When you say "there were all the SeeDs", do you mean all those who took part in the mission or literally all of them?

"a cute picture of Rinoa blushing while having a candid photo of herself being taken in the cafeteria."

Linoa being camera shy? I can't believe such a thing.

I really liked Selphie's presentation and treating it like showing a slideshow of her vacation. That said, I also like how she was just putting on a show and still made a serious version for proper archiving.

"I was talking with Cid nearly all night and I ended up just collapsing on my office couch."

That seems odd. I thought Cid was no longer part of Balamb Garden and didn't even live there any more. I mean, I remember that as a kid, I was under the impression that headmaster and commander were separate roles and Cid still took care of the educational part of Garden, but then I realized I was wrong and Squall is also headmaster. Was I wrong about being wrong?

Or did Cid just come to shoot the shit?

"'Your room is that way,' Squall said."

Squall, you Hynedamned fool! You're finally back home with your girlfriend after both of you nearly died and the first thing you do is tell her to go away?! Don't you want at least a little bit of cuddling after all that?!

"they decided that pizza delivery would be the best option."

I love to imagine the delivery boy/girl's reaction to having to deliver to Balamb Garden.

Hm, suppose it could have just been made in the cafeteria and delivered by one of the employees, but I like the mental image of a dumbfounded minimum-wage teen employee standing in awe before BG too much.

"'He's fury-ous,' Squall thought to himself and the wished he hadn't tried any of the painkillers that had been given to him at the hospital."

If he made this kind of jokes out loud, no-one would have a problem with him being silent and brooding ever again.

I know I'm getting extra nitpicky here but I'm a bit confused as to how Linoa grabbing Squall around the chest makes him hurt so bad when he was shot in the arm and leg. Sure he did get hit in the back as well but the story made a point of stating it didn't cause much damage.

"He didn't want to draw attention to himself so he drank a potion to keep his strength up."

... where'd he get a potion from?

"Once Squall was face to face he swung his blade while pulling the trigger, slicing the man in the leg. If Squall had wanted to kill him, he could have, but it was a superficial wound."

A triggered gunblade strike is a superficial wound?! I would have thought it would have taken his bloody leg off! Was he junctioned too?

"'No, it's okay, I'll just take another potion.'"

No seriously, where does he keep those?

By the way, the action is excellent. It's intense and every character gets a good moment. It's quite impressive considering you mentioned you're not used to writing action scenes.

I think what makes it work especially well is that you did a good job describing the surroundings so it's easier to visualize the battle and imagine where everyone is in relation to one-another.

Plus you had some great ideas on how to creatively use gameplay elements, like lightning magic powering machinery instead of just being used as attacks or Squall using the gunblade to deflect a bullet rather than only as a weapon.

Oh and some of it sound brutal, like Squall getting shot. It's shockingly real for a fantasy setting (but then again, FF8 IS a lot more realistic than ost FF games).

And of course, the tender moment between Squall and Linoa is really nice.

I LOVE the characters making small talk while fighting monsters. And, well, it makes sense, thinking about it. They have to be used to it by now, at least with weak ones like Creeps and Red Bats so it must be routine for them.

Nitpick time: Wouldn't the rest of the group have found monster corpses if they were getting close to Squall? If not on the platforms, then floating in the water? Or is monsters fading away when they die canon in this story? :P

Hum, the part with the characters saying it's probably men behind the kidnappings seems a bit random. I actually thought it was foreshadowing and that the twist would be that Courtney was the mastermind behind it the whole time and her making small talk with Squall and Quistis was her trying to figure out if Quistis was a suitable target.

I mean, why couldn't it be women doing it? Or men AND women? It seems especially weird with how professional they're trying to be that they'd make assumptions like that.

Other than that, good chapter. It's really exciting, which is quite impressive considering the sewers are one of my least favourite parts of the game. Guess even JRPGs can't break the trend of sewer levels sucking.

The dream sequence is really weird, trippy and even a bit creepy at times. I love it! I wonder: is Linoa's strange behaviour a result of her injury or is she just a cloud-cuckoolander in her dreams?

Got a good laugh at the dig at Squall's Dissidia redesign. I love those games and I actually think they did a fantastic job writing him, but the redesign doesn't work.

I also really liked Linoa calling Quistis a bitch and then correcting herself, implying that just because she doesn't really outwardly swear, she can be more vicious in her mind.

