Wow way better than I expected well done. Wish you would have done that sequel. Be awesome to see beni rofl stomp through some chumps lol

I've read this story a couple years ago after I've fallen in love with In Flight. I'm rereading this now, years after, and am impressed with how powerful of emotional reaction it gets out of me. This is a true story, with powerful intrigue, compelling protagonist that goes through a lot of growth and believable antagonists which actually surprise you and are genuinely dangerous. It also has its heartwarming moments. So, I love this story. Strangely enough, usually I love the story more from the first reading. But on second reading I got even more out of it than on the first. This is unbelievably good, snarky (the entire thou and thy thing had me howling with laughter) and unbeliebvably original. Kiritsugu and Lord-El-Melloi-Not-Wawer were also very well written. I wish you luck if you still write and thank you for sharing this!

Don't look back during a chase, dumbass!

Meri's arrogance cost him...that pretty much sums up everything he does.

I'd count this as a gem if not for a few foundation-based issues. I will say it was an enjoyable read to a point, and a refreshing break from the "Zelretch ruins/is responsible for everything" trend prevalent in FSN fiction. And I'd seriously count it as a good time but let me not dally in fluff.

You penned this almost as a sort of noir-like adventure, which is a good move and a bad one. Good in it serves as a decent filter against the astonishingly-upbeat-for-such-a-grim-battle-royale series like Seikirei. It's not polished (other characters being less characters and more empty action footnotes), but but functions well in presenting the stark contrast between the two canons. If it falls flat, it does so in two areas: the first is your OC is written as an underdog, and I can't get past how wrong that is on a foundation level. Joke the El-Melloi may be to fandom, they are still a high-ranking, pedigree family with a lot of prodigy accomplishments. I can't fathom, even by twist of "fate", that any offspring Kayneth sired would be a slacker or "average" in any state. I won't guess as to why you did (though I've the feeling it was to make the main focus of the story humane, thus not drive off readers who think FSN's portrayed magi are the rule instead of a gross exception). I'll say that when the POV from Meriwether works, it's functional. And when it falls flat, I can tell I'm about to slog through a fight that feels without impact mostly because even a basic mage with an established workshop would utilize pounds of subterfuge to outwit and outgame every antagonist presented save Mikogami—who, imo, could have functioned as a better foil in a "maliciousness vs humanity" plot aspect.

The second was eschewing a lot of canon to fit the story's pacing justifications. Karasuba and magecraft (a justification that doesn't really go anywhere, so feels like a "there because REASONS" bandaid), Meriwether and his complete lack of any specialization (again, that whole El-Melloi pedigree), the constant handicapping of magi who are not Emiya Shirou, thus should be well-versed in how to manage and min/max their prana reserves, thusly shouldn't be running out in what amounted to very light exercises (yes, even against Seikirei). Result is potent points of conflict felt pretty weightless (Karasuba, Kayneth, Kiritsugu, Haihine vs Merywether), while others were snuffed out before the dread/suspense could pick up and run (Miya...you threw her in a closet, so to speak, and intro'd Kiritsugu as a we-get-it cleanup dude).

I'll make another note about pacing: the story felt rushed after the first few chapters, and the droppings of "a few months passed" felt incredibly out of place as a result. There's no sense of time, and given our primary narrator, I feel that's a missed opportunity for his development or a look into how he operates vs the rest of the world around him. Was he punctual person? What about one or two experiments that could have been referenced/revisited over the course of the story to better display the passage of time?

Aside of that, a fun story, and mostly a good job. Would be a pleasure to pick through more in the future, if you're around and writing. Thanks.

I don't know if you still read reviews of your works, but I'm going to write one anyway because this fic was just that good.

The main character's a totally new OC, pretty out of touch with everyone/everything else, and generally unlikeable with all the underhanded stuff he does... but he's still super engaging. This fic fleshes out the anti-hero so well that by the end I was almost baffled with how much I was rooting for him. There's only like 90k words total (and that's not even including the extra chapters) yet somehow you managed to introduce his character piece by piece, without having a generic exposition. The letters from Kayneth were a really nice touch–they fit his voice just how I would imagine it, and I haven't even seen a single second of Fate/Zero.

Benitsubasa isn't really an OC, but even she comes off much more interesting than whatever her original version was like. And best of all, you didn't make her overpowered with magecraft or something. That's also one of my favorite parts of the plot–the main characters are underpowered compared to the "final bosses", and they get to go through pretty much everything with just some geas scrolls and invisibility spells.

