It sounded smoother when you were writing in third persona. this story is a good read but keeping it in a third person view seems smoother.

good evenning, i just stop by to say that i like your story so please...

I've noticed grammatical errors. For example... "We're heading to the exit, give us an extraction point!" could have worked better instead of the original sentence. I think the first chapter seemed a bit rushed.

Also, "Yubel" doesn't sound like a normal name, particularly given the setting.