This right here is what I was looking for :3

Aw, its so sweet at the end. Nezumi and Shion deserve to be happy like this.

There aren't many bondage smut around in fanfic and for this I thank you for writing. It was sooooo cute and if I didn't know any better I'd think this was part of the anime/novel/manga! I really like how the two acted!

Wow, this was your FIRST fanfiction? It was great! I loved it. (: God, Shion.. uvu
You're really brave for doing smut for your first fanfic omg.
Good work! Hope to see more

Oh my god. *nosebleed* That was sooooo hot! Best one Ive read yet!

Except for some minor mistakes, it's really well written and very lovely. Both characters don't seem to be OOC either. Hard to believe this is your first story. Keep up the good work :)

hot hot hot!

Congrats on a steamy first fic! XD I like that you kept the setting in their room, so it was easy to visualize. I also think Nezumi particularly was pretty in-character with his actions and speech. And of course, the blush-worthy scenes were exciting!

Since you asked for some constructive criticism, I'll offer up some thoughts. Please don't be offended by anything I say. It's just my own opinion, based on reading (more than I probably should : P ) fanfics like this! And I hope you don't mind that I used sentences from your story, to more clearly show what I meant.

1. First and foremost, always proofread before posting. Ideally, finish writing, walk away from it for a while, and come back to proofread. That way, you're more likely to catch mistakes or awkward sounding parts. And good job picking a beta already! For the most part, this story is okay with grammar/spelling issues. I did notice a few mistakes though, like the sentence “Not gonna lie Shion, you suppressed the hell out of me last night.” (probably should say “surprised,” not “suppressed.”)

2. Overall, I felt like Shion's and Nezumi's names could have been said less. I know it's tough, distinguishing between characters who are both guys, but stories sound more varied when you use other ways to describe characters. Be careful you keep it realistic though, not forced and awkward (for example, regularly using something like “the young amethyst-eyed male” ...phrases like that just sound a bit ridiculous to me...)

As an extension of this thought, also try not to repeat other things in the same sentence either. For example:

“His face blazed in a fresh blush and he fought the urge to cover his face with his hands even though there was no one there to see him.” (Could say “fought the urge to cover it”)

“When he found the other boy's lips he held them, running his tongue along the other boy's lips and plunging deep within his mouth when the lips parted and allowed him entrance.” (Could be reworded as something like “When he found the other boy's lips he held them, running his tongue along them and plunging it deep within when they parted and allowed him entrance.”

I think removing repetitious sounding phrases helps the sentences flow more smoothly and show what's happening rather than directly spelling it out.

3. Lastly, and I don't think this was much of a problem, but I'll mention it in case you write more lemony goodness (please! XD). Remember the big picture over the miniscule details. Yes, you might have a very exact image of the scene in your head, but every little detail may not be necessary (and may be distracting) to the overall situation. Sometimes it's better to leave parts to the readers' imaginations rather than sound forced and too direct. For example:

“Nezumi's lips were fierce against his and Shion felt one of Nezumi's hands grasp his left upper arm and the other grasp his right hip tightly.” (Could lose some detail, but not passion, by saying something like “Nezumi's lips were fierce against his and Shion felt one strong hand grasping his arm and another digging into his hip.”)

Like I said, those are just a few thoughts I'd suggest, since most of the time comments are limited to a few adjectives rather than actual tips or thoughts. This story is definitely a good start though! Keep it up! : )

Thanks for writing

*nosebleed*

TT so beutiful!

That was fuc***g hooooot! Haha Loved it!

Gurl, if you're a dude, then wow dude! you sure that was your first fic? That was hot and well written! Thank you for writing it omg. I love how nezumi is very considerate and shion is not the typical uke. Great work you wonderful person! 3 (minor correction: suppressed to surprise?)

that was yummy ;)

This was really well written and cute but hot at the same time I loved it!

*nosebleed* *passed out*