Veri n1c3Y8tst0riNk

Hey there, my first review on a story here.

So far, I really like what you've done with this reinvention and I'll put my hands up, I am very lucky enough to have played the VN game, in fact the whole trilogy, so I know what happens in Moonlit Lovers and Eternal Lovers.

There's a lot of great potential on show and the background info you've shown on Will has been very impressive so far as well as having Sora thrown into the mix too. Not sure if this will count a spoiler...[Spoiler]but I predict that she'll turn to the good side just as soon as the Hell Hounds are killed off[/spoiler]

You've also inspired me to write a story like this too, keep up the good work. :)

Get some!

WillDidn't even have to use my AK, I gotta' say it was a good day..." Tact: Will...you're under arrest. WillYou better check yourself before ya wreck yourself, cause I'm bad for your health."

Man, bringing in the heartbreak. Poor Vanilla... On another note, I hope France was fun.

This was nice, getting close, taking it slow. Was everyone ignoring Will to pick at him, or was that for another reason? I got the feeling Tact was getting jealous.

Whoa! These are characters from the game!? Laphroaig? Guinness? lol! That's wild, naming badguys after booze. And nice description on the mystery girl that was with them. Detailed and you expressed Will's sensations toward those details.

Djaaawww, it's not too early for Will to say he likes her. "guiding light through the darkness" good analogy, because that's what Will has been doing.

"Burning ChromeD

Your first line was a good opening. So far here, I’m definitely not getting enough of what’s going on with Will’s surroundings. It would be nice to know a little of what the hospital looks like. Since he’s on a spaceship, and this is a science fiction, I’m going to assume it doesn't look like a regular hospital and there are going to be gadgets and things sitting around that are out of the ordinary, but if you just say hospital, I’m not really going to know much of what it looks like except for it being a hospital in space. You do want to leave room for the imagination, but describe some things so your readers don’t have to do all the work.

Go as slow as you need. Maybe describe the bed he’s in, and start from there. Go to the table next to the bed, if there is one. What’s on it? Are there medical gadgets he’s never seen before? Or do they look like the same materials they use in the hospitals on earth? Or is there nothing? Are there holographic curtains around his bed? If he sits up, can he see the stars in deep space through a broad, glass panel that stretches the entire length of the room he’s in, and all the way up to the ceiling? (This probably wouldn’t work so well, since he doesn’t know he’s on a spaceship until Dr. Cera says it, but I’m just tossing you ideas) How big is the room? Is he in an individual room, or a really long, curving space, with rows of beds on both sides of him? I don’t know anything about the series, but even if you’re describing a scene your readers already know about, give a little bit of detail. If it does look like a regular hospital, it still helps to mention it, with description, for verification. Describing a setting only requires a paragraph, but if you end up writing more, have at it.

Good job describing what happened when Vanilla healed Tact, however I think you could have inserted the ‘OMG look’ a little better or found another way to describe it, but that’s based more on my personal opinion. When you said ‘I inwardly gulped’, you didn’t really have to use ‘inwardly’ because a gulp is already inward. Also, when you’re writing in first person, it’s actually very easy to describe your characters sensations and thoughts, and even self-consciousness, because you’re viewing things from their perspective and only their perspective. You do that well in some parts, like with him freaking out because he was asleep, possibly drifting in space (don't know how he stayed alive), during a battle where he could have been killed, but I see others parts where you could have used a little more.

Great story, cant wait for the next chapter :)

I think that you should involve mint and forte and methlie more in the story otherwise I think this story is preety good

I'm very sorry no one's replied to the poll yet, so I've just done so.

I answered "no". Vanilla would react very badly to being part of a "harem", given how she nanomachine pet reacted in Eternal Lovers and how many problems that led to.

I think I can predict WHEN Hikari will be important, but I can't figure out WHY yet.

Congrats on the 1,000 views. If you're up for a suggestion, I'd be honored if you add my oc, Luscious (when he was a good guy) into the story. :)