Ok I'm reviewing on this chapter because I think this was around where I stopped reading. I'm writing a longer review because it seems like you like receiving real feedback and you will actually rework things if you think the feedback is fair. I've seen that some of your updates are from 2019! That's impressive!

Some chapters in this story honestly feel like some of the best fanfiction I've read this year, maybe even period. The arc where Rex goes to ArmyMed and then on to the medical ship headed to Kamino? The atmosphere is chilly and downright eerie. I loved the way you slowly built to the revelation that the clones were being euthanized and possibly used for parts. You didn't explicitly reveal it for quite a while, and it felt like I as a reader was in the same boat as Rex: in my heart I knew what was going to happen in Kamino, but it took a while to really admit it and fully realize it. The daze of being constantly sedated and having time slip away and losing control of oneself that Rex feels in ArmyMed was really powerful, and my favorite chapter was definitely when Rex is on the medical frigate, seeing all the other clones around him, and gradually coming to a place where he won't accept his fate. It was super effective, awesome storytelling. You did an amazing job of showing and not telling, and your restraint and careful build up to the moment were really powerful.

That arc was what propelled me through the next seventy or so chapters, but unfortunately I don't think I can finish this story for a couple of reasons. One is that the Ando arc started to feel (and I know this sounds redundant because it's fanfiction) fanservice-y. It felt like every clone was pairing up, and the story was trying to tell me that they were deeply in love, but they also all happened to fall in love with basically the first woman they'd ever spent time alone with? Some of the ways the women interacted with the clones also felt predatory, especially... I think their names were Quinn and Det? Like, yeah they're into it, but they're also very young and inexperienced, and it felt like the women took advantage of that.

Aside from the general horniness of the Ando arc (everyone is SO HORNY, which tbh I kinda like but it was a little much sometimes), once the clones land on Ando the pacing of the story seemed to go a little wonky. All of a sudden the number of POVs we're getting multiplies like crazy, and we sometimes cut off the action in one location to jump to a whole different location for several chapters in a row. Even the early chapters feel a bit bloated in the sense that you could probably cut out a lot of chapters or arcs in half without losing the story. For instance, as much as I loved the early chapters where Ahsoka and Rex are stranded in the cave, several chapters in a row repeat the pattern of "Rex almost dies, Ahsoka somehow manages to bring him back from the brink of death, they have a moment, then Rex goes back to being almost dead."

And finally, while I appreciate your efforts to turn this story into a T-rated fic, and I also understand that the ratings are somewhat subjective, this is just not a T-rated fic. Both of the sex scenes with Quinn and Det are pretty graphic, as is Barriss's dream, and oh my goodness Appo's *rape*. Appo's sexual assault scene is what ultimately made me decide not to finish this fic. It may not have been described in detail but it's obvious what's happening, and it's definitely an M-rated moment. Even the scene foreshadowing it left a bad taste in my mouth. I understand my reaction is partly due to my personal preference for more PG-13, tame stories in terms of sexual content-that doesn't mean this content makes the fic better or worse necessarily. My main issue is that the T rating does not really accurately reflect the content of this fic.

All in all, there were parts of this fic I *loved*, and I'm only writing this review in the first place because your story moved me and made me want to engage with it in a meaningful way. That's a truly impressive accomplishment as a writer. I'm not sure if you're still reading comments, since I know this is a fairly old fic, but thank you for sharing this story, even though parts of it were not for me. I'm going to keep that haunting scene on the medical frigate with me for a long time.

Regards,

hrtiu

Wait I just noticed this... Why is Appo a commander anyways? Shouldn't he be just a captain since Ahsoka is the commender?

"It was not a very interesting ceiling, but he had nothing else to do." Great! It's little gems like this that turn "writing" into something artistic. In fact, the entire first section was wonderful. Off-the-wall insights into Rex's character. I love stuff like that. Breaks from the action that allow us to get inside a character's head.

