I like the idea of this story, but I think there's a bit less description than I would like. It seems too blunt. Maybe describe things a bit more. If you want I can give you an idea of how to do that.

This is a great idea for a fic, and I can tell that you have a strong sense of where you would like it to go. I thought, though, that the paragraphing and some spelling, punctuation and grammar issues were perhaps discouraging readers. A beta reader (you can find one by clicking the link at the top of the page) would be sure to help. Good luck! x