Decided to reread this and it is still an amazing OC story of Persona 5. Too many stories change too much or too little but I can tell you’re right on target. Can’t wait for the next update.

Rising of the Shield Hero and Fire Emblem Fates
Naofumi Iwatani x Female Corrin romance

Is this series still continues because is getting good

Sooooo... is this series discontinued?

This story in my eyes is just as good as The World Is Ours. I love that not only did you implant Philemon and give a good reason why Reaper and Joker stick to their default personas, you also just made a really good story that still feels like part of Persona 5. One thing that helps with that is you actually do the confidants in your story. Can't wait for the next update.

I'm gonna be honest, this Fic isn't my cup of tea. If this was just a one palace story, maybe not, but you are planning to stretch this out. You can't simply make a character fully develop in the first Arc, otherwise, their growth ceases, and they become boring to say the least.

Kazuma is overall, worse than I thought. He's too aggressive to be likable, and just because Ann forgives him does not excuse the fact that I treated victims as if they don't have any mental issues. Maybe they aren't speaking up because their warped thoughts have led them to believe that he is unstoppable.

These are just my thoughts, so don't let this dissuade you from doing what you enjoy.

I... with how it was going, I was kinda thinking she wouldnt, y'know, get y'knowed. You surprised me. I umm. I'll just move onto the next one...

I feel like this is moving a bit too quickly. already Kei seems quite out of place in terms of character. I mean, he seems to be more of a Persona 3 character compared to the struggles of the P5 cast.

In a way, his issue is kind of like Chidori's. But instead of the fear of oneself dying when they have people they care about, it's the fear of the ones you care about dying.

The reason why this seems so P3 to me is because he has to come to terms that everyone is destined to die, so not making connections is pointless.

So from my own personal opinion, Kei is a 6/10 OC. Which is to say that he is average.

Take this with a grain of salt though, since it is just an opinion.

Ok, I thought he was like Shinji before, but at this point it has to be intentional. Grabbing a punch and picking a guy up?

Although, he is kind of a dick for calling Ann a coward and pathetic. Even if he's an irritable guy, he should understand that Takamaki might be a victim just as much.

At first, I thought it would be just Kazuma. It would be interesting just at that, but then you make it the infinitely more flashy Ren. And then you get the two of them in what I can only describe as an IRL show-time attack (P5R reference)

To be straight, I would prefer it if he didn't stop Shiho's rape.

Obviously, what happened to her was terrible, but it really sets Ann's motivation, and it does a lot to develop even more how horrible and cruel Kamoshida is.

So while I want to see Shiho happier, I've always seen it as rather contrived.

Of course, it should have happened in one of these upcoming chapters, so it's set in stone. And it's your fic, so do what you want. Just a bit of insight from me.

I imagine that this relationship between the two might kind of be like Akechi - Ren. Seeing a they both seem to have a similar intellectual level, it's less of a hostile chess game like with Akechi, but a couple chill matches of checkers.

Also, Kazuma gives me some pretty Solid Shinjiro vibes. No parents, Skips Classes and Probably has a soft side. Let's just hope he doesn't suffer the same fate as well, because I don't quite believe you when the characters act like he's dead. After all, if they're going to trick Akechi, why not trick him twice?

There's no mistaking that loud tone for anyone
[I don’t like the en media res scene (felt forced to me in the game), but you’re varying it more than most, giving more a sense of personality]

causing him to regret what he said
[Head-jumping, or Author Intrusive Telling]

notice of him feeling
[-feeling]

Nijima, this case
[Niijima]

I already went ahead and cleared it with them
[Then why would they say she has no business there? If he cleared it, they’d be expecting her]

Otherwise, this meeting would've happened a lot sooner
[Good retort, and a good way of adding energy and character to Ren]

pattern designs on the top, bottom right
[Too long for a cursory glance, short and sweet is best unless there’s reason for the viewpoint character to stop and stare. For Ren, Ann would probably be the first instance of that]
his usual black sneakers
[Author Intrusion: Ren could not know they’re usual]

he looked away
[You’ve pushed the focus onto several characters, you need to explicitly identify who we’re following now]