Regarding Ahsoka's reaction upon finding Rex is already gone, I did think it was a bit over the top with her dropping to her knees and crying in front Cody. I could fully see her impatience and childish petulance during the briefing; that seemed appropriate. But her reaction in the medbay just didn't feel right.

I was also curious to see Cody's character development. All writers develop characters in their own way, so I am looking forward to seeing how you develop Cody. I've always seen him as the consummate professional, totally dedicated to his Jedi. So, it was very intriguing to see him talking about driving the Jedi nuts on purpose.

"And he was not a citizen." Another great insertion.

The scene between the doctor and Rex has a lot of really nice touches in it. "He was both starving and nauseous at the same time, which not a pleasant experience." This is wonderful understatement but expressing what it is "not", as opposed to writing, "which was a terrible experience." It's just a stylistic thing, but it is very effective and makes for interesting reading.

"He didn't care about being an object of fascination." Another good line. These little snippets that take us into a person's mind without using, "He thought . . . " or "He said to himself . . ." are wonderful from a story-telling and stylistic standpoint.

One note: it was a little confusing when the doctor asks if TwoOneBee has told him about the limb replacement, and Rex says no. It's not clear that Rex is saying no to the idea as opposed to 21B notifying him.

And one final observation, which I've mentioned before but just to reiterate: when you do your rewrite, I think a lot of these chapters can be combined and some scenes maybe can be consolidated.

Nice chapter!

I like that Rex is trying to figure out where Ahsoka fits into his life, while she is acting like a love-struck teenager. It's kind of endearing on her part.

I also liked Rex's musings about Coruscant, that it's too crowded with too many people, that he finds the battlefield more to his liking. And I especially liked that he's unhappy with being transferred further away "from everyone he knew."

There are a lot of things I really liked about this chapter and a couple suggestions.

The story has pretty much been told, thus far, through the eyes of Ahsoka. There's been maybe 20% told from Rex's view point. I think the Ahsoka POV works really well in this chapter. Her POV has worked very well in previous chapters, but I think it's really outstanding in this chapter. We get some nice insight into how she feels around the other trooper and around Cody. More on that later.

One suggestion I can make is that sometimes the sentence structure is bit bulky or there is a lot of repetition. For example, you mention several times about the clones leaning up against the wall. Once is just fine, especially since you use one of those times to explain how the way they stand reminds Ahsoka of Rex, adding some meaning to the description.

Note: you mention Echo approaching Cody and Ahsoka, but then a couple sentences later, we have Fives talking to them with no mention of his approach. Maybe say that Echo and Fives approached?

"It made Ahsoka's heart ache" not "heartache." Also, I really love this image of Rex's soldiers all standing the way he does - like they unconsciously adopted his stance. I think one or two more sentences of elaboration would be nice.

It does strike me as a odd that the clones are all still wearing their helmets in the medical bay. It just seems more likely that they would take off their buckets and talk quietly among themselves. That way, you can still have Ahsoka "not mind being left out" as she sees them talking to each to each other in low voices. Because I also like the idea that she doesn't mind and takes the moment to separate herself and privately contemplate what had happened on the planet. It seems now that she's in a position where she's not solely responsible for Rex, she can allow herself to think about some of her indiscretions.

Speaking of Fives, "He gave her a very charming smile" which was very much like Fives and "not at all like Rex." This is excellent. It shows us how she views Rex as a serious, non-charmer. I just like this little snippet of info.

Cody says to the troopers, "Ahsoka and I are going in first." I think he would refer to her as "the commander" or "Commander Tano" in front of the troops.

