Nice story. I'm working on one too. Check it out when you get the time to.

Well, I understand that this is your first story, but...Grammar! Let's see...I'll try to help you out a bit. I have limited time, unfortunately, so I'll just do the first chapter, perhaps, but I hope this will help...

First, the title and the summary.

Enemies, not 'enimies'. Also, everything in a title is capitalized but 'and', 'or', 'but', ect. So you would need to capitalize 'enemies', 'new', and 'allies'.

Summary:

/The tactician has returned a year after the defeat of nergal as a unknown figure is distroying villiages through out elibe. As the tacticians past is revealed will eliwood and the others be able to stand up to the new enenmy or will they fall to the enemy/.

If you do not have good grammar in your summary and title, you won't get many readers. And you do have an okay idea here, so...Let's see...

The first sentence is a bit of a run-on sentence. It just doesn't flow. And Nergal is a name. Elibe is a name. Capitalize them, please. _ Also, 'destroying', not 'distroying' and 'villages' not 'villiages'. It may read better as:

/The tactician has returned a year after the defeat of Nergal. An unknown figure is destroying villages throughout Elibe./

Or, you could do:

/The tactician has returned a year after the defeat of Nergal, just as an unknown figure is destroying villages throughout Elibe./

Personally, I believe the first reads better than the second.

The next sentence is more or less okay. However, the grammar needs work...

'tacticians' should have an apostraphe. You are saying the 'past' belonging to the tactician, so you need to have that defining apostraphe. Also, a comma after 'revealed' will divide up the sentence and make it flow better. Eliwood is a name. Capitalize it. 'Enemy' not 'enenmy'. For /will they fall to the enemy/, I would suggest taking out /to the enemy/. As you already defined that they are fighting "the enemy", the last bit is just repetitive. And DON'T forget your question mark!

It should read:

/As the tactician's past is revealed, will Eliwood and the others be able to stand up to the new enemy or will they fall?/

Now...I'm sorry if that seemed a bit much to take in and a bit blunt. I'm running out of time, and I want to at least give you advice on the first chapter.

/And so serra and erk fans know before they read any further erk's with pricillia and serra's with luicus. /

Capitalize names! It isn't too difficult, right? You are writing a story; it needs to look professional. Take the time to capitalize names. 'Priscilla' is how you spell her name, not 'pricillia'. And, um...'Lucius', not 'luicus'. Also, divide up your sentences with commas. A good test (though not always perfect) is to read your sentence out loud. Whenever you pause in reading it, you should put a comma or a period.

This would read:

/And so Serra and Erk fans know before they read any further, Erk's with Priscilla and Serra's with Lucius./

'Matthew', not 'Mathew'.

I'm just browsing through the first part, but a particular pet peeve of mine is 'Could of'. It should be 'Could have'.

Long introductions are generally frowned upon, so just be wary. Also, if your author's notes are longer than your story...There's a bit of a problem.

Now, onto the chapter.

/:A small village near the borders of phrea:/

'Pherae', not 'phrea'.

/The clouds over head started to rain as darkness came to the village. /

'Overhead' should be one word.

/Merchants started to close there shops as families retreated into the safety of there homes to get out of the rain. /

'Their', not 'there' for both cases. 'Their' is possessive.

/and people left the streets only one lone figure stood outside of the village looking at the ground. /

Two commas missing:

/and people left the streets, only one lone figure stood outside of the village, looking at the ground. /

/He wore a green cloak covering his body with a hood covering his face. /

It doesn't make sense to say he 'wore' a cloak and 'covering' his body. You would have to get rid of one or the other. The sentence would make sense as:

/He wore a green cloak with a hood covering his face./

Or:

/A green cloak covered his body and a hood covered his face./

Though the second is somewhat redundant.

