why is this not finished

I really enjoyed this thus far. I hope you decide to continue it!

I really neat story, I'm enjoying it. But can you please update? It's been months, and this story is so neat. XD

there are things that you do well with this story, but it's rather short when it comes to chapters. I'm going to keep reading. Thanks for writing.

Well, I don't know how together my mind is at the moment, but I'll give it a shot anyway... Before I get to reviewing your story, I remember you mentioning in a message about wanting to edit a chapter that has already been posted. If you haven't figured it out yet, there is a way to do so. Every chapter you upload to FF stays in your document manager for sixty days. You only have to go back to the chapter you uploaded, make your changes, save the changes, go to edit and replace the current chapter that needed the changes with the document. Make sense?

Okay, first: "appendices" should be "appendages". Tricky word, had to check my spelling in the dictionary on that one.

Second: The comma is the most over used form of punctuation in the written word. Overuse of it distracts the reader and I did notice several places where you used it unneccesarily. Ex: "Her heartbeat pulsated uncomfortably within her head, as if someone was hammering away at her brains, not attempting to destroy her, but with the intent of causing as much pain as they could." (Pay special attention to sentences that use more than one comma. In this instance, the first comma is not needed because it interupts the flow of thought. Also for future reference do not seperate phrases or words joined by "And" or "Or" and oftentimes there is no need to put a comma before "so" except to indicate a pause for emphasis.

You should put a break after the moment Sakura leaves Ino because you change scenes to Naruto. Scene changes always require a break, changes in point of view only sometimes.

"Naruto was thoroughly worried." Aw, I thought I taught you better than that! You took the easy way out there and just told us he was worried. Cut that sentence and throw in some nervous posturing like biting his lip, scratching his head, shuffling his feet, stuff like that instead. While this paragraph shows what Naruto is thinking, it doesn't really show his worry.

The next paragraph is full of some nice description, but for some reason it feels kind of smooshed together. I'm not sure what it is, but if there could be some way you could spread it out, maybe intersperse some emotion or reflection that might make it read smoother.

Sp: "Obliged" in stead of "Obligued".

"Ino was happy when the door opened..." Have her smile instead of saying she is happy.

I noticed you used a lot of exclamation points in this chapter. Ease up. Everyone, especially Ino considering she is in the hospital with a major headache, are just way to cheerful. I would expect Ino to at least be a bit more disgruntled.

"Sakura smiled back, greeted, and retreated into the hallway." ...um, huh? The "greeted" confuses me. Were you trying to say something else? I suggest cutting it and the commas.

Mention where Naruto is standing or sitting in the room after Sakura leaves. Is he just standing there or does he sit on the bed beside Ino and then later move to the window? It's too vague as to his wherabouts in the room. The transition from his cheerful mood to his pensive one didn't appeart to be very smooth either.

This was a nice chapter and didn't have any obvious clutter, but it just didn't seem to flow right. The blending of emotion with action wasn't as smooth as you have done before. You may have been having an off day as all writers do sometimes. I think you can make it much better. Find any places that feel like there's a gap from one moment to the next, even if it is a little one, and figure out how to smooth the transition better. Also keep an eye on your punctuation so it doesn't run away from you.

Ooh, about Sakura, she felt a bit flat, as if she was a cardboard character just shoved in there to fill up space. I have no doubt that she's there for a reason, but even though she is a minor character you need to give her the same care and attention you give Ino and Naruto because her existence will either add or detract from them. This is actually something I just learned in my novel course. If your supporting characters are not real to you like your main characters are, then they will only detract from the story.

Happy writing.

this story rocks! i only wish the chapters were longer so i could enjoy it more!

Interesting story so far, I want to see how Naruto amd Ino's relationship plays out.

I liked this chapter pretty much actually. It shows that Ino is warming a bit towards Naruto in certain things she thinks and says and hopes... and it shows that Naruto is pretty much still Naruto, despite all the things he's been through for all those years on the force. Very much intriguing character development. And I like the fact that Sakura is around as well. She could be a good thing to be around, I guess.

I can't wait to see what you have up your sleeve for chapter five. Some NaruIno action? Hopefully! I'll tune in next time as well, so, until then!

Yours sincerely,

DHA

very good!. It's good that you're introducing slowly, quite nice.. good job and keep up the good work!

Good Job, i think you introduced Sakura very well. You set the story up very nicely too, waiting for your next chapter.

