Spiralcloud
 Author has written 2 stories for Vampire Diaries. Hi! I hope you enjoy my stories! I live in California, USA. Hear are some of my interests: Basketball, Tennis, Swimming, Reading, Writing, Art, Music, Sleeping :P, Singing, Dancing etc. Personal Quotes: "You can't live in the past or the future, so why bother pondering over them? The past is unchangeable and the future is unreachable, so revel in the present, where you belong." "Don't spend time regretting what you did because you can't change it... Move on." "Live life to its fullest while you're still young, because once you're older, you realize that it's too late." "You want to be blonde? Pfff... I want to be brunette." "Times are changing, and I'm changing along with it." "To become old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid." "Without trust, words become the hollow sound of a wooden gong. With trust, words become life itself." Favorite TV shows: 30 Rock Breaking Bad Family Guy Firefly Mad Men Pawn Stars Peep Show Psych Reign Sherlock Silicon Valley South Park Star-Crossed The Secret Circle The Simpsons The Vampire Diaries The Walking Dead Favorite Manga: Dawn of the Arcana Dazzle Gakuen Alice Kiss of Rose Princess Stray Love Hearts Vampire Knight Favorite Anime: Arcana Famiglia Naruto Favorite Movies (there's so many!) All is Lost American Hustle Austin Powers Movies Batman Begins Captain America Captain Phillips Catching Fire Clueless Divergent Dodgeball Fight Club Frozen Gravity In Time Inception Inside Llewyn Davis Interstellar Iron Man James Bond Movies (there's too many to name!) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Mean Girls Monty Python and the Holy Grail Office Space Rush Serenity Shaun of the Dead Star Trek Tangled Ted The Dark Knight The Dark Knight Rises The Edge The Godfather (part I and II) The Grand Budapest Hotel The Hunger Games The Legend Continues The Legend of Ron Burgundy The Lego Movie The Mummy The World's End Thor Tombstone Top Secret United 93 Veronica Mars Zero Dark Thirty Favorite Band/Singer (okay, I'll admit. I went a bit overboard): Adam Lambert Adele Alex Clare Alex Goot Alice Cooper Alicia Keys Avril Lavigne Awolnation Birdy Bon Jovi Bruno Mars Capital Cities Celine Dion Cher Lloyd Christina Aguilera Christina Perri Colbie Caillat Coldplay Depeche Mode Ed Sheeran Ellie Goulding Elton John Evanescene Eve 6 Fall Out Boy Fitz and the Tantrums Florence and The Machine Foster the People Gotye Green Day Heart Imagine Dragons James Blunt Jason Mraz John Legend Justin Timberlake Katy Perry Kelly Clarkson Kesha Kings of Leon Lady Gaga Linkin Park Lorde Maroon 5 Michael Buble Natasha Bedingfield Neon Trees OneRepublic Owl City Pink Plain White T's Rihanna Rolling Stones Sara Bareilles Scott McKenzie Shakira Snow Patrol Swedish House Mafia Taylor Swift The Animals The Cranberries The Fray The Heartbreakers The Killers The Script The Wanted Tom Petty Train Victoria Justice Favorite Book/Series: A Christmas Carol Academy Series Anew Trilogy Beowulf Black City Trilogy Delirium Trilogy Divergent Trilogy Earthbound Series Fahrenheit 451 Forgiving Lies From Ashes Glitch Trilogy House of Night Series Legend Trilogy Masque of the Red Death Series Matched Trilogy Medusa Girls Trilogy Shatter Me Trilogy Taking Chances Tale of Two Cities The Grimm Legacy The Hobbit The Host The Hunger Games Trilogy The Immortals Series The Infernal Devices Trilogy The Lord of the Rings Trilogy The Mighty Storm Series The Mortal Instruments Series The Princess Diaries The Raft The Selection Trilogy The White Rabbit Chronicles Tiger's Curse Series Twilight Series At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap. Funny Stories: A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!" He lost 63 pounds that week. Dear Mrs. Denner, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away." August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store. Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world: Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male. For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story. Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour. Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person. Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink. Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour. Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather. Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell. Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby. Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300. Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward. Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER. Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Free puppies: cocker spaniel, sneaky neighbor’s dog. Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog. German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days. Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products." Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale. Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once. Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!" 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer. Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks. Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club. Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you. The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!" This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real -- when you're drunk!" A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it. "All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!" With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him. "Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?" The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!" 3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food. Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go. 1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk". 5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing. Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train". This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995. - Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. - Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. - This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. - No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! - This is a lighthouse. Your call. One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?" It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things. He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free. Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again. "Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them." Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act. One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!" "I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered. Three tourists climbed up a tower and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. |
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