Please keep on posting chapters dude! I'm loving this series..ITS EVEN BETTER THAN JOJO!

Best fight you wrote so far.
Holy shizzzz Ying’s Stand OP (not OP enough though hehehe)

I kinda found Sha Lin’s personality out of place, when compared to his voice lines from the game.
Still this was gooooddd. Better details, very original idea and well executed too.

One thing that surprised me was how you made it possible that the characters from the Resistance were portraited as actual bad guys. Never expected to really see that, or for anyone to even pull it off. Good job, I really enjoyed this chapter

Cherry Pie~

I found this chapter (6) better and an improvement on the one before (5). To be honest I love the way you make up the story. The situations you put the characters in are creative and feel like they fit pretty well within the world of Paladins.

One little detail I want to mention, I like that Furia just calls herself “Sarah” and gets called so in the story, since her Stand is basically Furia and she is still her former self. It’s a nice detail.
Also reaaaallllyy curious for the final battle between Seris (aka Sarah’s sister) and the main heros of the story. Like how is Sarah going to act and what she is going to say? And what’s going to happen? I’m so cuurioouuuss

Again humor is one of the strong points of this story. The characters are written very unique and with their own “voice” Which means that they’re recognizable by their dialogue and actions. For example I absolutely loooovvveee Lian’s line that seems to come back every chapter. The “what a pain...” is just simply hilarious and very fitting for her character.

Though sometimes things seem a little... out of place. There are moments where I feel fully intrigued in the story and I really enjoy it.

But to talk about the critizing part of this review, some moments do not.
Eh it’s hard to really pinpoint them (which is a good sign because it shows that you still manage to make them successful despite a few shortcomings)
I said before I enjoyed reading your action scenes because you wrote them so well. Which I started to feel doubtful about reading chapter 5, but it got fixed again in chapter 6. I’d say the fight with Grover was just better written and dare I say “more creative” than the other one. Just stay aware of the way you describe situations and happenings and action scenes. Because you have shown you can write them well, so try keeping this consistent.

When it comes to the Stands, I have a bit of a split opinion on it. I like it, it’s creative and unique and I like the idea of the characters having the ones they have. I also like the name references, dialogue references and more from the game that come back in the story.
The one thing that bugs me is: it’s a little confusing. Which I think is the main issue in your action scenes too. I can honestly say your descriptions are well written, but still I find it sometimes difficult to read through your scenes without having to reread them and take pauses to try understand what happened. Which really takes the immersion away. Just take note of this and do your bestest you can when writing

And something I mentioned in my other comment: spelling errors. There where a lot more in these last few chapters (I counted at least 10) than the other chapters, which is a shame. I seriously suggest you try find them and fix them, because it sometimes really breaks the immersion while reading.

Again all this is just things I noticed that can use improvement. I really like the story. I mean I wouldn’t keep reading if I didn’t.
So seriously keep it up. Idk when you’re going to release a new chapter. And I understand that this is a review on the 6st chapter while there are 17 in total and anything I mention here can’t be used writing the next chapters I’m about to read.
I still hope this can help you write new chapters and even stories.

Much love

Cherry Pie~

I Really like this so far.

Paladins stories are pretty rare, and even rarer is a “good” Paladins story. But I seem to have found one. I really like it so far and have some things to say.

Pros

action scenes. I am very impressed by your writing, escpecially action scenes since those are ones I struggle with myself. You’re able to create a realistic and detailed scene which is really nice to read. Also you got the technic down of not reusing the same words. And writing separate sentences that fit well together.

Character. It can be tough to really get into a Paladins character to write them correctly. This is escpically hard because they can be taken either way, but you still managed to write both Sarah and Lian with a fitting voice and actions. (I assume more characters will join the story in later chapters, so I’m curious to see how you’ll handle them)

Jokes. Paladins has its puns and jokes in game, and I like you making your own in this story. (Highly appreciate the mention of Furia’s thicc thighs) so probs on that

Cons

Spelling errors. They happen, and they’re something you easily miss when editing your story. I suggest getting a beta reader, escpically becaus this is a long story with multiple chapters.
It will just look this bit more clean and professional if you focus on this.

Some things go a bit fast. The time between reading and the happenings in the story are sometimes a little too far apart. In an action scene it makes sense, as things always seem to go fast, but still you manage to perfectly detail those scenes. So I would like to see this a little more in the more “calm, serious and dialogue heavy” scenes.

Please note that I’ve only read the first 2 chapters of your story so far and I will give you another review when I get further in.
This might mean that anything I’ve mentioned you might have already improved upon.

I just wanna say, good job. You have a nice story and I really enjoy reading it. Keep it up and work hard -

Cherry Pie~

Rip drogoz, you won't be missed

And nice (prob) Tyra's Cameo at the end.

Get rekt Skye.

Let's hope that in wherever tf is Seris, seems she had influeced a lot of people within the realm