Wasn't expecing that huge slab of speech to come out of Rude's mouth but it was an interesting angle to his history. I also enjoyed the fast paced action scene at the end. Keep it up.

- "Black Mambo ended at five thirty two AM a success.” (This doesn’t make sense. You should put a hyphen between thirty and two so that it is clearly 32 and not 30 2)

- …but a nuisance and hindrance to his rythem… (Should be ‘rhythm’)

- He sat back down, drawing out his automatic pistol and checking the clip and chambering the first round. (You already know my beef with this sentence, right?)

aardy.

Let me get the unpleasantries over with first...

- …refused to evacuate them when it seemed inevidable that… (Should be ‘Inevitable’)

- He had been so hopeful that one time leader of Avalanche would be willing to help… (He had been so hopeful that [the] one time leader of Avalanche would be willing to help…)

- Nomrally two thousand are stationed here… (Should be ‘Normally’)

- Varik turned and stormed away to one of the trucks, coroners present to take the body away for examination. (The sentence doesn’t make sense with a comma here. There should be a semi-colon. ‘Varik turned and stormed away to one of the trucks[;] coroners present to take the body away for examination.’)

- His phone rang from his shirt pocket, and he snatched it out and replied in an angry huff. (One too many ‘ands’ again. You can tell I’m not the biggest fan of conjunctions. D How about – ‘His phone rang from his shirt pocket. Snatching it out, he replied in an angry huff.’)

- "He was a...carpenter. He cut wood. He always smelled like sawdust." (There aren’t any grammatical errors here, but this line of dialogue struck me as slightly odd.)

- Holt stomped on the rogue's arm to hold it still, and he stooped down and undid the lock for the bracelet and removed the hazard. (Too many ‘ands’ again.)

- He took care not to aggrivate his arms (Should be ‘aggravate’)

Ok... so, lots of original characters are thrown in to the boiling pot. There's nothing wrong with it, but because it happens so fast I tend to lose track of who is who and what is what. That maybe just me though, and I'm sure once I continue to read I will stop being so confused. D

On a brighter note the extra characters are written nicely with some more witty and impressive dialogue. I think the scene with the Soldiers chasing the man through the alleyway and the vivid description of the mechanics of materia was brilliant. Showing a man with tendencies to dislike materia (possibly to the extent of a phobia? You would have to come with the name of that fear. D) is a very human touch. Who is to say everyone will find the idea of magic filled balls to be 'normal' even in worlds filled with monsters? It's a valid point.

Good update again; hopefully you will involve the other characters more than your originals (because after all, we are reading fanfiction. It's not to say your characters aren't interesting, it's just that there is a key demographic in your audience... and I personally would like more Reno! Hee hee.)

Keep up the goodness.

As allways, I bid you adieu for another chapter.

aardy.

Another great chapter. I feel the dialogue is really three dimentional and realistic, something that many find very difficult. The prose is working nicely and flowing smoothly still so you can bet after a few more chapters I will probably fav this story. I'm slowly getting hooked into the growing plot.

Another few mistakes I spotted. I'm a sucker for those kinds of things, even though I struggle to find them in my own work.

- The front door lead right into the living room… (Should be ‘led’)

- A hallway shot off to the left, probably to bedrooms and bathroom (A hallway shot off to the left, probably to bedrooms and [a] bathroom)

- He cracked it open and took a hearty chug and sighed, satisfied. (One too many ‘ands’ again; replace the first ‘and’ with a comma)

- "The tower is worthless, through." (The tower is worthless, though)

- Elena slapped a hand on the table, aggrivated. (Should be aggravated)

- Later, after dinner and drinks and casual banter and the sky lost it's color for the inky darkness of the night sky, the group opted to call it and night (Lots of oopsies in this sentence. A few too many ‘ands’ again. Also, “it’s” should have no apostrophe. The sentence flows better if you don't say the word 'sky' twice. Also should be “call it ‘a’ night.”)

Keep it up, as usual. Hope you get round to finishing this one before I get to the end.

aardy.

So far this is really shaping up to be a good story. The plot seems far more original than many others I have found on this site and the characterisation hasn't been given a back seat either (as is the case in many of my stories when dialogue and narrative call shotgun). The first few lines really drew me in and I can't help but love Reeve's old fashioned, somewhat anachronistic, gentle behaviour. Although I'm sure his original name is Reeve Tuesti - but it's nothing too major. Your grip of the English language is good to say the least with more difficult synonyms peppered into the prose.

There were a few simple things you might want to fix in this chapter. Such as;

"Will you at least her me out?" (should be 'hear' me out)

He swore at it, and Rude took it and carefully unscrewed the cap and began pouring out the first round. (Perhaps you should take out a few of the 'ands' in that sentence. It flows better if you write - "He swore at it, prompting Rude to take it from him, carefully unscrew the cap and pour out the first round.")

Dirts roads were being paved… (Should be 'Dirt' roads were being paved...)