Character deaths throughout were also written really well. Benitsubasa's death actually made me feel something for her which is pretty difficult to do in a story this short. I think your willingness to kill off anyone and everyone actually convinced me that she was dead permanently, and that's what a lot of fics that just kill someone important miss in the buildup to the death. As an aside, I kinda wish we could see the fight between Karasuba and Miya... but on the other hand that secrecy makes Kiritsugu v. Karasuba even more amazing. (If anyone deserves to be overpowered, it's Kiritsugu with the life he's had.)

Going back to Kayneth, he turned out pretty badass. The Volumen Hydrargum, the politics, the personality... seemed exactly like the main character might be in 50 years. I hope that's not what he becomes especially with Benitsubasa, but the father and the son really resemble each other here, and it creates a sense of familial connection. It didn't hurt that Kayneth become more sympathetic in the epilogue.

Speaking of the last chapter, I loved the cliffhanger. It's such a Type-Moon thing to do, and I unabashedly enjoy imagining what characters are up to after a story ends. You just gave me a good springboard for those very thoughts. Normally I prefer fluffy stories with happy endings, and I won't deny that some part of me feels bad for Chiho/Uzume, Minato/Tsukiumi/Musubi/Kazehana, and even Miya too. But the drama here leaves me with a sense of finality on their plotlines, too, if that makes sense. And the epilogue has just enough Benitsubasa to leave me optimistic.

Idk, there's so much more I haven't mentioned yet, like the excellent omakes (the Familar of Zero one was good, but the Shakespeare one was even better. And the quote from the Bard in the epilogue was the cherry on top) or the perfect fight scenes (Kiritsugu). But I really need to sleep now, so I'm going to have to end this review.

Thank you for writing and finishing the story!

This wa amazing and I'd love a sequel.

Oh my god, Beni might finally get some.

Damn, no protag protection for Minato. It's a weird feeling to know two of his sekirei are terminated.

Meri, you asshole, so close yet so far. The irony of that last sentence.

And thus progress is made. I love Meri so much

This is the start of a beautiful relationship, I can already tell.

This is amazing and I love the mc's narration.

good

Yeah...I want to like this. I really really want to like this but...you're making the classic OC mistakes and, what's worse, you're doing so while being a competent writer.

From dumbing down every other cast member even at the cost of outright ignoring canon (Minato is near inhumanly strong and resistant to pain enough to embrace someone while they're on fire without flinching, his punch would have shattered a normal human's jaw) to continually handing victories to your main character. You're not giving any impression of tension in this story. The half-hearted attempt to hand him a defeat is just the icing on that cake.

1) He should have been annihilated by Miya. He broke stealth to fight Musubi and Miya's flash step types of fast, even if she didn't just strike at range.

2) Matsu clearly had the ability to track him, so why the hell didn't they attack until after his plan played out?

3) Homura spends most of that fight standing around while Merry does stuff.

4) Kazehana fought Benitsubasa in canon. The fight lasted half a second and she wasn't even taking it seriously. Here she's blood lusted, meaning Benitsubasa would have been paste almost instantly.

Look, I have issues with Sekirei too, but the issue with bashing isn't that it enrages fans. The issue is that it harms the quality of the story. It shatters the illusions that the main character is facing a struggle for victory, and given that you have thus far established the main character to be a fairly weak Magus by Clock Tower standards, with no great magics and a tactical playbook that comes down to exactly the kind of things that canon Lord El-Melloi looked down on...

I understand of course that this story was completed years ago, but if you're still writing then I implore you to keep in mind that if the reader doesn't believe a character's struggle then the story becomes boring.

This was quite the bittersweet tale - more bitter than sweet in my opinion, but still a very good read. Your depiction of Miya and her death aura was also very cool, though I can't say the same of Karasuba's attempt at magecraft (there's something off about a goddess not being able to beat her, and an aged hitman managing to do it).

Speaking of the main star though, I found Meriwether despicable. I held no sympathy for his father when I watched Fate/zero, and I hold even less for this blackmailing backstabbing bastard. Make no mistake, he was entertaining to read and well-written, but despicable nonetheless. A truly deserved end for him would be to fail Miya's geis and pay the consequences - at least that way the many Sekirei he endangered or directly/indirectly (mostly indirectly) ended would have their payback.