Hi, here from the WA forum review game. I'm reading this fandom-blind (on the other hand, I am familiar with the Stanford Prison Experiment, so I thought that made a cool idea to use for your story.)

I thought the way you interwove the "present" and "past" scenes worked well, building up suspense and mystery while setting up clues as to what had happened. Each scene added more info and characterization effectively, all the way up to the "cliffhanger" at the end, so the whole thing made sense as a chapter/unit of the story as a whole. And good use of differing/potentially unreliable points of view, both with each other and between past and present.

I found the police characters somewhat bland in this chapter (since I'm fandom-blind and don't know them at all) and to me they were more or less indistinguishable. But I didn't really mind, as their dialogue moved quickly and my focus was more on the details of the case.

Opening: catches the attention and sets out the stakes ("looking at a judge for murder?") so that gets the chapter moving well.

Quick and effective description of Judge Gale.

The conversation flows well, giving us information both about the past events and Gale's character.

The only quibble I had was that Gale went from "glaring" to a wistful chuckle rather suddenly.

The introduction of the "female guard" worked pretty well. I did feel it was slightly awkward to keep calling her the "female guard". I think it would have felt more natural if you established it earlier that she was (apparently) the /only/ female guard, in the paragraph where she appears and it's said that she is the Dean's secretary.

And since it's presented as a flashback from Darren's memory, maybe you can tweak the opening sentence of that section to put the POV/focus more on Darren. I.e., instead of starting with "Ben rushed in", filter it through Darren for the initial setup so that we have Darren frowning and waiting for Ben.

And a neat transition to meeting present-day Shirley McGarrett, and another character quickly and clearly sketched out. Nicely done!

And a second flashback, more intense than the first - an effective sequence with rising tension.

And then back to the present. Good sentence to end on.

Overall, a very enjoyable chapter. An engaging read, keeps us guessing enough to click "next" to find out what really happened.

SPaG Nitpicks:
["We managed to track down anymore of the volunteers?"] - should be "any more" as two separate words, since it's referring to a quantity and not used as an adverb.

["..., Your Honor." Stillman said...] - Typo - should be a comma there.

[The woman sitting in the office, her back to the two detectives, didn't move.

"If you're here to ask for an extension on the assignment, don't even bother."] - Probably put this in the same paragraph as the previous sentence. No break, since the woman is the same person doing the talking.

[...Lilly said, presenting her badge, as the professor swiveled her chair around.] - I would omit the second comma.

["I'm not lying!" Albert pleaded.] - To me, the exclamation mark clashes with the "pleading". I think just a comma would work better here.

["All night." Shirley said...] - comma.

I like the story, but I don't understand the motive. :(

Greetings, I'm from the WA Longer Review game! Note that I am fandom blind, but I read the Wikipedia article on Cold Cases just to get an idea of how the plot is generally executed for each episode.

TECHNICAL FIXES/STYLE SUGGESTIONS

1st Scene:

["...Nineteen..." I personally would change this to the numeral "19," as it is standard in the journalism/editorial/publishing world to use numeral numbers beyond one-through-ten.]

[Lilly nodded.] Missing a period right there, :).

[...(T)he rain took care of any prints that might've (been left) on the body.] Did you mean to add "been left" there?

Now I do want to warn you that technical errors this early might drive off some especially picky readers. However, since I'm reviewing the second chapter, I think it might be more appropriate to assume that most people wouldn't mind so much since they might already be interested in the story to read the next chapter after the first one.

That being said, it's always good to correct technical errors―especially the ones concerning you accidentally missing a few words during typing, :).

-0-0-0-

2nd Scene:

[...(W)hat Scotty expected―an old-style...] I'm fairly certain you don't use a semi-colon for this, although I will freely admit that I really can't tell whether you should use the em dash or a full colon. I think, in that case, it's more of a stylistic choice than anything else.

["The country was divided like (it hadn't been) since the Civil War."] This reads rather awkwardly to me. Now I did a few rereads and I kind of got what Professor Hatchet was trying to say there, but I think it might be best to clear it up into something along the lines of this?:

["At the time, the country hadn't been that divided since the Civil War."]

[I mean(,) look at you gentlemen.] I would put the comma there to denote a short pause, unless Hatchet was saying that sentence all at once. If that's the case, feel free to disregard this one.

