Your play with words has devastated me. I really love how you have reinterpreted Macbeth in here, keeping all the (gory) key details alive. I also like how you have named Fred as 'Laughing God' in here. It certainly suits him.

As for the plot, I do not know what to say. I am speechless. Never ever had I ever thought that I would be seeing Fred, Rose AND Bellatrix together in such a dark story or in any story, for that matter. The part that was saddest for me was Hugo's death. Hermione's death cut it close too. I kind of want to know what was Ron and Ginny's fate in here. For me, that's the only loose end.

Anyway, it is a rather spectacular story. Great job!

First off, really interesting choice of characters to bring together based on your character tags. Bellatrix, Fred and Rose was not a group I was expecting to be in a story together.

I really loved the set-up of this, with Bellatrix torturing Hermione and then obliviating her so Hermione doesn’t remember what Bellatrix has done. I like that rather than Rose be born ‘evil’, as I was expecting, she was possessed and acting out Nagini and Bellatrix’s will. Of course, no one really understands what’s going on so they all think it’s her. It feels a bit like when Ginny was possessed by Tom in COA.

Draco killing her felt like it came out of left field. He was absent for most of the story so him coming in at the end to kill Rose felt off since the Tourjours Pur prophecy was only added a few scenes before. I understand you were trying to give everyone roles for Macbeth, but I think some of them could have been cut out as that’s quite an ambitious plot to cover in 3000 words.

Cheers!

Straight from the get-go that guy(?) really creeps me out. Horrible... What's he doing to her? The use of 'snaking' was effective in giving me that eek, yuck type feeling as he's licking her ear. It gives the impression that it's obviously not pleasant and he's definitely not pleasant.

In the first two dream sequences, the imagery you create is wonderful. I get a very distinct picture (e.g. the depiction of Bellatrix was great!) in my mind which is hauntingly beautiful and there are some really nicely, poetically worded bits in there, which I love and can appreciate. But, what I found whilst reading it is that I felt quite detached from the whole thing. There was no emotional connection there.

Why I think this might be:
- All your sentences are actually quite long, in those sections in particular. This really slows down the pacing of the story, and is probably not helpful in creating that tense, on-edge, mysterious atmosphere that is required in a horror. Vary sentence length. Try playing around with short and choppy sentences too.
- Too many adjectives and descriptive wording, which take away from the action at times. (E.g. 'She screams as the mighty snake rears into the air, hissing, scales a mottled green.' Ultimately, you want to emphasise the danger not the colour.) On the other hand, in isolated places it gives such an impact (E.g. Around her, the bushes melt...') that is far more emotive.
- Maybe if you used other senses...? A lot of the description is based on visual things. Try to add more sound or even touch words (which you do sometimes) to bring description to life.
- A few too many hyperboles.

Save some of your metaphors! :-p You don't need to use them all in one piece. Only use them where they're needed for impact, otherwise they lose their effectiveness. Especially if they're all really close together (this is when people start to think purple prose). Pick one or two and milk them. Try not to include too many similes close together as well.

The dream bit after she's killed the first time was the turning point. This is where I felt really engaged. I don't know if it's the action, or the use of shorter sentences, or more verbs than adjectives, but that's were I felt more tension. Now she's really struggling and the conflict is visible and simply portrayed. Maybe before this she seemed more passive, which is why I might've felt somewhat disconnected from her as well...?

Then the tragedy bit at the end, delivers a little pang because she was innocent and we know that from your characterisation of her. You were successful in portraying her fragility in the beginning and reminding us of her guilt and lack of control, which is why we feel her loss at the end. So, all in all this was a good read. I just think that the only thing lacking was the build up of tension in those earlier bits.

Sometimes less is more! ;) (And I do appreciate that it is so difficult to get the right balance. Remember, you're still a great writer!)

Wow. Just wow. I can't find the right words to explain how amazing this story is. I love it.

Well, I saw the listed characters and the vague summary and title and had no idea what to expect, so ... I really enjoyed your submissions for the original Competition That Must Not Be Named (hence the second place), and was hence looking forwards to your submissions again.

The line "fair is foul and foul is fair" was my first clue that this has something to do with Macbeth. Your descriptions in the first italicised section are particularly evocative and ... well, gorgeous. Occasionally, the writing dips into the realm of too flowery, reminding me that this is fanfiction, and therefore taking me out of the story a little. Your use of Rose as the main character, the one who must "look like the innocent flower", is particularly clever. However, it was a little hard to tell what was going on, and I had to check the author's note and re-read the story to get a better idea. I would have liked a representation of Lady Macbeth to appear, as without her, you have a rather different story to the one in the play (maybe Nagini is partially Lady Macbeth?). Also, not part of the story, but "who fills the rolls of the Grey Sisters" in the author's note should have the homophone "roles" instead.

Well, you definitely captured the darker tones of Macbeth! It was hauntingly powerful all the way through, and while there wasn't really any other way this could end, I did find myself wanting the good in Rose to win out in the end.

In the beginning, I think you make the mistake of delving towards purple prose, because I found it somewhat convoluted and a little difficult to follow the plot. It was the third section where I was the most lost, and the fifth section that explained everything and brought me back in completely until the end.

