-“Me too, Susan.” Peter replied.

Should be a comma after “Susan” rather than a full stop. Same thing is repeated further on with “There’s someone here to see you, Sue.” Peter said (you can also probably cut out “Peter said” as it’s already established that he’s the one talking.

-“Memories that I’d had before I was born as Susan Pevensie.”

Um...how?

-“Aslan,”

Oh so NOW you use a comma...yeah, it needs a full stop.

-So, that aside, ficlet as a whole...to be honest, it feels like the framework is there, but it needs fleshing out. If anything, it remains off, because the last we hear of Susan is that she’s turned her back on Narnia, yet here, we have her remaining attached to Caspian. Those two facets aren’t entirely reconcilable, but there’s no acknowledgement from anyone of her forsaking Narnia, or why, by the end of her life, she’s back to having faith in an afterlife. Having an arc for Susan beyond what we learn of her in ‘The Last Battle’ is fine, but here, there’s no indication of what that arc entails.

Secondly, there’s Caspian. Assuming the attraction is mutual (and within the fic, the implication is that it is), then how does Liliandil feature into this? Y’know, the person who Caspian actually married and fathered his son? It’s within the fanfic’s prerogative to take creative licence, but that’s a whole big missing period of time for Caspian to suddenly revert back to having the hots for Susan.

Like I said, the framework is there, but it’s missing a lot of its ‘meat.’ Makes the above-mentioned punctuation errors stand out all the more.

This totally disregards The Last Battle - which I like, because Susan's life must have been so empty after all her siblings died so young. Your story makes me think that all four of them had nice long lives together and that they remained close. Also, I always hated that Susan stopped believing in Narnia, and your story suggests that she never lost it! And to top it off, I love Suspian fics!
Good work!

Well, this looks quite promising! I shall add it to my horde (I'm not a bookworm, I'm a Dragon! lol) and see what comes of it. Excellent writing and form in this chapter; excellent. I'm always fond of reading good fanfics that shake a little change into the typical sedentariness that it the Suspian ship.

WH