Damn. Remind me to never mess with Mephiles... 0.0 Very good story btw!

I've just finished reading "So Much For The Ultimate Lifeform" and now "Torment", and I dare say this is an interesting concept. I wonder what would happen if Mephiles wandered into a timeline where Shadow, while unable to prevent the disastrous split, actually saved the two brothers from their fate. Would the wandering Mephiles still try to kill that timeline's Shadow? Anyway, this was an interesting read and I hope you have a good day.

I think this is a very good first attempt at pumping the story with description.

The difference is noticeable in this story compared to your others. It's good to see you've tried your hand at description, and it's a hell of a lot better than what the rest of this fanbase comes up with. It's a big step for you in this fiction, I can imagine, and I much prefer it. Good effort. The story's description reaches highs and lows within the text, quality being erratic. Sure, there were beautiful lines, but there were also... less favorable ones? Some lines were too direct, not enough allusion, not poetic.

"A facial expression dripping with sarcasm."
"The jet black scales and red markings stoof out from the putrid mist that surrounded it."

I feel these two lines were the best lines.

"The time has come! Now, that the gas overrun this tainted world, MY reign has BEGUN! Mwahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha!" Black Doom's voice boomed.
"He grit his teeth because of the pain coursing through his abdomen."

I dislike these lines. I feel they were the low points of this story. Also, you use 'grit' three times close together, repetitious, though I feel they were the result of lack of concentration. Everyone may have a dodgy line or two.

The rest were average descriptions. They weren't bad but they weren't great. I mean it's phenomenal if you stack yourself up against the bar of the writing calibre of Sonic fanfiction but compared to novels, masterful short stories I've read, I'm not feeling it. I do sort of pride myself on descriptive techniques and I'd love to recommend a tip or two, but it's hard to explain. It's a writing style I've acquired over 13 years of writing and everything is a blur as it morphed into my own. I remember when I was 13 and I had a similar style to your description. I don't know. As I said, I only know how to do it, not teach people how to it. Let alone you, who has a writing masterclass. I only learn through observation, as you see.

Everything is well-written. Grammar mistakes are non-existent. The dialogue is superb, as always. The only thing you need to work on is description. Here are some other fics for description, should you need a reference:

s/12360285/1/Fancy
s/9138352/1/Luminosity
s/12351146/1/Best-Intentions
s/12437530/1/I-m-Not-Scared

There we go. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help that much... You seem too accomplished for me. Writing is only a casual hobby of mine and you will soon eclipse me in all areas. Maybe go to the Writer's Anonymous forum for more help. It would help you greatly.

Hieu Huynh

Hey! I haven't been on FFN for quite some time but I saw this notification in my email and wanted to see how things were going. This is a great story! It's very well written as usual and kept me on the edge of my seat, wondering what Mephiles's intentions were. It makes me wanna go read "So Much for the Ultimate Life Form", but it's super late so I should come back later. Either way, keep up the great work!

That was amazing! Well written and truly a complete different outcome. I would love to see what would happen to that alt shadow. But it's a once shot so...it was great regardless:3

Now, I don't like tragic stories very much...
But I have to admit this was pretty good.
It's supposed to be a different timeline, but I can't help but to feel sorry for that Shadow... And Mephiles, somewhat: what he's doing is kind of pointless (I can't explain it well).
Again, good story.