondorf's jealousy at his relationship with Zelda, it still seems that his main relationship is with Elisa.

Three suggestions:
First, add one of those FFN long line paragraph breaks between paragraphs 38 and 39 to signal the new scene. At the beginning of paragraph 39, add a phrase to indicate the time break, e.g.,"A week later, I grab my bag..."
Second, add that Link passed the bar and keeps up his license although he didn't pursue a legal practice. I think one can represent oneself without being a lawyer but I don't think one can represent someone else. Well, unless you're implying a different standard in the "world" where Link and Zelda exist.
Third, one nit: paragraph 61: [A few hours liter...]

Good hook for the next chapter- -Link coming to Elisa's rescue.

When is the chapter coming out

When are we getting the next chapter of this story. I have really enjoyed it so far, and am eagerly waiting to find out what happens next.

This is a really cute concept. I know something about Zelda, and I think this is quite a creative twist. I'd have never considered Zelda as a mother, let alone to an 'ugly' child. I do love how you described Eilsa's looks, and it's really awful the father did that. I am really glad that Link agreed to help Zelda out, and I loved the time between Link and Elisa. That was really adorable. The ending was also very sweet, and I have to wonder what's going through Zelda's mind.

A few things:

"A few days later, I told him I was pregnant.-You're missing your end quotation marks here. Not only that, I think you should change this to 'weeks later' because pregnancy takes at least a few weeks for a woman to figure it out.

the grabs the spoon in her bowl.-then grabs the spoon in her bowl.

ash Zelda carries her up the stairs.-as Zelda carries her up the stairs.

Overall, this is a really lovely concept, and I'd be interested to see where this goes. A few typos, but those are easily fixable. Well done. :)

The kid sounds like a zombie. Or maybe I read that description entirely wrong. And why did Zelda just drop the kid and run to the bathroom? Why not take the kid with her? Wait, why did the guy have the kid? I hope to get this entire back story.

The child is eight? I thought she was a toddler based on the description and the way they were carrying her around. Okay, I take it that Zelda-time pregnancy works different? Because in the real world it’s highly doubtful she would know a few days later she was pregnant. Weeks is more like it. Why did she more and abandon her daughter?

For being eight, she acts more like she’s four. I can see the speech impediment, but does she have a height thing as well? Most eight year olds can hug you around the waist and grab at your arm when they want you. (And I’ve met some short eight year olds)

I like how Link is playing with the kid. It’s really adorable. The train part was super cute. The movie was awesome! I love how they’re eating in front of the tv. “neck ash Zelda” I think you mean as instead of ash. I like how he’s babysitting. That’s adorable. I also like how he offers at the end. Awww! I’m wondering where you’re going with this! I can’t wait to see!

This story is intriguing *because* it's so straightforward. The matter-of-fact details seem to quietly hint at more - but I'm not sure what.

It is extremely intriguing that while Zelda isn't at all a bad person in this story, she's rather lukewarm - even cool - in her mothering. For example, Link is the one who thinks to put some chicken on a plate for Elisa and Link is the one who gets up to demonstrate chopsticks to Elisa while Zelda would have been satisfied with giving Elisa a condescending smile. Then Zelda's "I just remembered" in regard to having to go into work the next day is *so* convenient. In the park, Malon's "So *you're* Elisa's friend?" is *seriously* intriguing. Who called Link that? Zelda? And then, at the end, when Zelda isn't pissed off at Link for taking Elisa out of the home without her permission, doesn't even indicate she'd been worried when she came home and found them gone, well-that is *not* the reaction of a typical protective mother. And Zelda's reaction to the new in-joke between Link (Yink!) and Elisa at the end shows how left out she is: "Little Duck?"

I really appreciate how you manage to raise all these questions while staying in "I" point-of-view (that's called "dramatic irony"). I don't know if you intend this, but Link does several *wrong* things from the perfectly innocent motive of enjoying looking after a kid. Besides taking a kid out of her home without express permission, he puts her in the side seat (at her age I think she still requires a booster seat and special handling of the shoulder seatbelt) and takes her for donuts (after being asked to give her cereal or eggs). Link here is just so sweet!

Just a few nits:
Paragraph 1: Confused why Link initially grabs Zelda's doorknob rather than knocking since it turns out he's bringing dinner; why does he think the door will be unlocked?
Paragraph 3: "moans" has the wrong connotations for this little girl!
Paragraph 5: Confused as to which door Zelda is walking through. If Zelda is walking through the front door, who was looking after Elisa when Link was out? He didn't leave her alone, did he? If Zelda is coming from another part of the house, then clarify!
Paragraph 34: Perhaps use an action as a tag or at Link's view of Peatrice's facial expression? Just "exclaims" isn't clear whether she's happily surprised that Link has a kid or perturbed.
Paragraph 38: "tussling" is like wrestling. Should be "toussling."

"condo, and..." I'm not sure you need the comma here, though you'd have to seek out a real punctuation expert, I think.

"Yink!" SO cute. I'm surprised that the two are getting along so famously already, though. On the one hand I'm just glad the poor kid has someone who's willing to look after her and play with her, but on the other hand it doesn't leave much of a character journey for Link if he's smitten straight away. The "my little duck" part at the end is particularly adorable, but it seems to come very quickly; I know Zelda repeated 'little duck?' for other reasons, but it's a very intimate thing to call Elisa so quickly. I'm wondering if a longer and stronger arc might be helpful to the structure of the fic? Your call :)

'"Mmm..." she moans...' I might consider another word than 'moan', which has connotations of either orgasms or pain.

