Hi there! I am a mod from the Reviews Lounge, Too who is going to be giving your story a review this morning following its recommendation to be added to our community Archives by one of your readers. I’m not completely fandom blind to MLP; I grew up in the 80s and had MLP’s but I don’t know all the names, won’t lie. That said, I thought this was a really fascinating piece because it brings the MLP world into our own by adding elements that we can relate too.

Having the piece set at a school that looks like many college campuses across the globe makes us view this less as something cartoony and more along the lines of something like Hogwarts or even out of Percy Jackson. This: ((Ponies lay in the grass around the fountain studying for exams, eating lunch, and chatting with one another.)) is absolutely what it is like in the spring and summer at the college I attended. So for me I can easily imagine Ponies throwing around Frisbees, chatting and eating lunch, studying or napping between classes.

I thought this: ((He had learned that if he didn't document absolutely everything—every decision, transaction, conversation, and event—somepony would find a way to twist his actions into something not at all resembling his original intentions.)) was a really great way to render Blue’s character. He’s clearly got some OCD issues going on here. He’s a control freak, someone who has to attenuate to every little detail and make it perfect. Clearly there’s a reason for that, documented by his internalization about how (somepony) would find a way to twist things to their own advantage if he wasn’t so fanatical. It shows he has a suspicious and paranoid mind and for a reason: not all ponies are cute and sweet and cuddly.

I like how here: ((Instead, far too many students at this school were mistreated and the rule-breakers allowed impunity so that the torment would continue.)) you connect a very personal social issue in by showcasing how bullying occurs across many walks of life. Even in a place of goodness and light there are those who single out and viciously attack someone just for being ‘different.’

((He suppressed a screech at seeing his own horrid appearance.))—I laughed out loud at this. I have had these bad hair days so I can imagine how horrifying it must have been for him to see.

((Blueblood's hair stood on end. Great, now he'd have to comb it back down again.))—This actually made me chuckle in spite of the gravity of the situation. Blue might talk about not being a bit of a narcissist, but this definitely paints him out as someone with a small bit of narcissism to him. Which, he is a horse and they are a bit narcissistic. They’re majestic creatures after all.

((He thought of the motto of the school, "Unicórnis magnam monitis animos magicales."))—I just liked this. Again, it made me think about things like Hogwarts and magic and stuff.

Small pointer:

((REALLY))—stylistically, I am not a fan of using capitals in a narrative to stress the importance of a word or situation. It’s kinda like shouting for me and kicks me out of the sentence. I personally suggest stressing a word like this with italics, but it is your choice, clearly :)

In all, this was a very nice opening chapter. Good job!

Your ongoing story for the unity of Equestria is amazing. I feel like it may even go on after Brother Against Sister. As for this story itself, although it has plenty of action, I feel like it was merely setting the scene for the second story, which I in fact read before this one. Besides for some slightly confusing mentions of windigos and the like I could still under stand the latter story perfectly, which is a show of good writing. Also this story is mainly about Blueblood, which I love! He hasn't got enough fanfictions where he's portrayed well. Not necessarily as the good guy, but doing what he thinks is right in his own eyes, which is what most people do. It brings a sense of realism to him which is lacking even in the TV show. Seeing what you did with the characters in this fanfiction is refreshing. Not because they're acting OOC, or because they're acting perfectly in character. In fact I don't even quite agree that Twilight would do everything she's doing in the second story. But it's the fact that they are still themselves but with a little bit of your own personal twist. Everything they do makes sense, at least to them. And if it seems like that character wouldn't normally do that, you give us a detailed look at what's going on inside that characters mind, so we understand why they're doing what they're doing and it makes sense. One thing I treasure most in any type of literature is whether or not I could actually see the characters on a believable level. And your stories fulfill that perfectly.

The sequel can be found here.

Fanfiction

/9893392/1/Brother-Against-Sister

I love this story! You should write a sequel!

I luv this story plz update

I thought it would take longer to get to this point in the story.

The ending of this one makes me laugh.

This is deep Shit…

This getting harder due to sabotage by some pony might make the ufm dream more difficult.

This is starting to sound less and less like unicorn Freedom and more like the rise of Adolf Hitler. Complete with the Nazi party! Is that on purpose?

D-d-d-d-dead... Out of grief and stress and... That nasty Blueblood will use her death for EVIL

Prince Blueblood sniveling evil weasel

Got to say, this looks a lot like nazi germany. You take a little bit from history to make this? Its great though good job with this story :3.

I found a flaw! Haha! Luna's been missing for a thousand years right? Well, that means that she wouldn't know of the things Celestia would've done. Also, isn't this a series for a kid show? Why would you make... Deaths? That's kinda harsh. Altough... The changelings in the show didn't elaborate much... Hum... Sorry, getting off topic.

Another thing is. I know they lost everything, and all that. But I just HATE it when the crowd gets bitchy and complain. They should UNDERSTAND the kind of situation the officials are in. They should understand nothing could happen in a snap of a finger. (Well... Um, excluding Discord). I also don't leik sunset shimmer. Welp! I think those are- oh wait! Watta happen to Twilight? Asdfhjklklshjkhgdfghjksdfghjkl4dfhjkdfghjkdfghjkdf ghjk

TWILIGHT NO DED OKAE? GUD

This is exciting say the least.