Whoo wee lol loved the story as a whole but the lemon was just right

Holy cow that was very steamy just now.

holy smokes - this was steamy at the end there - i mean wow!

Actually, when you go to Oerba in the game, there are remains of old highways, and since technology in Fang's day was advanced enough for airships and, more importantly, Cocoon, I'm going to assume there were cars in her day too. That was the only flaw, and it's not a big one anyway. Just pointed it out for future reference.

I enjoyed this story very much. Though i did have a few complaints, most of such have been covered by other reviews, so i wont bother with them.

One that im suprised wasnt covered was at the beginning when you introduced Light as "Lightning 'Claire' Farron". In truth, shouldnt she be introduced as "Claire 'Lightning' Farron" since Claire is her real name and Lightning being the nickname?

Other then that, im not, nor will i ever be a fan of fisting. (i imagine it hurts more the brings pleasure)

-Laurayne

I noticed a lack of reviews for something of this length. You asked for concrit, so I'll try my best, and I won't sugarcoat anything.

My opinion on this, is: Not half-bad for a first try. You seem to have jumped into the "M" territory with both feet! lol.

Now lets get technical- there are quite a few grammar stumbling blocks, or maybe they're just typos? I'm not quite sure. It almost seems as if you had wrote something, then chose to change it at a later date, and didn't quite get rid of everything from before. Let's see if I can find an example...

"and said she would do would continue to do what she always did." - I'm not sure if this is a beta error that was missed, or if it's just missing a comma between 'would do, would continue'"

Anyway things like that are what beta's are useful for. The only other major stumbling block, for me, was the constant use of "numbers" in place of writing out the words, especially here:

" 2 years. That's how long it's been. 2 years since she became a l'Cie. 2 years since coming to Gran Pulse. 2 years since meeting her first real, true love. 2 years since the Fall. 2 long, painful years since she was betrayed. Her love had chosen another over her. Some called it a sacrifice; A sacrifice that meant she could live her life out and be happy. To the pinkette, though, it was cold-blooded betrayal."

I don't know why, but I do remember that from English class. Write out numbers. The only time I will use numbers myself is occasionally, when telling the time of day, or numbering a chapter.

Other than that, I pretty much enjoyed it. As far as style goes, some might cry out that it lacks a lot of detail, or that the whole could have been fleshed out into a longer, chaptered story. to them, I say pshhhh... Personally, I don't like it when an author describes every last little glaring detail of an object or surrounding to me. It seems like having my hand held like a child, and being forced to imagine their personal vision, with no room for interpretation. I'd like to think that readers, being naturally intelligent by default, have their own imaginations, so as my own personl style, I pick and choose what I describe, to what extent and what I leave to the reader's imaginary discretion. Some of my friends have been indoctrinated into the belief that as a writer, one must assume the reader is completely ignorant of everything. My argument is, not in the case of FAN FICTION, hence the term. So there you have both sides to that case, regarding detail.

there was one particular thing that stood out for me, and didn't seem to fit with the whole piece. " "Why do I feel this way? Why are you playing with me so?" This doesn't seem to be "In Character" for Lightning. In other words, CANON Lightning doesn't talk that way. Now, if this is meant to be your own take on a tortured Light, that's all well and good. The thing about CANNON, FANNON, and personal interpretation is this- CANNON only gives us one facet, one view, of the particular character or person. Lightning acts the way she does. FANNON happens when an author, or group of authors take up a theme that becomes embraced or accepted by the fandom, as it's own gospel. Lightning acts the way she does, because she bottles up her emotions. Personal interpretation can explore the depths of every facet of the previous two. Why? Why does Lightning act that way? Was she hurt? How bad? By who? or by What? What is the end result? Those are just some things to think on.

I appreciate a good character-driven story, which is what you started out with, an exploration of Light's pain, then you twisted to a plot-drive, and it was a pleasant surprise. There wasn't much of Fang's side, Fang's pain, except for defending herself from Light's accusations. I might have included Fang's matching, simultaneous pain, in her dream-state, but it still manages to work, as is.

As for the Lemon- definitely what I would categorize as "graphic". Graphic enough to deserve fair warning to the reader, in description, or before the story. I would do both, just to be sure.

It was passionate, desperate, and fulfilling. XD Poor Light having to wait so long, no wonder she ravished Fang! Heart the ending!

So that's it. that's my concrit review. Don't take any of my opinions too personally. As writers we have to develop thick skin. Take what I said with a grain of salt. This is just one writer's thoughts on what you have presented for us. An enjoyable read, a nice addition to the M Flight category! Thanks for sharing it with us XD

I liked it :)

Would quite like a bit of Fang dominating Light next time.

Well done, was a goood read.

Not great but good for your first time in the red zone. I wouldn't see Fang hand banging, which kinda surprised me a bit, but I liked Light's little reaction to it. And the ending was funny (with Light's little snide remark) btw where did she learn that? XP

As far as corrections just a couple of things

change '2' to 'two'

"The Fall was headed by one Lightning Farron, 'then' Sergeant of the Guardian Corps" Unless you meant for it to be 'then' _

This is a story worth rereading in the future.

~Nice job

i liked their reunion and the idea of the l'Cie as celebrities makes sense. (tho I could see them as fugitives too, since most people might not feel real grateful about having their luxurious Cocoon lifestyle replaced with a life of pioneer-style hardship.)

My favorite description was "Fang violently shook her head, as if the words had clung to her hair." Just so well written.

and then...whoa hot! that is one tasty lemon!

(tho fisting is too much for most ladies tbh)