/"Time for some excitement" the figure said as thunder sounded./

Punctuation rules for dialouge:

1. Always start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.

2. Comma! /"Time for some excitement," the figure said as thunder sounded./

/He raised his right hand which was in a gauntlet and waved it. /

It just doesn't flow...It would be better if you seperated the gauntlet information...such as:

/He raised his right hand, which was in a gauntlet, and waved it./

/Lightning came down from the clouds and struck some of the houses setting them on fire. /

Comma! /Lightning came down from the clouds and struck some of the houses, setting them on fire. / Commas show new thought. 'Setting them on fire' is an independent thought from the striking of the lightning. It has to be seperated within the sentence.

/He waved his left hand which was in a gauntlet also and fire balls rained down either hitting those who where running or more buildings./

...The 'was in a gauntlet also' is somewhat redundant. If he is wearing a gauntlet on one hand, it makes sense that he would also wear one on his left hand. 'Where' should be 'were'. Also...Comma!

/He waved his left hand and fire balls rained down, either hitting those who were running or hitting more buildings./

/The figure just laughed as he sent more fire and lightning down onto the village as dark energy came from the streets below the running and screaming people./

Wow. This is a run-on sentence. Let's see.../The figure just laughed as he sent more fire and lightning down onto the village./

Good. That's a good sentence, let's leave it at that.

/Dark energy came from the streets below the running and screaming people./

There. Two reasonable, correct sentences. There's no need to cram as much information as possible into a single sentence when two makes it so much clearer.

/"Let fire and thunder fall as though rain upon the people while darkness comes forth to consume the weak. The blood of many shall flow as though it was a great river through the streets and screams of death and fear shall be the norm as though they were a birds song"/

Wow again. First, let me just say: Very poetic. I like it.

Alright, now the grammar errors. Again, the punctuation rules. Make sure you start a new paragraph!

Now, the first sentence is good as is. The second...Well, this follows a more obscure grammar rules (I had to look it up to be sure. :D) Basically, 'blood' in this case is plural, not singular. Therefore, it needs a plural verb. So the sentence should read /The blood of many shall flow as though it _were_ a great river through the streets./

If we stop the sentence there, we can divide it into two understandable (and quite good. I love the imagery here) sentences.

Therefore, his entire speech would read:

/"Let fire and thunder fall as though rain upon the people while darkness comes forth to consume the weak. The blood of many shall flow as though it were a great river through the streets. Screams of death and fear shall be the norm as though they were a bird's song,"/

Now, that last bit.../as though they were a bird's song/ should likely be /as though they were birds' songs/, since the screams are plural.

/as he saw people running out of the village and into the surrounding forests to get out of the rain and away from the spells./

Rain? Rain seems like a pretty tame concern right now compared to fire and lightning. Unless you meant 'the rain of spells', in which case you should specify.

/The fire, lighting and the dark energy slowed them down as the people in the village died and the buildings became ruins./

Um? 'slowed them down'? What does that mean, exactly? It might make more sense to say 'stopped them' or 'killed them' maybe? I'm not sure what you're saying here...

Also, 'the dark energy' does not need its own 'the'. Leave it as /The fire, lightning and dark energy/. I really do not understand this sentence, I am afraid...

/The figure turned around and walked towards the forests smiling as he watched them run for their lives./

Comma! /The figure turned around and walked towards the forests, smiling as he watched them run for their lives./

You may also wish to clarify 'them', though you don't have to in this case.

/"Time for a hunt" the figure said as the last lighting bolt fell and shinned off a blade the figure was drawing as he went into the forest./

Again, a new paragraph, and your comma! Now...'Lightning', not 'lighting'. Also, 'fell'? That doesn't seem to describe lightning very well. Perhaps /as the last lightning bolt lit up the sky/? Then it would work with the next bit. 'Shined', not 'shinned', by the way. And 'was drawing' is passive. It would be better in a story if you use active verbs. So instead, it would be /shined off a blade the figure drew as he went into the forest./

/A couple of minutes later after the figure entered the forest screams of pain and fear rang out along with a evil laugh./

/A couple of minutes later/ already lets us know that it was after the figure entered. Therefore, it is not necessary to tell us again. So it could either be:

/A couple of minutes later, screams of pain and fear rang out along with an evil laugh./

Or:

/A couple of minutes after the figure entered the forest, screams of pain and fear rang out along with an evil laugh./

Also...'An', not 'a'. 'An' is used when the following work begins with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) and 'a' is used for all the rest.

