Writer. Artist. Pachyderm.

Hello, I'm emersoncod and my favourite food is reviews :D

Fandoms:

Pushing Daisies

Avengers Assemble (including all MCU movies)

Pacific Rim

Downton Abbey

Harry Potter

Disney

Sherlock (Jeremy Brett, RDJ, BC)

Skulduggery Pleasant

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

Game of Thrones (First Book/All TV series)

LOTR/TH (Films)

Kuroshitsuji

Attack On Titan

Free! (Iwatobi/Eternal Summer)

and some more but idk can't be bothered writing them all down

INTERRUPTING YOUR FIC BROWSING FOR SOME OBLIGATORY EMERSON QUOTES:

[referring to Chuck]
Olive: Doesn't she look a lot like that dead girl?
Emerson Cod: She looks *exactly* like that dead girl.
Olive: You should take that as a compliment because she was pretty.

Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie". It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? That's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying, "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson Cod: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or you're dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"? Didn't that sound nice?

Emerson Cod: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable types of deep sleep?
Emerson Cod: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food.
[awkward silence]
Olive: I don't think that anymore.

[Ned touches the recently strangled-to-death Deedee Duffield and she comes back to life]
Deedee: Hey, Charlotte!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey, Deedee.
Deedee: Now, how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...? Is this...? Which one is this?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: This is neither. Well, maybe it's both, but, listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for, like, a minute, we're gonna catch up, and then you're not talking anymore.
Deedee: Does everyone get to do this? 'Cause, girl, we gotta break it down.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Did you know I was gonna get killed?
Deedee: I thought there might be the possibility, yes. I'm real sorry about that. I probably should've said something. But to be honest, and really, why not, at this point, if it were safe, I would've done it myself. God, this is fantastic! Being honest is fun!
Emerson Cod: Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys.
Deedee: Who are those people?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: That's Emerson, I don't really know him, and this is Ned. He was my first kiss.
Deedee: [to Ned] Now, you're adorable. Look at your li -
[touches Ned's cheek and becomes dead again]
Emerson Cod: You couldn't have... scooted back a little?
Ned: I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek. Who does that?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Actually, she does that a lot.

[regarding Chuck]
Emerson Cod: Do you know this girl?
Ned: I know of her.
Emerson Cod: Know of her in the biblical sense?
Ned: I haven't thought of her since I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Think of her a lot when you were ten?
Ned: I don't remember anything when I was ten.
Narrator: The Pie Maker remembers everything.

Emerson Cod: Well, who died instead?
Ned: [shows Emerson the obituary of the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.
Emerson Cod: Bitch, *I* was in proximity!

Emerson Cod: Been watching the news lately?
Ned: Yeah. There doesn't seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat.
Emerson Cod: A lot going on with that dead girl.
Ned: Is that so?
Emerson Cod: Mmhmm. Fifty-thousand dollars worth of that's so. You interested in the conversation?
Ned: I could be persuaded.
Emerson Cod: Well you better be persuaded quick because the dead girl's about to go in the ground.
Ned: They just pulled her out of the water.
Emerson Cod: Jewish. Christians leave 'em layin around - Jews gotta get 'em buried.

Vivian: Charlotte was a nice girl.
Lily: With the exception of puberty
Vivian: Which was unfortunately when Lily was going through a "change of life".
Lily: Impolite to discuss a person's menopause in mixed company.
Vivian: It nearly killed me.
Lily: Horrible, the way Charlotte died - on a cruise. Last days spent surrounded by middle-aged overweight women who wear sweatshirts with things sewn to them.
Vivian: Usually kittens made of felt.
Lily: The food is perfectly atrocious - unless she enjoyed vomiting and diarrhea. I can't imagine she had a good last meal.
Emerson Cod: Good last meal can go a long way. Our penal system makes a point of it.

Emerson Cod: [about Leo Gaswint's "alleged" murderer, his dog, Cantaloupe] Cantaloupe was framed; someone put a part of the victim in her mouth.
Ned: Huh.
Emerson Cod: Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family.
Ned: Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?
Emerson Cod: Hey, hey! That's racial profiling.

Emerson Cod: You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!
Ned: [referring to Chuck] I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Maybe not horror stories.

Ned: You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Deedee said they weren't worth much, their only value was sentimental.
Emerson Cod: Those must have been some emotional monkeys.

[about the deceased body of Leo Gaswint]
Emerson Cod: How's he look?
Ned: Fine, but my threshold's pretty high so you have to take that with a grain of salt.
Emerson Cod: [looking at the body] That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of them blocks they give cows to lick.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Emerson Cod: Hell no. The planet's falling apart. Right now, it's the children's problem. We reincarnate, it's our problem.

