I love this! Not many people have explored the relationship between Suzuna and Hiruma (be it romantic or platonic). Will you be writing more stories about the two of them? I'd definitely read them :)

Great job again!

The first Suzuna/Hiruma fic. It was cute )

That's sweet! i liked it!

The idea was good, but I agree with scrunchy on the past/present thing. You need to work on that, it's very confusing. And I noticed that your story doesn't really flow, it seems to be halfway to telegram style... Also, there's a part where you write:

"- what Suzuna had done (,?) when he noticed something odd about his duffle bag. (He opened?)Opening it to reveal a red box with a white ribbon. (When he picked?)Picking it up and (opened?)opening it he (smiled?)smiles. He takes a bite of the chocolate within and gets lost in the rich, silky smooth world of chocolate.(all short descriptions before now, and this one is detailed. the contrast is really big here) Putting the cover back on -"

Your punctualisation is off here, and the way you describe it is certainly very strange.

This is not meant to be mean to you, it's just what I noticed, as constructive criticism. And again, I love the idea (but hiruma belongs to sena in the end (XD)

Komiyan -x-

That's so good. I hope there's more chocolates fo Hiruma.

I Like it!

soo cute! great job!

aww that was great and cute _

That was so KAWAII! I absolutely loved it!

Well, for your first fic it was pretty good. You switched tense a few times from past to present to past to present, etc. A few other errors, but otherwise it was pretty sound D Hope to hear more from you in the ES21 category!