/:Dragons Gate at Valor Isle:/

Possessive. "Dragon's Gate".

/The dragons gate glowed as a small portal opened at the base of the gate. /

'Dragon's Gate' should be capitalized (It's a place) and it is possessive, again. Also, using 'the gate' at the end is redundant. You can simply use 'it'.

/A figure in a dark cloak with the hood covering his face quickly ran out and stopped to catch his breath./

This one is just nit-picky on my part. He stops to catch his breath _after_ he runs out, no? It should read /quickly ran out and then stopped to catch his breath./

/"After a year I'm finally free of that blasted place" the figure said./

I'm sure you're sick of reading this by now, but...Punctuation rules! _

Also, comma after /"After a year/. Just on an off-note, you use 'figure' a lot in this. You may wish to quickly check 'figure' in the Thesaurus to see if you can use a different word and change it up a bit. Just a suggestion, though.

/He turned around and saw a dragons claw raise out at him. /

'dragon's claw', possessive. And there's a tense change in there. 'Raise' is present tense. It should be 'raised'.

/He quickly took out a tome and cast a elf fire spell into the portal. /

First, 'an', not 'a', as Elfire begins with a vowel. 'Elfire', not 'el fire'. And I believe the names of the tomes are capitalized, though I'm not sure.

/"Shut up you stupid beasts" the figure said as the claw went back to the other side. /

Punctuation rules!

Also, there should be a comma: "Shut up, you stupid beasts,"

/The figure smiled as he disappeared and the portal closed sucking the claw back in./

Somewhat confused, here. So the figure disappears, and the portal closes? At the same time?

And there should be a comma: /the portal closed, sucking the claw back in./

/A couple of minutes later another portal opened and another figure ran out./

- /A couple of minutes later, another portal/

/"I can't believe he got out. I have to warn the others" the figure said as he ran into the darkness and the portale closed again./

Punctuation rules! ;)

And 'portal', not 'portale'.

/Well there's the bigging./

Um...Beginning, perhaps?

Okay...Phew. *takes a deep breath* That was quite long. Far longer than I thought it'd be. Anyway, you've got the premisis for a good story. My suggestions to you are:

1. Be more careful. Read over what you write multiple times. Find a free internet spell checker, or use a dictionary. Honestly, not having spell check isn't an excuse with all of the online dictionaries around.

2. Do research! If you aren't sure about a character's name (Priscilla or Lucius) or a place's name (Pherae), look it up! It's as simple as going to Wikipedia, or even just playing the game again.

3. Look for a beta. They truly are nice people, and they will always be willing to help. Trust me, I know. I'm a beta myself, and I have a beta who helps me. They'll help you to catch the mistakes you miss. Though this shouldn't be a substitute for the above two suggestion, you should probably still do it. Betas are your friends! :D

Well, I hope this helped! Your next chapter seems a bit better, so just keep writing! It takes practice, but you'll get better! _

~Kali

great job and the separate fic thing is a good idea go ahead and do it if you want

Not bad, not bad. You got my ocs right and they got some air time. I hope to see them much more often but it was a good entrance anyway. now, I wanna see Alec vs Katie, he doesn't have to win, but a tie would be nice, simply because although james is the main hero he doesn't need to be noticed when hes busy planning. Also I've got a great idea for a neutral country in this story.

Motivoak: A land far to the north of James home country, Motivoak (also known as Devils heart) is a realm of ice, snow, blizzards and treasure. Centurys ago a great war between the kingdoms was fought there and many rare and valuble items still wait, in perfect condition, beneath the icy plains. this realm is home to the fierce Motiva tribes, the counter parts of the Sacaen nomads. With thier deadly polar bear riders and berzerkers, these tribesmen have eked out a living in the harsh snowy lands. What truely calls to all, from adventureres to power seekers, is a hidden valley known as the Dragons graveyard. It is where Dragons went to die before the wars between them and humans, and a great temple blocks the only entryway into the graveyard. Only one who has dragon blood in his veins could open the gate to the last Dragon holy ground, and the supreme magicks hidden within, but where could one of dragon blood be found, if they are all dead or have fled across the sea?