Nitpick time: Linoa says she's been unconscious since getting knocked out, except for being carried through the sewers, but when Squall received the note, there were pictures where she looked at the camera in anguish, so she had to be wide awake for those.

"Selphie wrapped her hands around his bicep. It seemed pretty solid."
"Selphie decided to take full advantage of this moment and keep playing with his hair."

WOULD YOU LADIES STOP MOLESTING HIM?! Seriously, why is it that his girlfriend is the only woman who has been respecting his intimacy so far?!

"'Will you STOP POKING HIM?!' Zell stressed while shaking his fists in the air. He didn't like how Squall was being treated."

And why is it that ZELL of all people is the only one acting like a rational and responsible adult?!

"That was something Laguna Loire would do, therefore, that was something Squall Leonhart NEVER would."

I don't know, there are plenty of things Laguna would do that Squall would as well, like a Heartilly woman, for example. HEY-OOOH!

As for your question about their weight, hm... I know I'm 165cm tall (about 5'5") and I weigh about 97 kilos (about 215 lbs). I'd describe my build as stocky, as in I'm fat but there IS some muscle under there, honest. So with Squall being taller and more athletic than me but also slimmer, I can see him being slightly heavier than me.

Come to think of it, I have a friend who is about a head taller than me but has a much more athletic build while still being fairly slender and last I heard, he weighed 108 kilos (almost 240 lbs) so yeah, I can see Squall being around 105 kilos/230 lbs. It's not easy to tell Squall's build due to the loose clothing but I'm guessing he's pretty athletic (especially if his KH version is anything to go by)

I kind of wonder if Zell would be all that heavy. He wears pretty loose clothing as well so it's not obvious how big he is, and it would make sense that he'd be muscular since he specialises in martial arts but at the same time, his shins and forearms are of average size at best so maybe it's a Bruce Lee kind of deal where he's ripped but also skinny?

Then again, one of Nomura's sketches shows some transparency, revealing his left arm and he seems to have some weird bishônen proportions going on: really narrow hips but absurdly broad chest and shoulders, so I dunno. I'd say about the same weight as Squall. Maybe even slightly lighter.

I can see Irvine being more slender and lighter than the other two. He's not a melee fighter so he doesn't need to be big. I still think he'd have a little bit of muscle definition. He would need pretty strong arms and shoulders to handle the recoil from his various guns, if nothing else. Plus, Galbadia Garden seems to put a lot of focus on physical activity so he'd probably be forced to do a lot of sports even if he doesn't like it. I can see him being about 90 kilos (slightly under 200 lbs).

Small nitpick: Quistis is surprised to see scars on Squall's arms and torso, but the story earlier stated that he wore short-sleeved shirts on multiple occasions. Wouldn't they have revealed at least the arm scars?

It seems weird to me that the other characters are so quick to dismiss Squall's claim that Linoa has psychic powers when a major plot point in the game was Ellone using very similar powers and not only entering their minds but sending them to the past. And SHE could do it across continents.

Admittedly, Quistis' interpretation makes sense but in their universe, it makes just as much sense for it to be real. It just seems odd to me that not one of them considers that it could be a thing.

That said, I got a good chuckle from Selphie advising the others to check their junctions. And thinking Squall put a tracker on Linoa and calling him a perv over it.

"I'm going to get yelled at by the Commander later if he sees you."

Always a bit weird when members of the orphanage group refer to Squall as "the Commander". I mean, he is, and I guess he can be intimidating so they might sometimes prefer to call him that just to be safe, and I suppose it may be his way of telling Linoa "he's not just your boyfriend, he's my boss, too!", but still, must feel weird to refer to a friend by a title.

"his usually unruly hair slicked back darkly for the occasion"

God, Squall with slicked back hair is such a weird visual.

"Rinoa snuck past all the house staff on her way downstairs."

Metal Gear Linoa. She certainly is an enfant terrible.

"Rinoa should either stay away or invest in a higher quality makeup, especially budge-proof lipstick"

Right?! I've been saying she should shell out the extra cash for the waterproof stuff.

"Squall gave Quistis a small nod as she left the kitchen with her two red dresses, that were in Squall's opinion, identical."

"I swear to Hyne, if she asks me if they make her butt look fat next, I'm jumping off the window", thought Squall.