[Scotty and Vera looked at each other.] To me, this feels somewhat weak for the reaction of Hatchet's words. Perhaps you could add an adverb to strengthen it?

Maybe something like this?:

[Scotty and Vera glanced at each other incredulously.]

Maybe incredulously might not be the right word for what you might intend to say, but I would like to let you know that I do feel that this sentence would benefit more with an adverb.

[...[L]ooking skeptical."(N)ow back to the story."] This actually could be a stylistic choice on your end, but I think it looks better if you use a period in place of the comma and capitalize that "Now."

Though, what I can say for certain is that Vera's sentence could had been stronger. I'm not sure how he is characterized in the show―Wikipedia only told me Vera's a homicide detective―but you could add a bit of flavor to that sentence that would give Vera a bit of character here.

["Yes, I'm sorry(,)"] Forgot a punctuation mark there, :).

[...Hatcher (apologized) with an embarrassed chuckle,] I think "said" should be replaced with "apologized" to strengthen his, well, apology.

[...[W]as a standout(:) honest...] For lists like these, a colon would serve a much better purpose than a semi-colon. As I understand it, it's typically used to connect fragmented, but related sentences like this:

[The car's front was completely dented; even the windshield did not survived.]

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3rd Scene:

[...(I)n a common area() before turning to Hatcher, who was also watching them.] No need for the extra comma, there.

["I checked over some of the profiles(,)" Patterson (said). "Are you sure..."] Patterson only asked after the "Patterson asked" part, which I changed to make it more sensible.

[...(T)he doorway() and he and Patterson...] No need for the extra comma there, also.

[...(A)nd another say 'no(?)'] It looks cleaner if you place the question and exclamation marks inside the quotation and apostrophe marks instead of outside.

["Most of you will be prisoners(,)" Patterson said.] I don't think a period would work well in this case.

["(T)hat someone is you."] I think you might want to capitalize the "That."

[Hatcher said (with an approving smile).] Adding this would strengthen Hatcher's response and keep the monotony of using "said" down a bit better.

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4th Scene:

["...(T)o get serious."] Forgot a period there, :).

[..."'(M)inor altercations(?)'"] Again, putting exclamation and question marks inside of apostrophe and quotation marks makes the sentence look cleaner.

[Scotty (pointedly) asked.] I think moving "pointedly in front of "Scotty" and removing the comma would work better here.

["Then where the hell were you?" Vera (demanded).] Just him asking doesn't sound strong enough. If you were going for a frustrated-sounding Vera, I think "demanded" or a similar word would help here.

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6th Scene:

[He() stopped, turned,...] That comma wasn't necessary.

["I though(t)...] Forgot your "t" for "thought" there, :).

[...(F)rom (the) archives...] I think you forgot your article there.

[...(G)etting() into with you...] That apostrophe shouldn't be there. Also, this reads awkwardly when the entire sentence is written out to me―e.g., ["...(B)ut one of the ladies from the archives remembered getting into with you when you tried to save some of the files."]―so perhaps you could fix it to something like this?

I'm not so sure of how the context plays out in relation to what's being asked, so I'm not really sure what kind of suggestion I should give here, but I believe you might know better.

[(Y)ou're welcome to (use) 'em.] Without the "use" word, to me the sentence sounds out of place.

["Got something here(,)" Jeffries said.] You either got those punctuation marks reversed or maybe you intended the period at the first suggestion and accidentally typed for one at the second.

["'(A) racially derogatory term.(')"] I don't think I need to continue iterating the quotation-apostrophe mark placement at this point.

-0-0-0-

7th Scene:

["Carter said() evenly."] Don't think comma should be there.

-0-0-0-

8th Scene:

["...(A)t Ben, (who was) adjusting...wearing() and waving..."] I think putting "who was" would make the subsequent sentence flow much better. Also, removing the comma, I think, might also make the entire sentence flow a little better as well.

-0-0-0-

MY THOUGHTS

Your writing style is short, concise and straight to the point. I would applaud you for trying to keep it simpler to read, especially since this is a TV show based on police procedurals, but I think you've over did it―i.e., the writing can feel rather dry at times. I don't feel that much emotion between the characters especially beyond their dialogue―which, admittedly, is varied enough to garner interest in reading. However, it gets bogged down with the dryness of the writing and it ends up contributing to its emotionless.