Emerson Cod: Are you in love with her? 'Cause it's that level of stupid.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hi, Emerson! Isn't this exciting?
[she gets out and he locks her out of the car]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey!
Emerson Cod: What's she doing here?
Ned: Said she didn't climb out of her coffin for me to keep her in a box.
Emerson Cod: She the boss of you?
Ned: I'm the boss of me!
Emerson Cod: Dead girl's gotta go.
Ned: Dead girl's not going anywhere.
Emerson Cod: You don't know nothin about her except she had soft lips when she was ten!
Ned: That should be enough.
Emerson Cod: Well, I don't like it.
[he gets out and Chuck gets in, locking him out]
Emerson Cod: Hey!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What did you guys talk about?
Ned: I'd really like to get out of this car soon.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?
Ned: He barely knows you're here
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Do I really have to sit in back from now on?
Ned: It's for your own safety.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You sound like my dad.
Ned: If my hand brushes yours you'd be dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: He didn't say that.
Ned: [locking the doors] So it's probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits. Someone might recognize you. You really can't come in
[All three of them standing in the morgue office]
Ned: Did I say "can" because I swallow my consonants sometimes "n't", "n't", "caN'T come in"
Emerson Cod: [to Coroner] Got that hit and run?
Ned: We're from the Government Safety Place?
Coroner: Is that a question?
Ned: Government Safety Place
Coroner: Mmmm-hmmmmmm

Ned: [referring to an ID badge that Emerson has for Dandy Lion Industries] Where'd you get that?
Emerson Cod: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. They gave me a sample ID badge which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [holding an identical ID badge] I don't know. Is this? I gave the security guard a hug goodbye. My upper body distracted him while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.

Narrator: The Pie Maker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior convictions.
Ned: [Emerson pulls out an ID card] Where'd you get that?
Emerson Cod: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. they gave me a sample ID badge, which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I dunno. Cause this?
[pulls out an identical ID card]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I gave the security guard a hug goodbye, my upper body distracted him, while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.
Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

Olive Snook: [referring to Ned and Chuck] Do they touch much?
Emerson Cod: Wish they would.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: We haven't seen each other in like 20 years, don't you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.
Ned: Look, we've all done things we're not proud of, we all have secrets.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What secrets?
Emerson Cod: Skeletons in the closet.
Ned: Exactly. How long have you been listening?
Emerson Cod: There are *skeletons* in the *closet*.

Emerson Cod: Dead people don't talk... usually.

Olive Snook: This isn't Pies "R" Us, Pie City, or Thousands of Pies in One Place. This is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking, mom-n-pop place. We chit chat here.
[waits a moment for Emerson to say something]
Olive Snook: Chit!
Emerson Cod: [unenthusiastically] Chat?
Olive Snook: You got it.

[while escaping from Mark Chase in the Dandy Lion SX]
Emerson Cod: Can't this thing go any faster?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Some car of the future this is!
Ned: I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?

Olive Snook: So what's the poop?
Emerson Cod: "The poop"?
Olive Snook: Poop. The scoop, the skinny, the haps, the dealio, the 411. PI lingo.
Emerson Cod: Rhubarb.
Olive Snook: What's that mean?
Emerson Cod: PI secret code for "Get me a damn slice of rhubarb."

Olive Snook: This isn't Pies-R-Us, Pie city, or Thousands-of-Pies-in-One-Place. This is a bells-on-the-door, pies baking, mom-and-pop place. We chit-chat here.
Olive Snook: [after long silence] Chit!
Emerson Cod: Chat?
Olive Snook: You got it!

[Emerson hits Mamma Jacobs off her horse with a shovel]
Emerson Cod: I love you, shovel.

Olive Snook: [about Mamma Jacobs' house] Hansel and Gretel would've lived a lot longer if they had to find this dump.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hansel and Gretel lived, by the way, once they tricked the witch into the oven, they stole her jewels, went home with their father, only to discover that their stepmother, who had sent them into the woods had died of evilness.
Emerson Cod: You can't die of evilness.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive Snook: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson Cod: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Gordon McSmalls: [singing drunkenly and off-key] And never brought to mind...
Ned: Could you not sing?
Gordon McSmalls: If I don't sing, I throw up.
Emerson Cod: Sing.

Emerson Cod: There's a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs' tomb, and Olive knows you're dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I'm dead.
Emerson Cod: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.

