Epic
Draco122

"How dare that DEMON touch our daughter! Well, let's just leave them, and go to bed. Let our only daughter sleep with someone we call DEMON." Yep, makes sense to me. Also, the whirling around and crying was pretty stupid, and the kissing was DEFINITELY stupid. Man, your really trying hard for a fast relationship. I mean, even just a little bit more effort to make it seem like they actually knew each other at all, instead of being two complete strangers, but "nah, this needs to happen fast!" Whatevs.

Well, its been six years since you've updated this story. I hope you plan on finishing it because its a great story! Be a shame for you to let it die.

This is pretty good-its intresting weither it is fast paced or not well anyways just a little advice when another character speaks its another paragraph not in the same as the others or they become run on paragraphs and some can get quite boring, and also remember just a little more detail will never hurt any one.

great story, are you still updating this one. I want to know what happens next.

great story hurry up and update it soon

update soon please, I like how sakura and ino are sharing naruto its cute. :p

You should update...if you don't wanna see mt bad side...truth is I only joined Darth Vader for the free cookies...wait, I'm getting off topic...anyways, PLEASE UPDATE SOON! _ Ja ne!

cool fic

good story keep it up im looking forward to more

good story I just think Naruto and Ino's relationship is too generic, be it your lack of experience in personal relationships or whatever but it seems more generic than realistic

Wow you really played Sasuke's character off as sick and twisted. I shall continue to read.

Hm very interesting start I would like what direction you'll take this story in. Oh I thought the NarutoXIno scene was well done but slightly rushed, although if neither understood why the kiss occurred then I guess it could be possible.

Awsome I am reviewing now but I like to review when I get to the end of it unless it's is great and I can't wait for the next chapter.

You have an interesting idea here, but your dialogue is formatted ALL wrong. Every time a new person speaks, you NEED to make a new paragraph. Even if someone says only one word, it still gets its own section. In your writing, you do not switch paragraphs whenever another character speaks, so all of your dialogue is squashed together, making it hard to understand exactly who it is that is speaking.

For example, you wrote:

“Morning, Ino-chan.” Ino mumbled something unintelligible before turning to face him and opened her eyes. “Morning, Naruto-kun. Feeling better?” She kept her voice down as she spoke and kissed Naruto softly on the lips. Naruto smiled and kissed her back before slowly sitting up, setting Ino next to him, and stretched, working the kinks out of his back from sleeping on the couch all night. “Much better, thanks to you.” Ino blushed at this and leaned on him, taking one of his hands in both of her considerably smaller ones, marveling at the strength she felt. “You’re welcome.” Naruto was about to say something else when the sound of someone clearing their throat caused both Naruto and Ino to spin around on the couch.

This should be spaced out something like the following:

“Morning, Ino-chan.”

Ino mumbled something unintelligible before turning to face him and opened her eyes. “Morning, Naruto-kun. Feeling better?” She kept her voice down as she spoke and kissed Naruto softly on the lips. Naruto smiled and kissed her back before slowly sitting up, setting Ino next to him, and stretched, working the kinks out of his back from sleeping on the couch all night.

“Much better, thanks to you.”

Ino blushed at this and leaned on him, taking one of his hands in both of her considerably smaller ones, marveling at the strength she felt. “You’re welcome.” Naruto was about to say something else when the sound of someone clearing their throat caused both Naruto and Ino to spin around on the couch.

Or, an example where the smashed together dialogue gets even more confusing:

After several awkward moments, Ino decided to speak. “Uh, what’s up?” If anything, this seemed to make the situation worse, since her dad immediately started yelling. “Don’t ‘what’s up’ us, young lady! What are you doing with that…that thing!” This statement drew stares from everyone, even his wife. “Um, dear? We’re not supposed to talk about that, remember?” Ino was less calm. “Thing! THING! Naruto-kun is not a thing!” “Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand, missy! Now, go to your room!” “But-“ “NOW!” Ino slowly stood up, and, after kissing Naruto on the cheek once more (which made her parents even angrier) and whispering “Sorry” to him, she stalked off to her room.

This should be split some something like this:

After several awkward moments, Ino decided to speak. “Uh, what’s up?” If anything, this seemed to make the situation worse, since her dad immediately started yelling.

“Don’t ‘what’s up’ us, young lady! What are you doing with that…that thing!” This statement drew stares from everyone, even his wife.

“Um, dear? We’re not supposed to talk about that, remember?”

Ino was less calm. “Thing! THING! Naruto-kun is not a thing!”

“Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand, missy! Now, go to your room!”

“But-“

“NOW!” Ino slowly stood up, and, after kissing Naruto on the cheek once more (which made her parents even angrier) and whispering “Sorry” to him, she stalked off to her room.

Not only does putting each time a new person speaks (or an old person speaks again, after having other characters speak after their statements) in a new paragraph make things much clearer to the reader, but it is much better for the pacing of the story.