"Elisa keeps..." ha, I had a dog that did this.

The part where Elisa wants her Mummy to acknowledge her chopsticks-fu just kind of broke my heart. The poor little pet. Though I laughed when she gave up and began the stabbity technique again.

"Don't you need..." Should probably have a question mark.

When Peatrice took Link aside, I was surprised she didn't ream him for giving a child chocolate and donuts for breakfast :D

["Yink!"] D'awww.

[A moment later I turn and see Elisa stabbing her chicken on the end of her chopsticks.] I like how she quickly devolves into stabbing her food, just like a real kid with chopsticks. Also I love the little lisp you've given her.

So Malon is here. I'm pretty sure I've heard her name before, although I'm not terribly familiar with the Zelda franchise. I wonder how she's going to play into all of this.

I like how you end this chapter. It's a cute call-back.

Link and Elisa seem to be getting along famously. Again, the only real problem with this story is the lack of an arc for Link. When the story began I was expecting it to take some time for Link to warm up to Elisa, but because they're already so close it seems like there's no where for the story to go. I'm assuming that Link and Zelda will start to fall for each other next, so I'm curious how you'll handle that.

SPaG:

["Oh." She looks thoughtful for a moment, then says, well, I still need you to pay. That'll be nine-fifty."] Missing a quotation mark.

This is a cute story, but I have a question. Why was Ganandof taking care of Elisa? Why did Zelda move away from her daughter? I think you need a more in-depth explanation of her situation, because as it is it sounds almost like she abandoned her daughter on Ganondorf's doorstep.

["Yeah, I'll be over in five." I hurry to get dressed and I'm out the door in five minutes. In another five, I'm at Zelda's condo.] So he's actually over in ten.

So is this a Saturday? It doesn't seem like Zelda was at the office for very long, two hours at most.

The story moves pretty fast. I think you could do with slowing down a bit, especially since this is an AU, and while I sort of have an idea of Link's personality in the games I have no idea what he's like in the real world.

I think that Link warms up to Elisa a little too quickly. As a consequence, there's not a lot of tension in this story. I do, however, like Elisa. Although she's a bit odd looking on the outside, she's a normal kid on the inside and a sweetheart to boot. Good work!

SPaG:

[Then I begin searching the cupboards, and eventually emerge with a saucepan and a box on macaroni and cheese.] of

Well done-Shadow

I absolutely love the title and concept of this fic. It's so adorable that it freakin' hurts.

The usual disclaimer: not really familiar with canon.

I thought it was interesting that the fic begins with Link talking directly to the reader and introducing himself. As a personal thing, I found it a little awkward and self-conscious, though it's less a flaw and more of a personal style thing.

I felt really bad for Elisa, not just because her father sounds like a complete twunt, but because I'm not a fan of her mother's attitude either, which I'm throwing out because I'm not sure whether or not you intended it that way. Just as it's cruel for Ganondorf to flick the kid back to Zelda because she's ugly, I thought it was cold of Zelda to leave her kid with Ganondorf in the first place, to the extent that Link had no idea the kid even existed. And then she dumps her with Link without saying where she's going and when she'll be back, or giving him any kind of instructions on how to care for her. She sounds like as lousy a parent as the Dad.

Point of biology: a few days? It would generally take a few weeks for Zelda to discover that she was pregnant, though this could well just be game-biology I'm not aware of :)

I thought the dialogue here could be padded a little. There's nothing bad about it, but it does tend to simply tell the plot and no more.

Awww, the babysitting was sooooo cute, and so is Elisa. I wasn't sure of her speech, since it seems more appropriate for a child of two than one who's (I presume) seven or eight? I'm assuming then that this is a canon thing, or else that she has a speech impediment or possibly even a developmental delay? She's completely adorable, though. I'm a huge fan of "sdop"! Too cute x

This is an intriguing line in the opening paragraph: "I used to be an ordinary man." Since this is Legend of Zelda, I'm intrigued to see that Link is a normal business man living a routine life. At first I was kind of expecting him to get pulled into the game world (and he does watch a movie related to "The Adventures of the Four Swords"), but then I saw what was out of the ordinary for him is something ordinary for the most people: babysitting. All in all, his experiences are interesting and well-portrayed: from helpless, through getting the hang of watching over (safety) at the same time as caring for (feeding), and finally just having a pleasant time watching an animated movie.

I'm impressed that you managed to imply so much "story" in such a simple set of circumstances, for example, Link's loyalty to and support of Zelda (his readiness to put down her baby daddy) in the face of her rather irresponsible behavior toward her child is rather sweet. Link's reaction to Elisa's readiness to like him is touching. There's just enough questions raised to make me look forward to tagging again.

Some minor typos:
Paragraph 33: "Okay, then lets" should be "let's" (contraction of "let us").
Paragraph 34: "right nest to the sink."
Paragraph 35: "Then, after poring out" should be "pouring out" (pesky homonyms!).
Paragraph 47: "Looks like its time" should be "it's" (contraction of "it is"). Also "clings to her mother's neck ash Zelda" (obviously "as Zelda").
Paragraph 50: "then climbs buck under her blanket." (Unless that's a reference to "buck naked," but I hope Link's relationship with Elisa isn't going there!)

P.S. I'm surprised you're at an age where your parents can take away your computer because you write a very mature story. Or maybe you just haven't updated your profilein a while?

Awww-Shadow