Olive Snook: Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson Cod: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive Snook: Not a furrier, a farrier. *Heir*.
Emerson Cod: Fair-rier?
Olive Snook: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson Cod: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

Emerson Cod: What did you compete about?
Olive Snook: Promise you won't laugh?
Emerson Cod: NO
Olive Snook: I used to be a professional horse jockey.
Emerson Cod: Hahahaha!
[mimics riding a horse]
Emerson Cod: Hahahaha!

Emerson Cod: You can't die of evilness.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive Snook: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson Cod: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car

Olive Snook: Maybe John Joseph faked his death. People do that all the time.
Emerson Cod: No, they don't.

Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
Emerson Cod: Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.
Emerson Cod: [Pretends to talk on a phone] Hey, money. It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you ever though you were Olive's money first? Uh-huh...
Ned: Wait...
Emerson Cod: Yeah. Okay then.
[Chuckles]
Emerson Cod: Thanks.
Emerson Cod: [Serious look] The money don't care. Touch him.

Emerson Cod: Where've you been?
Olive Snook: Not important.
Emerson Cod: It's important to me. I missed you.

Emerson Cod: Shut the a capella up!

Emerson Cod: Well we foe, fo' sho'.

Emerson Cod: You need to tap that.
Ned: This is Chuck's chance at having a family again. I can't... 'tap' that.
Emerson Cod: Make it look like an accident. Trip over an ottoman. Dick Van Dyke that ass.

Emerson Cod: Who are you?
Willie Gherkin: Willie Gherkin, Smiley Realty.
Emerson Cod: Uh... you lost your smile, Pickle.

Emerson Cod: [to Olive Snook] Itty-bitty, you got me to love a rainy day again.

Emerson Cod: Well, hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case.
Olive Snook: You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora?
Emerson Cod: Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer. Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise. Plus, I don't work in the rain.
Ned: Clearly, you don't hate being a bitch that much.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You're taking money from blind children?
Emerson Cod: I suppose I could pay my bills with blind kids' smiles, but their money is a lot easier.

Narrator: Emerson Cod had a very particular view on romantic relations.
Emerson Cod: Some women love like gangstars. They be like, "Oooh, baby you bleedin', how'd that happen?", while they're hiding the razor in their weave.

Emerson Cod: [about Harold Hundin's four wives] They were all breeders, too.
Olive Snook: They make babies for their polygamy cult?
Emerson Cod: *Dog* breeders.
Olive Snook: They make dogs for their polygamy cult?
Emerson Cod: Ain't nobody making nothing for their polygamy cult.

Emerson Cod: "Under", meaning "below". "Cover", meaning "the radar people". What is so hard about that to understand?

Emerson Cod: [after seeing the state of Ned after kissing Olive] She dropped a bomb in your self-conscious with her saliva!

Ned: Just because there's a dead body it doesn't mean you get paid.
Emerson Cod: Just because there is vodka in my freezer it doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

Olive Snook: Hey, gang.
Ned: Olive, what are you doing here?
Olive Snook: Pie delivery. Tart apple, I believe.
Narrator: And with those two words, Chuck could already see, her aunts were here.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Olive?
Olive Snook: If you know what's good for you, and I think you do, you'll give me two minutes.
Emerson Cod: Why?
Ned: What for?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Okay.
Olive Snook: Goody, then.

Emerson Cod: [whilst arresting a one-armed man] Hand up!

Emerson Cod: What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird, because if it's greater than or equal to mine I need to get back to my car.

[the curator passes out, and Emerson refers to a conversation he had with Ned in the "Pie-lette"]
Emerson Cod: *That's* a narcoleptic. Necrophiliac's the *other* one.
Ned: Yeah.

Emerson Cod: [not impressed by Ned's brothers' magic trick] Oooo! Where is that ass of a rat I could give?

Emerson Cod: [calling after twins] Hey! don't you be goin' around chasin' murder suspects willy-nilly! Whatcha gon do? Use your wonder-twin powers?

Ned: It's all very confusing: there's murdered magic dads and promise of tasty pate with tuna sauce.
Emerson Cod: What do you think you was sayin' in your head? Because that ain't what came out of yo mouth.

Emerson Cod: ...honey, you been spurned. And next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun on the Homicide Chuckwagon.

Abner Newsome: I heard on the new that that Narramore guy got whacked. He turned me down for a good heart once, so... he can pretty much suck it I think.
Emerson Cod: You don't seem to bereaved at his passing.
Abner Newsome: I'm not, not at all.
Emma Newsome: Abner!
Abner Newsome: Oh please tell me I'm a suspect! Awesome! Cause, cause you know what I did first? I took a magic potion to make the tissue paper sack I call my heart work, then I stepped on his neck with the soggy atrophied bread sticks that used to be my legs.