Great story. Seems to have been a while since anything was added.

PS. You really should pick on Canas and Lyn a bit more. Try to drag Marcus into it.

Testing?...Like...human testing?

Not bad, not bad. I like a little more romance in my storys, but its got flavour at least. I will also send you a message for some charecters of my design, because designing ocs is a dumb hobby of mine.

GREAT JOB! update soon and put me in a battle scene thx. :ROAR!: QUIET YOU! :ROAR!: FINE, I'LL TELL HIM. Anyhow my demon side says have me have a split personality, demon side/ Human side you don't have to bye!:ROAR!:

Look, I'm feeling slightly picky today so...I'm going to make a list of the most noticeable grammatical, spelling and game related errors you've made in this chapter.

1. Elfire

2. Spelt

3. There's

4. Beaten

5. Matthew

6. Coming

7. Business

8. Sacaens

9. Personal

10. Highest 'ranking' knight

11. remember to use '?' marks

12. Elimine

13. won't

14. Enemies

15. smelt

16. we'll

17. course

18. himself

19. someone

Those were the most apparent to myself. I am not trying to flame, but to merely make a point. Perhaps you should use a program with a spellcheck feature. And fix the title if you can. Keep on updating.

Here is a hint, when you play the chap. on which you get Vaida place 3 people in the lower left corner with either Lyn, Hector, or Eliwood at the third space up from the bottom. Then when Vaida appears have the person right next to her talk to her. As for my character I understand why I can't have everything I asked for but... at least let me be able to use anima, staves, swords, and bows. Oh and i don't need lvl. S just something higher then C, ok? And by the way... tell Lyn that at least my evil side didn't make a suggestion. :SHIVER: go with my plan or my evil side might make a suggestion... by the way, he is rather perverted.

Master Tacticion Haken Blackfire, the Lord of the Immortal Fire

P.S. Sorry 'bout the long review. Keep up the Great work!

*blink blink* What? NO! Not another cliff-hanger! I have to many stories in my favorites list that have updated but left cliff-hangers! *eyes bleed red*UPDATE VERY SOON! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *eyes return to normal* Sorry about that was my evil side. I say update soon(not very soon, but soon). And keep up the good work while your at it. Have you beat the game?

And as for Lyn... stick her in the cage with Mathew for a month or two. Mwa ha ha ha...

Master Tacticion Hakan Blackfire, the Lord of the Immortal Fire

If your gonna write a story on Fire Emblem then you should play the game at the same time so you get the spelling/actual name write. What you call "Elf Fire" is actual El Fire(or ElFire...it has been a while since i last played)! It isn't that hard to do is it? Anyway if I had a character his name would be Hakan Blackfire, and he would have midnight blue hair and eyes and would have lvl S in swords, axes, lances, bows, anima, light, and dark magic, and could weild staves.

Master Tacticion Hakan Blackfire, the Lord of the Immortal Fire

P.S. Please excuse my going after about the grammer but it has been so long since I have played the ORIGINAL Fire Emblem that, well I just want it done correctly. Please? Oh and my character would have been a friend from James's past that he had half forgotten, you never mentiond alot about his "kid" yrs. like age 4-8 or something like that. Bye!

ok, i haven't played the game in two years and i still remember the "Serra's" name is spelled Seirra... and you forgot the capitols on the names to erk, Erk, pricillia,(wince)Pricilla, luicus, Lucius, and yes they are a cute couple but Seirra and Erk is better. good start though keep it up, Mathew don't kill him til he finishes the story, thanks.

Master Tacticion Haken Blackfire, the Lord of the Immortal Fire

So Zaien is actually good, or...is he leading her into a trap while Karsk is secretly good, and trying to quarter off evil zombies!

Well, probably not, but my first guess makes mores sense.

took a while but it was worth it, very interesting chapter