I’m a 170 pounds after I worked out and it’s all in my ass don’t judge counter lady

... I feel like this was the script of a porno that had a weird intro. I mean it started off okay but got weirder. and 170? Thats not fat. I know friends at that weight with big boobs and asses. No they don't have a 6 pack but they don't have a "bulging belly". Just saying.

I like the idea of the story, but it was way too rushed. 170 pounds isn't fat at all. A bit chubby at the most. I really like your story but it needs more details. The scene I didn't particularly like is when Lucy finished training and you suddenly progressed to the sex scene. That was way too rushed and you should've put another scene in between. Like Natsu leaves after training finishes and the next day Lucy meets up with her friends and everyone notices how slim she's become. But you have potential so I know you'll do a lot better in Stars

170 is not fat! Now if you said she was pushing 220-250 then I would agree, but I know beautiful girls that are 170 and 180 and they are by no means fat! And it would take a little more than 3 months to slim and tone, from personal experience...

This was...
Sooooo bad.

Okay first of all, 170 is not fat. At all. Second, little dragon? Are you kidding? This story was so bad I'm assuming that a 12 year old wrote it. How could you think 170 is fat? Omfg.

so cute and kinda steamy hot ;)

That was a really oddly worded story, no one goes around so casually with the word fat either...it was shallow...and the idea was so good too! it just needs less name calling and more emotion.

instead of calling her fat you should make it snide comments from girls her own thoughts and beign rejected on dates

no everyone talking about her fat like its the most causal topic in the world

and natsus comments about her body? yea no try more personality i could not finish the story i only made it half way through to see if it got better but im sorry its so cringey

good idea though i hope your writing improves in the future and you redo this story idea!

it has a lot of potential, good luck

-Jinx

geehee! For the lemon you've written, this is good. I loved this story!

Hm... the idea is clever and good, but the story suffers because its rushed. you simply went from point A to point B without development and you lack descriptive details.

maybe you can come back to this with more insight and make it better in the future.

It's alright if this is indeed your first time writing NSFW/Lemon, however I find a few things unrealistic. One of the few problems involved the whole 'over weight' issue. Now weighing wise I don't really use pounds to weigh instead I use stones, so I worked 170 pounds to be around 12 stone. In my eyes/opinion that isn't extremely over-weight. Another issue is the OOC involving Gray. Even though the guy can give off an icy vibe I wouldn't imagine he'd go and ditch his date. Now the next is concerning the grammar. I easily get irritated when reading if the story hasn't got the levels of correct grammar, but I'm going to have a wild guess: English isn't your first language? On your profile there's a flag I don't recognise so I'm just guessing. It would be good if you worked on getting better in that category.

'Little dragon', you've made my night, thank you author-san. If this really is your first lemon fanfiction, I must admit it's quite good. I hope you'll be uploading more of them in the future, and if so I look forward to reading them!

Oni : it wasn't bad but at of everything her starting weight 170 if I may say is actually healthy well compared to the real world.

Adler :* stroll over and leans on Oni *

Oni :* What're you doing here.

Adler : I'm here to plug Revenge of the Subspace Army people do read reviews.

Oni :* sighs* come we've do enough her* bow* wasn't a bad story sorry to drag this out*

This could have been written much better, sorry it was good but I constantly got tired of having to go back and forth, trying to fix the grammar. It was hard to comprehend.