very interesting story and very detailed description.

A little advice: you should try to make shorter sentences. Short sentences are easier to read. Anyway you did a great job.

A very good introduction that captures the reader's attention and curiosity.

Great work, Phil

Hmm, I could have sworn that I'd already reviewed this...

Anyway, it's a really interesting start. There are some problems with flow and grammar, but you have a poetic sense to your descriptions that is very pleasant to read. I hope you post the revamped version soon!

I have been editing my story, thoroughly. Really, I'm not fibbing. My new first chapter is much, much better. 'Kay. This was my first stab at not only fanfics but a long story (more than 50 words) in general. I wanted to show every view of the world of Ash but it really didn't work. I'm burying this draft of my story, a'ight. Cool. Laterz.

~TheShadow(signsOFF)

As you can probably tell from the screenname, I usually hang out in the Movies - Star Wars category. So I've seen some pretty bad stories. You know the kind-poorly spelled, grammar and plot optional, you know what I'm talking about...right?

My experience with this category is limited. So I'm hoping there are at least a few here with some respect for those that have to read it. As for yours...well. I've read the first chapter, although the jury is still out on whether "read" or "struggled through" would be a more appropriate verb. I'm not trying to be mean here, but give me a break!

The run-ons were amazing. And it wasn't just one spectacular one. Over and over and over again. I could cite you line and paragraph, but frankly, there were just too many for me to go back through and pick them all out.

The adjectives you chose were downright confusing. Sure, it may sound good in your head, but it really doesn't make much sense out on paper.

I realize that this is a site for amateur writing, but you're really pushing the envelope with this one!

Damn. I hate it when this website mangles reviews. I feel like a prize moron. That review was comprehensible when *I* wrote it. Let me try to clarify...

2)There is a rather spectacular example of a run-on sentence that begins: "I pelted him of course since I don't like anything to go to waste after I fried up his gritty meat..." and that is what I meant to put there. This sentence could easily be broken up into at least four smaller sentences.

3) (Which was, for some reason, cut out completely) Verb tense agreement. If you start a sentence in the past, it needs to stay in the past. For example: "I check quiver and noticed that I was running low", and "I revisited my camp and sat on my bedroll and rekindled the fire and sleep under the stars"

1 and 4 appeared mostly intact. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused-I've been experiencing computer trouble recently, as well as website trouble. Here's to hoping this one comes out full.

Okay, this is going to be a long review. You can stop reading right now if you have anything against constructive criticism.

1) Your word choice leaves something to be desired. Phrases like "anomalous chapter", "white with buoyancy", and "diminutively spiked lush grass" do not convey your point. Or any point, for that matter. They confuse the reader-or at least they confused me. If you use simpler wording, or even just wording more appropriate to the object you are describing, it makes it much clearer.

2) You have a recurring problem with run-on sentences. For example: "I pelted him of course since I don'devour".

4) You also appear to have homonym issues. Most notable among them is the difference between "their" and "they're", but I also noticed confusion between several other homonym pairs.

Those were the four biggest issues I saw in your writing, at least as far as grammar goes. If you have any questions about this review, my email is on my bio page under the same name.

Some amusing bits in a very good chapter

I like Punkin. Still I hadn't actully finished beta reading that or even started on chapter 11. Good chapter

Good chapter, intresting in Sharwayn's background

Sorry to review only Chapter 1, well, you see, I haven't got more time now :-(. What I have to say is : GREAT! I'm beginning to understand what's the "depth" my story lacks :-). Will continue later, and keep on reviewing, I'm a faithful reader! Sofia x

Decent chapter. You write okay battle scenes and seem to know a bit about weapons. I don't think you've played through the original storyline in a long while. A lot of your story doesn't make sense. And what the hell is your character a Bard/ Arcane Archer/ Fighter or something. I mean a one hit kill by a Bard with a longbow. I want to see your character sheet on her from the game. I beat it's hacked or she's on level 35 or above to be able to do all the things she's able to do. BTW- I beat you don't even know Sharwyn's last name. Other than all those problems, your story and writing seems to be getting better with more chapters so maybe your next chapters will be decent enough to read. One hit kills with a longbow, give me a break. Readers like realism.

I'm willing to try as Beta reader, I won't change your style just your grammer.

*blushes* No problem

Scared of the undead huh? Intresting. Anyway good chapter

Dear Shadow!

On the whole - a good job, but you seem not to have respect for your readers! I won't mention the way you change the game characters' names (Fenthink?). I won't mention the grammar. Spelling check is a must for you, however. It was pain for my eyes to read it...

Well, the story IS very promising and I forced myself to read it to the latest chapter - you have decent ideas and interesting style of your own. Just do something with the spelling because it absolutely KILLS your fic!

Keep it up.

You need to work on your spacing with this chapter. You made Sharwyn slightly overboard. Pretty good chapter