Damn... can we get an F in chat for Dalieya?

Thanks for this,loved it! Look forward to more.

I'm enjoying this story a lot can you continue the story please

I could just imagine the look on her face if she saw the music on my phone... I mean I have some pretty depressing songs about the horrors of war, like Passchendaele by Iron Maiden, or One by Metallica.

Then again, she could've gotten the DOOM (2016) soundtrack with the first Doom Slayer testament followed by Rip and Tear...

Why do you care, DB? Authors can do anything yhey want.

I like where the story has been going. Keep it up dude.

Time to turn on the MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!

Wait why are Pokemon lower cased?

Also why does it feel bland... *sigh* You didn't follow St Elmo's Fire advice did you?

keep up the excellent work my friend! hope to see more from you.

Incredible job so far. Definitely looking forward to more chapters.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[shining it's rays]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[my voice someone deep]

I don’t think “someone” is the word you meant here.

["That voice is kinda right, I guess." I thought]

The same punctuation and capitalization rules that apply to dialogue also apply to thoughts. However, you shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I do admit that if something ever happen, I would want no ones help but my own.]

You seem to have dropped a word here, and you need an apostrophe for “one’s”.

[While I do only happen to play video games and doodle on my free time.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[At least I wasn't fat..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less. I’ll stop pointing out these errors from now on, but know that they are distracting. You should proofread more thoroughly, and/or get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

["D-Did I step on it? Did daylight savings come early this year!? It's still January...right?" I said, trying to convince myself I had some sanity as I racked my head for any logical reason behind this.]

You said he just tripped and fell on his head. The obvious logical explanation is that he was unconscious for that time. I’m surprised this doesn’t occur to him. And daylight savings is only a change of one hour, so unless he spent an hour brushing his teeth, that’s not a possible explanation to begin with. Is the idea that the concussion is preventing him from thinking straight?

[For god's sake]

When referring to the Judeo-Christian God, it’s capitalized.

[said a voice, which seemed to come from nowhere. Actually, the voice was here, but it seemed to come from afar at the same time.]

So I know you may have seen stuff like this in cosmic horror fiction, but it’s actually really hard to do this properly without it feeling like a cop-out. Narration that second-guesses itself like this looks indecisive, and saying something is both everywhere and nowhere without further explanation just sounds silly. If you want to do weird, you have to really lean into it.

[Believing I was going crazy once again, I gave a few knocks to my head with the knuckles of my fist. This soon proved to be a horrible idea, as it only caused a nearly unbearably loud ring to echo through my head. I fell down to my knees and held my head as I groaned, the only way I could describe such a horrible feeling is with the thought of an insect in someone's ear.]

That sure sounds like a concussion. I do hope this isn’t going to have a “and it was a hallucination all along!” ending.

[one that made my face spawn a dream]

What?

[I will say that I don't just hate people, especially the people who do care for my well being.]

The wording here is unclear. “I don’t just…” implies that the subject does do the thing after the “just”, such as “I don’t just hate people, I despise them.” It sounds like you meant to say that he doesn’t hate people on principle just because he’s asocial; in that case, removing the “just” here would get that across better.

["Anyway, what's your name? If you have one," I questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[I facepalmed]

This is a visual art convention and doesn't work in prose.

This has a bit more action than most stories in this genre, but it still feels a bit empty. You don’t need the opening section in the real world, for starters; if your protagonist is complaining about how boring a scene is, your readers are probably feeling the same way. You should start where your plot starts, which in this case is when Ken enters the pokeworld. If anything about his life in the real world is relevant, it can come up in backstory or exposition when it becomes important. It could also add some mystery to the story: maybe he is lying or misremembering about his old life, providing an additional plot thread to build on.

Similarly, it’s really tedious to have protagonists in these stories whine about how everything must be a dream or hallucination when we the readers know it isn’t. You establish that he loves the whole idea of this, so it would be totally reasonable for him not to question anything and jump right in – even if he does believe it’s a dream, he’s having fun so he has no reason to rock the boat.

Dalieya’s appearance is also really out of the blue, and feels like a bit of a deus ex machina, as you’ve provided very little information about her personality or why she would want to team up with him. You should think of logical reasons to bring the cast together instead of just throwing them together because your plot needs it. I presume you will later explain her reason for accompanying him, but you shouldn’t wait until a future chapter to provide such an important detail.

nice story keep it up

Pretty good so far

Well I'm guess I'm first to read this and like...