The structure of this story could work well - the slow incremental increase of time to midnight - and you have in many ways captured the flavour of Bela's character, but the piece could be much, much stronger if you could keep in the character's thoughts instead of dropping out to the narrator's voice and losing punch with long sentences that haven't been punctuated quite correctly. Also, don't mark the use of episode dialogue/thoughts at all - it only drags the reader out of the story to see such a mark - this is fanfic and the use of such is normal and acceptable.

You have a good grasp on internal dialogue and a good imagination - read this story aloud to yourself to check for flow of the words and for those places where repetition (she looked, she looked, she looked, for example) disrupts the flow. Good luck and I liked Bela, there aren't enough stories about her :)