I liked this. It was very good.

This must be the third or fourth time I've read this, but it's great every time. I absolutely love how you characterize Revan and Malak, especially in their younger years.

To be posted 2 Apr 2010 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critic’s Two Cents.

I will tag those I liked as pick of the week. Check at StarwarsKnights for the best of the best.

Pre KOTOR: Malak and Revan meet and become friende

This line, ‘Calling upon the code at times of indiscretion warrants greatly’ confused me. It should be quite, not quiet.

The piece is fun because we rarely see this part of their lives. Revan before she is ten, Malak unsure of what he must do, sure, Revan is just proving herself better. The end is preordained, but well wrought.

Pick of the Week

I loved this story. Aside from the minor grammar errors and occasional POV shifts, I thought it was written perfectly, and I'm looking forward to reading the sequels!

AMAZING story. Keep up the good work!

Review as promised (and I don't know why you won't put this on KFM, silly girl). You know I'm not the world's biggest Malak fangirl, but rarow. You're doing your best to make me change my mind, aren't you?

Favorite pieces of characterization:

-Malak seems to have a bit of past when we first meet him, as if competition and being the best is a big part of where's he's from. I like it.

-Revan hasn't practiced a response for Vrook to say yes. Nice little internal thought.

-I like the repeated flow of Malak's fear and regret. I love when he has that delusional moment when he thinks things can go back to normal. I also like that he knows he's stronger.

-I LOVE the description of Revan's love as a vine. That was beautiful and an excellent explanation for the feeling.

-I like the Force Adept Mandalore.

-I love that Revan hates the Republic soldiers' hope as she faces Mandalore.

-I like Bastila's master chiding her for blocking her emotions too much-a very insightful characterization, I think.

-I LOVE the voice of the Star Forge and how Malak uses the words from the game on Dantooine. I really like that it's the only spot in the story where you lift dialogue from the game. It makes it very powerful.

-I like Revan on Telos, pretending to be normal, that for a little while, she still can.

Favorite lines:

-"Hormones were the way to the dark side"

-"What do sixteen-year-old girls like?"

"He would leave thr order for her" (it came at such an early, perfect spot)

-"It's not hard with all the crap you do"

"I'm Revan ... and you're not that good at keeping your emotions to yourself either."

Some possible suggestions (if you ever come back to this):

-Minor point: In a few places you had a switching prespective that was a little jarring. For example, on Taris, you switch back and forth between Juhani's perspective and Revan's, sometimes within the same paragraph. It might be easier to follow if, as you do for most of the story, each section is focused on one character's perspective.

-I wasn't entirely clear on why Revan went to look for the Star Forge in the first place. I think that explanation could be explored a little more.

-It felt to me like you have two different stories: one that tells their lives as Jedi and ends on Dantooine and another that tells of the search for the Star Forge and their fall. I really like the first part as is, with little flashes and glimpses into their past. You've set up some really great moments in the search for the Star Forge that could be really amazing if developed. I guess I felt that the quickness and the jumping ahead in time worked really well for the first half, but that maybe the second half needed to be told a bit more leisurely. That would make them seem like separate stories to me.

All right. There you have it. I think this is a really well-done story. You're very good (both here and in your other pieces) at mixing humor and pathos. It's such an important balance to strike, and you seem to have a real knack for it. For the sake of all us who need a few laughs mixed in with our angst, keep up the good work.

Awesome work! As was mentioned before, a careful proofreading would improve your work, but that's nothing a grammar nut won't fix. I've never really liked the idea of a Revan/Malak relationship, but you make it work. I love how it progresses and changes, but you give hints that it will. Very well done, keep up the good work!

Nice story, I hope you do the sequel!

I really liked this and thought this story was very good. I encourage you to get a beta (everyone should have one - a good beta is indispensable) to clean up some of the distracting homonym, grammar and punctuation issues that distract from your lovely story.

Also, I noticed in the first chapter that in a couple of scenes you shift point of view between characters an awful lot. Personally, I think it's okay to do this, but if you do it too much it becomes somewhat distracting.

I think that my favorite chapter was chapter two, and the growing relationship between Revan & Malak. Then again, I'm a sucker for a good romance. ;)

Anyway, well done. I hope to see more from you!

That was a charming read, although there are some spelling/grammatical mistakes here and there - nothing a thorough proofreading won't get rid of, mind, but they are there. I thought the Revan/Malak is a bit sugary at the start, but in the long run, it works. What I like most of all, I think, is Revan's initiation into the Sith ways and her progress through them. The attention to details in general is also quite good. And of course it's always good to see a pre-game story in a sea of game novelizations. (I have nothing against them, but there's only so much you can do to make it refreshing and new.)

Aww...they're cute! It's a little scary, to be honest. But definitely cute. I like your Revan. Are you going to write more?

Very nice work. I have never been a fan of Malak and Revan being lovers, but that is only me. I do love Revan and Bastila though. In any cse, good work, and look forward to seeing these *sequels*