I also like how Ahsoka views Cody's presence as source of support. Awkward sentences though: "She had always viewed Cody as Rex's friend. They weren't particularly close." Makes it seem like Rex and Cody aren't close. This is one of those situations where you might want to add a few words to the effect of, "She had never viewed Cody as a particular friend of hers, but now . . . "

The description of the injury from the med droid is somewhat long and repetitive. However, the whole amputation discussion-and especially the droid's almost ghoulish fascination with the replacement part stock-that is powerful. I think that is more interesting, as a reader, than the expansive details of the injury. Rex's refusal and the possible consequences - all of that brings us closer to the characters: Rex, Ahsoka and Cody. Not quite sure Cody would be tempted to blast the med droid :-)

The sing-along was a sweet touch, though perhaps not realistic that it would happen in a med bay with seriously injured people - including Rex. Still, it does strike me as a soldierly scene. I can picture it happening in a WWII airfield cantina. And I like that the clones can get a little bawdy! The description of how Ahsoka sees Rex's happiness among his brothers, how he winks at her, it's all very nice.

Lastly, I liked how Ahsoka doesn't know what to say when she's finally alone with him, and then the droid chases her away. However, she was worried about hanging out with him because he "just had surgery." Yet, he's had a bunch troopers in there with him, whooping and hollering.

Oh, one more thing. I'm curious what Cody and Rex were saying to each other secretively.

All in all, a very enjoyable chapter.

"He was beginning to feel like a piece of cargo." I like it.

Just a note; because Rex is the only man in the first part of this scene, instead of using his name all the time, you could use "he", and the reader would always know who you were referring to. It makes for smoother reading.

Hm, it's interesting that he wishes Ahsoka were there with him. After some of the indiscretions they both experienced (albeit drug- and/or stress-induced), I wonder what their next meeting will be like.

Okay, now I'm curious to see if Flex will be a recurring character!

new clone name: Ranger

So much I liked in this chapter.

First, a couple notes. Over the past few chapters, the phrase "bright with fever" has been used a lot with regard to Rex's eyes. Maybe swap that out for another descriptive passage. Also, this is the same quibble, so I probably don't need to say it, but . . . Rex has been through the wringer, still has a high fever, and is on all kinds of drugs. He might not be in the state of mind to hear the "shields" story quite yet. But if the point is the get the story told, perhaps Ahsoka could inquire about it, and the story be told to her.

"She peered upwards, having veered mixed emotions . . . " Veered is probably a typo?

Now . . . this is an excellent denouement. A sort of winding down where the reader truly can feel both the relief and worry along with Ahsoka. "She felt a feeling of solidarity with Cody. He was just as worried as she was. It was comforting just having him there." I love this in that it shows that, through all she's just endured-being pretty much solely responsible for keeping Rex alive-she is glad to have someone else who can now share the burden of the past few days.

By the same token, as she's looking up to see the gunships coming down "like a flock of mechanical birds"-I LOVE THIS-it is very poignant that she has mixed feelings about going back to the Resolute. We're not really told why she has mixed feelings, and I like this omission. Is it because there was something about being solely responsible for Rex that made her feel needed by him? Is it because of something aboard the Resolute that we don't know about? It's intriguing.

"After days of constantly caring for Rex, she wasn't needed at all." Brilliant! One simple sentence that says so much about her true mindset, the difference between how she portrays herself to others and what she is really feeling inside.

One thing I think might be interesting (though maybe not possible, since I haven't read ahead to see where Cody is at the moment), but it might be fun if, when Rex awakens and says, "Commander?", both she and Cody respond. I don't know how this story unfolds yet, but a little friendly "vying for Rex's attention" could be fun.

Hooray! The cavalry arrives! And Cody is among them - always good to see Cody.

Couple minor technical notes: you use "grim" and "guarded" multiple times in the first part of the chapter. Maybe swap out a few for synonyms.

Also, since you wrote out the "exploding spider" from the earlier chapter, the dialogue here might have to be changed.

Very cool idea about the readers submitting names for the clones. Ilum and Ithor are excellent! Very neat to name them after planets.

Agh! What? Shortest chapter in history! lol! But . . . it works. It really works.

" . . . an ugly place of brush, shrub, and spindly trees. The factory was still smoldering in the distance." Call me old-fashioned, but I love these little descriptive passages. I like big ones, too. I think many writers are so anxious to get to the action and the dialogue that description often suffers, yet it is description that sets the scene, lays the background for the action/dialogue. So, little snippets like this are wonderful.

