Hi,

I’ve got a smattering of Doctor Who knowledge, but nowhere near enough to say that I’m familiar with the canon and characters, so partially canon blind here.

(“I’m sorry.” Captain Jack Harness looked up at the expectant faces surrounding him.) I liked this as an opening line to draw the reader in. It gets right to the point and makes me wonder what has happened that Jack can’t do anything about and so many people are invested in.

(“Don’t be. I knew the risks.) From what I understand of her character, this does sound very much like something Sarah Jane would say :) She’s always come across as selfless to me, willing to put aside her own wants. You got across her character beautifully, especially her calmness in speaking to Jack and reassuring him.

(…computer Mr. Smith…) I’m not sure if that’s referencing the Doctor as Mr. Smith, or if Sarah Jane names her computers, so that bit went over by head for canon. Still understandable, so no complaint there, but it just made me wonder.

(…when the Alzarian planet-killer…) It was great to see a bit of a back story woven in without taking up too much space. It also read a bit like foreshadowing to what the greater opponent of the piece would be :)

(I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do.) It felt as though this was reflecting too much at the first line of the chapter. While having things connect and whatnot is great, here it felt more like repetition as they were so close together.
I loved how you showed Jack and his team here. (It seemed her last chance was gone. Jack and his Torchwood team were insisting on running even more blood tests…) that in particular showed their desperation to try and find something to get Sarah Jane better. It was especially poignant when contrasted with her calm acceptance.

(…but instead of searing pain she expected would accompany it she felt only a bone-deep weariness that sapped the last of her strength.) I thought that this was a great description of Sarah Jane’s physical and mental state. I really liked this, especially as it went into Sarah Jane saying her final, internal goodbyes.

This was a great, emotional way to set up the work, with the little tip of more to come at the end.

Good job :)

Well done! My only problem: it was too short!

Well I'm a little sad that I've come to the end. However, better to leave the readers wanting more rather than going too far and with too little plot, which I've definitely seen before. This was a sweet little story, and a nice length really. I liked in this chapter that there's the promise of more interaction between Sarah and the Doctor. What I liked most though is that both of them made responsible choices; Sarah to stay with Luke, and the Doctor to continue doing what he does best.

[Sarah's world exploded.] I feel like this line is a little cliched. It's definitely been used a few too many times across many, many fandoms. I would consider writing something more original, and more specific, to show how Sarah feels.

[Their tongues danced together, sending sizzling, high-voltage currents back and forth between them and lighting every cell in her body on fire.] Now this is of course an opinion only, and I know everyone has different things they like to read. I find this a little too poetic, with tongues dancing. It makes me stop and I lose the flow of the story because it turns me off. I would consider toning down the poetry, and going for a more gritty, real detail.

Cheers.

Again, let me express that I love the length of the chapters. I finish, and I'm wanting more, and clicking the 'next' button very quickly. I have the attention span of a fruit fly on a good day. That may be why I usually write 100 word drabbles!

I'm very glad to see Sarah is back on her feet and heading home. I knew the Doctor would come to the rescue. The style of your writing made it quite clear. This was a short, sharp chapter, though I feel like not very much happened in it. Still, I'm interested to see what's going to happen in the last chapter. I'm a little disappointed it's the last one actually. Quite disappointed.

[He said the last with a grin and a waggle of his eyebrows, trying for levity, but she wasn't having it.] This is a lovely little detail. Not only does it help to show the tone and manner in which the Doctor was speaking, but also seems very characteristic of him. I can imagine David Tennant doing just that.

["Oh, Doctor. I'm not prepared to lose you, either."] I think you could have gone with a stronger ending there. In my opinion, this one came across as a little bit cheesy. Okay. quite a bit cheesy. It'd be lovely if you could have ended the chapter with a fresh, original detail instead.

Cheers.

Uh oh, Sarah isn't quite better? I still feel that she will be fine. Now I'm going to be honest and say I don't really like fics in which the doctor and a companion are in love, but I'm going to be open minded, and I am still enjoying this one. I'd like to see what you're going to do with it. I have faith that you'll write it nicely and I'm curious to keep reading.

["You'll be here?" She couldn't help herself.] This, I like. Yes I do. It's very insightful, showing the way that a grown person can regress to feeling and acting very young when they're in pain and tired. It's very realistic, very in keeping with how people do act.

I like that you've put the telepathic speech in italics. That sets it aside from regular dialogue. However, I feel like the speech marks are a little unnecessary, since it's not actually speech really. Just my opinion, that it looks a little messy.

[Right from the start the connection he felt with her...] Consider a comma after 'start'. I think it would read a little more naturally.

Cheers.

Wow! The pace has really picked up here. I read that at breakneck pace, particularly when Sarah was chewing the tablets. You built a great sense of anticipation there! I was nearly holding my breath as I read that. I'm really interested to know what's going to happen now that Sarah has apparently been cured of the alien virus. You got my curious.

[Then she felt the grip of strong arms around her shoulders and legs and the rub of soft fabric against her cheek, and realized she was being carried.] I know I harp on about it, but I really like when you give us some little details. It's the way I like to write, and the way I like to read. The detail of the fabric against Sarah's cheek helps me to picture it, and even feel what Sarah's going through.

[Then she fell into a deep dark hole and knew no more.] While this line does what it's meant to do, it's a bit tired, it's been used many times before. I think you could make the ending much stronger if you used a fresher, more original way to saying she passed out.

Cheers.

Your chapters are short and sharp; I like that. Reading long blocks of text on the screen can be very off putting. You move the action forward nicely. I like a fast pace. Despite the content, the way you've written it makes it seem quite light, and I'm sure the doctor will save Sarah. I love the way he waltzes in like a knight in shining armor and carries her away.

[Her gaunt frame was feather-light in his grasp and her cheek where it lay against his chest was burning hot.] I really like the detail here, of her skin hot against his chest. It's details like that that help the readers really understand what the characters are going through, and get us on board.

You mention the humans being very surprised, but you also show that the TARDIS was inside the house: [Before any of the humans could move, the blue box wheezed, groaned, and faded from the room.] Wouldn't they have heard it, even if it was the middle of the night? It's a pretty distinctive noise. This seems like a little plot hole to me.

Cheers.

I always did like Sarah Jane Smith, it's nice to see a story about her. Most of the Doctor Who stories seem to feature Amy or Rose. Overall, I like the idea, though I think you could stand to add more detail to it. I'll be interested to see where it's going. You've got a nicely believable situation, and a good reason to assemble most of the cast.

[Alan gazed down at her sadly. It was the third time she'd asked him in as many hours.] I really liked this line here. You tell us how sick Sarah is, and show us that her mind is wandering without having to state it plainly. It's always good to show, rather than tell, if you can.

[As one, the hopeful expressions on all five faces crumbled.] You used this line at the start of the first chapter, the because it's nearly exactly the same, the repetition is noticeable. Consider changing it.

[his inconsolable daughter.] It'd improve the fic a little if you could show us some detail, show us that Maria is inconsolable rather than merely saying it. There's a few instances like this.

Cheers.

Beautiful story!

Nice story

Excellent! You've really captured these characters so well and my heart was in my throat for much of the story.

Oh that was lovely.

*happy sigh* See this is what I'm talking about.

*bounces* This is now my most favorite memorial fic - that I didn't write myself. ;)

A bittersweet goodbye.

I'll be honest...the romancy kissy bit turned me off a overall, a good story.

A Good Sarah Jane story. RIP Lis