Nice update. I see you like the gradual approach. Its a good way to go instead of the "We're friends, you save my life, I love you" in one chapter approach. Also i see you set up the plot alittle bit here. Cant wait to see what you have planned.

great story!

i cant wait to hear more on this..

plz update soon.

answering your A/N: you're not satisfied with this story? for you're first non-oneshot, its good. grammar wise, no comments here. one or two spelling mistakes is all I saw. and story wise, good as well. I personally am more into romantic stories, but its only you're third chapter so I can't tell how it turns out. also, if you're looking for a good example. search The Prime Minister and read his story 'Worth the Trouble'. InoxShika, ShikaxTema, and a little of everyone else. Sorry for the little critique, I just can't find anything bad.

What does "pwn" mean"? I'm really horrible with online acronyms.

I'm really sorry I haven't been able to get to you until now. Bad days tend to hunt me in packs. It's the only way they can take me down. I'll address your pm questions in a seperate pm, kay?

I thought your writing and action sequence was quite easy to follow (and that's saying a lot considering I'm barely awake at the moment ;) The big thing to watch in action sequences is your adjectives and adverbs. You want to keep your description as simple as possible so that your words keep up with the pace of the reader's mind. Visually, action happens fast, so you need to be able to read it just about as quickly as a person thinks too and too many descriptive words only slow a person down.

You didn't do too bad in this, but I will point out what I'm talking about. In the professional world, these things are called "Clutter".

-She spurted forward in a flash, charging into close combat with several weapons at hand. (first sentence is perfect, to the point) Her fingers tightened (most -ly words are unnecesary) around the metal (we already know it's in her hand, no need for repetition), the sharp blades cutting slightly into her skin. (We know her reaction was successful because she is still going) dodging the first wave of armoury coming her way, Ino vanished and reappeared behind her opponent. (try reading this paragraph after removing all the bracketted words and see the difference between it and the original. Smooth, right?)

-Ino flipped out another kunai and the two ninja clashed in a furious flurry of sparks . (unnecessary description. Sparks tend to fly, so the reader will see that part of the description without you having to actually say it is happening.)

That was just an example of what "Clutter" is and how getting rid of it affects how smooth your writing becomes. Make every word indispensable. The battle against "Clutter" is ongoing. I often have a problem with it as well, but pay special attention to it in action sequences to start off.

Moving on: Research. How much do you know about Ino's technique? Granted, not much is said about it, but I did notice one glitch. When Ino uses the Mind Transfer Jutsu, she has complete control of the person's body and looses control of her own. It would have been unnecessary for Naruto to carry the body of the man she was "inside the mind of" at the time as she could have moved him herself. It makes more sense that she would have moved the man to where she wanted him and then proceeded to interrogate his mind. is a great place to get any info you need about the Naruto world and all it entails.

I thought you captured Naruto's sweet side at this point very well with how he attended to Ino's unconscious body. And I really liked your description of Ino's chakra. Very, very fitting of her personality. It was the perfect example of a "show, don't tell" description since it was Naruto's reaction to Ino's chakra that told us so much about her personality. Bravo.

Absolutely loved the description in the final paragraph! Most writers only focus on the sense of sight, but you captured the sense of smell beautifully. I have no idea what poppy's smell like, but my imagination worked for itself, especially with the "salty wind" combination. We have five senses and just because reading and writing depends heavily on the one, good writing makes use of all five. Endeavor to employ the sense of touch, taste, and sound with the same potency as you used the sense of smell in this final paragraph.

My last bit of advice is about inner dialogue. I noticed in some places where you put it into use and that is great. The problem is that I couldn't always tell if it was inner dialogue or not. The obvious one was:

‘Focus, Ino! Healing, that’s what you are supposed to be doing now, no matter how built your patient may be!’

You used a single quotation mark to differentiate this inner dialogue from regular dialogue which uses a double. Not good. It's too easy to confuse the two. ALWAYS use italics. If your processing program doesn't allow italics, the FF preview/edit does.

I know I'm bombarding you with a lot of changes and advice. (Hey! You asked for it! ;) Anyway, by making the adjustments now and making yourself stick to them, they will become second nature over time and will facilitate your progress when you are older and able to give writing the attention you really want.

Now, onto your PMs. (Hmm...maybe I should charge a fee...)

;-) Lanse

I don't think that you did badly at the fighting scene. As a matter of fact, it was quite decent, as you say. I can commiserate easily with you-I face the same problem every time I have to write a fighting scene myself. But, don't worry, you did a very good job with it nonetheless.

And I most definitely liked the development so far. It was quite nice. Especially the last scene, where Ino healed Naruto's cuts. It was really cute, the thing itself as well as Naruto's ponderings afterwards. Very nice indeed.

I absolutely love it so far and I can only cross my fingers you're going to get all the feedback and problem-free week so you can write some more of your wonderfully enchanting story!

Yours sincerely,

DHA