And I especially enjoyed Ahsoka's ruminations about after the war, how she really has no idea what will happen, that it's something no one ever talks about. One of the stylistic things I like is: "When the war was over, Rex would . . . Ahsoka frowned." The unfinished thought, like The Unfinished Symphony, is a good way to convey a character's uncertainty and leave things hanging.

I also like her youthful way of thinking, "sometimes things still had a way of working out," wondering if she's blown it for good this time.

Hmmm. A couple technical notes first.

Second paragraph: "she wasn't she wasn't she wasn't." Oops!
Third paragraph: "Before she could, he could again." Not sure if this is how you wanted it to read, but it's a bit peculiar.

This is a very short chapter, so this will be a short review! :-)

I like that Rex apologizes for some of his miffish behavior. And I like that Ahsoka has fallen silent at the beginning, feeling that she doesn't know what to say or do anymore. She feels like everything she says is wrong. Ah, but the teenager in her doesn't realize that kissing Rex again (and in his dire situation) might be a wee bit on the wrong side? I know I've already mentioned it, so I don't want to beat a dead horse; just that Rex is severely injured, and maybe he would not be up to, em, being up? If you get my drift?

No issue with Ahsoka being tempted, but it's following right after she berates herself for doing all the wrong things (and she knows that this is a wrong thing). I would imagine that, at this point, she might be more concerned with his survival than experiencing a sensual encounter. However, if the encounter stays, then maybe a few more sentences about how her teenaged curiosity wins out against her better judgment.

My two cents.

This is a GREAT chapter! There's so much good stuff in here, I loved it!

First, "It'd better not be an erotic dream." That made me actually start laughing out loud. It's a very fine injection of off-the-wall humor during a life-or-death situation. Too much elaboration would have taken away the magic of that one sentence. Here, minimalism was perfect!

Ahsoka entering his mind to do the Force-healing. When she begins to see things through his eyes - this is brilliantly done. Again, there's just enough detail that we can pick up fairly quickly that it's Rex's memories she's seeing. "She was once again scaling the wall . . . everything seemed so much more difficult." Excellent way to move from thinking we're seeing Teth through her eyes to seeing it through Rex's. In fact, I think this scene would be a good first mention of what happened on Teth. That would make the revelation of what Rex suffered even more profound and heart-breaking, because we'd also be seeing it with Ahsoka for the first time (okay, let's pretend we haven't seen the movie . . . )

When Rex wakes up, I can see this scene in my head. Now that the fever is gone, he has enough self-control to accept that truth of what Ahsoka had to do with reasonable accommodation. "I suppose it beats dead." But there's that part of him that wants to know . . . what else did she see? What secrets have now been given away? You can feel his trepidation even as he presses her for an answer. He wants to know what she saw, and he's hoping she didn't see anything. That part is so nicely done and in character for both of them, IMHO. It even contains more wry authorial humor: "I should have known he wasn't going to just drop it." We readers are nodded along, saying, "That's right. You should have known." "So, you didn't see anything in my head?" I'm not sure if this was meant to be humorous, but I found it very funny, as if Rex is telling here, "Are you saying I'm empty-headed?"

The one line that does seem out of place is Ahsoka's internal remark about his sexy voice. The only reason I say it's inappropriate here is because she's about to tell him, with tears in her eyes, that she knows the horror of what he went through on Teth. I would hope his sexy voice would be the last thing on her mind.

All said, bravo! Loved this chapter.

Hmm. I am of two minds about this chapter. As stated in my last review, I do think the whole "Rex injured, awaiting rescue" scene could be condensed. In this chapter, though, I see the circumstances being used as a vehicle to tell the story of Teth and its effect on Rex.