Not only does it feel dry, it also feels bare-bones and almost mechanical-like.

My suggestion is to inject more prose to your writing. For an example:

[Sitting at his desk, Detective Vera was frowning at the sandwich in his hands. Professor Hatcher's words on authority had gotten him thinking about his own direction in life―of what might had happened if he, in the professor's example, had became an accountant instead of a detective. He continued staring at his sandwich as he contemplated, unknowingly attracting Detective Miller's attention.

["Something wrong with the sandwich?" Kat asked.

[Vera, broken from his thoughts, thankfully, shook his head. "Nah, just thinking of something that professor said. Something about not being the same person if I had some job without authority."

[Kat raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with a sandwich?"

[The male detective shrugged. "Nothing, I just always have the guy make something that's not on the menu. I was just wondering if I had become an accountant instead of being a detective or something."

["I don't know," Rolling her eyes at the notion, Kat sipped her cup of coffee with a joking smirk. "But I wouldn't want you doing my taxes if you were."]

This example here demonstrates keeping your short and concise style whilst adding some variety to the character dialogue, as well as some flavorful exposition. I think the key here is that you try to vary your said bookisms and add a bit more depth to your prose like I've shown here.

Otherwise I hope this review will help you out in your writing, ;).

-Sda209.

Off the bat, you're guilty of the writing crime of arbitrariness. This means you open with your character doing something mundane, like reading a book or looking out a window. I think authors do this so the reader can relate to their character, knowing that 99% of people lead arbitrary, boring lives and like things familiar to their own situation. I hate that. I straight out books down that do that no matter how sucked in I am. Don't do it. Open with the dialogue instead.

When introducing secondary characters, it sounds awkward to into them by first and last name.

I caught you scripting, describing characters turning in their seats or moving their heads to look etc. Not necessary and takes up page space.

I don't think fingerprints can be taken from a body, they don't stay on skin or clothes. DNA evidence like hair or blood can be though.

You change the subject to the experiment too abruptly.

The Professor Hatcher paragraph, you have a double-and too close together. It makes the whole paragraph sound clunky.

I don't picture 70 to be "slim and fit looking," so add something about how he looked amazing for his age.

Hard-working fair-minded what? You end the sentence early by accident.

Why is the Rolling Stones song in parentheses? Am I supposed to be picturing it? Not a good way to say a song is playing.

At Dean Patterson, another misstep in arbitrary. Don't say anyone frowned, just say what they were looking at.

"I checked over some of the profiles" isn't a question.

You're doing a lot of scripting in this passage, people looking over at other ppl etc. Not necessary.

Just read about what the experiment is. I believe this was a real experiment that was shut down bc the control group became too violent.

Now everything is flowing smoothly after you meet the Park Ranger. Go back and write the rest of the story like this.

"Going to hell in a handbasket" is a phrase I've seen written a lot but have never heard out loud. "Hell in a handcart," I have heard out loud though.

So I'm surprised I didn't have more to say about this. Usually on long line reviews, I'll have pages of red ink. I will say that you break a lot of cardinal writing rules off the bat until we meet the Park Ranger, after which everything in the story clicks together and flows. The beginning of the chapter isn't that interesting, so I may have noticed more mistakes. I believe you quit trying to describe things and focused more on dialogue toward the middle, which probably made it more enjoyable for me. So that's my biggest critique, dialogue over narration.

Wow. Such a good ending. I was right about Shirley-the first time I have guessed the killer correctly while reading such stories! I felt sorry for her and your description of her motive felt really relatable. I liked that Carter, Albert and Darren met up at the end and reconciled. I look forward to reading more from you. So sorry for posting the wrong review before!

