Love it! PLEASE UPDATE OR I'LL CRY. Jk :) But I really wanna keep reading more of this!

mersaydez! ah! i luv this story. y dnt u update it? omg cassie is sooooooooooo cute 3 luv them. how claire is such a bitch she totally deserves everything that is happening to her. and being jealous of massie over cam. oh and jealous derrick is my fav he stole cams gf but thats ok but now that cam likes massie its not and hes the one who cheated on massie! hypocrite. but cassie is fucking adorable. im happy massie is starting to make amends with dylan, maybe kristen too? O.o i liked the part where kamp was like "Yeah! im nice to her she should talk to me"haha poor Kemp. derricks ego is too big. cant wait to rea abt when the girls find out massie is cams new gf gasp! ;D i lik the mystery with the derrick kemp kristen triangle, new drama! well update soon pleaseeeee!

xoxo

mo

I love your story! It is really good! Please update soon!

'Sades. One word.

Update.

(:

Interesting update soon?

Hey :)

Loved it!

Please update soon!

3

I like that you switched to Dylan's POV here, but one thing confused me-Massie kinda is a dictator as Alpha. So if Dylan prefers Claire, I would go with a lesser of two evils type thing. Like, Massie is more of a Juan Peron than a General Franco. ;)

Or even have Dylan remember the good times she had with Massie as a contrast, instead of invalidating the character in the books.

When it comes to the boys' dialogue, there seems to be a bit of 'mind reading' going on. Like, it was something a beta of mine helped me out with, and something that's easy to fall into. As the author you know exactly what;s going to happen, but your characters don't. So sometimes writing dialogue you can slip into the characters knowing everything you know, therefore making it all too easy for characters to go back and forth and understand everything that is going on.

When, in reality, it just doesn't work that way. Think of it as a bad phone call sometimes. Like, for instance, I had one last night with my boyfriend-the connection was so bad that sometimes I could hear him, sometimes I couldn't. So when I said "I love you" and got nothing back, I got pissed off. And then he would get mad because he thought I was madder at him than I actually was, so he said goodbye and hung up when I wanted to talk to him more, thereby prompting more anger and sadness from me, which lead to a bit of an argument the next day. See, something as simple as that causes such a miscommunication, and it's more realistic, you know?

So having Cam show up at that exact moment was just a little /too/ convenient.

I really, really love the beginning of this, with the phone call. I'm gonna go into slight ancedata here, but you capture the feeling perfectly.

See, my boyfriend now and I kind of had an attraction/flirtation going on, but nothing came of it for a little while. We were in Seattle (but both of us live elsewhere) so when we said goodbye, the next time we talked was in that kind of awkward way, where there is mutual feelings but neither know how to move forward. I especially loved the detail about how Cam feels about her voice-reminds me also of my Rane, and is very true to life. So that part I think you captured perfectly.

I think your last section needs a little fixing just in terms of dialogue because it doesn't sound very "guy-like" if that makes sense. Also, forgive my tiredness and the confusion it induces, but is Cam a social pariah or not?

Because if he isn't, they'd probably mess with him more. Actually, even if he is they'd probably be more teasing to him, it'd just be more barbed. And yeah, boys think dirty-there would be some suggestive stuff thrown in there, not to mention they have a hard time picking up on body language and tone of voice changes, so Cam has to be really, really obvious if he;s happy.

In moar ancedata, Rane sometimes can;t tell when I'm annoyed with him (and he's pretty good at reading people for a guy) just because of my tone of voice changes or whatnot. Just something to keep in consideration.

Too short again. D8

Also...this kicking Claire of TPC seems a bit abrupt with no build-up of tension or anything, so it comes off as more of a convenient plot device used to get over a loophole rather than a legitimate, important part of the story.

So I think what this chapter needs more than anything else is some substance. Whether you would like to do that via flashback, or maybe changing the POV to someone else (like Alicia) to get more clarification...it's really up to you with that one.

A bit short compared to your other chapters but don't worry too much about that-some of my chapters have a tendency to run short because I post some of my RvB fanfics to a different site, Rooster Teeth, which has a character limit in chapters.

However, if you don't have that problem, you may want to consider lengthing it. It does depend, though-I mean, don;t go blathering on and on because you feel a need to fill word count when you have said everything you need to say, you know?

[["Says you," she muttered under her breath, earning herself a hit on the ear from Todd Lyons, the boy who had always liked Massie despite the fact that she never gave him the time of day.]]

This confused me-who is speaking, Massie or Claire?

Might want to clarify that.

Also, I dunno just...overall with Claire I think she may need a bit of work, at least in this chapter. You say she's deeply in love with Derrington, but her thought process doesn't show it. In fact, everything we've seen of her seems to point towards the idea that she's too shallow to know true love.

Is that what you were goin for, or was it something else, maybe more of an inner conflict?

Unfortunately, the first thing you would have to cut here is song lyrics because they aren't allowed on the site's rules.

Sometimes, I let that kind of thing slide, but not when I'm beta-ing the fic. As a member of the oft bitched about Literate Union, my record has to be squeaky clean, understandably.

Fitting lyrics, but yeah, they just can't stay. I'm sorry. DD8

Also, FFN went through that weird thing where it got rid of line breaks, so there are a few that need replacing so the whole thing doesn't run together.

Claire as openly b*tchy is a bit OOC but I don't mind that personally, as I assume that you have a reason for doing so, and you have enough backhanded-ness to counteract it for the most part. I did just want to note that, though, in case someone else accused you of being OOC.

I am curious as to why Massie would call Cam, actually. Normally Massie is the type to keep her pain inside and not let anyone see it, so I think in between her smashing the photograph and calling him, there should be some sort of introspection on her part as to why she is calling him.

Also, in the scene with the kiss you switch POV very subtly. As you started off the story in third person limited, with Cam and Massie getting their own sections, but then during the final scene with the two of them you go for omniscient instead, where the reader can see the thoughts of both characters at the same time. Chose either limited, or omniscient and stick with it, okay?

I do love the scene overall, though. Very very sweet. :)

You know, I was sold on this until your author's note at the end, asking for reviews or you won't update.

Review whoring, as I am sure you know the term, isn't a pretty one, and it damages such a well written fic.

I'm willing to let it slide this time and read the next chapter but I probably won't keep going if it keeps popping up. ;)

that was good

i read the rest on my phone

write chapter 7 soon

chtspk! omg. this could be reported by beyondclairity, run and hide! this chapter was really good tho

this is rlly good. i hate cassie tho but this was a good concept