Ned: No. We were discussing phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.
Emerson Cod: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.

Emerson Cod: I'm a father.
Ned: As in a priest?
Emerson Cod: As in a man... with a daughter.

Emerson Cod: [about the coroner's sweater] Anybody ever ask you why you wear that sweater?
Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater last Christmas.
Emerson Cod: That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass.
Ned: [interrupting] He means the sweater, not your niece.
Emerson Cod: Why would someone get somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You could only wear it that day.
Ned: He means should... only wear it that day.
Emerson Cod: Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on or you got to wait another year for the next holiday season.
Coroner: Why you want to go toe-to-toe with me on fashion? Only thing I want to hear from you people is "Happy holidays, and here's your rent."
Ned: Happy holidays.
Emerson Cod: [sarcastically] Here's your rent.
[puts money in coroner's hand]
Coroner: Feels light.
Emerson Cod: You just stronger than you think.
Coroner: Mmmm hmmm.

Emerson Cod: Oh look at that. A dumb idea just found a friend.

Emerson Cod: Allow me to put this to you delicately. You see, men are dogs! They come, you know, sniffing around, barking up your tree, but if they don't see a kitty cat up in that tree, pretty soon they just stop barking.

Vivian Charles: Mr. Cod, I'm here against my better judgment considering the callous braggadocio with which you previously gave me the heave-ho.
Emerson Cod: Well, if I did do any ho-heavin' it was for your own good. There's a time for callous braggadocio and a time for sensitivity. To the Norwegians, that time is never.
Vivian Charles: I suppose it's a holdover from their Viking ancestry. It would be difficult to rape and pillage with the subtlety of a humanist.

Emerson Cod: Listen, we're all professionals, people. This doesn't have to get ugly.
Nils Nilsen: Your shirt suggests otherwise.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You stole that off my dead body?
[shuts the casket]
Ned: Uh, it's stuck.
Emerson Cod: Oh, you BETTER be playing!
Ned: Twenty-nine seconds.
Emerson Cod: Oh, HELL NO!
[runs out]

Emerson Cod: That was the Truth Bus.
Olive Snook: That wasn't the Truth Bus. That was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You won't even know I'm here.
Emerson Cod: 'Cause you're leaving?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: No.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [Emerson is stuck, trying to get in through a small window] Are you stuck?
Emerson Cod: No.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yes, you are. You're like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Remember, mind over matter makes Pooh unfatter.
Emerson Cod: I might be stuck, but I can still reach my gun.

Emerson Cod: The truth ain't like puppies: a bunch running around and you pick your favorite.

Emerson Cod: An attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.

Ned: It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.
Emerson Cod: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

Emerson Cod: In the third grade I did a report on great whites. Discovered we were a lot alike seein' as how we're both misunderstood badasses.

Emerson Cod: I'm a solo guy by nature. But I choose to affiliate myself with the both of you. Reason being: it's because when you spend all your time chasing bad guys, you want the best of the good guys in your corner. You two, normally, are as solid as they come, because your moral compass is always pointed due... the right thing. But clearly, someone's been screwing with both of your magnetic fields.

Ned: I could have been swarmed in my underwear.
Emerson Cod: You just don't get to put those images in my mind. That's an assault on my imagination.

Emerson Cod: He is stalking you!

Emerson Cod: LeNez, look: we're here about that scratch 'n sniff. Your book was a bomb...
Napoleon LeNez: Who are you to criticize my life's work?
Emerson Cod: Your book... was a bomb... it exploded.

Anchorwoman: Here with us now is an eyewitness to Oscar Vibenius' attempt on your life earlier today. Sir, tell us what you saw.
Emerson Cod: Good evening, Carol. Let me preface my statement by saying that my name is Emerson Cod, I'm a private investigator: if you need to reach me, my telephone number is Klondike 5-0-1-5-5. I've been investigating the Anita Gray murder. She was taken much too soon...
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [watching the interview on TV] Get a load of Muggy McHambone.
Olive Snook: Hocking his wares... He just gave out his phone number on national television.

Emerson Cod: Little Pee Wee bother to mention she told Papa #1 and Papa #2 that your man ain't your man, he's hers?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: No, she didn't.
Emerson Cod: Loanin' pie-boyfriend to your besty, who's in love with him, to pull the wool over fake-papas' peepers is the kinda idea that gives a bad idea the will to live.

Emerson Cod: What exactly where you porting when your boss had a close encounter with his light fixture?

Emerson Cod: Here lies Dwight, here lies his gun. He was bad, now he's done - let's go!