It suddenly grew so Ren could get a better look at it
[I don’t think it cared about why, they only do that when activated. This is reinforced later with Futaba’s plot]

he tapped it a few more times…as if time itself had ceased to function
[See, that’s why you shouldn’t try to fix things by tapping, you’ll freeze time]

boxes, unpackages books
[unpackaged]

part of Ren wanted to argue
[While this is true, it feels more true to your scene for Sojiro to interrupt and this sentiment to come up later (and Ren to quash it)]

Utilizing the bucket, he mopped the floor
[Really? He didn’t use his face?]

she realized that his hands
[he]

What they both had in common was the same yellow color of their eyes
[And almost everything else. Skin tone, hair color, uniform… almost the only difference is which eye has an eyepatch (which you don’t mention, don’t they have them?) and hair style]

before explaining his options in great detail
[He never does, though. He just changes topic]

She wore a yellow long-sleeved
[This paragraph is almost entirely Description Dump]

she appeared both stressed and tired
[Repetition]

He said, finding it a bit appalling
[Why? He treated Ren the same way]
if you get expelled now, I won't hesitate to kick you out

She said, looking away
[You kept things fairly neutral/professional, which fits. Most fanfics I’ve seen portray a lot of hate towards Kamoshida when either 1) she shouldn’t know or 2) she does know but does nothing to stop it]

Chapter 2
[In order to have been his nana for more than a few years, she would now have to be late 20s at a minimum, more likely in her 40s if she was his nana since young childhood]

couch facing the opposite direction of a flat screen TV
[This states the couch faces away from the TV]

My friend Sadayo works there too
[Good way to weave in multiple character bonds]

finding trouble making the words possible
[Weird phrasing. He struggled to speak?]

that Tori had prepared…cooking never fails
[Verb tenses]

Chapter 3
Well, not that it's any of your business
[Seems unnecessarily abrasive]

You again?" Kazuma sighed annoyingly
[I get that you’re trying to make him unlikable, but annoyingly speaks to how the sigh is taken and that’s a bad adverb to use as a speech tag to start with. You’re Telling us how to feel about it instead of Showing us something and letting your audience come to the conclusion]

didn't recognize him either. Odds are, he was another transfer
[If she doesn’t know the rumors about the transfers, he could just be a student in another class she never noticed. If she does, this would’ve been the place to tell us. You pull this weird POV shift mid-paragraph out of her perspective too, which disrupts the narrative flow. it’s best to pick one POV and stick with it at least for the scene]

could tell that she was feigning kindness
[Wasn’t Kamoshida the one feigning civility?]

Whatever." He looked away
[Which he? You’ve got 3 males in the scene, you need to differentiate]

and continued to accuse the boy
[You’re already Showing this through dialog, the Telling only creates a sense of repetition that slows down the pacing. That runs counter to the tension ramping up]

as if someone was being tortured…sounded like they were in pain
[This repetition doesn’t expand on the idea]

those yellows eyes
[yellow]

Stop this?!" Ren exclaimed
[That’s a question?]

signifying the end of their lives
knights he knocked down earlier get back up
[Pick one]

Chapter 4
your clothes
[.”]

Despite her knowledge of this student, she didn't know much
[These are mutually exclusive. Either you know about a person or you don’t]

two most important people
[This doesn’t make sense, he’s known Ryuji and Ren for a matter of minutes. HOW can they be important? He was an ass and built no repoire. You didn’t even give a clue about him appreciating Ren’s attempt to reach out]

sleeveless Dark Green suit
[green isn’t a proper noun, it doesn’t take capitalization]

hood that complimented his mask
[The only thing you described was ‘dark green’, nothing about its size, shape, material, etc]

"What the!" The
[That’s a question missing its mark, and it’s a sentence fragment (or missing ellipses)]

Are you one of them
[Why doesn’t he remember the only other prisoner in his cell?]

I didn't need your help
[And that was why your shadow butcher scene was so boring. Contrary to every other awakening in the series, he gained no character development and you prove it here. At least making him struggle against the shadows and need their assistance would have been a turn of his attitude, a point he can look back at and know ‘I didn’t just want other people there, I needed them’]

If you were trying to make Kazuma static and unlikable you succeeded. His awakening overshadowed Ren’s when you could’ve used him needing help to further press his development.

Man, love your works. Hope you continue it!

Oh no, cognitive Shiho.