All in all, this is a strong piece of writing from start to finish that I really enjoyed.

I think you created some really powerful imagery. At first I was a little confused, plot wise, but then I began to get really into it and was completely immersed. I absolutely loved this! The only mistake I noticed was that I think [till] should be [‘til] as it’s a shortening of the word [until].

I didn’t really notice the Macbeth references until I read the A/N at the end, but it’s been a while since I read it so that’s probably why (plus, I really hated that class, so I’ve blocked a lot of it out). I really loved the use of Nagini representing her inner darkness – that’s about the only thing I noticed from that AN before it was explained to me.

I love the idea that names hold more power in the spirit realm; like it tells more about a person than our culture believes, and gives the people that know it more power over you. (I have no idea if that makes sense.)

This was wonderful. I truly enjoyed just how dark you made it. It’s a great piece. I think it was really emotional as well. The way Rose started losing herself. You just got sucked right into it. I wonder how no one noticed how it happened until it was too late. Though, it isn’t easy to see just how much time passes, so they might have noticed and we just didn’t see it. Either way, it was a very well written piece.

I've never read Macbeth, so I can't really speak about the inspiration there, but this was so...haunting. And disturbing. Very disturbing, with Rose killing so many people. I love Fred trying his best to protect her in the dream world, even if he doesn't succeed. It's awful that nobody realizes that Rose was cursed from the beginning and think that she's a monster. Only Bellatrix could think up a curse that horrible! The ending is so painful, too, with Fred trying to take her to heaven with him, and Rose refusing him. Also! It wasn't until I was reading the author's note that I realized you never actually used any character names, so well done on that!

I loved your writing style in this one especially the dreams. You brought out well the ethereal and foggy feel really well. I know the basic story of Macbeth but it has been a while and I have to admit that I forgot bits of it. So I didn't realise the link between the two. But it didn't deter from the story. And the notes at the end explained well. It was a very clever juxtaposition. There are many scenes that I liked - the scene where Hermione puts her to sleep, the Laughing God bit and especially the ending. Well done. :)

Wow, I'm not really sure what to say about this story. It was amazingly written for a start.
I can see the ties to Macbeth so clearly in this, and love that Fred was there trying to keep her safe in her dreams, though Bellatrix pushed through and took over.

I love that Draco was the one to kill her and the ending - where she said there was no place in heaven.
I was shocked when she hurt her brother too. This was a fascinating read!

Ok, that was seriously disturbing. Very well written and interesting, but disturbing. I feel that the part at the beginning is not wholly necessary. I'm assuming that it is Voldemort raping and impregnating Hermione, but couldn't the same thing happen to Rose even if she wasn't the spawn of Voldemort? I love the Macbeth parallels. I will definitely be thinking about this one for a while.

This was so sad.

I really felt bad for Rose throughout this. She'd been cursed even before she was born and from the looks of it, no one but maybe Hugo ever knew about the curse. So, she was believed to be a villain almost the entire time by everyone else.

I liked how Fred was there with her in this dreamworld trying to protect her from Nagini and the like. It was really too bad how in the end he failed. The end was probably what was the saddest, I think. Fred was ready to take her with him into the light, but Rose wouldn't because she thought she was a monster that didn't deserve to be there even though it had never been up to her who she'd become.

Ooh, starting the story off with a terrible curse. Yay!

Rose is being haunted by some kind of nightmare-curse-ghost of Bellatrix? Oh, but she has a guardian angel... boo. More dark, less being saved!

[heals her off her wounds] - "off" should be "of".

Uh... I know I was cheering for more dark and less being saved, but the snake part was kind of disgusting.

O_O ROSE KILLED HARRY.

Wow, Rose is just murdering everyone now.

I'm not sure how I feel about that ending, but I suppose most people would think it's a good thing she didn't manage to resurrect Bellatrix...

I don't think I have a single offering of constructive criticism. No criticism either. (Darn you for being a good writer; there, how's that? XD)

But seriously, I find this pretty freaking awesome. The imagery is so vivid, with just the right amount of surrealism for the dream sequences and Rose's descent into Bellatrix's madness. (Seriously, darn you for being good - I feel useless writing a review that is just praise!) I'm not familiar with Macbeth (I know we did it for class, but I'm drawing a blank on most of it), but the metaphors seem solid and the way you wove the story using them was... extremely well done. (Deliberately avoiding certain words now. You're not likely to get a swelled head, are you?)

I really like this concept - Bellatrix using Hermione's daughter to ruin everything the trio worked for and loved. And FRED. Ahem. Loved the title you gave him and his role as protector/guide/almost conscious? And the way he pretty much represents forgiveness - bit Christ-like, which I'm sure would amuse the character (was that intentional?).

Just thought of it, but Hermione's death parallels Sirius's at Bellatrix's hands. Nice. Bella strikes again! (Terrible un-funny, I know.)

So... yup. Thought it was great. Nothing bad to say about it *grumbles*, though Rose's self-imposed sentence to limbo is, of course, sad. It also fits perfectly. (Drat.)