Hey, I finally caught you in review tag again. I’m excited to get back to this story.
In the first chapter you sold me on your flashbacks and I have to say that that is where this chapter really shines. I like catching the little glimpses into what went on during the experiment. I also thought that the way the detectives found Carter Jenkins was really well done. The dead end and then suddenly a bit of deduction based on something they recalled from the old files – this was a really solid moment.
Having said that I do have to comment that this chapter is not near as polished as the last chapter was. There were some misspelled words (at one point Carter is spelled ‘Carte’), some words that I wasn’t sure exactly what you meant (Assigned – do you mean the previous detectives who were assigned the case? Or is the ‘assigned’ code for something I don’t know?), and some awkward phrases that seemed to be missing words (‘had built to quarantine’ should have a ‘been’ between ‘had’ and ‘built’). The dialogue was a little stinted in places as well – especially when Scott was talking. Although I suppose that could be a character thing that I don’t know about.
These things led to some flow problems that started with the very first paragraph, which I would like to examine below:
“Sitting in storage, Lilly pulled another page from the case box sitting on the table, while two men sitting around her looked at their own pages.”
You used the word sitting three times in this one sentence. I think you can get rid of the first one and start with ‘In’, and the third one is unnecessary as well so it can either be deleted or replaced with another word. I think you’re missing a ‘the’ in front of the word ‘two’. The result would look something like this:
‘In storage, Lilly pulled another page from the case box sitting on the table while the two men around her looked at their own pages.’
The first chapter in this fic shows that you have a firm grasp on SPAG, so I’m not overly concerned about the errors I found but wanted to point some of them out to you in case you do what I do and periodically edit old chapters. I will list the other SPAG that jumped out at me at the bottom of this review.
I have to say that the last part of this chapter made me smile. I absolutely loved ‘no bail Gale’ and I found that the whole conversation with Carter was your strongest dialogue. I can also tell, by the Judge’s nickname and the uneasy looks that the detectives shared, that Darren is a man not many people cross. You haven’t even really introduced him and I feel like I can anticipate who he is. That’s pretty neat.
Thanks for another great chapter! Ckorkows
SPAG (some may be repetitive)
While (the) two men sitting around her…
“Looks like the wound wasn’t that deep. (The kid) Probably would’ve made it (no comma) if he’d gotten help. (I’m) Surprised he didn’t find someone.” (Stilted voice on Scotty – it may be canon in which case ignore.)
Assigned (not sure what you mean here… the initial detectives on the case?)
“now back to the say.” Did she mean story?
Hatcher, looking a bit awkward at the display, gestured towards the doorway(no comma) and he and Patterson walked out (I would remove ‘out’) towards the group.
Had (been) built to quarantine…
…but I heard of things got thrown out of the years (I’ve heard a lot of things got thrown out over the years)
Carte rolled his eyes, slightly at the memory. (Carter rolled his eyes slightly at the memory.)
“Mmm-hmm,” Carter answered(comma here) “I assume…”

Hello, I’m from Review Tag. I am very passingly familiar with the fandom – when my parents visit they watch it – so I apologize for not being able to comment on anything canon.
I really like the overall flow of this chapter. At first, when I was reading the italicized background, I wasn’t so sure about how this sort of flashback would translate into writing. I have to say that I was sold the minute you mentioned the silver-haired man standing in Homicide. I knew instantly that it was Ben’s friend and that sold me on your use of the ‘flashback’. The only thing I wish you would have done is beef up the middle part where the detective was putting the case on the shelf. It was too short in my opinion - in a way that it either needs a bit more detail or to be eliminated entirely.
There was one error that popped out at me – when Jake and Ben are talking: “’Hey, I’m just saying these are you college years, man.”’ I think you intended to put ‘your’ instead of ‘you’.
Other than that I didn’t see any glaring grammar errors, but I’m by no means the person you want to go to for grammar. There were one or two times that you had some really long and slightly awkward dialogue tags, though. Here is an example:
“’…for the both of us!’ Ben shouted, with a smirk, to his departing friend, who chuckled, gave him a wave, and then headed off in the direction…”
There are way too many clauses in this and it caused me to have to reread it a couple of times. I liked the content but I think that it could have ended at the word, ‘friend’. The rest of that could have been a new paragraph leading into Ben’s amusement at Jake’s antics.
I do have to gush a little about the plot and how you introduced it. I wasn’t horribly sold by your summary (which is more because of my personal preferences than it is about the quality of the summary) but by the end of this chapter I was thinking I could definitely keep reading. I think the thing that sealed the deal for me was how you made Ben and Jake really likeable in the glimpse of them that we got, and their friendship was something that I immediately bought into. You made me want this case to be solved, for Jake’s sake, and you did it in the span of a single chapter. And a single chapter that was a really nice length.
Well, thank you for the enjoyable read. Hopefully I’ll catch you in review tag again. Ckorkows

This was so cute. I like how you described Scotty's insecurities over Lilly and the way she opened up to him. Although I don't think that guy raped Lilly. There were some spelling mistakes but nothing major. Good to see you back, and I hope to read more from you.