All kidding aside, I had a lot of fun with Quistis fussing over whether to wear a crimson or burgundy dress whereas Squall just doesn't get why he is being asked his preference between a red dress and a red dress. I can relate.

"If he knew anything about how to dress, it was because Garden had drilled it into his head for practical purposes."

I don't know, his outfit in the game looks pretty damn fashionable to me, especially with the jacket being cropped. Even though the leather offer a little bit of protection, it looks like it's for looks more than practicality. He also seems to like some bling (he even implies he owns more rings than the Griever one).

"it wasn't cheap to be employing this many SeeDs for an extended period of time."

I do wonder if SeeDs are paid by the clients directly or by Balamb Garden and the clients only pay when signing the contract. I would assume that if the Owls can afford even three rookies for an indeterminate amount of time, it would mean the latter is true, but Linoa assures them that they'll keep being paid when she reveals the terms of their contract, which suggests that it is their responsibility and not Garden's.

I like how you made the buses staying at a station for only a very short amount of time part of the canon. I remember that catching me off-guard when I first played the game.

Aw, the moment between Linoa and Squall was so sweet until Quistis had to barge in and cuddle-block them.

Speaking of that, not entirely sure why Squall is so panicked at the thought of Quistis finding Linoa with him. Sure it'd be embarrassing but it's not like she doesn't already know Linoa is around and they're not blowing their cover.

Plus, with his focus on appearances, you'd think he wouldn't want to risk the neighbours seeing his "maid" hurriedly sneaking out of the building as his wife comes back home.

"'Maybe that doesn't sound like extra fun to you because you've been dressing up and drinking wine every day,' Selphie retorted with a smug smile."

"'You're just jealous! Not that being jealous of another woman is anything new to you,' Selphie said to Quistis while looking up towards Squall for back up.

OH DAMN! Hope you had Firaga junctioned to your elemental defence, Quistis!

"Didn't you already date Seifer and who knows how many other guys?! I mean, if you'd date Seifer..."

Oh shit, shots are being fired from every direction! Seriously, I haven't seen this many burns since that time Nida went to the Fire Cavern.

Come to think of it, I don't imagine Linoa dated many guys. She mentioned Seifer was her first love and it happened the year before the events of the game, so that doesn't leave much of a time frame and she presumably joined the Owls soon after or focused on their struggle if she already was with them and I doubt she dated anyone from the group.

"I wish somebody here could help me with my back, he thought silently while looking at Quistis and thinking of Rinoa."

I like this turn of phrase a lot and it does fit his personality, in my opinion.

The friendship between Linoa and Selphie is super cute. And it's nice to see Linoa really bonding with another member of the group (aside from Squall, obviously).

Man, first Quistis is annoyed that Squall won't look at her body and now she's getting annoyed that he is looking at her body.

Suppose that is an accurate representation of how women act with men, though. :D

Linoa really needs to invest in some waterproof make-up. She's a rich girl, surely she can afford it.

I really like Squall in the scene where he's scolding Zell. He's being authoritative but also reasonable. It's a really fatherly "I'm not mad, just disappointed" moment, which is quite fitting, I feel.

And while I'm not as fond of Linoa getting mad at Squall when she knows damn well she screwed up, I do like her drawing a comparison between him and Caraway as that's something that also occurred to me recently. Although Squall is a lot more reasonable and open-minded than Caraway, which I think is actually a good symbolism of military mentality versus mercenary mentality.

So yeah, a psychologist would have a field day analysing Linoa being attracted to a man who is basically a version of her father she can get along with. Her reaction to it seems a bit much, though.

Another thing, when Squall tells Zell to keep an eye on Linoa, she reacts and he then corrects himself, does he actually say the first line or is that Squall imagining it? **

"Rinoa's knee length dress looked a little out of place"

I find that especially amusing considering all we see her wear in the game are spandex spats and a really short dress. :D

I find it funny that the blonde girl mentioned Squall's accent as I always figured he had one (originally due to me misunderstanding a line of dialogue in the game) . Kind of amazed she noticed it from his laconic replies, though. :P

"I'd like my boyfriend to be a gentleman, is that too much to ask?"

Girl, if you wanted a gentleman, I think you've been barking up the wrong tree from the start.

Another bit of nitpicking, the phrase "He was often silent before speaking" is a bit strangely worded. I get that you meant that he tends to pause to think about what he's going to say but the way it's written, it seems to be stating the obvious.