Again, this just my personal opinion, but I think this flashback would be better told elsewhere in the story, when Rex is in his right mind. We've already had him flashback once, resulting in him and Ahsoka having a bit of a tumble. And this flashback, as written, has far too many good elements in it to be used only as a "blip" during the "Rex injury" scene. There's a lot of insight into Rex that you've written here that I think is very important: how he feels about the Jedi's lightheartedness while he and his men are dying; the whole Aleto scene is brilliantly descriptive; MIch's shower song; his thoughts about the dead being left on the battlefield; and of course, the lasting repercussions of Ventress' mind control. These were all things that, IMHO, deserve their own chapter of musings when Rex actually beings them to mind on purpose, where you can better explore how the things General Skywalker did during the battle grated on Rex's nerves; and does Rex still feel that way about his commanding officer? Does he still believe Skywalker doesn't really care if he and his men live or die?

Instead of using the flashback as a means to increase the angst of the current situation, maybe use it to further develop Rex's character. I say this, of course, as if you're writing for people who do not know these characters already. But we each develop them our own way, our own renditions. I think it's important to let readers know who YOUR Rex is. My Rex is a little different from yours. My Anakin is, I think, a lot different from yours. And part of the fun is seeing how others develop these characters. How far do different stray in different directions? There's a wide swath of possibility while still remaining "in character." You have so much of that in this flashback, but it feels almost overlooked because of its location in the story.

The scene with Cody . . . that struck me as somewhat odd, the degree of Cody's violence. Since this is his first significant mention in the story, I have yet to see how you will be developing his character, what kind of man he will be. But as I was reading, I thought, "Wouldn't it be interesting to have this whole scene - the flashback and Cody's reaction - occur in "real time", not as a flashback within a fever-induced delirium?

Again, all purely subjective. It's just that I love when authors delve into a character's psyche, and moments on the battlefield are some of my favorites. You have great stuff in this chapter.

A few edits.

In the first three paragraphs, we have, "He glanced over," "he glanced up", and "he glanced up." Also in the second paragraph, where Ahsoka is speaking, it's a bit confusing.

Just a suggestion, but maybe:

Maybe get rid of the last sentence of the first para, and replace it with something that indicates Ahsoka notices he's conscious (from seeing his movement) and "went instantly to his side".

"Rex?"

"Eh, Commander." He glanced up . . . etc.

Love Ahsoka's line about him having two states: "Fine and unconscious." Very appropriate humor for the circumstances and in character for "Snips".

"He wondered why it was that just a look could sway his commander. Odd. He had known how to do that instinctively." I enjoyed this little insight and found it intriguing - especially the part about it being instinctive. I hope you elaborate on that in later chapters. How does Rex instinctively know how to use his expressions to get what he wants. It's a fascinating concept for a clone.

I also thought it was well done that Rex apologizes that Ahsoka is seeing him "like this." Seems very much in line with who Rex is, that he would not want anyone to see him under weakness or duress.

My last comment is very subjective, so please take it with a grain of salt. With regard to the length of this particular "Rex is injured and I have to get him to safety" scene, it seems a bit drawn out. I am, admittedly, waiting for them to get rescued so I can see what comes next. I think that these 14 chapters could be condensed into 3 or 4, where you take the most important aspects of their character illustration and maybe jettison some of the continuous resurgence of the injury. There are great elements in each chapter that show what kind of people Rex and Ahsoka are, elements that develop the relationship they currently have, and elements that hint at something to come. And I believe those, more than the details of the injury, are the highlights of the chapters. That being said, I know most readers like the angst and suffering. I look a good angsty moment myself. I do, however, think that 14 chapters of the progression of Rex's injury is a tad long.

Enjoyed this chapter. The things that stood out to me were Rex's "strong, silent type" portrayal - very much what I would expect from the series. Stoic and suffering in silence.

I enjoyed Ahsoka's recollection of the workout scene. I can very much imagine she would be a distraction, although I'm not sure about her pushing the provocation envelope even further by pushing out her breasts! lol! Rex's reaction is consistent. Basically, "Get out."

I also liked her musing over all the scarring on his body and wondering if he or any of the clones would ever be able to have a different life.