Very exciting and emotional chapter. I liked how you described Albert's fear and Ben realizing what he had become. I didn't expect prisoner number twelve to turn out to be Jake. I am still suspecting Shirley (maybe she was in love with Jake) but now I think that may turn out that Hatcher was responsible. But Shirley is the only one featured as no one but a red herring by this chapter. My favorite part was: "Albert looked at her, with a hint of courage showing. "Cause I may have wanted to forget, but that doesn't mean they get to.""

Interesting. I am suspecting Shirley even more, now that it has been revealed that she was friends with Ben and that you have mentioned the letter opener. I felt sorry for Albert, although it gives more complexity to Ben's character, resolting to cruel methods despite originally trying not to.

I think that the secretary is the killer. I liked Scotty's comment about forty three years and the barrier between Nick and Kat. Funny with Nick reminiscing about his job. Interesting with them having to consider a judge as a suspect.

Your story flows very nicely and I like how you have described Ben's character. There are already some interesting details about the case to keep the reader interested.

I may have watched a bit of Cold Case through channel surfing, so this'll be familiar to me a bit.

First of all, I do like how the flashbacks are used to illustrate the chapter with what's happening in the 1960s. Especially for those who haven't lived in that era, it does give us a good idea on what happened in the past. Kudos to you on that.

I also enjoyed the twist where the apparent victim's body was found near an old, abandoned hospital where the experiment took place a long time ago. Reminds me of the Stanford Experiment. I had to study about this in one Criminology course I had to take for credits. So yeah, this is all coming back to me, even though I'm not pursuing a criminology-related career anytime soon.

The idea of a detective trying to use police resources to close a cold case is very interesting angle to look at. Though IIRC, things like this are frowned upon by most jurisdictions. But let's wait and see what happens next.

I'm probably not going to repeat what the others have said regarding punctuation errors since that field's been covered.

First, I commend you on your reference to the Stanford Prison Experiment. I happen to be a research psychologist, personally, so it's interesting to run into a fanfic addressing the issue. Two thumbs way up.

I've seen a few episodes of the TV show, but I'm not explicitly familiar with the cast and so on, so my review will primarily center on the style and general story.

Good points: Very interesting subject matter. The way you release pieces of information gradually is very clever and it made me want to read more. I like the way you weave together flashbacks, present day detective work and a little bit of the detectives personalities and private thoughts. It makes for a really dynamic and intriguing read.

Some suggestions: I really could have done with more descriptions of the environment and the characters, since I'm not as familiar with the show. As it is, the content is good, but it does feel a little flat and two-dimensional at times, more like a script than a piece of prose. Instead of telling me that your detectives looked at each other uneasily, show me the way one's brow quirks in unease, a concern that his partner understands implicitly. I think it'll really add something to your work.

On the whole, good story! Shows a lot of promise!

Ooh, Professor Hatcher just sets off all my alarm bells. It seems very suspicious that he's able to remember Ben so well, even forty-three years later - although of course, that's typical of just about everyone the detectives talk to on Cold Case. But his line "I had something special planned for him..." is just plain creepy. But when they ask him about other people involved, "it was over four decades ago." I'm left with a very strong impression that he's hiding something, so if that was your intention, excellent work. I also wonder if maybe he's just a red herring to throw us off-trail.

I like the scene of Detective Vera pondering the professor's suggestion about whether he would be the same person with a different job. It's a good way to keep the focus on both the OCs of this episode (it really does feel like an episode of the show) and the regular cast. I'm mostly fandom-blind, but I imagine that readers who aren't might appreciate a few more moments like this.

The introduction of a former prisoner and guard who are now a lawyer and judge that they all know of is an effective way of thickening the plot, although it does seem pretty unlikely that they would both go into such successful law careers. One of them, I could believe, but both? (But then again, it's also another one of those hugely convenient things that's so typical of this show.)

On the SPaG front, several of your dialogue lines have some tiny punctuation errors - missing commas, or with periods where commas should be. "Lilly nodded{.}"