Quite a story. It would feel more complete if you included an epilogue.

I just love this story. It's totally true to the Love Hina characters (one exception), and believable. I also appreciate the prose. I love reading good writing, and this story has that. It's a professional work, IMO. I have this on my mobile, and I find myself often reading it just to savor the integrity of the story and the elegance of the writing. Good job.

A good horror story. Gripped me from the start (first several chapters - expecting the horror, then - actually seeing it). It was kinda obvious that Shinobu would be the one to go schizo, though it still remained to be seen how exactly.

But then, by 5th chapter, I stopped caring and just wanted her to die. The girl dared harm the turtle! Tch, she should've grovelled and begged and wailed in misery some more before she died. Poor Tama.

The story itself was pretty good and how things were developing was natural for the most part. Several things stood out though:

1) The characters were stupid. Were being stupid, I mean. The girl was, despite her craziness (because of it?), inexperienced in that whole 'kill everyone without letting them realize it was you' thing; time and time againg gave herself away through actions (seriosly, WHY would she cook the turtle? what purpose did it serve? did it just look so damn tasty? or was it her most fearsome enemy, the super teenage mu- ...I mean, the super turtle that could easily spoil all her plans? how exactly? And no one noticed that Tama is gone, just a little while ago they had a TURTLE soup for dinner, Shinobu went rigid when questioned on the topic, AND she is, 'coincedently', the only one 'sees' the turtle after the meal? I admit, it did work as a way to show that the girl went completely and irrevocably batshit insane, but it didn't make sense! ...um, so yeah.) and the way she held herself, how she behaved. And only one person notices. Kitsune _was_ the most likely one to notice, though, being the most adult-like mindset-wise. Still, the way everyone seemed to be in denial just because it was Shinobu who was under doubt("She is acting suspicious... But it's Shinobu, it can't be her!", "All the clues point to her... But let's not do anything, it is Shinobu after all, she's harmless!", "OH MY GOD SHE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE AND A CRAZED LOOK IN HER EYES! THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER IT! ...but then again, Shinobu." - exaggerated, but the general feel is there.), it was unnatural. Even taking into account that people were breathing in that toxin or whatever and some of them were perpetually in heat, they were acting too clueless. Scratch that, the horniness was the biggest clue. It's like, everybody knew there was something wrong, but they were deliberately not thinking about it. Especially Motoko. Basically, it felt like the characters - Keitaro, Kitsune - nearly figured the situation out in the beginning, and were being forcefully kept from reaching the conclusion till the end of the story by the author. So really, the stupidity was just somewhat too forced.

2) That's pretty much it, except for the little things, like Motoko not being able to escape from the pit (it's Motoko after several years of training at that) and characters almost realizing something's wrong before suddenly getting their thoughts cut off... it just got old after awhile.

It is understandable that most of it was done to keep the plot smoothly going. Just saying some parts were unnatural to a certain extent. The story _is_ interesting, but could feel better overall if character's actions were more believable.

0.0

wow...

awesome historia!

You forgot to mention what happened to Naru. Everyone else's fate is known but Naru's. Did she ever wake up?

This is a terrible, terrible story. That having being said, it is amazingly well written and totally fucking creepy! I hope you continue to write more stories(just not ones that give me more nightmares)

Wow.

Very creepy, the last person you would expect to do that would be Shinobu. I liked that Kitsune was the 'hero' but I think that even buried in the muck Motoko would have crawled out to exact vengence, she is a master martial artist...

It would be nice to see an afterwords/conclusion. Poor Tama-chan Mutsumi will be devastated.

o.o

Dear god that was disturbing.

I simply wanted more after rereading Steel Rose so I clicked on your profile and stumbled on this well crafted number. While horror isn't usually what I go for I find that it being written by you warrants an exception. As usual the grammar, and characterization are spot on, the latter no doubt helped by your friend Hawker :P but the unorthodox plot is what really impressed me. Truly a winner and I'll be sure read some of your other work in the very near future.

Yeah, this chapter only left me with more questions than answers. I get what the pill actually does (it seems to heighten the senses) but how the hell did it drive Shinobu nuts? Was it the combination of side effects, mixed with Shinobu's past feelings for keitaro, that sent things awry? Was she already kind of nuts and the pills just helped things along? And is the Weismann Institute a reference to something, an actual place, or did you make it up?

I'm sorry for asking so many questions, but the last chapter confused me more than it helped.

Other than that, I think the story was amazingly well done. Most of the changes were all gradual and unexpected. I found Kitsune and Sarah's paranoia and survival instincts were very in-character. It would've been interesting to throw Haruka into the mix, but the story honestly works better without her. I think that this was a wonderful masterpiece, and that you are an incredible author.

This is the greatest, creepiest, most amazing thing I've ever seen! I've been working on more constructive feedback, but there really is nothing bad to say about this! I hope you at least start to explain what the Weismann Institute has to do with everything, since you haven't updated in two years and I'd rather not be forever pondering the question. Any chance of a spoiler reply?

Extremely well-done. I was surprised there could ever be as good of a fan-fic as this one. All of the characters are aced. 100% of what they would have done. Congratulations, you should become an author.

Ah... lovely story. The suspense, the dark thrills that I felt. So good! It was so sad to see Shinobu go and cause those things but the story would have never been so good... good job.

Gotta love this fic!

This story is genius, simply genius. The way you made every character act, the plot twists, everything was executed perfectly.