There was a lot of bags and small materials in his space, (There 'were' a lot of bags and small materials in his space,)

…and covered by a shiny new fascade to ease the people's worries. (Spelling mistake. Fascade is spelt 'Facade')

Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more...

Man, you really know how to break a girl's heart. Poor Elena. Though I suppose given Reno's cocky personality and his attitude, having him react any other way would just be OOC. So, in light of that revelation, I think you did an awesome job portraying him as it were. Still though, poor Elena.

Its good to see Atma up and about after her ordeal; I can tell already I like her. She's tough and she won't hesitate to kick someone's arse if they need it. :) As for Reeve, its tough being the leader. But I think he wears the title proudly and does it justice. Cait Sith... cute, but slightly annoying. Oh well.

The climax to this tale is nearly upon us; its hard waiting, waiting to see what will happen next. But at least it captures the readers and keeps them coming back for more. ;) Good Luck with your muse and the future progress of your story and other projects.

*Blarg*

Thank you for updating! Poor Elena, Reno doesn't deserve her heart. My gosh, so many good characters...at first my head was spinning when I read this chapter because I was trying to remember who the OC characters were and what role they played in the story. But it came back to me eventually. We need a recap at the beginning of each chapter :-) Well, not really, I was able to go back into past chapters and refresh my memory...kinda like hitting rewind on a DVD :-)

Keep up the writing!

mar

Nice way to end the chapter! Ah, it makes me happy to see an update during the holiday season! I like the Reno and Elena business in the beginning, but it saddens me that Reno's such an ass monkey about it. Oh well. Anyway, this story has got me hooked, as you well know, and I can't wait for more. Keep it coming!

It's really cool i like how you got Elena and reno up! but i'm curiose since it'd been a VERY long time since i read it are the ALVECHES? Cloud and ecc?

Oh heck, I'd sure like to know how this story ends.

mar

I'm still reading this fic and have already finished chapter 12 after just starting the fic yesterday. Can you tell I'm interested in what happens next, in each and every chapter? :-) Sorry I didn't know about this back when you were first writing it so I could have encouraged you after each chapter. But know that I'm going to read all of this, even though I suspect that it hasn't been completed and may not be completed.

Great job with all the characters. Man, I hate some of them! Can't stand Varik! And the execution of all Soldiers is so wrong. It makes me concerned for the Soldiers who want to live good lives and lead good lives.

Anyway, on to the next chapter.

mar

Usually when I am reviewing a story that was written so quite a long time ago from the time I finally find it, I will wait and review the story on the final chapter. But this one seems almost like a novel, nice long chapters, and lots of action and characters and a very interesting plot. Thought I would go ahead and make some comments every chapter or so.

You've done well with Elena, Reno, Rude, and Reeve. It is always a joy to read them when they are written so 'in character'. And then you have also done a great job with your own new characters. You write them so well that they mesh seamlessly with E, R, R, and R. :-) I always thought it was funny that the turks and higher ups had so many folks whose names started with R...like Rufus :-)

Anyway, I'm going to be with this story to the final chapter...just telling you so that in case you haven't completed the story yet, you will have some time to get working on it before I get to the end :-)

Thanks for writing this...it is a lot of fun to read.

mar

What a nice birthday present, an update on this kick-ass story.

I enjoyed the ‘let’s talk about serious shit in our giant room’ scene in the beginning, and I’m really excited for what’s to come now. Hopefully a lot of ass-kicking.

That scene with Quint shooting Eberhard’s ankles is pretty cool. I’m not a sadist; I just really liked the imagery in that whole scene.

The part with Lari breaking down is so damn sad, but it’s very touching how Stoke takes care of her. All your OC’s are nice and rough around the edges.

I was kinda hoping that Reno would be less of an ass monkey after that, but then he had to get all “afraid of commitment” on us. Oh well. Elena’s first. What do you have to say about that, Mr. Red on the Head? I look forward to reading more on those two.

This story is so vivid and it’s easy to get lost in it. I feel like I’m watching a movie. A really good one. Keep it coming!

Yay reno come out of the shell!

Whoa, Tetra doesn’t take any shit from Yan, but it looks like she’s in trouble.

Turk bickering! I smiled like an idiot when Reno kissed Elena. I was hoping you’d write some romance between those two, so it was a pleasant surprise.

Hmm… I was just thinking… you’ve got a lot of interesting names for your characters. I’m wondering how you come up with them. Anyway, as I expected, my usual comments apply for this chapter. Lovin’ the dialogue and descriptions. I look forward to more.

Well, at least Hart listened to Reeve. Maybe everything won’t turn to shit for them. These are some high-stress work environments, aren’t they?

I love your Turks, especially Reno. Perfetto. And that action scene was wicked sweet. You’re so good at those.

Kind of a creepy ending there, with Yukio’s laugh, but I like it. Write on, dammit. I love this story.